Pre-teen and Teenage Years "Help"

I hit that place about 2 years ago.The myspace thing is going to happen. They will lie and hide it if you say no. I now have one to keep track of my 13 yr. old daughter. Grades should get better. Its all new to them just as it is too you. Keep an open mind and just let them know they can talk to you about anything. Hopefully she will understand and trust you that you know whats going on. Try having a girls day once a month. It really helped me. Just you and her, maybe she will open up a bit.

My daughter is 28, so when she was pre-teen and teen the Internet was not so much the issue, but I see that others who have responded have addressed that issue nicely.

The lying was an issue though and it started right around 13. I was broken hearted at first when I realized that my child had lied to me. A good friend of mine who is also a psychologist said to me, this is not so much about you as it is about the fact that your daughter is becoming a teenager and part of her mission now is start testing her own wings and to learn how to break away from you, but you have got to let her know that you are still in controll because she needs to know you are strong enough to accompany her through these turbulent times she is entering. Part of what this means is that you need to prepare to be unpopular for the next 5 or so years. But you must stand your ground as a Mother who loves unconditionally and who knows something about life.

So what I did was to take away everything that she valued (TV from her room, music, excursions with friends, phone privileges, etc.) and told her she had to earn it all back. Then we drew up a contract to lay out when and how she could earn each item back. she had to exchange certain behaviors and "chores" along a timeline to earn her valuables back. Chores and behaviors included things like getting her grades up; keeping proper bedtime without me nagging; keeping her room tidy; walking, feeding, and washing the family dog on a regular basis; having regular days in each week to clean the kitchen after meals; etc. After two weeks of keeping her end of the contract she got her phone back, after one more week she got her music back, and so on.

I followed the contact to the letter and she did too. When she had all of her valuables back we wrote out a general contract where she had the potential to earn a certain weekly allowance in exchange for continuing the chores and behaviors. Each chore and behavior was given a monetary value for example 50 cents each time she cleaned the kitchen, 50 cent for each day in a week that her room was tidy, etc. (of course this was the 90s so you'll have to take inflation into account:)You what, this worked! The teen years were still tough but we now had a system in place for dealing with many of the issues that arose.

Also, I underscore what others have said in their responses about spending one-on-one time with your daughter. Set aside some time each week for the two of you to do something together--go to a cheap restaurant; go to a movie; go bowling; window shop at the mall; visit a video arcade; walk in a local park for an hour or so; Anything where the two of you get away from your regular concerns for an hour or so and just talk about unimportant stuff. This will make it easier for her to talk to you about important stuff when it comes up. This habit of regular Mom/Daugher time will also let her know that you're interested in who she is, even when there is stress between you.

Anyway, I've said enough. Just hold on to your daughter and know that you are in for a wild ride through the teen years, and take heart that holding her to standards and keeping limits around her will pay off in the long run. Our teens need need limits/boundaries and they need to know that we care enough about them to put up with a little pain (being unpopular, even disliked by them) to keep them safe.

My daughter has turned out great, AND she has since thanked me for the boundaries I set when she was a teen and for being strong enough to hold my ground with her.

Your daughter is lucky that you care as you do; and you are lucky to have her...

First know that you are not alone then take back the power in your home of being the parent and decision maker. A child of 12 should not have a Myspace account set to private or otherwise (They can still receive messages and inappropriate invites). The computer should never be in her room but in a public area of the home. If at such a young age she has a cell phone take it away. Don't be afraid to be the parent and yes disliked for the decisions she won't like. Consider getting her into an after school program (The Passage Program is available at most schools). Occupy her time with something positive. Lastly I would say spend some time with her just the two of you each week. Keep that line of communication open but draw a clear line between "friend" and parent. Remember that your daughter and you are going to and suppose to disagree- she thinks like a 13 year old and you see life with the experience and understanding of a 31 year old. You are suppose to butt heads. Please remember to not parent from guilt and to not feel guilty for doing what is right for your daughter whether she likes it right now or not.

Well... I can certainly relate. I was once that same teenager you are dealing with. My parents didnt deal with it very well and I got myself pregnant at 16. My first question, where does she get internet access from? If it is your house, either put a stop to it completely or use parental control, most internet companies have them these days. She is crying out for your attention. Spend some time doing what she wants to do just the two of you. Don't let her walk all over you, stand your guard. If you havent had the sex talk now is a GOOD TIME, dont delay any further. The sooner the better. Get her involved in some type of activity. Boys and Girls Clubs are great an inexpensive. Ask her questions, lots of questions. Know where she is, who she is with, set rules (time to be back, etc.). Be involved and she may hate you for this NOW, but I gurantee she will come through just fine. I hope this helps! C.

I have a 14 yo girl and we went through the thing with myspace and grades. She had to stay after school with her teachers 3 days a week until her grades came up. Now she has a B in advanced Geometry and keeps it up so she doesn't have to stay after school anymore. As for the myspace you can contact them and tell them she is under the required age limit and to have her account deleted. We told my daughter that she could have a myspace account only if we had 100% access to it. We don't check it every day or even every week. We just access it when ever we feel the need. This was the agreement with her from the beginning. If she violates anything it gets taken away. Another thing that we use is a keyboard recording program. It records everything that is typed on the keyboard. Passwords, emails. You can set it up to turn on when specific keywords are typed. My daughter doesn't even know we have it. She also was given her own account on the computer so that if I need to restrict her from certain sites I can do it.Windows XP and Windows Vista has it where you can create the separate accounts. This also gives them the ability to design their desktop to their liking. You just state that they are a user and not administration. This is also good because they can't download without your permission. Which helps alot believe me! Windows Vista has a good parental control program if you need it. It is new with Vista. I don't use it because of the keyboard typer, but it is good if you can't pay to get the program which can run from $50 - $150 depending on how much you want to keep an eye on. Mine cost $75 and it works good. I work on computers as a part-time job and have used many programs just so I could either see how they work or use as a recommendation. So if you need any advice on them just send me a message.

Hi L., I am sorry that your daughter has lied to you.Sit her down and explain to her how important honesty is to you, and that she has broken your trust by lying and having a myspace account without your permission.Take away the computer and make her earn it and your trust back, also take other things thst you feel are valuable to her personaly such as a cell phone,this will show her how Wrong her lying to you is.Where is you computer? Move it to a public location in your house where anyone can walk into the room and see what the person is doing.I had a friend that removed her daughter's bedroom door until she started respecting her and brought her grades up.Good luck.

Hi L.,
I have a 13 yr old daughter, soon to be 14. I don't have a lot of trouble with her so far but I will tell you what has worked for me. I pretty much lay it out there for her. I try to tell her what I felt like at 13 and some of the things I went through, so she knows a lot of what she's going through are things that I did go through and she knows I can relate a little more. I also really stay involved in every aspect of her life. She too has a myspace account BUT I have the password and complete access to it and she knows the second there are lies or inappropriate things related to it, she's DONE. She knows I know when grade reports are coming out and I know how to get in contact with any of her teachers at any time to check on how she's doing and if there is any problems or concerns we will keep on it til its worked out. In the end, we can only do our absolute best at being the parent and keep our fingers crossed that what we are teaching will sink in and they will be happy healthy well adjusted grown ups. I hope this has helped. Feel free to email me anytime for advice or to vent! Good luck with it all!

Hello, My name is F. and I'm a teen mom with four children ages 18 female and 15,14 boys and 7 little girl. My daughter was and at time still is along with my boys and handfull and a lier. I ofter would call my bestfriend whom is a Social Worker. She would remind me how I was at that age and what I did. I felt I gave me kids enough leway (spell check), but maybe too much. I don' think a parent knows especially a single parent knows how much is enough. It's hard to moniter your kids when you work all day. I realized that I had to reward them with outings (family stuff) or personal things. Like we had a note book of WANTS and although money was tight espicially with one income I managed to buy thing for them. I then realized that my daughter liked that and slowy started to open up. She said I was to controlling and had to let up. I was happy she was talking to me so I just soaked it up. I didn't always work out that way but that is how it started and whenever we came to that bridge we just tried to deal with it. I have my own myspace page. I have all my kids on it and they have me on theres so I can somehow moniter who is there friends. They also know I WILL DELETE IT IF I FIND OUT SOMETHING BAD IN RELATION TO ANYTHING. It's been about four months now and all is good.

L.,

You are not alone! Although this is not a good situation it helped for me to read your message because I have dealt with nearly the same thing lately. My son is 12 and his grades have dropped tremendously in middle school. I found out that he had a myspace account and confronted him. He apologized and we went and deleted everything. I don't think our teens should have myspace unless we know the account and passwords and it is set to private. A fellow parent thinks that the kids will do it anyway, but we have to know our relationship with our own children. Do you trust her to talk to you in the future? I asked my son if he wanted me to help him build another myspace account but that we would do privacy settings. He declined and said it wasn't that great anyway. I'm trusting him and the same fellow parent believes his low grades are a maturity issue.

I'm hoping that things will clear up in the next year before high school! We also hired a tutor for him to work mainly on organizational issues. We found that the grade issue isn't due to lack of intelligence. I think we have to have some patience through these years and I will need a lot of advice also! Good luck!

This is when your daughter is trying to gain some independence but at the same time she realizes that she's still a kid. This was a difficult time for me when my daughter was that age. My husband worked swing-shift, only saw the kids on the weekends. I was "on my own". One day her attitude was so bad and her mouth full of back-talk and just plain snotty and smart alleck.....I got out my pocket recorder and placed it by her door and let her rant and rave. After she stopped I played back the tape for her, needless to say we were both in tears. I never had that problem with her again!

I remember being a handful myself. What I also remember most clearly is my Mom sitting me down calmly (you are the Mom, you are in charge - you keep the drama out of it) and saying how my behavior hurt her and why she was concerned for me. I was probably trying to play it cool at the time, but it has still stuck with me. Half of what kids say (Myspace, Facebook, etc) is to impress or shock their own peers. Be upfront and ask, "why?" Again, don't fall into the trap of reacting and yelling. Of course you are upset. But, your daughter needs to know you are in control and will set limits with her. There need to be consequences, and you must follow up. Be realistic - No more MySpace is hard to reinforce with computers everywhere, but you can eliminate other rewards without problems. PS... The most powerful tool I know of for your sanity is giving yourself a hug for being a good Mom and wanting to do the best for your girl. Don't stop checking in with other Moms for support.