Need Advice on Step-parenting-here Goes.....

Hello B.,

I usually just read these pages and do not respond but felt very compelled to answer this one. Where do I start.
I feel very sorry and sad for this boy. Can't you understand why he is behaving this way? You all have created chaos in his life and now you must live with it. Your Fiance's first obligation is to his 3 children and NOT to you and your boy. So he must attend this meetings Without you and your boy if he is any inch of a good father or if he wants to restore his relationship with his father. He did not ask to be born. Every child deserves to have a mom and a dad and security. Your Fiance and his ex have taken this away from three boys and then he decided to take in and raise another man's child. Will that not make you upset? Will you not be angry if you only visited your dad and another child got to stay with him full time?
This is the monster you all have created.

My advice to you is that you change your attitude towards this child to begin with, then secondly work with him to make him feel loved and secure with his dad. If you do this, then it will open up a space for you all to become family. Until then, you will just continue to have these kinds of problems which hurts no one but the children.

A.
Very Sad

First of all I would bet any amount of money Mom is making an already bad situation worse. No matter what the truth is Mom is putting herself in a good light and the divorce is all dads fault. Trust me, I also cannot wait for my children and step children to grow up and realize the truth about the other "parent" My steps are still very young but almost every weekend visit, I hear how much they want mommy and daddy back together. We have been married over a year, together for 3 and they love me. But deep down they want their "family" back. Keep saying what you know is right even when you want to scream NO. Think of how crazy you were at 14 with all those hormones. He is going thru the same thing. My eldest is 15, she loves my husband, but tells him almost everyday she hates him and wishes we never met. It's just hormones. Now throw a crazy lying mother into the hormonal mess and what do you get? Keep praying. Don;t force yourself on him. Support your finace in his relationship with the boy. But protect whats yours. If you have the money have dad and him go to a cheap hotel for the weekend. Did wonders for a friend of mine and her daughter who was jealous of the change in moms attention after getting remarried. Good Luck, GOD Bless.

I have a blended family and I can sympathize with what you are going through. It requires alot of time and energy to make things work. I ended up sitting down with a family counselor who had alot of experience dealing with these issues to help. I don't know how you feel about it, but sometimes this is a great option because it is someone who is objective and can help you sort out things and keep you from feeling really overwhelmed. The best advice I was given was to work on the things I had control of changing and not spend alot of time on things that were out of my control. Take care. Hang in there!

I'm a stepmother, with no biological children of my own yet. My daughter is ten now, and I didn't get to meet her until she was seven. (Long story) However, I took in a relatives son to try to help him out, as well as his mother. He lied, stole, and was disrespectful. I was constantly at the school for his behavior. He didn't have a father at home. His mother was also his father. She would bad mouth his father in front of him especially during hard times. She always found a way for it to be someone elses fault for her misfortune. One thing I noticed about my relative was that he was already set in his ways. His mother didn't punish him, if he distrespected an adult, then the adult must have said or done something to him first. Needless to say we had our work cut out for us.
With that said, a lot of your problem is this childs mother. She has put it in her sons head that anything going wrong in their life is because of his father, and his father is not going to love him the same because you are there. The child sounds extremely hurt, and if he's not happy he doesn't want you all to be happy. Dad does need to put his foot down and not allow his son to dictate how things are going to work. He's the parent, and whatever guilt trip they are putting on him is just that, a guilt trip. One major thing that will help you all is being able to agree on what you will and won't allow with him, and how you will discipline him. This child shouldn't have a choice as to whether or not he wants to visit his father. He should be there, and learn to like it. From the sounds of it he's not even giving you all a chance to be a family and get to know you as a stepmother. His mother needs to grow up, and move on.

I love my daughter as though I had her. I'm sure her age helps that, b/c she can still be molded. I will say a prayer for you, b/c I know the stress that can accompany being a step parent. My stress doesn't come from my daughter, it comes from her wicked grandmother. I wish you the best, and will say a prayer for you all.

Divorce is very difficult on children no matter the age. Step parenting is a challenge as well. I would say rather than force the issue of having a relationship with him - help your fiancee build a relationship with his son. He seems to be acting out in an incredible way. It may seem these acts are vicious and out of control but to be honest I feel for the guy. All children want are for their parents to be together and they blame themselves when their family falls apart. Good luck

You are not going to like my answer but the boy's father is obligated to focus on rasing his son first and foremost. He should not be dating nor living with another women and her children, until he has rasied his own children. I know this will be an unpopuar answer, but children are innocent victims in divorce. The boy is troubled and angry and the last thing he needs is to compete with you and your children. You should read Dr Laura's books on subject. The whole situation is very sad, bu where is the compassion for this troubled kid?

Postpone the wedding! The stepson is most likely jealous of your son (they are the same age & your son gets to see his father more than he does). The stepson may feel rejected, especially if she is hearing it from his own mom. Your fiancee should go into group counseling with his son and find out what is best for all of the children.

You are in a tough situation there is no doubt about it. But this is definitely a boy in crisis. My thought is that he feels (among other things) isolated from and/or abandoned by his father and probably sees you and your son as a block. I'm sure this is not true, but when you are hurting emotionally, you don't think rationally (especially at a young age). I would seek expert help (perhaps counseling for the entire blended family if possible), but would also step back and give him space to be with his son (alone) so perhaps he feels "less threatened".

Best of luck.

You need to listen to Dr Laura!!! This child is hurting and confused and views you as the "enemy". Put yourself in the shoes of this kid and think long and hard about how you would feel if you were him!! He has already lost HIS family the least you could do is "allow" your husband to spend as much time needed alone with his troubled son! Seriously, listen to Dr Laura!!

All I can offer is: stay out of it. Seriously. You are jeoperdizing your future with your fiancee by trying to tell him what to do regarding his son. This boy is seriously troubled, whether its emotional or biological this child is screaming for help. Your fiancee loves his son, no matter what, and he does not want to be torn between you and his son. By trying to offer advice you are really forcing him to chose between you and his son. Bad news: his first concern should be his son, not you. If its anything else I wouldn't marry him.

Dear B.,

I have been in your shoes ... and my advice to you is TAKE YOUR SON AND RUN!! It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, you will be deemed the BAD GUY. Your husband (to-be) may be sweet, but until he gets a handle on his children, you will live a life of HELL and possibly lose your own son in the process! Of all the blended family situations I've encountered (not to mention my own), almost ALL of the problems stem from the new husband/step-father not setting boundaries for his children, yet the new wife/mother gives him authority of her children. In the meantime, he gets to be the fun "Disney Dad" and you get to be the disciplinarian, i.e., THE BAD GUY! Trust me when I tell you this ... it will get much worse before it gets better. His children's agenda is DIVIDE AND CONQUER and that's exactly what they'll do, if he doesn't get his priorities straight RIGHT NOW and know that his job is to put you FIRST, establish a strong unity, and love and discipline with firmness ALL of the children. The worse part is that your own son will get tired of the dysfunction of it all, being lost in the shuffle, not getting any attention from you because you're too busy putting out the constant fires set by the others and either withdraw or choose to live with his father, if that's an option.

B., I'm not implying he's a bad person, in fact, I'm sure he's a good man with a good and well-meaning heart. They (men) just don't see the whole picture like we (women) do.

I would highly recommend that you live apart and put your future together on hold until he can get a handle on this situation.

Good luck, I'll be praying for you.

Hi B..

People have responded to you with blame. Please don't let them get you down. They do not know your exact situation. I have not had to deal with steps on either side, but you have to be able to feel comfortable,and your son, in your own home. This kid is old enough to understand what is right from wrong. He IS not setting a good example for is younger siblings. From what you've said , and again I don't know the WHOLE situation, the kid needs some GOOD discipline. He sound like a very spoiled a child. Yes, the father does need to be concerned with his son but he also deserves to be happy in his life. I thinks it's very sad you have to lock doors when this kid is around, but do what you have to do. Anyway, I hope everything works out for you and your family. Best of Luck!

B.,
I have only been on this site a short time, my daughter sent it to me, but since I am older than the rest of you (I am onto grandkids) I usually just glance and delete. However, your plea spoke to me as I have been a step-parent as well. You are in a very difficult position because of course step children are going to resist you being a part of their life and more importantly their fathers. You also have to be very careful about how you interact in their lives. The older step son is definitely crying out for help and getting lots of attentive albeit all negative. If your fiance hasn't done so already he really needs to sit down with this kid (on his own) and let him know that this relationship is not going away, that he loves his son but he is not going to let him continue his disruptive behaviour, etc, etc. It is time for dad to practive tough love. This kid already has too much power i.e. the canceling of your wedding plans, then he should have. I also wonder about the effect on the two younger boys. If you could all go to family counseling I think that would be really helpful, even if the older step son won't go. If you can't do that I would sure be browsing the bookstore for authors who write on this subject. You really need some objective advice. I wish you and your family all the best.

OMG, I am sorry that you are going through this. My brother was this way with all of my mom's BFs when we were younger. It is just jealousy. But, YES your fiance has to see his son and love him unconditionally. Put yourself in his shoes. If it were your son, would you not see him if he was obviously reaching out to you.

Good luck, but yes, try to be objective, difficult as it may be.

Wow!!!! Ladies, B. is asking for help with a difficult situation not to be chastized!!! Do not place blame.... try to help her.

O.K. I read what Annette wrote and much like Annette I actually do not usually respond unless something really hits me. What she said hit me! First, you may or may not have been a part of your fiancee's family breaking up and that is not what you are asking. Either way, the situation is what it is at this point and you need to deal with it. Second, any blended family is going to have it's difficulties and your situation particularly "seems" to be very difficult/challenging. From your question you again "seem" willing to try to work through it because you want to have this blended family with a wonderful man and his children. Third, there are extreme trust issues and fear for your own son in this environment. It really doesn't matter at this point what the issues are emotional or psycological they are a factor in moving forward as a family. Either way this boy is crying out for help by his actions even if they seem distructive and divisive to you.

I think that you are doing the right thing by postponing the marriage. This child again "seems" to have some serious issues all around. I think Annette was right that your Fiancee needs to step up and be the Father in this situation. His children do need to come first for him especially if his divorce is new or has impacted his children to this degree, but also if his son does have psycological issues. I am newly divorced and know personally that my children are my first priority but sometimes men don't get that. Also, as a mother I would want to protect my son and if he has already tried to hold his head under water I can see where you would just like not to have contact and feel manipulated.

Right now the best advise I can give is for you to take a step back until you can have a clear understanding what your future son's issues really are. Have some test run, see a counselor, think about a possible drug issue... I am not an expert by any means because my marriage totally dissolved in front of my eyes and I was unable/unwilling to stop that. You have identified a "deal breaker" up front. You do not want to spend the rest of your life having regrets about putting your own son in a bad environment or jumping into a marriage knowing more of the same or worse lies ahead.

Good luck to you and your family... I hope this boy gets the help he needs and your Fiancee support and love each other and him through this.

Oh mercy. I completly understand; only my problem is an 11 year old step daughter. My personal experience, don't fight for custody. My husband and I did that with his oldest two and he has primary custody and (I feel anyways) that we have done everything for her. She has her own room (our 7 & 3 y/o share & the 3y/o sleeps in the livingroom or with us), we bought her the clothes she wanted (she took them all to her mom's), help her join the activities she wants to be in (decides not to do them after we spend the $ b.c her mom bad mouthed the activity), and so on and so on. I actually told me husband very apologetically this week, that I threw my hands up where she is concerned. She wants to be at her mom's and I am at the point where I say let her stay. We had to give her her own room b.c she was getting up during the night and choking (literally) the 7 year old. My husband's sisters told me to let her live with her mom (her mom married a sex-offender) b.c of the little two and at this point I wish I would have listened.
I hope your situation doesn't work out like mine, but the teen and pre-teen years seem to be the worst. It might be best to let the child stay with his mom even if it doesn't seem like the best situation. Think about how it will effect your son and his younger children if he behaves this way over the next 5 years.
Also, I am against a parent putting their life on 'hold' until their child is raised completly. If he has three children and there is only a problem with one child, the child might need a combination of 1-tough love, 2-counseling, 3-a structured life. Most importantly, you and your fiance MUST MUST MUST be on the same page when it comes to rules and boundries for ALL of the children.
Best of Luck

WOW....

I too have had to put off a marriage because of the kids not getting along. I have a 10yr son and 6 yr old daughter. My long time fiance (of 3-4 yrs) has two daughters 14 and 13 yrs old.

My kids and his just didn't get along. Every other weekend was a battle. We then decided to split the weekends, his one weekend and my another weekend, that way it included either one of us (the adults) I am not sure if your ex gets to see your son but try to split the weekends.

I would try to encourage to my fiance to do something with his kids on his own. It gives his kids a chance to be more relaxed and able to talk to him w/o me around. I am still kind of a stranger to them. Right! When they were younger we've taught childeren "Stranger, danger" Maybe that is still in the back of their mind. I have tried to be more of a friend to them more than anything. You can't force yourself on anybody.

But your oldest step-son is obviously asking his dad for help. Encourage him (dad) to do more one on one with his son. There is nothing wrong with someone wanting one on one attention. That doesn't make him spoiled. We all want that at one point or another.

Oh another thing! Please, don't call their mother crazy in front of them. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you like hearing other people talk bad about your parents or relatives whom you looked up to.

Good luck and god bless! Try just being a friend to gain their trust of you first.