Pregnant.... Lack of Involvement by Father

Boy could I respond! I had 3 children by 3 different men who weren't exactly supportive. The first split. The second cheated. The third slept all the time and wouldn't go to work. Nor did he help when the baby was born.

It tends to be men with the new experience of being a dad and tied down makes them flip.

Please email me: ____@____.com so we can pass numbers. I think a real ear would be helpful.

M.

You can't make him be involved, and you should tell your family. You are now half way through you pregnancy at this point, and I don't think you have and desire to back out now. I would also recommend the book what to expect when expecting, it has a lot of great information in it. This book should help you with most of the questions you have already posed, and get you ready for the birth to come. As for the father don't push, he will either come around or not, and there's very little you can do about it. As for the disinterested Mid-wife, I suggest that you seek someone else. You don't seem to be happy with her care. Once you tell your family I am pretty sure you will have a better support group. If not, possibly you can find a group of single moms out there that you can join. Good luck to you

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I had three children, and believe me, each one of them was a little angel sent from above for my benefit. They had taught me so much, I would not be the person that I am today if I was unable to have children.
My oldest sister had gone through so many fertility treatments and miscarriages, infections and ordeals just to get pregnant (for many years) that she has finally given up. She has a supportive husband but still, they are sad that nothing was acomplished through the years.
You are so blessed to be able to get pregnant. Thank God everyday and feel that baby growing inside of you for he is a miracle. Talk to him and realize he is a human being. I have a friend who had her baby on her own and was on welfare, had very little (money and possessions) but her little boy has been a huge blessing in her life. She struggled for sometime but she raised a happy kid. So many wonderful women have raised their children on their own if you look around.
If you decide you can't keep him, like our friends suggested: there are adoption options.
Don't give up and pray, pray, pray. You are a precious child of God and he can help you go through this (alone, if that's the case). Women are amazing "creatures" who are able to give so much from themselves to others without receiving sometimes nothing in return (well, you are always blessed by your good works - or have good karma for it - in the other philosophy).
Search a church group or move closer to family or potential friends.
God bless you and your baby.

Boy friends are not husbands. This whole thing has him a bit turned off to me. I would not press the matter with him right now. Your main concern is your babies well-being. If you get a long with your family then telling them about this would be the best thing to do. Get them involved. You need family that cares around you.

You never know how people are going to react in this situation. You have to keep healthy and a positive attitude for the babies sake if nothing else.

I don't know how old you are but there are many support systems out there for pregnant unwed women.

They can help with housing, doctors, hospitals, etc. There is hope so don't give up. Just don't let pride get in the way of your decision to ask for help.

Your baby needs you now!

Good luck.

When I got pregnant with my first child I didn't think I could have children. I was so happy I told the father he didn't have to hang around, but he did after many arguments.

It's always nice to have a supportive partner, but he just may not know how to do this. Just be straight from the shoulder with him and let him know in a calm way that you need his support right now - this is as much if not more of a stresser for you.

If he stays really distant, unless you love him beyond all else, I would try to come up with some options. It is hard being a single parent, but the children are so worth it, and should you decide you cannot handle it with him or on your own there are a lot of folks who would love to have a baby even if it is conceived by another.

I had an abortion at age 14 - it damaged me emotionally for more than a decade and it wouldn't even be a consideration at my age or older, now and I am so close to 49 I could spit on it.

Meditate on this one.

I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. It's hard enough being pregnant, but losing your job and having a flaky boyfriend is certainly not helping your cause. I agree with the other mamas that it's not a good sign that the baby's father does not want to be involved. If he's not there now, he probably won't come around when the financial and emotional demands increase.

That being said, there is always adoption. Yes, a difficult decision to make, but it's a valid option should you decide single motherhood is not for you. My cousin gave her son up for adoption and has been able to be part of his life all the same (she sees him for holidays, birthdays, etc). She was at a point in her life when her son was born that she just couldn't deal with the full time care of an infant for many reasons. She does not regret the decision, and has since gotten married and had a baby.

Or, you can give single motherhood a go. A good friend of mine decided to go that route, and actually the baby's father DID end up coming around when the baby was about a year old and is now very involved in his daughter's life (she's now 7).

I guess my point is, you're in a tough spot, but you've got options. You have to follow your heart and do what's best for you and best for the baby. Only you know what the right choice is.

Take care, and hang in there.

I hope things begin to smooth out for you soon. I'm sure motherhood is challenging in the best of circumstances. You sound like a very unassuming person, perhaps you need to sit the father down and have a direct conversation, that even if you aren't going to be a couple, he needs to be involved in this process. I'm sorry he hasn't been there for you so far. I hope you find more local support, but I'm glad you are on Mamasource b/c it is a good way to join a support network. I don't really have much in the way of advice, but I wanted to express some solidarity with you. I hope your circumstances improve soon, and you find some solid ground under your feet. Take care.

OK:

Regardless if your child's father is involved- it would be best but sometimes it doesn't work- the most important thing you need to do is to file a case with your county child support agency. Since you are in California, there is the California Department of Child Support Services and their services are FREE. They do all the work to establish paternity and more importantly a child support order to make sure that you have resources to raise your child regardless if he is involved or not.I am a former child support advocate that helped to create DCSS so if you have any questions, feel free to reach me at ____@____.com care and I wish you the best.

N.

Hi there,

I'm glad you wrote and that you've gotten so many replies already. That's great that you're reaching out for support. It is SO important when you are going through such an enormous change as being pregnant and becoming a mother. I was lucky to have a lot of support from my husband, but we live very far from any family and I didn't have friends I felt I could really lean on, so it was really hard for me (and still is!). I think the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself and get as many people around you as you can to help you during this time... and to help you celebrate! You will soon have a beautiful baby that will bring so much joy to your life. :)

I hope your family will be supportive and you can all be joyful about what's to come!

Take good care of yourself!

H.

Tell your family now. You need them and if you wait much longer they will be hurt that you left them out. You don't need all the answers to have their support - maybe they can help you see your way clearly.
Your Baby Daddy sounds like a selfish bum - so make your plans with out him so you aren't more dissappointed later on.
I live 700 miles away from my family, it was hard. My mom didn't get to see me with a big belly and my son decided to be born 5 weeks early so Mom didn't make it for the delivery either.
You sound sad and overwhelmed. You need to get out - call some old friends before you get too far down.
If you decide you can't take care of the baby and want to give it up for adoption - you are not a bad person for doing that.
call your friends and family right now - it may be hard to tell them what's going on but you'll be glad you did.
Take Care!
A.

Dear O K,
My name is S. H. I'm only 16 but i already have a 20 month old. The father is involved but we don't live together. I know its hard but sometimes it is part of life. Don't blame the child it is not her/his fault. If the father is not wanting to be involved forget about him. If he really was a man he would step up and be a man. Your doing your part at being the mom and I'm proud that you didn't choose a different way out. When i became pregnant i chose not to take that path and im glad i didnt. Trust me once you see ur babies face it will all be worth it. If you have no job go out and get food stamps, WIC and your last resort should always be Welfare. I only recieve Medi-cal and WIC but it helps a lot. Go to your local Health and Human service office and ask or go online and search via google. Trust me it will help you pull through with child and all. It is better to tell your family. Maybe the pregnancy will be better if you had support from them. If your stress gets to worse locate a local therapist or counselor and get someone to talk to. You need it especially now. If you are having a girl i will be glad to send you all my daughters old clothes. If you need any support I'm glad to help anytime just email me or send me anything you need help with. My email is ____@____.com Feel free to contact me anytime. Good luck in your life. Don't let no guy keep you from being happy, your strong and can get ahead in life without him.
Love Always,
S. H.

Dear O K,
Since you have already received SO many opinions (and judgments, YIKES) I felt the need to lend some extra compassion and care. I have been in a very similar situation and I won't go into my story, but let me just say, I needed support in a big way especially when my baby came into the world and I suddenly had a huge responsibility I wasn't really prepared for (although I thought I was, HA!)

I am here to support whatever decision you make. Only you know what that right decision is. If you are spiritually inclined, now is the time for prayer. If not, maybe going within with some quiet meditation or reflection.

I would advise to get some support. Whether it be from your family, friends, hotlines, counseling, Mamasource mamas, spiritual community, other communities, etc... This is not a time to pretend to be brave or isolate yourself.

I was fortunate to have a supportive, loving family and great friends. I also found hotlines and counseling to be helpful at times of utter despair. MediCal will pay for counseling and I was lucky enough to find an incredible therapist to hold my hand when I needed it. Thank Goodness for MediCal!!! There are resources abound, my friend.

My Heart goes out to you. Take this time to nurture yourself regardless of whether the father decides to come around or not. You get to recreate your life now for whatever that means for you.

Staying True,
A.

P.S. I had 2 beautiful children at age 21 and 22 that I raised without their dad (yes, I did it twice, what was I thinking?!) suffered terrible depression, had little work skills so had to rely on my parents and aid from the state, and now we are a happy, physically and emotionally healthy family with an adoring husband / "stepping up" father making a beautiful financially successful life together. I couldn't have asked for more :) With a lot of work and faith in self, I created exquisite lemonade out of very sour lemons. LOL

Hi O.K. (I’m pretty sure you are NOT O.K.—but you will be.)

You are at the halfway point, congratulations! Don’t know why you are currently in a more populated area, but my advice is to stay put, especially if you are near family or a strong support system. (Tell your family—one less stress factor off your mind and they just might already know).

I salute you for deciding to keep your unborn child. However, I don’t understand how you perceived this event to be peaceful and happy without a mutual commitment from the father (unexpected or not—we all know how a child is conceived—SEX-SPERM-EGG, NO BIRTH CONTROL = BABY).

Now you must concern yourself with the security you will need for the medical attention required for you and your baby, and YES many women (of all ages) have been in your situation.

If you don’t have resources, there are many agencies that will help. If you do, be thankful, relax, take care of yourself, eat well, exercise and get ready for the most loving experience of your life.

Blessings.

The one thing that took me a long time to realize, I hope you get quickly, for your sanity, is that you are now on your own. even if you are not it is just better to put your mind at ease and do things as if that were the case.

Myself and most of my friends have had the same thing happen to them. Found themselves pregnant with no father involvement.

You should tell your family if you have decided you are going to remain pregnant so you can at least get a hold on what kind of support you have there. Hope for the best and expect the best but know that if you get the worst God never gives you anything you cannot handle!!! It will be hard but you will be a stronger woman for it and your child will benefit from your stregnth!!
Pregnancy should be a time for you to enjoy being a woman and having the great gift of God to be able to reproduce human life. Read, walk, eat well, get check ups and stay in peace!! what ever you have to do to get it, and keep it, do that. Peace is more than necessary when we are pregnant. Congradulations on motherhood!! Forgive the father for his stupidity and be secure in the fact that you made a choice for you not for him. Blessings and Peace be with you!!!

Dear O K,
Please consider doing yourself a tremendous favor and go to Community Pregnancy Center. There are three nearby...one in Mountain View, One in South San Jose on Almaden and Hillsdale, and one in East San Jose. You can find them in the phone book or online.

There are women there who will listen and understand. They can give you practical support and even medical help. This free confidential org. which has been around for 25 plus years was designed just to help women in your situation. I have been a counselor there and I can vouch for it.

You are going through a huge change in your life, both physically, and mentally and you are not meant to do this alone. There are people who will love you through it and be there when you need them even years later.

I myself haven't faced this situation, but my sister went through this while she was pregnant with her 2nd child. If you have a good relationship with your family, I strongly recommend you reach out to them and at least tell them about the baby. If the family relationship isn't good, I would dig deep and find the courage to go out and meet some girlfriends. Anyone you can find to offer some support during this time (and any time) will be an invaluable resource.

I know the father not wanting to be involved is a hard thing to face, but I agree with a lot of others who have responded. Your baby needs you and should be your ONLY focus right now!! That means taking care of YOURSELF first!!!!!

Support systems being very important, please feel free to email me ____@____.com if you need anything. Rant, complain, good news, whatever.... I'm not sure where you live, but I'm on the Peninsula. I'm praying you find your inner strength to help you through this! Pregnancy and motherhood are such precious times!

If he is not interested in you and your baby, I say kick him to the curb and move on. Move where you will have family and friends who will support you and your baby. Tell him if he is not going to be involved then you hold noting against him and be done with him.
We women need to stand together and hold your own. We don't "need" men. When they are truly involved and excited and all those things, then yes it is great to have them around. But being pregnant you don't need those extra stresses esp if he is the one who is adding to that.
Good luck,
trish

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm sorry that you're not getting the involvement and nurturing from that you desire from the baby's father. I'm sure that is tough, but it might be a good time to create your own support system. It is natural for you to feel tired (making a human is hard work!), but you'll feel more energized by nurturing yourself and actively seeking support. Is there a way for you to move closer to friends and/or family? Even when well partnered, friends and family can play a key, supportive role in pregnancy ... however, they can't support you if they don't know what you need or even that you are pregnant! Look for ways you can take care of and nurture yourself so you have the energy to take care of your little one.

Have you considered giving your child up for adoption???
A very hard thing to do,sure....but do what is best for the child.
A child deserves to be brought up in a happy and healthy enviroment....
Look into an open adoption so you can still be a part of your child's life.

All the best and good luck.

I'm so sorry to hear about you going through this alone. That is so tough. I commend you for not ending the pregnancy. I would suggest having a deep talk with the baby's father and see if he's even interested in sticking around. Definitely tell your family, and you can find some support through church or social services. It's in the best interest of your baby if it can be born into a stable, loving environment with two committed parents. If that's not possible, you should consider putting your baby up for adoption to give your child a better life. I have two cousins who got pregnant out of wedlock. The one who kept the baby eventually married the baby's father, but they are now divorced, and without enough education, she and her son struggle every day and deal with a lot of emotional fallout. The one who gave the baby up for adoption went on with her life knowing she had given the baby to a good family, and she finished college and later married and has children with a great husband. You've got some big decisions to make, but you don't have to do it alone. Pray for help to do the right thing.

Dear OK,

I too was in a similar situation when I had my son 11 years ago. I was 30, in a committed relationship, but I knew we werent going to get married or anything. I was at a point in my life where if I didnt take that chance, I might not have another opportunity to have a baby. So I decided to basically have the child on my own. Funny, I was just reading my diary last weekend and I wrote "Here I am all alone and all I want is to feel loved..." So I know just how you feel.
However, the one thing I did wrong was let it "eat" at me. Even though I had come to terms with my decision, having his father be so non-chalant about my decision and not really being there for me ate me up inside. I remember my stomach constantly in knots and I remember being so unhappy. I truly feel that my son was internalizing all of my emotions and my fears inside my womb. I knew throughout my pregnancy that I needed to calm down and it wasnt good for the baby.
If I could give you any advice it would be to calm yourself when you are feeling uneasy. If you feel yourself tightening up, try to meditate. Light a candle, take a bubblebath, try as hard as you can to provide a safe haven inside of you for the baby. My son has ADD and other issues that I think are directly attributed to the way I was feeling towards the last trimester. Please, it is "OK". I have met the most wonderful man ever and I am getting married on Valentines Day next year. My sons dad is in the picture and not to worry, he came around after about a year. Once his dad heard his son talk and saw him walk, it was like he was sorry for missing so much. Yes, it was bad that I had to go through my pregnancy by myself, but in the end, I am ok, my son is ok, and even his dad is ok.
Try to stay focused and healthy and you will be ok too. PS: it was my last chance to have a baby. I dont regret it at all.

Dear O K,
First, let me say that if you are in need of support, I think you've come to the right place.
You are not alone!

I was told I could never have kids. My boyfriend and I were together 6 years, owned a home together the whole thing. We never used birth control. One day....surprise, surprise. It is an understatement to say that he was not happy. I tried to be understanding at first because it was a shock for me too. After a bit of time went by and it looked like things were going to be all right, I told my family and co-workers. He refused to tell his family or let me tell them. I lived with a man who kept his fingers crossed every day that I would lose the baby and his family would never have to know.
To make a long story short, I hid my pregnancy from them for 6 months which became increasingly more difficult to do since his mother was in the habit of just dropping by. One day, when I had to hide in the employee lounge of a grocery store until she was finished shopping, I couldn't take it anymore. It took me a couple of days to get the nerve, but without telling him, I went to visit his mother. She had a conniption especially when she found out how far along I was. He never went to a single appointment with me and right up to the very end, he refused to participate in anything having to do with the baby. He was there for the birth and was actually fascinated with her for a time, but, two years later, he decided having a family was not for him. So, it was just me and the baby.
Being a single mother was not easy, but at least I got to be a mother. My daughter is 22 now and he has never really taken an interest in being a father. But, she was the joy of my life. Things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, but sometimes things just don't. So, you look for the beauty in things anyway and just move forward.
Your boyfriend may eventually come around. And, not to sound negative...there is a chance he won't. Don't worry about him for now. You can make your own decisions and find people who care about you and will be there for you. Through the good days and the bad days.
I lived with someone who literally kept his fingers crossed every day that I would lose something I wanted so badly. It was devastating.
Try to think of yourself as being lucky. You can run around as happy in your world as you want to be. He's not there to help you, but he's also not there under the same roof upsetting you and dragging you down every day.
You can get through this!

I will keep you in my thoughts and you can write me any time.

Take care and concentrate on taking care of yourself first!

Best of wishes!

Just want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I was 16 years old when I got pregnant with my first son, and the father was also not involved. I don't know how I made it through (other than God), but I do know we made it just fine!
I'm not that great at giving at advise, but I always have an open ear. Just want you to know you are NOT alone!

Best of wishes,

M.

Well sweetheart, I am very sorry you feel alone. Perhaps you should think about sharing this with your family so they can start being your support system. The father may be scared and overwhelmed. No, it's not fair because you have to deal with this like it or not because you are holding the child. However, with a seperate support system (besides the father) you may be able to enjoy this pregnancy a bit more. This should be a happy experience for you.Take it one day at a time and try to celebrate every milestone.

Beyond that...do you attend church? Maybe you can get plugged into a single parent group through a church or local community.

Perhaps you can gain some insight from these sites:

www.onetoughjob.org
www.themommiesnetwork.org
www.parentswithoutpartners.org

Good luck.

Dear sweet girl,

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I was a young Mom and my daughters father was not supportive either. I am willing to listen any time you want to talk and also share my experiences with you. Things have a way of working themselves out in time. If he does not want to be part of your life let him go and enjoy your child. Whatever you choice I am here if you want to talk.

D. ###-###-####

CONGRATULATIONS! Regardless of circumstances, giving birth and nurturing life is REWARDING! You clearly need support, and acknowledge yourself for reaching out to the group! You'll soon find out that women are superheroes and are wonderful for support and advise. We are powerful beings.

I know all about unexpected pregnancy....I got pregnant the first time I had sex with my partner (I only knew him 28 days)....talk about life altering sex! We can never control our circumstances, but we can certainly choose to rise above them. We're now pregnant with our second child and are both in heaven! I would love to talk to you on the phone....becasue my journey(of self-reflection)was not easy, but it was well worth it. Bottom line, you will have to have those uncomfortable conversations with the father...and you never know...he may surprise/floor you with his openness. BTW: If I based my partner's love and interest on his pregnancy involvement, I would have assumed he didn't care for me or our new life....an assumption that is far from the truth. Men are different and show support in other ways...you just have to give him the opportunity to open up and tell you. As my partner says, I'm there for the big day and everyday after. It is what it is. I can choose to dwell on his lack of involvement, or choose to be confident that I have everything to give to this child if need be....and be happy, and happy to be around.

If you want to talk email me and I can call you!

Good Luck!
S.

First off, congrats on your precious gift from God. Your life is about to be more full that you can imagine. Children are such a wonderful gift. Now, I didn't have your problem exactly but I am a military wife. During my pregnancy with my first I was alone alot. Being pregnant and feeling needy just go hand in hand. My best advice about the fathers involvement is to not put pressure on him. You have had a child with this man so I assume that you love him. Let him know that. Right now is so difficult emotionaly for you but surprisingly it is for him too and men are much more sensitive than we are and he can be scared off easily. Men need to know that they are MEN and they are needed and loved and that it is unconditional. I am not saying play completely needy but just let him know the basics and let him lead. He probably just doesn't understand what if any his place is, father obviously but that doesn't mean he is comfortable with that or knows how- same as you being a mother. When I was going through my tough times back then (my husband was in Iraq the first 15 months of her life) I didn't really have a relationship with God. I came to know God and seek him when she was 2 and my life changed dramatically. My relationship with my husband came to true balance and everything else followed. Not saying everything is perfect, we live in a fallen world. But what I am saying is that from some really great people, I learned how to put God first in my life and it is amazing. You don't have to go anywhere, just sit and talk to him and hash stuff out, devine guidance is great b/c you know the end results will be good. Good luck, let me know if I can help you in any way.
T.

I have been exactly where you were. I was 20, single and pregnant. My family was 3000 miles away and the father didn't want the baby. He still wanted me but no baby. But we were a package deal. The pregnancy was stressful. We argued, I spent a lot of time crying, going to appts by myself. I didn't have a lot of friends because I just moved to the area.

When my son was born, it turned out that he had Down syndrome. The dad couldn't handle having a son with a disability so he didn't stick around. That was 18 years ago. Since then, I've graduated college, have a successful career, I'm happily married with 3 more kids! My son is doing great. He's graduated high school and is going on to a post-senior program to learn how to live and work independently. He's an awesome kid and has brought many blessings to my life. The support network that I eventually created was in large part due to my son. Other mothers reached out to me in friendship and we've helped each other through the years. My two best friends in the whole world are in my life because of my son.

I know how tired you are. Things may seem really bleak and lonely right now. But please know you are not alone. There are people out there that want to help you. All you have to do is reach out to them. Please tell your family. I'm sure they will want to help you through this time.

The father is missing out on a great experience but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. Motherhood is beautiful, wonderful, tiring, frustrating and totally worth it all.

Take care of yourself and your special blessing inside you.

Hi there. You are going to make just fine. This is all new, and even when we are married and trying to get pregnant it is not easy. Usually men aren't really involved until the kids are born and big enough to toss in the air and play like that. This is because they don't know how to be involved, and pregnancy is something they will not naturally be able to relate to. So now, you could use the support from your family! Life is too short to not involve them from the beginning. Best support for pregnancy is usually the ones that love you most. Excepting of course, first-time fathers, who are usually intimidated by the situation: they feel there is nothing they can do cause they can't see what's going on, and it is in your body. I think it is harder without a husband, because "he" can't be "held" by his conscience or anyone else to keep the previous promise of commitment to love which is made in a wedding ceremony. So it may behoove you to look for single mothers' groups, and get involved in a church. Don't be afraid to tell your family. They may help you come up with a plan, goals, and they would want to know about the upcoming family member! Keep communicating with the father and your family. It is not easy for anyone. Best Regards.

Hi. I was pregnant also, with the father having very little involvment and lived far away. I adopted the attitude that this is going to be something I do on my own, and not to anticipate or think that he was going to help in any way. I also remember being somewhat depressed throughout my pregnancy. It was a huge adjustment, as far as my life style ( I had done TONS of sports, and couldnt do all that as I got bigger), my friends, just everything. I really slowed down and took the time to think and feel what I was feeling. It's a HUGE adjustment for anyone to be pregnant, let alone under the circumstance you are in. It's okay to feel what you are feeling. Having said all that, when my son was born, it was one of the most remarkable days of my life, and he is amazing. I joined a mom's group for support, and that was a great thing. I'd really encourage you to join a breast feeding support group or mom's group or something once your baby is born. Good luck to you.

A.

I don't know how long ago you told the father, but maybe he just needs time to adjust and accept this into his life the way you are working to accept it into yours. As you said, this was a surprise - for him as well! Also, men don't understand all of the changes you're going through right now and he might not really understand the support you need. Also, you said you don't see him much because of distance so that may also be a factor in his attending doctor appointments with you so maybe cut him some slack there. I would do two things. First, give him some time to come around. Second, start planning to raise the child as a single parent. That way you don't get hurt or have unrealistic ideas of how it's going to be. My daughter's father and I were together during the pregnancy but he wasn't really "there" for me. I went to all doctors appointments alone and he even disappeared for hours while I was in labor. No support there. Eventually he stopped coming around and I raised my daughter as a single parent. You need to concentrate on yourself and the baby and let him be a "second thought." Good luck and do try to enjoy your pregnancy. I loved being pregnant even if I was alone! Tell your family as soon as possible!

I was in your situation with my youngest child. She will be a year in a few weeks and would be happy to share with you my personal expierence. Here is my email ____@____.com. I went through the entire pregnancy alone with her father 500 miles and 3 states away. I also have 3 kids from my previous marriage so I was pretty overwhelmed. Of course it was an unexpected pregnancy and I was afraid to tell my family and waited til I was in my second trimester. I know how important it is to have someone to talk to and understand so feel free to email me. Sometimes just knowing that someone out there has been in your situation and made it through makes all the difference.

My advice - get the father out of the picture sooner rather than later. If he's not being involved it's because he's not into this and doesn't want to be involved. It will only get worse. Then, talk to your family, find a support group, something. You need to be able to communicate and have support. You're not alone. Good luck & let me know if I can help. C.

Hi,

First I just want to say that I am so sorry that you are going through this rough time. I know that pregnancy is a time when your supposed to be pampered and taken care of. It is horrible that the father isn't involved. My suggestion to you is to take care of yourself and your baby and forget about him. If he wants to be in the baby's life, then he will have to make the effort and earn his right to be around you. For now, you should focus on you and your child. I am not sure where you are located but I would contact the mother's club in your town, churches, pregnancy support groups etc. Alot of them are free and will be supportive to you. Surround yourself with people who care about you and will get to know you. As for your family, tell them when you feel the time is right. You have to be emotionally equipt and ready for their reaction- so just make sure that you are ready for whatever they will say. I want to wish you the best and I am so happy that you asked us on mamasource! Feel free to email me through the private message if you ever want to chat.

Take care,

Molly

hello... i'm so sorry to hear about your circumstances and the lack of interest or support from the father. May I ask how old you are? Reason being, I was in a similar situation when I was very young (19) and chose not to keep the baby but have always wondered if i could have handled having the child without the support (both emotionally and financially) of the father, a drop-in kind of boyfriend at the time. I too was like you in personality, creative, nurturing and usually "the mom" to my friends, etc. I think if you know yourself well enough and you have great friends and family who will support you (remember, the community can also be a wonderful support system), you will do just fine as will the baby. If the father is not supportive and remote, then, his loss... literally. There are still very good men out there who will love you for your choices and your child, too... (One of those is Chris Daughtry and look how great things turned out for him and his family :).

Anyway, I'd love to keep in touch and be an extra sounding board if you need it. I am in Mtn. View and have two children now with a wonderfully supportive husband of almost twenty years.

- dida

Hi O K,

I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through. I know very well what that is like. I was also 'alone' for most of my pregnancy, which was unexpected but very much accepted (by me- anyway).

I'm not sure what the details are but it sounds like you have decided to keep your baby however no one in your family/support system knows. This must be hard since you already don't have the father to freely communicate the normal anxieties, & joys of being pregnant.

I was also working/going to school when I had my daughter...There is so much I can share with you & I would be happy to offer advice via phone or e-mail if you'd like I will be at home with my daughter the next couple of weeks while I find a job- send me a message so that I can give you my number/e-mail and we can chat.

Take care,
A.

You have a very important person depending on you for his/her life! Your baby is feeling everything you are! This pregancy took two people, not just one. Do not accept feeling responsible for this alone! Going to appts. on your own is generally what moms just do... however if you want some involvement you need to express your feeling to the father and listen to his...If this is something the father dosen't want, then you may have to do this on your own. His loss!

You need to come up with a plan on how you are going to adjust to this addition in your life on your own sice the father doesn't show any interest and if he comes around later you can choose whether you want to incorporate him into your lives. He should at least pay support if not now then later. You can do this. Will it be easy probably not but can be done.

O K,

I feel this is a major reason why it is much better to be married to the father. It sounds like you are with someone that might not be ready to be a father. That being said, men are much different then women in the way they respond to situations. I have two beautiful babies and my husband didn't go to many appointments with me when I was pregnant with my 2nd child (however, he was really interested to hear about them). I think it isn't "real" to them until the child is born. As mothers we bond with the child from conception. It usually isn't the same for the fathers.

I think you should talk to your boyfriend. Find out if he is in this for the long haul. It is better to know now if he plans on being a part of this babies life. If he's not, then you should probably move closer to family or a better support system. If he is wanting to be part of this, let him know that you would love it if he would make it to the next Dr. appt. Hopefully he is just a little freaked out by all of the changes and he will soon come to enjoy this with you. It is so important for you new baby to have both parents in his/her life!

Good luck!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Having a baby grow inside you is truly a miracle and gift from God. I have a 4.5 month old baby girl who I love dearly. I truly feel I have a purpose in this world now that I have her in my life. I wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything. I’m sure you will feel the same the moment you hold your baby for the first time.

When my husband and I first started dating he said he wanted to get “fixed” so that he couldn’t have anymore children. He had his first child two days after his 19th b-day. He was just a child himself and was scared out of his mind. I told him that if he really didn’t want to have anymore children then we were wasting our time because I did want a couple of my own. After thinking about it he changed his mind…or at least that is what he told me so that I wouldn’t leave him. When I was pregnant he took no interest in me at all. It was like I bugged him even though I was so quite in hopes to not upset him. In addition, I loved being pregnant so I had nothing to complain about. Our friend’s husbands were more interested in my pregnancy then he was. I was a bit jealous that my friends had such great husbands who thought it was the greatest thing in the world to have a pregnant wife. I brushed it off as I wanted to have a strong healthy baby. I was happy to be pregnant and excited to be a mom. If he didn’t feel the same, oh well, his loss. I was going to love my baby enough for the both of us. At the hospital when I was in labor he even seemed irritated. He didn’t take much interest in the baby until she was three months. He HAD to because I went back to work and he had to pick her up from daycare as daycare closed at 5:30pm and I wouldn’t be able to get home until 6:00pm from my long commute. Now she is 4.5 months and he can’t get enough of her. He takes her from me and plays with her without me asking him to. I talked to him about how he made me feel and he did say that he was just nervous about having a baby again because his first experience was not a good one at such a young age.

Your baby’s father may or may not come around and change his mind about things. But always remember that it is his loss. Surround yourself with positive people and take good care of yourself and your baby. I was in tears reading some of the responses. I couldn’t imagine not loving a baby, any baby. They are so pure and innocent. You are not alone in this.

Do you have family and or friends who love babies ?You need someone to rejoice with and discuss all the wonderful things you are going through and have to look forward to...

Men in general do not feel as interested in babies as we who carry them do. Sometimes when the see the miracle that a newborn is, they immediately become in love and very involved. Sometimes not.

I hope you find some other women who can share this with you!! I will pray for you and wish you all the best!! A great grandmother, N.

You need to decide if you are prepared to be a single parent. will your family help you with child care and moral support? Do you have a good network of friends for the same? My childs father was gung ho until my son actually arrived. then it was nothing..wouldnt even change a diaper and didnt want to watch him when i would have a chance to go out. My son is now 11 and his dad rarely does anything with him. We are married and live together which makes it even worse as my son feels his father does not like him. you may be better off with your childs father not being involved!! but, you need to decide if this is something you can and want to do alone, especially if you dont have support. it is a big job, frustrating, but very rewarding. Oh, and about your not driving much.. My son was born with a physical disability and I took him to Shriners Hosp. (70 mile round trip) once a week from age 6 weeks to 9 months. then back for a surgery and now once a year with more surgery possible as he gets older. So be prepared.. you never know how things will be. luckily I have family and friends who are there for me both physically and emotionally. without them i would be lost and in a loony bin somewhere. I wish you the best of luck.

I am sorry to hear the the father is not involved. But to be honest you can not make him be if he does not want to. It is probably a sign of things to come. I would take this time to find out who well really be there for you. You get your support structure set up as best as you can now before the baby comes. Tell your family. you well not be able to keep it a sectert for much longer any way. I hope everything works out for
A.

Hi there,

I can't offer you relationship advice since I don't know your relationship with the father of your child. Since being pregnant is all new to the first time mom and dad as well, different people do handle them differently. When you are pregnant, your body is going through a lot of changes. You might feel more sensitive and emotional. They are all real changes that man might not understand or be able to act accordingly to provide the support we need. My husband and I were married for 9 yrs. before I was pregnant with my first child. We are always so compatible and happy. However, being pregnant and having my first child, brought out the foundatmental differences of man vs. woman in many different aspects (e.g. emotional, psychological, parenting style, etc.) My two cents is to focus on the possivity of your pregnancy. It really is a miracle to give life and be able to love and receive love in the most pure and basic form. Allow your family and friends this opportunity to share the joy with you and to support you. Being a mom is a life changing experience. I can't imagine living without my kids. They enrich my life and make me a better person. I wish you all the best and I hope I will get to hear that things all turn out well for you.

C.

Hi, i just wanted to add that I went through tremendous emotions, ups, downs, and periods of doubt throughout my pregnancy. Once I fully accepted the situation and decided to allow myself to be ok with the outcome no matter what happened with my boyfriend, then I could enjoy the second half of the pregnancy more. All those hopes and dreams you may have had regarding pregnancy and having a baby can still be true. Reach out to family, friends, even if it's just over the phone. I was certain some of the more conservative members of my family wouldn't be accepting of me being unwed and pregnant, but they were still there for me and are excited about my daughter (if that has anything to do with your apprehension in telling them). It's good that you've looked into online support groups like this. It has worked out with the fiance thus far, though we have no immediate plans to marry. I was laid off at my job, but we have found a way to make it and we both love her so much. My baby is now 6 months old and it's great being home with her while she's so young. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Having a baby can be a joyous event even when there is no father involved. You are gonna be a MOM! That is the greatest and most rewarding job you could have. I suggest telling your family and to be happy when doing so. If the dad ever comes around and wants to be involved later then great, you deal with that then. For now, accept that you are gonna be someone's mommy. This someone will love you unconditionaly and bring a happiness into your life that you could never have imagined before. Don't get me wrong it is work and at times you will probably want to pull your hair out. You will get tired. BUT and this is a big BUT :) It is totally worth it. Your family loves you, they will love your child.

Hey - and try not to stress out too much. When you stress, the baby stresses. Some how things will work out - they always do. You will find a job, your bills will eventually get paid and at the end of the 9 months you will be holding your child.

Keep your head up and if you need to talk just write :)
____@____.com
Glad to listen...

If you think that you will receive any help at all from your family, you should move back closer to them. You will need the support when s/he is young, and s/he will want the extended family when s/he is older.

There are many social services agencies that you can talk to. Look in your local telephone book for county service agencies for pregnant women. If nothing else, call the main county number and ask what services are available. You might even consider adoption. There is no stigma attached at all in wanting to find a home for a baby where both parents desperately want a child.

Whether the father gets involved or not, one of the most helpful things during pregnancy is the support of friends who understand. When I was pregnant and having a rough time with my DH, I was able to turn to a circle of local friends for support. I connected with most of them at the "Finding your Tribe" forum at Mothering.com http://www.mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?f=92

it's a great place to meet local moms and the rest of the topics at the site are excellent for talking to other moms who are going thru the same stuff in life that you are. Mothering.com is a site where the moms are interested in accurate advice instead of the common old wives tales that go around, and a lot of them are really knowledgeable. So it's a wonderful resource for both support and information about pregnancy, birth, babies, families, relationships, etc.

best of luck

I haven't been through this specifically, but the father's lack of involvement is not a good sign. I would not expect much of him and you should expect to raise this baby on your own. It's possible he'll have a change of heart, but not likely. Sorry you're in this predicament, do your best and it can still be wonderful.

Sorry to hear about your situation...however, this could be a blessing in disguise...I have been there (not exactly like your situation) I forced the father to be involved and had a lot of heart break...but a beautiful baby girl that I wouldn't give up for the world...If I had to do it over again I would have done it alone with out any stress...give him some space and time to figure out his feelings, maybe he will come around and if he doesn't consider your self lucky to find this out now instead of years later when your child has grown attached to him and he breaks more than your heart...your child will be fine with you as the mother and father until you find someone that diserves you and your baby...tell your family they will be your best support system even if they can't be right there with you. Also, try starting a journal to vent your feelings so you can start enjoying being pregnant.
Good luck!

Hi There! I don't even know where to start! I'have been in the same situation as you. preganant, jobless and without a present father. In my case he did not want it at all!!!My family knew it though. I am here to support you, I understand your pain. Please write to my e-mail at ____@____.com at anytime, and hang in there! PS I live in Davis...and you?

Wow. I can identify with some of what you're feeling, but you must be feeling it ten-fold with out the support of the father. I, too, thought I would be so happy when the day came that I would be pregnant. But, when it happened 3 months after I got married, I was NOT happy. Throw in the stressors of moving, quitting a job that I love, having no family or friends around, and a husband occupied with a new job... I often felt very alone. I moved 2 and a half weeks before I gave birth, so I have not had much energy to find a support system. I would urge you to not waste a lot of energy on trying to get the father to be supportive. I know, it sucks, but you're going to need support... so, put energy toward finding a really good support system. Do it now, while you still are pregnant and have more time to do things for yourself. Find a mother's board online near where you live, find a church (most have good support networks and will bring you meals after you deliver - even if you don't believe what you believe, I bet you could meet some really nice people who will help you through this time), or even the hospital where you will deliver might have some info on classes you could take where you can meet some other mothers. Also, find a friend who will go to childbirth classes with you and be there for the delivery. I watched a girl in my childbirth class come alone, then try to drag the unwilling father to the class and he ended up making her leave. He ruined what should have been a really wonderful process for her. Don't let the father ruin it. Find someone who is willing to share this time with you. Okay, enough. Take my advice if it resonates with you. If not, hopefully someone else will offer something that helps you out.

Hello Mother-to-be. I also have been right where you are at. I raised 2 children alone and yes, I did miss out on the involvement and support of my children's fathers. I survived and my children survived. I had the support of my family, friends, and church. Without that I don't know if I would have made it. It is important to go to social services and get on Medi-Cal so you can get the proper prenatal care and also financial help and possible food stamps and there is a wonderful program called WIC, you most definately want to get on this program too. You can complete your unemployment forms online. You will qualify for low-income housing too. Be strong for your baby and try to stay calm and bond with your little one even as he/she grows in your womb. I am so close with my children its amazing and having my babies was the greatest blessing to this date that God has ever bestowed upon me. I have loved being a mother. It has been a gift from God. My son is now 22 and serving in the U.S. Air Force and I still have my 15 yr. old with me. I was also able to go to college and get a degree. It is not an easy road, in fact it is very challenging and sometimes very lonely... but with Jesus in control of your life, you have the peace of knowing that He will provide for you and your child. You might want to tell your family as soon as possible.. hopefully they will be a good support system and also find a good church. Prayer works miracles. I always allowed my children to have contact with their fathers and that has worked out really well for their self-esteem and sense of belonging. You are not alone and the Lord wants you to know that He loves you and your baby and wants the absolute best for you. God Bless You and Keep you.