Pre School Bully

Hang in there! My son went through the same situation in pre-school. Have a conversation with the teaching staff and ask about policies/procedures. It is their responsibility to protect your child and maintain a safe environment for everyone in the facility. We taught our son to avoid the bully and tell the teacher immediately if he felt threatened. It's important to teach children how to manage these types of people, each one may require a different strategy (like adults!!) We taught my son to 'bridge' with one bully, and they found enough common ground that the behavior stopped. With another bully, we found that staying away altogether was the best solution. The bottom line is that this is a valuable life-skill to teach our kids. Good for you for wanting to empower your daughter! She is a lucky little girl!

Hi,

I think your daughter is behaving appropriately and doesn't need additional skills. I think the preschool staff may or may not be dealing with this effectively. They cannot discuss their dealings with other children with you, but in general, they should know that children with behavioral difficulties can and should be evaluated by their public school system (free). If this is a public preschool, the staff should have access to help with children with behavioral difficulties.

I am concerned with your daughter's stress level. At first you may want to back off questioning her about preschool or in any way making her think she should be handling this. When she mentions an occassion of hurt feelings, you might reinforce that the teacher is handling this and it is not your daughter's responsibility to help this child behave. Then focus your conversation on the rest of her day. If her anxiety continues, you may have to consider help for her or discontinuing this preschool.

Please notice that I have not called the other child a bully. This is because I think it is the adults' responsibility to teach appropriate preschool behaviors. There may be a million reasons for this child's actions, some of which might not be in this child's control. I hope that the staff pursue appropriate help for this child, while using appropriate discipline strategies in class to reduce these behaviors and protect the other children.
Take care

It's so hard when you're going through issues like this! A good life skill to teach your child is that she doesn't have to play with someone who mistreats her. She can walk away (not enagage) and do something else. It's not whimpy, but powerful. My middle child went through something similar in preschool. Don't be surprised if they miraculously work things out and become friends! As long as the teacher is aware and addressing things and your child is not being harmed, to learn to get along (or agree to not get along) with someone who bugs us is a great life skill! In terms of a playdate with Missy, I would leave that one alone! You might want to volunteer in the classroom and observe things, even try to engage Missy a bit to try and understand the child. It has been my experience that some kids just don't get the right quality of adult interaction at home (info NOT to share with your child), but it might make things clearer for you! Good luck!

I wouldn't have the girl over or encourage your daughter to try to make friends w/ her if she is a bully at such a young age its only going to get worse not the type of child I would want any of my kids hanging around with. I would be very upset w/ the preschool they need to keep a closer eye on this girl to make sure she keeps her hands to herself obviously just telling her we don't hit our friends isn't enough I would be asking these teachers why she isn't being placed in a time out. Your daughter has every right to be upset and so don't you another child even if only 3 has no business putting her hands on any of the other children if she is as much of bully as you say at this young of an age perhaps there is something going on in her home that shouldn't be.

Honestly, time heals all wounds. Give it a month and this will be a memory. Your daughter will forget so much faster than you. Kids go through things. The child who is aggressive will work it out and change.

I too am surprised that the preschool teachers aren't doing more to control the situation. If it were my child, I would try to teach her to avoid this bully. If your daughter is a natural leader, it could be this bully is pushing to be a leader too. Battle of the alpha females! I think it's great that your daughter is standing up for herself and her friends, but it gets to a point where she needs to walk away from it. They'll only continue to butt heads.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said she will have to deal with this as an adult as well. We all have people that we just don't get along with, but have to deal with on a daily basis -coworkers, neighbors, service personnel. We can't change these people, so we just have to "live and let live", realizing the the only thing we have control over is how we react to them. I think this is what you should be teaching your dd. It is a valuable lesson in acceptance, not to mention a great way to show her how you expect her to act (meaning, not like the other girl). I understand your concern, and your wanting to fix this, but I really think its best to stay out of it, and keep raising your dd the way you are. She seems amazing, and probably just needs reassurance from you. There are all kinds of people in this world, and dealing with the not-so-nice ones comes with the territory... even if they start small. Be thankful you got a goody!!

Hi there!
This is the kind of thing that is sensitive to all involved
so whatever you decide to do about the situation be cautious. As long as your daughter is safe and not being harmed I think that teaching and explaining the issue the way that you have been is sufficient enough. It's all so consuming when it's your child but it's something that she needs to work out with her peers-although keeping tabs on things are probably a good idea!

Best of luck....you're doing great!

Hi there.
The child your dau is dealing with may have developmental or behavioral issues that, while the staff know it, that information cannot be shared with other parents.
If you can contact the parent, and maybe 1:1 she would share some info with you (or not). But maybe would enjoy a play date. Be aware to, that this other child could have a less than ideal home situation, and maybe the preschool is a 'safe haven' for her.
I wouldn't have your child make a gift, just yet anyway.
Please try to continue having your dau be friendly, but that if she can't just to try to ignore the other ones outbursts and go play elsewhere. (and definitely get a teacher if there is any threat or anything physical) And keep checking in as you have been. (Are you allowed to go to the preschool and volunteer for an hour or so? This may also give you some insight into this other child.)
Hope this helps! W.

Hi M.,

A Professor of mine once said a comment that has stayed with me throughout my career. "All behavior is meaningful, purposeful and can be understood".

Naturally, each individual is unique with qualities that make them who they are. Toddlers have not yet had the chance to polish these personality traits and the developmentally gap between individual toddlers can be quite great.

I would tend to agree with Rebecca, that your daughter though she may be more articulate could have a similar disposition to "lead" or "control" the group as does her young peer and they are butting heads over the "turf".

Obviously, it sounds as if your daugter is more sophisticated and so her interactions with her other classmates is smoother except for this one little girl with whom she clashes which leads to considerable frustration.

The other little girl also has her own motivation for her behavior which may be as simple as wanting to feel included but lacking the social skills to effect this goal and so she becomes frustrated.

As young as they are, it is not too soon to begin to teach our children the serenity prayer especially the part "accept the things I cannot change". None of us can change anyone else. We can only change our reaction to a situation.

Just like the person who dreads the commute to work each day because they are likely to be exposed to individuals who tromp on our rights and drive dangerously; we have to learn to accept that there will be individuals who wil really challenge our tempers, etc. but we can control how we react to them and subsequently our stress levels.

As long as there is no safety issues involved with this behavior, I would suggest you continue to communicate your concerns to the staff and let them handle it. Meanwhile I would explain to your daughter that "Missy" may be misbehaving for a lot of different reasons that have nothing to do with your daugter. Insist that she continue to respect "Missy" but emphasize to your daughter that if she continues to have conflict with "Missy", it may be best to avoid her at this time.

Preschools are an opportunity for children to learn social skills which they practice on each other. Missy likely will learn that her behavior is turning others off and begin to fine tune it especially with proper adult guidance.

Best Wishes,

J. L.