Just curious what you other SAHMs do. My BFF is a little upset with me b/c in the 4 years I've been married, I've never invited her and her husband and 5 kids over to our house in the evening. I've never really felt a need to, b/c we do lunch dates 2-3 times a month while the husbands are at work. Sometimes she has all 5 kids with her, sometimes it's just her and the two youngest who aren't in school. But apparently she's pissed at me b/c I guess I've told her stories about other people coming to our house for dinner or something and yet we never get together as families. This all sparked b/c we declined her invite to her house for her son's 1 yr bday party. It was on a Friday night and we live about 50 minutes away from her house. We live far and my husband already makes 80 mile round trip to and from work. He didn't want to drive another 80 mile round trip to her house and back.
So anyway - suggestions? What to do the rest of y'all do?
Thanks!
ADDED: I am not 100% sure why she's miffed - not attending the bday party or not being invited over to our house and doing family things. I think both. But this recent bday party is the one that sparked it. I sent her an email back apologizing and instead of making excuses (the commute, the traffic, etc) I said "You are right. I am sorry. Can you come over x date or x date? " I have yet to hear a reply. It's been almost 20 hours since I sent the email, and I know she gets emails on her phone. She thinks my husband doesn't like her or her family, which is not the case. It's just the driving on Friday nights or on any night really, that long of a drive that he doesn't like. And I wish he'd make exceptions. I wanted to go and was pissed when we didn't go.
We have other friends over b/c they invite themselves over. We've lived here only a few months, so I have yet to learn to be a hostess. Other friends say "want to do dinner?" and we say "Sure y'all want to come here?" and they say "sounds good" and they come. Most of our friends don't have kids either, so I can still put our son to bed even with them here. My friend has never never said "Want to do dinner?" She did sent an invitation for her son's bday party a few days in advance.
@ Candace - she has a 3 bedroom house with 5 kids and her and her husband. There is nowhere for us to stay if we did stay there.
Back in the day we used to do lunch just about every day. Then once a month at someone's house too. I miss those days. :(
Unless she only gave you a five minute notice on the party she has a right to be a bit miffed.
How come you have other friends over and not her? We would just have the whole group over.
I would invite them over some Saturday to hang out and have lunch/dinner....not during the week.
I would be a little upset too. I can't imagine not having my best friend and her family over for dinner (if we lived closer, she is in another state now, but we talk everyday). When we did live close, she was about a 40 minute drive from me. We saw each other at least once or twice a week still and of course we got the families together. I would be upset if she didn't make it to my kid's first birthday party. If you guys are best friends, why don't you just make a night of it and stay there and drive home the next morning? That way your husband doesn't have to do so much driving all in one day.
So is she really upset that you don't invite her over at night or that you missed her child's birthday? I'd start there. Then if she wants to come over at night, ask why. Maybe that will help you both figure out why these nighttime meetings are important to her vs the daytime events you attend.
Wow, I would be so happy just to be able to SEE my BFF twice a YEAR, much less 2-3 times a month.
I'd just say something to the effect of..."Sorry, I didn't realize that our lunch dates weren't quite meeting your needs. Sure, come over for dinner anytime....how about next Sat?"
I don't think it needs to be a bigger deal than it is. If she can't get past it after receiving an invite, then perhaps there is something deeper going on,
We do both, but someone with 5 kids in tow would be one I'd meet for lunch rather than have over...
LBC
Yeah, she's miffed about the birthday party and suddenly feeling that you're keeping her at arm's reach, or maybe your husband doesn't like her, or whatever else may go through a woman's mind when they're already upset and feeling slighted.
Etiquette for a birthday party invite would be at least 1 week, preferably 2, to plan on it, especially if you live an hour away. How often has your family been invited to her family's dinners? No, I don't do that very often. I love doing lunch with my friends, but dinner is often our family wind down after a hectic day. When we do "do dinner", it does tend to be a single mom with 1 child, a couple neighbors or coworkers with no children, that kind of thing. Because I am a little protective of the boys' night time routines. We do have fight nights but again, the only people that come with children would be our neighbors.....and their children are each 1 year older than my children, so the mom leaves early to get her children ready for bed when my children are getting ready for bed. And with my bff, I treasure that time to talk and be together, so I want it to be without children. And I'd tell her so.
I had a friend that I was SOOOO excited was coming back into town after not seeing her for a decade. She moved back to town, and we had all kinds of ideas on how much time we'd hang out together. But it didn't happen like that at all. They are much more strict, aren't interested in things we love (concerts, gardens, museums, roaming around downtown, water parks, etc) but love nascar and football. The end. But not "hey, let's run by the highschool game for cheap entertainment and watch the marching bands"....it would have to be NFL or nothing (and they had no money for NFL, so it was....nothing). Meh. Then she started invited her family over to my house for dinner. I was like "Um......ok? I had one 2 year old child then. She had a husband, and 4 boys ages 7-12. Yipes! That's a lot more food than I was comfortable with. Then "I don't like spicy. __ prefers chicken over steak. I don't like chicken on the bone. __ doesn't like dairy or cheese. ___ doesn't eat vegetables or fruit. ___ will eat rice but not pasta. etc, etc, etc." I was like "Dude. No. That's too hard for me to figure out." She's like "Oh no we're easy!" and I'm like "for what? a chicken burger with no cheese?" (blech) I said "I don't know how to cook without seasonings" and she said "Oh, __ loves spices!" and I said "Well, ok.....what spices does he like, and I'll see if I can figure something out".....her answer, no lie was "He likes all of them! Salt, pepper, ranch, catsup." They never came to our house for dinner. That was stupid. I didn't appreciate being pressured into it, either. Friendships aren't supposed to be "hard".
I'd tell her you were sorry about not coming to the party, but your husband was just really tired and drives all the time, and that was a work day and just a long end to a long day for him (it should have been a weekend anyway, if working people are invited). Tell her to meet up for lunch, because it's simpler....and that when people do come to your house, they are just a couple people from down the road. It's just different. She's an adult, so she should be ok with that. If not, it's too "hard" for me!
my best friend is my cousin and she lives 1.5 hrs away. So we are lucky if we see each other a couple times a month. but we talk several hours a weeks
Both. I like having lunch with my friends because my husband (who works swing shift) can watch the kids for me. We also try to have 1 or 2 families to our house for dinner every month. I get miffed though when people get offended that I don't invite them over when they haven't made the effort to have me over either. Invites go both ways and a kid's birthday party doesn't count as a social invitation.
I think she was really hurt about the birthday party, and all of the things that irked her and hurt her before that she han't spoken up about came to surface, the straw that broke the camels back. Shes probably questions the importance of her and her family in your life and feeling hurt. Theres no excuse for not making a 40 minute trip of a 1 year onld bday party, you should've went without him. I drive an hour to the mall, 40-50 minutes is nothing for a friend. I think you're going to have to call and apologize and sort things out and maybe make it up to her about the bday party.
If my best friend declined the invite to my son's first birthday I would be miffed too. Just being honest. Your husband could have stayed home if he was tired. In that situation, the kiddos and I would have hopped in the car and gone. I commute over an hour in each direction and have done the "quick change" and back in the car to hike 30 minutes when it's something that is important.
It sounds like you have different ideas about what your friendship should entail. She's looking for time spent together as families and you aren't. Invite her over for dinner and see how it goes. She may find that it's more challenging than she realized and never bring it up again... or you may all have a good time and do it more often.
We only do lunch without the kids. We enjoy adult time eating at restaurants or home. We never get together as families. Our kids are in different activities. I would NEVER expect someone to drive that far.
I have let others down when we didn't come to parties and I didn't know it until they told me. Now, with that friend, I make sure I go to whatever I am invited to.
