Hi C.,
First off, chin up, Mom! You're doing great!
I would agree with rewards for going on the potty. I wouldn't agree with taking away things for accidents. Don't want any bad memories associated with going potty. The goal is to offer the potty as a good thing. And, each child is different about how much they care or don't care about having poop in their pants.
One thing that I finally tried with my son (he was almost 4) was to have him help me swirl those undies in the toilet. (key is to keep smiling and don't be angry) In less than a week he was staying dry and clean. He is now almost 8. I do still cringe when thinking about this, though.
Be gentle on yourself. There isn't a report card for parenting. So, we can sometimes pressure ourselves into believing that potty-trained kids are proof that we are great parents. And, grandparents and other well-intentioned old people can regale you with stories of how old their kids were when they were potty-trained. (at a year old or less!) They aren't telling you how often they put those kids on the toilet or at what age those kids actually sat on the toilet by themselves. It is just too much expectation for poop. We all get there before we go off to Kindergarten.
Keep smiling! Hope this helps!
D.
