I have a 12, almost 13, year-old daughter. She is smart, beautiful, and much more confident than I was at her age. We love so much about the young woman she is becoming. Unfortunately, she has recently developed disrespectful habits. More often than not, she ignores us when we ask her to things... clean up after herself, get ready for bed, show us her homework. We ask 3, sometime 4 times, then I get directly in her line of sight and tell her to do it right that second. At which point she usually yells and claims that we are horrible and mean and don't really want her around... or some variation of that. Sometimes there is yelling on both sides and it hurts my heart. I'm sick of the yelling and I am open to suggestions.
We are taking the "it takes a village to raise a child" approach. I have implimented weekly family meetings that include myself, my husband, my ex and my daughter. (Thankfully my ex and I have a good relationship.)
During the week we are documenting any incidents--good and bad--so that we can disucss them in accurate terms at the Sunday meetings. My intention is to keep these meetings to approx. 15 minutes (with my ex on speakerphone if necessary) so that we keep up with it.
I am also keeping my mother and step father in the loop, as they have frequent contact with my daughter. Everyone, my ex, my mom and step-dad, has agreed to abide by any punishment she receives... meaning that if she is grounded I won't stop her from seeing her dad, but her dad will support the grounding and she will be grounded at his house. No friends, no movies, no cool activities... which is standard fare when she's at his house.
So far, the support is very geniune and it is making a BIG difference in my daughter's attitude. We still had a couple of situations that included whining, talking back and the like, but afterwards there was much less of the usual BS. She actually apologized (which is rare). And then yesterday at out family meeting, she took responsibility (because she weas cornered!) and my ex reminded her that they had already discussed that specifc behavior, and she seemed sincerely embarassed.
I am very hopeful!
Thank you all so very much for your responses and your encouragement!
Check out Chick Moorman's Parent Talk book, his web site is http://www.chickmoorman.com/. He really believes in throwing the responsibility back on the child, and not reacting to confrontations. You'll get a lot more from reading his book or looking at his other sources, I think you'll gain a lot of strategies from him. Good Luck!
M. this is the age where they need our attention and discipline more than ever...sit down with her in one of her good moments, praise her as you have said here and then together write out a contract for actions and consequences, then when and if when she fails to follow through she knows what the immediate and non negotiable consequences will be and there should be no yelling or arguing as she agreed to and helped create this contract. This was the BEST thing ever we did with our kids and we continue to improve upon it as they mature and grow....my oldest is at college and she and her roomates wrote one to cut down on arguing over cleaning etc.
good luck
E.
nursery times day care
If i didnt know any better i would think your daughter was mine. I also have a 13 daughter that ignores me when i ask her to do stuff. Sometimes she is so good and does what i ask and then the next time it takes me getting in her face and then she tells me that i hate her. Which i reply ya i love you and then she gets mad. Ihave two other children that listen well so i am not sure why she doesnt other than she is the middle child and she thinks that nobody cares about her.
if you get some good advice let me know so i can use it too
my email is ____@____.com
Debbie
M.,
Its that age. It will pass, Maybe something is bothering her. Have you thought of some kind of counseling. Good luck
I have this same problem with my 14 year old daughter. She has become very mouthy with her step-dad and myself. So we have recently decided to put her on "lockdown". This may sound harsh, but really all it is, is a total grounding from EVERYTHING she loves. She is not allowed to watch TV, no iPod, no talking on the phone, no leaving the house and most importantly NO COMPUTER. That last one really gets her where it hurts. My husband and I have decided it will be this way until she can start showing respect. When she starts doing this, we will slowly give her back limited use of her privledges. I know this doesn't always work with all kids, but so far she has shown a little improvement.
Don't feel bad, obviously, you are not alone. I too have a pre-teen daughter who is disrespectful. I let her go move in with her dad 9 months ago, unfortunately, to date, her attitude has not improved much. She will be 13 next month. In my situation, her dad and I are divorced and we do not get along, so we are not on the same page in terms of raising her. My advice to you (which is supported by my family counselor) is that both you and your husband need to stand together when it comes to disciplining her. Don't allow her to use one parent against the other. Kids this age will play any games they can to get their way.
MC
M.,
I share the pain and I too am looking for advice.
Good luck!
Welcome to the Pre-teen/Teenager stage!! I am a mother myself of two teen girls also with the same problem. My youngest is 12 almost 13, and My oldest is 17. It doesn't get much better until they are on their own. It gets crazy over here, just watch for the signs just in case she might be doing something else like: Alcohol & Drugs, or having sex with boys etc. Didn't mean to scare you there! Check out her friends, Peer Pressure, is either starting right now and will be more of an extreme when she goes to High School. Check her online Status by going to the history part. If she has a cell phone check the bill to see who she's been calling, or who has been calling her. get in touch with the her school counselor to find out about her grades. Take her to Family Counseling, or Counseling for just her alone. Get to the root of the problem before it gets out of control worse than it is already.
