Ok there is a LONG story behind all this but my husbands cousin "Marissa" does not like me. (Like I said, its a long story) At family events that I have to see her at, we pretty much ignore each other. My daughter knows nothing about what has gone on between me and Marissa. I know for a fact that her daughter "Missy" knows what happened between us, because my husbands aunt "Lucy" had a talk with me about how she was happy I was being the bigger person and that even Missy said her mom needs to get over it. Here's the thing though, at the last couple gatherings, (over summer & a fall gathering) Missy would not acknowledge my daughter. My daughter is younger and idolizes Missy. In years past these two would play wonderful together. My daughter gets so excited at the thought of seeing Missy and is excited to date even though she was ignored at the last two gatherings. At the last two gatherings my daughter asked me why Missy would not play with her. I told her maybe she just wanted to play with the older kids. But it was obvious Missy was either being told not to play or feels like she can't because her mom will get mad. (I witnessed my daughter complementing Missy about the skirt she was wearing. Missy looked at her, and turned her head around without saying anything, no smile, nothing) My MIL did not see this incident but did noticed Missy ignoring my daughter too and said something (without me even talking to MIL about it) to her sister Lucy, this girl's Grandma. Lucy said, no Missy would not do that, but it was left at that.
So we are going to see them on Christmas Eve. I am worried and feel sad for my daughter. Now, maybe time has passed and Missy will be ok. But, if she isn't....should I come clean if my daughter asks me why Missy won't play with her. I'm not going to bad mouth anyone but just explain to my daughter its most likely because of me and Missy's mom. Again, maybe things will be fine and I will only mention something if my daughter asks me and aware of it. I just feel like I have too, since I don't want my daughter to feel its because of something she did. What do you think?
My daughter is 6
FYI: I have tried to make peace only for her to attack me again and again.
UPDATE!!!
So I did end up having a talk with my daughter prior. I told her that we were going to see Missy and asked if she remembered the last couple times she wouldn't play with her. I told her it could happen again, but don't think its her fault. My daughter immediately replied "I think Missy likes playing with the older kids." Now keep in mind this is what I told her before and the older kids are only a year or two older than her. But she bought this reason. I also told her Missy is used to being around boys, as she has 3 brothers. I reminded her that she has other cousins who absolutely love playing with her, too. But then told her who knows....Missy might just play with you this time. Well....Missy's mom was not there but Missy was and she played with my daughter. So it worked out, but I'm glad I had the talk with my daughter anyway.
The truth. It's not badmouthing to say, "Missy's mom doesn't like me." Just keep it short and sweet, and matter of fact.
What nonsense. Life's too short.
I would say something to the girl about how it is proper manners to respond to someone when they say something to you. I would stand up for my daughter. I would not care if the I*(^%$ hit the fan. She should not get away with doing this no matter if her mom told her to or not.
If you get called on the carpet about it by the grandma's or other family then I would simply say I am tired of my daughter talking to her and she stares a moment at her then pointedly ignores her. I don't want my daughter learning poor manners from someone she loves.
Missy and mom both need to get over it, it sounds. Or maybe Missy is just at the age where younger kids are "babies" and you can't be bothered with babies.
Give it time.
I would be honest with my daughter. I would let her know that the mom and I were not seeing eye to eye on some things and sometimes family sticks up for each other. It is nothing that she did, and nothing that either I or the cousin did, but it just is what it is right now.
You don't say how old your daughter is, but mine is 8 and I'd tell her.
It doesn't have to be bad mouthing at all.
ETA: Okay, so 6 :). Thanks! I'd still tell her. I'd even sit my 4 year old down and explain to him. I'm honest with them on real life situation things. I think it's the best policy to let them know things get tough sometimes and people react differently - it's okay, and we just need to keep moving.
I say it's time to talk to your daughter about people who are immature. You don't have to go into details, just tell her that sometimes people who don't know to solve differences behave this way and avoid. I'm just concern that she will feel she did something to cause Missy to behave this way towards her. If you explain about childish behavior, your daughter will not feel she has to 'kiss up to' Missy or Marissa. Good Luck.
I would just remind your daughter ahead of time that while she's really excited to see Missy, Missy may not want to play with her. Ask her to remember the last couple of visits when Missy ignored her.
Tell her you don't know why Missy doesn't want to play with her, but it's a lesson for her that sometimes people do things that hurt us and we don't know why and sometimes will never know why.
Tell her that if she tries to play with Missy and she ignores your daughter to simply find someone else to play with.
I don't see any reason to bring your daughter in on what's happening in an adult world. It's sad that Missy is turning into a little version of her mother.
Your daughter is 6. I would just tell her you and her aunt had a disagreement and that it looks like her daughter is sticking with her mother's side. Tell her that is very sad and a rude thing to do, but we should still be nice and friendly, and don't feel sad if she ignores you again, because it isn't your fault.
I had a similar situation and my 5 year old was so sad that his aunt was ignoring him, (so immature of her). I finally had to give him a watered down version similar to that b/c he wouldn't stop asking and stressing out over it.
Also, I kindly disagree with the above statement by OneandDone. While that is right in most cases, some people are just downright hateful and vengeful people with absolutely no reasoning/ forgiving skills, no matter how much you beg, plead and try to simply smooth things out. Sometimes, avoiding is the only answer, b/c they will attack you no matter what. I've seen this happen with two once very close family members and it is truly shocking. Especially if they are narcissistic, bipolar, borderline or something.
can your husband mend the relationship between you and the cousin, can you do fake i'm sorries J. to be cordial at parties? Or can he tlak to her and say I know you two don't get along but lets try and get the girls to grow up close to one another? I think your mil rocks for standing up for you! Whats her advice?
IF you see Missy ignoring your daughter and IF your daughter asks, then I think you do need to let her know that it is most likely because of a situation between you and Marissa. I would not say anything to her unless you have to.
IF Missy is not friendly with your daughter and DD doesn't ask about it, when I tucked her in bed that night I would ask if she had fun, etc., and if she acts sad in the least little way, I would ask her why and maybe that will open up the door for you to tell her that you think a problem you had with Marissa had caused a problem between DD and Missy. If your DD is like my granddaughter, she may feel/see that MIssy isn't playing with her, but not want to mention it for fear that someone will tell her it's because SHE did something wrong. You need to make sure your daughter understands that she's not the problem/created the problem but only IF you see that there is a problem.
The less children know about adult situations, the less it affects them. Missy might also feel caught in the middle because her mom shared information with her and now she might feel like she can't play with your daughter out of a sense of loyalty to her own mother. Children should not be privvy to adult stuff!
How old is your daughter?
If your daughter is young, I would just leave it alone and just tell your daughter that you are sorry, but sometimes big kids think they are too cool for younger kids, but for her to remember not to be that way.
Or say maybe "Marrissa has lot on her mind."
I know this is all very hard. I am still not speaking to my MIL and SIL after 25 years of them always thinking the worst of me. I did not cut off ties with them until our daughter was 18 and she realized what was going on.. I just do not need that in my life.
I am not sure if at 6 she will truly understand why. I hope that the kids will play and all will be OK, but if the mom is this stubborn then it's not likely. I would try to be honest with your daughter and tell her that you and Missy's mom don't get along, but that you really don't know why she doesn't want to play.
A good reason to make peace with your husband's cousin. I know it is not always possible, but I was put in the same situation as your daughter, and I was angry at my parents about it. It feels terrible. I would talk to the other mom, or have yoru hsuband do it. If that doesn't work, I think you must expain the situation to your daughter - you can't let her think this is her fault. Not do I think she should be mad at the other little girl. This is totally the grown-ups' faults.
Grandma's house should be considered neutral territory. Kids should be able to play freely at Grandma's house with their cousins. Just as kids should be able to play freely with any toys at Grandma's house (my own long story...)
There are several ways to handle it.
1. Have the parents drop the kids off with Grandma for 2 hours or so. This will give the cousins time to play without parents hovering, and parents will have time to finish up some Christmas stuff.
2. Plan an all ages activity: cookie decorating, gingerbread men, glitter poinsettas, etc. If there are several kids, you could have a treasure hunt for little hidden dollar store goodies around the house. Missy and your daughter could be a team.
3. Ask her. Instead of guessing, ask her. It may just be that she is trying to be more grown up and doesn't want to play with a 6y. We have a 17y that the 3-10y just adore. Everyone wants to hang out with him. At the same time he's trying to be more grownup and doesn't want to be the entertainment 24/7.
Sounds like your husband needs to talk to Marissa and explaine that the two of you don't have to "like" each other but you are family and he does not want nor will he tolerate the girls to perpetuate the rift. The two of you, if not make peace, should at least speak at a family function ("hey, how are you"...something like that). That would show the girls (especially Missy) that it is ok to still interact with each other.
Grandma Lucy sounds like my aunt. She never thinks her oldest grandson or my son can do any wrong. If they got in any trouble in school for not listening her first words were "Well what did the teacher tell him to do?!" Rather than "Why didn't you listen to the teacher!"...and that is just a small example. I have always said, she could watch them commit a crime and wouldn't believe it (and if she did she would deny it!).
I'd tell your DD what Amanda F said to talk to her about. That to remember the last couple of times Missy wasn't very friendly and Missy may choose to act that way again. If that is the case, you are sorry, but sometimes people are not nice, sadly even family. And sometimes people who've played with us before change and decide they don't want to anymore. Then I'd stick close by DD at the gathering. If you personally see Missy being rude to your DD, speak up. Call her on it. Surely it will irritate Marissa, but at this point I would not care about offending her. They're trying to hurt you, don't let them. Teach your DD how you should stand up for yourself, and not let yourself be walked over.
I would start shunning Missy and Marissa - stop giving either of them cards or gifts, do not acknowledge either of them at all - do unto to them as they have done unto you and your innocent child. I would also LOUDLY tell your daughter to leave the nasty girl (Missy) alone, if she continues to be so rude to her. You need to call attention to her behavior to EVERYONE, that way you don't need to make your child feel it's her fault, without getting into all the nitty gritty details she probably doesn't need to know.
Ex: Your daughter goes up to Missy and tries to talk to her or asks her to play, and Missy ignores her completely or rudely talks to her... As the Mother I'd say LOUDLY "Honey, leave that mean girl alone, if she can't be polite or nice, don't waste your time on something like that."
I HAVE said this before and VERY LOUDLY to a child who had repeatedly rebuffed my child for whatever unknown reason - my daughter is extremely loving, friendly and social and should not ever be treated in that manner by ANYONE.
You should also tell your husband to grow some ____@____.com and to stand up for his CHILD, his own flesh and blood.
Ok, Missy said her mom should get over whatever it was and I assume that it was in the past like by several years by now...
Could it be that she is just getting older and wants to be seen as an adult? I remember thingking as a child, if I stop playing with the other kids, then I will not be seen as a child.... I know logic only a child can use.
I think if it were me I would role play with my little one and instruct her to play as usual and if she runs into any problems to inform the grandmothers.
I would say If you try to play with missy and she does not want to play with you than ask her why, and if she ignores you than let your grandma and missy's grandma know what is going on. Me as a mother would already know because I would be watching!
It's up to the Matriarch's to get this fool (the mom) under control and do not feel bad for your daughter just use it as a learning tool for her.
Good luck and let is know what happened..
If your child is 6 and the other girl a few years older, then the other girl is at an age where some kids just get an attitude and ignore younger kids for a bit -- until they grow out of that and find the younger kids just adorable. So it may be about that and not at all about you and cousin Marissa. Wait and see what happens, and then if it plays out badly again, it's time for what Lynn's post said: It's your husband's family; it's his job to talk to Marissa.
He could say, "You and my wife don't have to be friends, but you do need to be civil to each other in front of your child and ours; and our daughter adores your daughter and has no clue of any tension between the moms. We want to let the kids be kids and keep them out of our adult issues. I know our daughter is going to want to talk to yours; please, ask your daughter to treat ours respectfully and to interact with her." If she is really b@&chy about it, well, he can add: "You're using your child as a pawn in an adult game you're playing, but you can play it alone." Then he and you both can ignore her.
Redirect your daughter to other cousins' kids if you possibly can, or distract her with her newest holiday gift, etc. I also like the post that said to have lots of planned, hands-on activities ready for ALL the younger people to do together as a larger group -- great idea. Less unstructured chat and play tiime means less time for feelings to get bruised.
As for what to tell your child: Girls of your daughter's age may or may not do well being told about grown-up tensions. I know my daughter at that age (and even now) would immediately try to "fix" things, get upset that adults weren't getting along (kids her age want everyone to be nice), would try to enlist the other child to help, and might even try to talk to the adult cousin herself, which could unfortunately stir things up for Marissa. Only you know your child well enough to know if telling her "We don't get along" would make her shrug and say "OK" and occupy herself elsewhere, or if it would cause her to ask many questions and try to stage an intervention....Mine would and she would be upset if the adults didn't hug and smile in front of her. So think through whether you do want to tell your child anything at all, or what you would choose to say. It may not be needed at all -- just get through the event, focus on other people and focus your child on other people or on activities.
Yes I would if she ignores you again i would.just tell her like you said minimul without slashing just say something happened me and missy's mom don't talk n unfortunately she may not be able to play any more. not because of anything you did but because of mommy or whichever way you know it. i would let her know maybe before u get there so shes prepaired for being ignored.
Kids live what they learn. Now you both are seeing the effects of a "family feud" on your daughters.
There is NO riff, no misunderstanding and NO circumstances on this planet that cannot be smoothed over. "Marissa" is not the Queen of The Dark...she's a person.
Bury the hatchet for good. For the sake of both of your girls. Once and for all.
Sometime "steering clear" is not a good enough tactic for someone you see all the time. Sometimes you need to jack it up to the ""Muh-wah, muh-wah! How are you?" phase. That's what you need.
to One and Done...let me say you are very lucky to believe in what you wrote. However, I disagree. We have a terrible "feud" in our family, and trust me when I say there will never be a mwah mwah moment. Some people are just plain mean and don't deserve for people to bend for them.
Brown eyed girl...your daughter is kind of young to get involved, I wouldn't say anything about the issue until she's older, for now just tell her, that Missy has been ignoring her the last few times, maybe she is maturing and wanting to hang out with kids her age... sorry you are going through this.
I think she needs to stay innocent of the issues that are going on. I cannot believe anyone had the gaul to tell "missy" unless it was the constant bad-mouthing of you and the hope to defend you and your family in the situation - regardless. She is seriously a kid and kids do not need to know every single piece of dirty laundry between adults - even if it is affecting them. It will impact them even more if they know.
I would be sure to have a back up plan if my kiddo - what toys, games, distractions are available to you - if cousin is being weird or stand offish, just tell your daughter she is getting older and sometimes things change, but if she gives it time it will turn around. Also if there are little cousins, explain to her that now SHE gets to be the BIG cousin that all the kids want to play with :)
I would clue your child in that it's not HER or anything she did wrong. People are just stupid sometimes (use your own words).
I have a cousin that should she ever (and I pray not) have kids, we would be in a similar boat. I just don't deal with her and would tell my child it's not HER fault.
