Possible Divorce Situation

You say his interaction with the kids is great, BUT if he is like this IN FRONT of them, then no, it's not great. It's abusive. Please contact a woman's shelter and see what you can do.

Stop Walking on Eggshells. That's a good book that you can get at the library or Amazon. It's made for your situation.

I'm glad you see the benefit of change for everyone's sake. Imagine if you had a loving, treasured daughter in this situation. What would you want her to do?

Find the local women's shelter and talk to them. Start your own bank acct. get a safe deposit box and put your and your kids important papers in it. Find someone to store any treasured things you love.

Your narsasistic husband will loose his mind when you tell him you are leaving. Have all the precautions in place before you tell him.

I had an alcoholic for my first husband. He drank through our whole marriage. He had a large family ; mom,sisters, brother and like 6 aunts who all thought he was a great person. I on the other hand had lost all my family and had only one brother left with some cousins left. I gathered as much support as I could from counseling,church and the women's shelter and left with my son. I owned the house so it was a matter of getting him to leave.
You have to know what is in your heart. You have to take the kids with you. If possible the best case is to stay in your home with the kids. In the cases I heard of he has to foot the bills for the house as long as you have the kids and remain in the house. Start stocking on up on things for you and the kids (food,household items). this will leave funds for lawyers.
I would not live the way you are. This is not normal for him to yell at you like that. My uncle was very particular about his house he needed the house cleaned a certain way and the couch's pillow had to lay the way he wanted and there couldn't be any scratches in the furniture. the rugs vacuumed on this day. Anyway what I 'm getting at he never once raised his voice to my aunt or belittled her to anyone. My husband has an uncle the same way, and he also has never yelled at his wife. He has told her that things bothered him.
You may feel like you can't do it on your own, but you can there are boocoos of us women who have. You need to make the right decision for you and your children. Your husband doesn't have any say anymore. There are plenty of agencies and help groups who are willing to help.

I am sorry if this seems blunt or unkind but you need to see the reality of your situation. **** Your husband is scum**** He is not a good father -- He is not a good husband. Just because he makes a decent income does not make him a good provider. Al Capone made a good income he was still scum.

Your husband is an abuser. You need to take the kids and leave.

A good provider provides a home filled with love and kindness. Your husband provides a home full of fear and pain.

A good father takes good care of his wife and the kids because he knows the kids are watching. Some things are taught and some things are taught. I would strongly recommend getting counseling for yourself if nothing else.

My actions would show my husband how unacceptible it is to speak to me any kind of way. If he complains about how I do something around the house or something that I didn't do, I would simply let him know he can now be in charge of that same thing to show me how it is supposed to be done and I wouldn't do that again, period.

Him yelling at you is unacceptible. If he ever does that again, you pack up the kids and leave. You just need a safe place to go as you are retraining your husband for the things you find acceptible.

No one gets to speak to me without anything but the utmost respect. I just won't stand for it. Whatever you do take your kids with you. Get a group of great counselors from attorneys, to financial planners, to baby sitters, to friends, to pastors and family of course because enough is enough and you will need your village to help you with the children.

A good father does not treat his kids mother like this. Additionally, you should not have to walk on egg shells. I hope you have your ducks in a row, unfortunately the only way to get him to see the light may be to divorce him. Best of luck.

This does not sound like a marriage worth saving. You have spent 16 years feeling unworthy in your hsuband's eyes and that is 16 years too many. If your husband can't show you love and respect, he does not deserve to be your husband.
The good news is, he can continue to be a good father - taking care of and providing for his children - even if you are divorced. You will have to work out a joint custody agreement. It won't be easy on you and or the children, but it will be for the best.
Whenever I hear people in situations like yours, I always remind them that children learn from their parents and many kids will end up in marriages that reflect that of their parents. So, if you do not want your sons to treat their wives this way, or you don't want your daughters to be treated this way by their husbands, you need to be strong and leave your marriage now. Show them that a marriage without love and respect isn't a marriage and that relationships cannot survive if couples don't treat each other well.

One thing you said just leaped out at me - walking on eggshells. You might want to go to your local library and check out the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". If you see your relationship in that book, then you will be better prepared on how you want to proceed.

So sorry your husband is being a jerk to you. That must have you feeling so defeated all the time. Contrary to my profile, I am in Naperville too! Let me know if you want the names of some divorce attorneys…..

P.S.: I yell at my kids all the time. I still think I'm an awesome mom :-)

I'll be honest here, based on how he is treating you I'd even suspect there is someone else he is seeing. It stinks to hear this but based on experience, when a husband it this off-the-charts mean to you, it's because they are frustrated because they cannot balance all their s*%$. He sounds awful. If he sees nothing wrong, if he berates you constantly, if he is making YOU question your worth, he is not worth your time. Sadly people change and sometimes for the worse. Marriages are tough but it sounds like he refuses to do ANY work on his part to fix things. Contact a lawyer. You deserve better. Good luck and God bless.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I spent 10 years in a marriage that was unhealthy for a number of reasons. I stayed simply as I felt guilty that I had brought 2 children into it knowing it was unhealthy. I prayed for a few years for God to give me the answer and over those years it just got stronger - I HAD to leave for my health and happiness and I no longer wanted the kids to see such a 'marriage'. My kids are 7 and 4.

It is nearly a year since I moved. It's been a year and a half since I filed for divorce - it's still not over. My hopefully soon to be ex has been viscious - accusing me of crazy things and fighting me for sole custody. My oldest is on the autism spectrum and his dad has always been in denial of such........this has caused issues with the custody issues as well. We have gone to mediation (which he wouldn't agree on anything) and when that didn't work a Guardian ad Litem was assigned for the kids. It's been ugly and extremely stressful. However.........I do NOT in any way question my choice to leave him.

I gave you this information as I want you to know many divorces are not easy and some are extrememly painful for all involved however you need to decide what is best for you and the kids in the longrun. Best of luck to you!

You should leave him if doing so would make YOU happy. And to show your children that we don't have to put up with other people treating us badly.

But I hate to tell you this.. Realistically, divorce will not stop the fighting. He will continue to do everything he does now. And will probably bad mouth you to the children. Or even treat them poorly as you does now to you.

If you want to keep this marriage together, go to marriage counseling. if he refuses to go, go alone and also learn some skills for dealing with him and putting together a plan together to separate if that is where your heart is telling you to go. He is being unreasonable and sounds like a very unhappy person and he is setting a bad example for your kids. You would need to learn to deal with him sharing custody of your kids and that could be worse. Good luck