I have a question for moms who occasionally host weekday playdates with preschoolers.
My friend and I had a discussion about expectations for the host Mommy's involvement during a playdate (ages 3-5). When you host a playdate (say, for 2 hours) how much time do you spend entertaining the children...and how much time do you allow the kids to play on their own? To clarify, the kids usually meet in preschool and come home asking "Can I have a playdate with <friend>?" so they already know each other. We get together on days the kids don't have preschool.
For a 2 hour playdate, I usually spend about 45-60min with them doing a craft, game, outdoor hunt, etc. and there's usually a small snack. After that -- they play together without me. But my friend thinks there's a much higher expection for the host Mom to actively entertain the entire playdate. (In fact, my child came home from a playdate at which the host Mom taught them all about volcanoes!!)
I've been surprised by a few visiting children (on different occasions) who clearly expect me to play with them the whole time (asking me, "Hey...what are you going to do with us now?") after I've let them loose to explore the toys or play outside, etc.
So we are curious -- how does it work at your house?
Thanks Moms! It's good to know I'm not alone in thinking the kids should play on their own. I totally agree with the poster who mentioned this being pressure we Moms put on one another. My friend and I discussed how we would *never* expect a hosting Mom to organize a structured or educational playdate...and we're always shocked when the kids come home with incredible art projects or new learnings. (Then we feel a little funny if don't reciprocate.)
As for my current involvement, I'll bet what I do isn't really that different than everyone else. When you have a new 3-year-old child coming to your house for the first time -- without a parent -- I'm sure everyone spends enough time making sure the child is comfortable. Having a set activity ready to go just makes it easier on me. I know this will definitely change as the kids gets older. But 3 and 4 is still quite young! :)
What? It's "play date". I think of it as a time for the kids to get to play with other toys and learn how to play together and for me to hang out with another mom. I usually have an idea of what we can do if things are going awry, but have never actually gotten to it. Quite frankly, my kids don't want to play with me when they have friends over. Go play!
HA! At my house, the kids PLAY with each other...not with me! I have to say that those Mom's who do that are fine...
I don't think that me being with them builds their problem solving skills, nor does it teach them self sufficiency. Don't get me wrong, I am there...I am right in the room...just not on top of them or micromanaging their time together!
The kids play together. We check to make sure everyone is still alive occasionally.
Wow! I have kids over to play with my kids, so I don't have to.
I think it matters. Our play date group is more : "hey there is a gated playground, go get yourself tired" sort of group than "let me play teacher with you the whole time". It could be because our playgroup is primarily homeschooling parents that they are more hands off because this is our children primary form of socialization so... we let the kids socialize. Sure a mom is there to supervise and help if kids come to blows but we are big on letting kids figure out how to deal with others.
Gosh, I never played with the kids during a play date. I get the play doe out then the paints, I buy easy craft projects at the craft store but they always do the activity independently.
Wow, your mommy friends have high expectations! First of all, for me and my kids, 2 hours is too long. An hour and a half is the longest we'll have people over or stay at someone else's play date. They start to get antsy after that no matter what kind of activities they have been doing. When we have friends over I let the kids lead the fun and if they want me to play with them I do...otherwise I just monitor the play to make sure it's appropriate and everyone is being included and enjoying themselves. My kids are 4&5 now so I have learned to scale back and not stress about these things...how exhausting it is to go crazy with play dates and parties when the kids have just as much fun with the basics. That said, I occasionally have a cookie decorating play date or a games play date and those play dates become special memories for us :) It's all about having fun and not putting that much stress on yourself or setting high expectations for the kids that really just want to play!
Playdates are for the kids to play together. I may have play-doh or a craft out that they can do if they want, but essentially they are on their own playing. When my kids were 3 there was more parent involvement, but past that age I think they are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves.
When mine were in preschool and we invited a playdate, I made sure we had a couple of nice cleaned areas to play, kids room, basement family room, back yard, etc. And I ususally brought out a few sets of toys and games (legos, little ponies, sidewalk chalk, etc) and set them within the kids view and easy access. Then I just let the kids go and play! If the kids needed helping getting art supplies, or couldn't agree on what to play, I would step in to mediate, but then step back out after they got down to playing. Rarely did I get asked to "play with" or entertain them. I never organized and taught a craft. That I did for a birthday party or family time, not a playdate. I had a snack ready to go, and usually called "snack time" at any point of disagreement or difficulty in the kids getting along. Everyone forgets to be grumpy when it's snack time! I think doing an activity with the kids on a playdate every once in awhile is fine if someone really wants to, but I would NEVER expect it, or think I needed to provide something other than my child's company and our home and our toys to play with. The adult-led activities is what I expect out of preschool and other classes. Playdates are for kids playing with each other, having fun, and growing socially!
I think whatever YOU want to do is the right thing. When moms first start having playdates with their young (and usually first) kids, it's like the Martha Stewart playdate -- well organized crafts and activities, etc. I remember feeling the pressure to do the same. And it is fun to have an activity for a special playdate, like one near a Valentine's, for example, where you might decorate heart shaped cookies or something like that. But really, the playdate is a time for the kids to play. It's about learning social skills, not hosting an awesome party. Intervene as much as needed, but let them work as much out themselves as they can. I look forward to playdates as times I don't have to play with the kids as they are occupied with friends! 1.5 to 2 hours seems about right depending on the kids. Some do well together for longer periods and some don't. Little kids will need some direction, so putting out playdough or a table with art supplies, etc., makes sense. But very involved crafts where you have to lead the activity are not necessary and maybe not even as beneficial. I think moms get competitive re: how great their amazingly planned and executed playdate goes. Trust me, you'll all get over it and be happy to have a playmate for your kid so you can interact as little as possible! In the meantime, do it however it feels good to you and feels like it's the best choice for your child. Have fun!
wow-can we me and my daughter come for a playdate! :) sounds like you a great hostess!
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wow-can we me and my daughter come for a playdate! :) sounds like you a great hostess!
I don't see the point in arranging a playdate with kids only to have someone's mom conduct the whole thing! I think it should be a playtime for the kids. That is what it's all about.
Well I am the nanny not the mom but I can tell you that when the kids I nanny for have play dates we do the following.
snack
play
go home
lol. I do interact with them in a very peripheral way. perhaps redirecting them or leading them into something but I do not in any way Entertain them. The kids are there to play. Not have a school lesson. I do not let them sit glued to a television screen unless the plan is to come over to watch a specific movie. I have found that kids who are entertained non stop grow up into kids who have no creativity and no direction. unless they are given a blueprint or set of directions.
I don't think there is a "right or wrong" way to do it. It's good for kids to see that different people have different styles. They'll get a lot out of going to a heavily supervised playdate where they're interacting a lot with a non-parent adult. They'll also get a lot out of going to a more relaxed playdate where they learn to interact with a peer without an adult hovering. As long as the children are emotionally and physically safe, both are wonderful and enriching experiences.
Okay... I have had play-dates for my kids, since my eldest was in Preschool.
I am casual about it and so are my friends.
It ALSO depends on the age of the kids and their disposition.
I have personally, NEVER 'expected' the "Host" to be super spot-on or involved... in being a Mary-Poppins. NOR to be a 'more involved' parent... than I am. It is her home... and I do NOT expect the Host... to be entertaining the ENTIRE play-date. How exhausting... and she is not a school Teacher, nor do I expect her... to be one, on play-date.
Bear in mind, that the play-dates "I" host... are ALSO for us Moms, to have our time too.... and 'adult' interaction. My friends, are the same way.
I hold no higher expectations for the Host.... other than just appreciating that we were invited over, and I KNOW she is doing what she can....
For younger kids, they do need more hands-on supervision and direct activity... .with older kids, you do not.
Moms... can gauge their children, too, and others.
When kids come to my house... we have a LOT of toys, and crafts and an outdoor yard and yard apparatuses. So they do that... and they play nicely... I also serve snacks or a 'meal' depending what time the play-date is.
BUT... the visiting Moms... ALSO, on their own... bring food/snacks for the kids and activities, from their home. It is... the way it is... here. Culturally and custom. The Moms (and if the children are old enough), ALSO help to neaten up and clean-up.... before going home.
My play-dates... range about 4 hours.
And NEVER.... held at a nap time, for my kids.
So, mornings, are always when I have my play-dates, at my home. AND I always state a start time and end time.
My kids, are always very independent and so are their friends. They as a whole... are just fine with my having a little directed activities... OR them just hanging out and playing on their own.
It is fine.
A play-date... should not be, cumbersome... nor a pain for the visitors or the Host.
And the host should NOT be expected, to be Martha Stewart.
all the best,
Susan
I agree with a lot of other posters about letting the kids play on their own during playdates. I feel that it's their time to have unstructured or "unsupervised" play with their friends (at least they think so anyway). It's hilarious to listen to their conversations while they think you are not around--none of which would ever happen if adults were part of the playdate. I'll provide snacks but that's really it. The kids know how to take it from there.
Also this is a great time to catch up with other parents while the kids are having a blast and are not under-foot.
Have fun!
Geez, we must be weird, we have playdates for the kids to play. We usually have them at the park or at the church in the gym when weather is bad. The kids play the whole time.
I'm a first time mom of a toddler (2yo), and when we do playdates, we don't have any organize activities, and I frankly wouldn't expect unless I offered. (I wouldn't expect the host to do unless they wanted to). I do play with the kids, but I feel that at 2, he's not ready to play unsupervised with other kids yet.
what? this sounds a little nuts. let the kids play on their own! that is where all the learning happens! you can set somehting up fro them but then let them take over....i think you realize this is a little crazy!
When my kids were very young for playdates, 3 or so, the mom often came along and we would talk while the kids played. Later they entertained themselves while I was nearby. You are more involved, doing the craft, etc., which is nice. They have someone directing them at school, but to me, playdates are more about the kids making choices and finding ways to get along. That won't happen if the parent is too involved. I think you have a good feel for what's good for the kids. I hope you don't feel pressured to change. They'll benefit from the free time.
When mine were that age, they pretty much just played with each other. Part of the benefit of having the play date was so that I didn't have to play and could get something else done. They were always within earshot in the house and I didn't let them go outside alone. There were things I had to help with - paints, etc., filling the Barbie pool with water but they played with each other.
