Problems with a Friend at Work

Let it go. There is no reason to blow is out. She didn't get her way so she didn't show up. There it is done. Move on.

You've already called her out on her behavior. Leave it alone. You two, as you said, have to work together. There is NO good that is going to come out of you continuing to push this issue.

Here's the thing, mama. She doesn't really care about seeing your daughter and her family. She cares about being catered to, like you have been willing to do all along. You've decided not to do that anymore. So be it. Now you walk away from the issue and say nothing. Next time your daughter comes, don't say a word about it. If you have a "get-together", send out a bulk email so that she knows it's a bulk email, inviting her. Don't ask her if she is going to come. Treat her like everyone else.

If she tries AGAIN to push her agenda, smile and say, "She's not here for long and has a lot going on. The get-together is for everyone who wants to see her to be able to do that, so that's what is available." And then change the subject.

You are too invested in this emotionally. Walk away from it and don't worry about her anymore. She needs to see you walking away from her manipulation, especially showing her that you are no longer bothered. If you can't do this, then she is continuing to manipulate you and pushing you to make her the boss of you. Don't engage with this anymore - it's past time for you to stop thinking about her. As far as her party is concerned, don't take this into consideration. You go if you want and if it's going to be a fun time. You don't go if you don't want to. Don't play games with this woman - that's what she does with you. Continuing it will only come back to bite you in the rear.

There is a difference between being assertive/setting boundaries and being controlling. Don't cross that line.

It was assertive to set the boundary of refusing to have your daughter and her family drive to your friend's area.

It's controlling to demand that she explain why she backed out of a get-together (or "call her out on her behavior," as you put it).

Be careful here. Let it go and recognize the line between assertiveness and controlling.

I say this as a recovering codependent. I completely understand the need to NOT allow others to walk on you, treat you poorly, or take advantage of you. But take it from someone who knows....that need to avoid being a victim can push YOU toward exhibiting controlling behavior. Don't allow YOURSELF to become the aggressor on your path toward health.

♥

Passive-aggressive. It's about controlling you, and about you showing that you value her enough to cart everyone to a place that's convenient for her and which requires you to shell out money at the restaurant.

You don't have to confront her, but you don't have to buckle under. If she really wanted to see your daughter and her family, she'd drive. Barring any physical disability, you don't have to be manipulated.

Let her go. Be super sympathetic about how you're so sorry she couldn't come because it was a super-fun party with all kinds of people who knew your daughter "back when" and maybe next time. Invite her one more time. If she still doesn't show, stop discussing your family with her. She's not motivated enough to check in. Don't get into it so much that you jeopardize your work relationship - just be perky and positive, talk about work and the weather and the office renovations or whatever else is going on. Stop talking quite so much about her boyfriend and her personal life - no big schism, just drift away. But with a big smile on your face!

Sounds like seeing your family wasn't the "point" to her. It was about HER, not them or otherwise she would've come to your party.

Be civil, polite, and invite her again in the future, but don't say sorry or offer other suggestions. Keep standing up for yourself, as I'm sure your daughter appreciated not having to make that extra drive. Your friend obviously liked controlling you, and therefore being the center of attention while with your family.

If she is cold, just stay nice, upbeat and happy at work. As for friendship, you'll know when it's over.

Well, I think this is all water under the bridge.
She might not have liked the fact that you didn't go there, but you said you couldn't and you didn't.
She also had the option of coming to your place. She chose not to.
I don't understand why you would "call her out" on something like that.
She didn't commit to coming.
Then she didn't.
Let it go.
You asserted yourself.
It's over.

I wouldn't "confront" her about not coming to your gathering. I would let it go and not bring it up again.

Be pleasant and professional at work. When it comes time for her birthday party and you don't want to go, then don't. But if you want to go, then go.

Be the adult, be polite. You have to work with her so to start playing games is just setting things up to go south. There's nothing to handle. You don't have to cater to her laziness, but you don't have to "get back" at whatever behavior. It's not worth it. Don't pursue the relationship or try to make it deep. You're friendly co-workers, not bosom bodies.

Why is this such a big deal to you? She expressed an interest in seeing your daughter's family and so you extended an invitation. She then indicated her own preferences which you stated wouldn't work. So she declined.

It happens. It doesn't mean you need to "call her out" or consider this a "problem." When she gave you a vague answer of "I had other things going on" it was likely so that she wouldn't hurt your feelings or so she could save face and not have to say, "Traveling 30 minutes that weekend is going to be tough for me because _____."

Don't "call her out." There's no need. You're not in middle school, but adults.

If you're friends then be a friend and give her the benefit of the doubt and attend her birthday party. If you're only friends because you work together and would otherwise never give her the time of day, then by all means don't attend her birthday party.

I'm sorry - you are an adult, right? Not a child, right? this sounds soooo junior high it's not even funny.

DROP IT. Really, just DROP IT.

This is a "friend" who prefers things HER way on HER ground. Get over it. You invited her over. You informed her on what was going on. She CHOSE not to join you. It was ONE person - not 10.

You are there to WORK not make friends. Yes, be cordial. Yes, be nice. But this? Get over it. I can't say it enough. This isn't about you asserting yourself, this is you WANTING a fight. You SAY you don't - but your words here are pointing otherwise. There is nothing to handle. There is really nothing to say anymore. You asked her why she was a no-show - she told you. Drop it.

As to her birthday party? Oh my God! Really?! This post REEKS of immaturity and junior high. Come on. Get over it. SERIOUSLY!!!

So here's my advice/helpful hint:

Go to work. Be nice. Be cordial and that's it. You do NOT have to be friends outside of work. DO NOT bring this up again. If she invites you to her birthday party - either go or don't go. DO NOT play games. Be an adult.

So you invited her over and she decided not to come. I don't see why this is a big deal. I certainly don't always attend everything I'm invited to. Yes it would have been nice for her to say she wasn't coming from the beginning but it sounds like she didn't want to hurt your feelings.
When a friend says they might have other plans just leave it at that, no need to keep hounding them.

Listen to Doris Day! Build a bridge and get over it!

I would be that daughter that drove 900 miles with kids to see you for 5 days. I am telling you there is no way in Heck I am going to want to go anywhere to meet your coworker! I've driven 700 miles and had people who thought I ought to drive to see them. After a few times, No Way! That's crazy!!

You need to not do the revenge thing. Act like a grown up and be real with people. She had a chance to see them if she wanted to o it. She chose not to. The End. Be your cheerful self.

you already called her out. she pushed to have you and your daughter extend beyond necessity or comfort, and you handled it beautifully by holding your ground and inviting her to your place. she declined, as socially lazy people do.
there's no need to push into the whys and wherefores. they are no more your business than it is hers to inquire as to why you won't come to her place.
if you don't want a big blow out, let it go. there's no reason to create drama here. all you have to do is smile and be courteous and carry on. refuse to accommodate her unreasonable demands, of course, but don't turn into the bully by demanding that she give you an accounting of her weekend plans. they're none of your business.
khairete
S.

You are not in high school anymore. So don't do the "you didn't come to my party so I'm not going to go to yours." We are too old to play those games. You did the right thing by inviting her to the gathering at your house. By no means do you need to make it convenient for HER to see your family. You need to let all that go. Continue on as normal. No need to bring it up and if she does, just say she is here for a limited time and that's why you had the one party so anyone that wanted to see her could come and see her. End of story. Never feel obligated to do something you don't want to do. Good luck.

I don't think you need to make a tit for tat kind of thing, and not go to her party. I would just plan to never again shlep the family over to her side of town. She's shown you that your daughter and her family are only important when it's convenient for her. If she ever calls you on it, just tell her that you will be too busy while your daughter's in town.

She expressed an interest, you extended an offer. She tried to get you to accommodate her convenience, you had decided to put a stop to that (I don't blame you). When her lame excuses fell through, you again extended the offer (I wouldn't have...I would have left it as "well, if you change your mind the offer still stands). She didn't show...end of story. You really shouldn't have asked her any more about whey she didn't come...maybe a quick "Suzy miss you on Saturday" if anything.

Now, could transportation be an issue for her? And if not, could she maybe not be comfortable driving at night alone or something. Do you have pets and she have allergies? Just trying to think of possible scenarios.

I know when my cousin comes from the West Coast, I feel bad that we can't always see him but we try to. We have driven over two hours with lunch packed to meet at a park. Good meeting place and the kids could run around and play before he had to catch a plane home. Sometimes he's come to my house before driving to VA where he was staying the night before catching a plan from DC. This year, we had plans but due to cost I can not go. Breaks my heart but we're trying to work something else out. Ironically, when they've met at my home, very few other family members could be bothered to show because they weren't coming to my one uncle's house (more convenient for that uncle and our grandmom....nevermind he came from the West Coast and then drove from PA they couldn't drive 35 minutes!).

I used to think that other people needed to change, then I realized that I was the one who needed to change and once I did , I stopped hanging out with those other people..

Could be that you are changing as a person which might be the reason you are now more assertive and not as willing to put up with someone's drama. I spent many years in a friendship whereby I allowed myself to be a doormat.. My thinking was.. oh my friend really needed to change her ways.. Then , once I got myself into a 12 step program, I began to understand boundaries and how I wasn't making good use of them and because of it was setting myself up for heartache..

My best suggestion to you would be this.. IF the friendship is important enough to work out, then confront her. IF on the other hand you feel that it's useless, you can still maintain a good working relationship but I would begin to back off a bit... You needn't be rude about it, but honestly... if the friendship isn't working, then I wouldn't put as much effort into it..

Take it from someone who wasted MANY years in friendships that had fizzled out years prior.. Don't wait for her to change her ways, you have no control over that... take the lead.... make some boundaries (not walls) and stick to them... this way you don't set yourself up for more irritation...

Consider that she does not like to drive. Now that my mom and her friends are getting older, and our city is becoming more crowded, they do not like to drive like they used to.

I also know many people that in general are not good drivers and try to avoid it when possible

Instead of maybe putting her on the spot and asking her why she did not attend the party, you could have just said, "you were missed at the party". and then just dropped it.

We really do not always know what is going on in peoples lives. I try.. to but do not always succeed, but try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

This is not all about you, I am sure she has some major issues, you know this, so accept it and move on and not worry about it.

It sound to me like she is the kind of friend that is only your friend when it is convenient for her. I would just let the relationship turn into a work only type friendship. I see no reason to confront her, but I also see no reason to keep going out of your way for her either.

Pretend it didn't happen. She will eventually get over her snit. She wanted you to want to see her so badly that you'd go out of your way to go see her. That's all. When you didn't make her important enough to go out of town to see her it sort of made her feel unimportant to you.

She should have never expected you guys to drive to her though. That's a bit presumptuous on her part. Meeting perhaps half way at some mall or fun place your family might enjoy too would be fine.

I would just ignore it like it hadn't happened...but again next year, don't go to her place, invite her again and again just shrug it off if she doesn't show...she is trying to control you...and if you are invited to her party..go...don't lower yourself to her level...you will be the bigger person by ignoring her "no show".

For this time, just let it go. It already happened and it can't be changed. Maybe she had another reason for not wanting to come to the get together - maybe she didn't like someone else that would be there, or didn't feel comfortable if she didn't know a lot of people, or maybe you have a pet she doesn't like. Who knows, she obviously didn't want to come but it wasn't personal, so don't take it that way.

I think you were right not to drive to her house. Next time, suggest meeting somewhere near your house instead of near hers. She might have a reason she doesn't like going to your home and isn't telling you because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

Anyway, does your daughter care about seeing her? If not, just skip the visits with the friend and enjoy your family time when they come to town.

If it happens again and she turns down your invitation, just say ok. Don't keep asking if she can come. But, don't go to her house if you don't want to.

She is on a power trip/control trip.
So you've been friends for a long time and have to work together.
You stick up for yourself now.
GOOD for you.
But that does not mean you have do the revenge thing.
Just be classy and amicable.
Maintain your composure.
Don't sabotage yourself... at work, just because of her.
Keep things civil.
Not personal.

THINK... about repercussions... upon yourself, IF you do the revenge thing and make it personal.
REMEMBER... you work together at the same office.
If anything, you CANNOT sabotage yourself, there.
Don't do that to yourself.
Just keep sticking up for yourself in a classy manner. And you will be fine.
Don't get, personally vested and make "revenge" the point.
Be mature.
She has no character.
You do.
Remember that and keep your, integrity.

Your coworker/friend sounds selfish to expect you to deliver your daughter's family to her. It's ridiculous. However, since you'll be working with her for the foreseeable future, I suggest you remain cordial with her, meaning you should probably go to her party. I wouldn't all of a sudden stop doing what I used to do for her. Keep doing the things you used to do with/for her so long as you don't have to go out of your way to do them.

I really like Doris Day's answer

Being assertive and creating boundaries I think is very important in any relationship you have. It's much harder however to create boundaries where there might have been none or few.

I think you handled the issue of meeting her at the mall just fine based on what you've written. She can come to your place if she really wants to see your daughter and her family.

The fact that she didn't, and appeared to "blow you off"...I get how you're feeling...I don't think it's necessary to call you childish. You're sensitive I can see that, and perhaps you're feeling a bit like a doormat seeing that you've always accommodated her and are finally trying to assert yourself.

It's hard to let go of old habits...but stand firm and continue to be assertive in setting your boundaries. People can only take advantage of you if you allow them to. Once is one thing, continued transgressions make it seem like there's a pattern of behavior there.

I agree with another poster in that if you're invited to her birthday party...then I suggest going because you are being more adult in this way if she was truly avoiding going to your house because she was miffed you didn't accommodate her. But only go if you want to continue the friendship...obligatory attendance/purchasing a gift becomes resentment and problems will ensure regardless.

Better yet...perhaps you should sit down and discuss with her how you're feeling. My opinion is...if you've made efforts to resolve a conflict, and the other person continues to bring drama to your life...then perhaps it's best to move on, even if you do work together. Maintaining a relationship with someone simply because you work with them will ultimately result in the downfall of that relationship regardless in my opinion.

It is a tough situation, tougher than people think, especially if you're not used to initiating a confrontation. I hope you can work it out with your friend...I really do.

She was used to you doing what SHE wanted you to do. Now that you've changed what/how you're doing things, she isn't happy. Sounds like she likes other people dancing to her tune. I'd keep being assertive and doing what is best for you and your family. Eventually, if she's really interested in you and/or your family, she'll come around and be interested in meeting up--on your terms. If not--then you'll know that it's all about her. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Just continue being nice to her for the sake of getting along on the job. If she decides to be snippy or develop an attitude--it's her and her problem to work out. It has nothing to do with you.

No need to have any discussion or play any games. You already know what the problem is. If you're up for attending her birthday celebration, go, just as you normally would. When your daughter visits, give your friend a heads up that she will be in town and you will be available at XX times to visit with her. Because you are changing the established program, some explanation is required, but not that much. "We've decided that since they drove such a distance to get here, we wouldn't put them out to drive further. We'll be meeting close to home." That should do it. If she starts fishing around for holes, just stick to your story. "Yeah, she could probably get a lot done in five days, but she plans to stay close to the nest. Let me know if you can make it." Done.

Your dynamic with this woman is such that you let her be in charge. She tugs and you follow with no argument. Now that you are challenging that, you should expect her to resist. Don't rub it in her face or make any huge proclamation. Just start acting in the best interest of your family, and keep it moving. If she ever asks why the change, tell her that the way it was wasn't working for you. Maybe as you see yourself becoming more assertive in other areas of your life, you can relay the experience to her. Her defensiveness will likely keep her from hearing you speak directly to your experience with her, but she might hear it through your experience in other areas.

Good luck.

Just move on. Don't mention it again. Who really cares? When it's her b-day time, see how you feel then and just do what you feel is right or what you are comfortable with.

This is exactly why I NEVER mix business with pleasure. I do not socialize outside of work with co-workers and therefore have NEVER had these issues and I have 54 and have worked since I was 16!

if i were you id just walk away from her spoiled attitude-if she cant understand it-then forget it..i would not pursue her or try to discuss this any further,her loss for being so damn selfish!!...maybe with some space shell see the light-as for her bday-decide on that day-i guess i wouldnt go-i cant feed into ppls spolied attitudes-like a lil kid-"if you dont give me what i want,im not talking to you!!!"...doesnt sound like much of a friendship if you ask me..