Problem with Step-parent Discipline

Hi T., I am in a similar situation as well and I've learned from personal experience that it is always good to communicate the issue with your fiance. Sometimes because the child is not with you all the time, the parent feels or is hesitant to discipline that child the way he would normally discipline the other children. In addition he may not realize he is doing it. Once there is consistency, the child will adjust a lot faster and learn that when she is visiting at daddy's house she has to follow the rules there and she will also realize that they are all treated equally so that there are no hard feelings or feelings of "favoritism" between them. Children prefer the structure and discipline, it makes them feel secure. We as parents tend to feel bad because we are not with the child all the time when in reality we are doing something great for them.
I hope this helps a little.

T.,

I grew up with a stepfather and have 3 half sibblings. I think that it is best if you talk to your fiance about it. Like you said he may not even realize he is doing it and would willingly stop if he did. Also, if you recognize it I'm sure your girls are so if this is going to be their stepfather then you want to make sure they never feel like they are second to his daughter. My step father and I have a wonderful relationship but it didn't really start until I got older but I never doubted his love for me. Good luck.

S. H

I think you should talk with him. Like you said I don't think he even realize what he is doing and the impact his actions are having on the other girls. I'm not going to question his feeling for your and your children, that answer is clear. However, at the same time, that 1 little girl, that just so happen to be the youngest, is "his" child. And sometime some parents show just that. It's not always that way tho. Sometimes the parent is very hard on their own child and gental with the step child in an attempt not to upset the wife/husband.

Just talk to him, hopefully (cause I don't know him) he is an understanding person and makes changes to better the situation.

Hope this helps,
P.

I am also a parent in a blended family. My husband has a 13 year old girl. Together we have an 8 yr old girl and a 20 month old boy. I have known my step daughter for 11 years. My husband and I do not fight often, but this is one subject we do, at times, do not see eye to eye on. All these years, he has always been easier on his daughter then our 2 children. Don't get me wrong, he loves all the kids equally, but at times he will over look something his daughter did, or possibly did and blame our 8 yrs old. Now that she is getting older, he is starting to see a little more. Up until this time, we have had our battles. This is something that has to be discussed between the both of you. If he plays favorite with this daughter, the other 2 are going to pick up on it and not be very happy about it. It happened with my 8 yr old. Then of course we get into the whole routine with my step daughter telling her mother that we blame her for everything and that my daughter gets away with it all. Over the years we have had many a battle. I love my step daughter dearly, but she is very sneeky and she lies alot. My husband is starting to see this, finally. The biggest factor in dealing with and raising children in a blended family is communication. There needs to be communication between you, your finace and your fiance's mother. Trust me, I know how difficult that can be. I have been dealing with that for 11 years. Like my husband, I am sure your finace wants to do "extra" things for his daughter. He may feel guilt or bad for the situation the child is in and him not disciplining her is just one way to help with that guilt. That does not help the child or the whole situation. Talk to him about the way you feel and the way you are seeing his actions.
It is hard at first, but it does get better.

eventually your kids will pick up on 'his way of parenting differently with your kids and his child.' need to make him aware of that difference. he might not even know that he's being different. it doesn't matter whose children they are, if under the same roof they all need to be treated the same.
don't have to make it into a battle, just explain to him that this is what you have noticed and rather tell him what needs to be done, ask what do you think we should do? i understand you miss your daughter and that she's not here 24/7 but does that mean she needs to be treated better than the others?
that way you make a statement without forcing him to make new 'rules.'
good luck to you
vlora

T. talk to him. Just ask him if he has notice that when something happens with the children he thinks its the other children. They all are about the same age so either of them could be doing (what ever) is a miss. After the two of you talk you could try talking as a group. Maybe once a month the hold family could get together and just talk things out at the dinner table. I hope everyone has a job that they are to do on a weekly basis. This should include everyone!!! Good Luck the two of you will work it out.
L.

Hi T.,
I'm a mom of two boys, 7 and 6. The seven-year old is my step-son that has been in my life since he was born and I have always been his "other" mom. I do understand what you're going through because I caught myself disciplining my stepson a bit more harsher than my son a few times when they were younger. I really think it had to do with the motherly instinct of worrying about my baby being hurt...his brother, my stepson is very agressive and has ALWAYS been that way. You DEFINITELY want to talk to your fiancee and gently point out that you're worried what will happen if he doesn't discipline his daughter. It WILL affect the family dynamics. His daughter may start to act out because she knows she can get away with anything with daddy...and possibly test you all the time when he's not around and eventually play you two against each other. Even though my stepson is the most challenging of my two boys, I really make a conscious effort to not make him feel like "the troublemaker" of the two and I dish out discipline to both when there's a question of who did it. Suggest the same to your fiancee. Good luck!