Please I Need Advise

I have a different perspective because I was diagnosed with cancer after the birth of my second child (the day before my son's 2nd birthday, and 2 days before my 33rd birthday.

Instincts are a funny thing. I would have thought I'd melt into a puddle of emotions. Instead, I was very resolute and determined to do everything I could to beat cancer. And, so far, it's worked. Interestingly, though, I really wasn't as afraid of dying as I was of not being able to be my children's mother. I wanted to be a mother, and I don't want to leave this world before I'm finished teaching them what they need to be independent, individual members of society.

We can't control much in our lives. But, we can choose to be present in our lives and the lives of our families. Anything could happen any day to turn our worlds upside-down. Make the moments you do have count.

I can't tell you not to worry or to turn your anxieties into something more positive - we've all been there. If you have the love in your heart for another child, talk it through with your husband and make the decision that is best for your family.

Best wishes.

Wow, I can relate to this because I am so easily traumatized by the things that I perceive as terrible in the world. I strongly recommend that you seek couseling with someone who can give you some coping mechanisms, something that can help you to remain calm. Don't feel guilty if you require something other than church counseling. People think that they are calming you by stating that God is in control. I found that statement to be no comfort at all to me, so I needed something different. That's not right or wrong; it just is what it is, and you have to focus on your immediate health, so you can be your best self right now. Maybe you can research Valerian and determine if that is something that might help you to knock that edge off at first. You'll need to stop it once you commit to getting pregnant.

Do some serious soul-searching. Figure out just what you believe about spirituality and purpose, etc. This might help you to come to grips with not being in full control of everything that affects you and your family. This is not atypical, and you should not feel like some crazy person. Think of this very uncomfortable period of your life as a time to question everything around you and to seek some answers. Talk it out, with your friends, into your mirror; things seem to become clearer when you hear them aloud. You don't always need a rsponse from another person.

Unfortunately, another person cannot give you the peace that you need. It's up to your hard work. I do wish you the best on this part of your journey.

j

Through God, all things are possible. He never gives us a challenge we can't handle, so breathe easy, my dear. :) Trust that everything will be ok. We can't know the future, so we just need to sit back and enjoy the present. :)

It sounds like you're having anxiety over this issue, so I would suggest telling your doctor about this. With my third pregnancy I had horrible anxiety attacks with feelings like you've described. Talk with your doctor about it, there may be something you can do to relieve these dark worries. Don't worry, all will be well. :)

Why are you stressing yourself out so much? You cannot predict the future and your anxiety and worry will be picked up by your daughterand possibly consume her and her life. Do you want her to end up being a anxiety ridden worried person? Why don't you focus on all of the positive stuff in your life and life in general? Being positive and focusing on the positive in every situation will be healthier for you and a better trait to pass on to your daughter. Try to remember that on one is perfect, no one can control every issue in life and it is better to be happy and positive than depressed and unhappy.
V.

The only thing you can do is have faith that things will be as wonderful as they were for your first daughter. I am a firm beleiver that things happen for a reason and that God will not give you more than you can handle (even if at the moment it seems to be too much!).

other wise, maybe try counciling. I know that talking to a third party can give you a different, well needed perspective on things.

Everything will be fine. Best of luck!

I will start out by saying Relax :) everything will be fine! I was terrified when I was pregnant with our second child which didn't give me much time to enjoy the pregnancy at all. Don't make that same mistake it did! Don't think about the "what if's". Focus on positive things, like the joy and excitment of being pregnant. I am sure your baby will be just fine. Your daughter will love being a big sister. Good luck : ).

Okay, breathe.....I think that you need to talk to your doctor about your anxiety. But it also sounds like you want another child. There are tests to determine how the baby is doing and choices that can be made, or prepared for. Disabilities are always scary, but don't let your fears get in the way of what you want. With the family history, I would think that they may run extra tests, just to make sure. You can never be 100% sure of anything, but just picture your complete family, and that sibling that your daughter will have to lean on in the distant future when she does have to face some difficult decisions when you do go naturally.

I've been feeling the same way! I have a different situation as you but my sister was tragically killed about two years ago and then six months later I had a miscarriage. Now I'm pregnant with #5 and I've been scared to death with similiar thoughts. Not only of me dying but my family members or something being wrong with my baby. I'm about to deliver in a month and I'm still fearful. I was afraid that anxiety would hurt my pregnancy so I would pray when I'd feel fearful and then change my thoughts to something positive. I'd be cheerful even if I was fearful. Eventually, it helped. I did get counseling after my tragedies so I was able to work through my fears but they came back when I got pregnant. I just kept working on them. When I'm afraid, I gave it to God and then tried to change my thoughts and discipline my mind. I'd get counseling if you're still struggling...I'll pray for you!! Good luck!!

Hi A., I totally know what you're talking about. I have those same kinds of thoughts almost every day. I worry about what if my baby (who's healthy now) gets into some sort of accident or is diagnosed later with autism or some other disorder. I worry what if my husband dies early from cancer or gets into a car wreck and I'm a single mother. What if something happens to me and my baby is left without a mommy??? I'm always been kind of a hypochondriac but it's gone into overdrive since having my baby. I love him so much, I can't believe how fragile life is. It's gotten to a point where I can't read the news anymore. Having said that, I don't think this is normal! I'm like this because I've been the primary caretaker for my mom and sis for years now and know firsthand how hard life can get and how sad life is for people who are non-functional/at a disadvantage. I'm scared that something will happen to my baby and am scared to have another baby b/c I feel like this increases the odds of something going wrong! I'm planning on bringing this up with my therapist though because I really don't think it's healthy. Life IS fragile but in order to function properly, you have to have some sense of invincability. If not, you'll be paralyzed with fear and lose out on living your life the way that you should. So I would recommend seeking counseling for what you're going through. Just want you to know though that you're not alone! I totally get what you're saying but we have to be strong and optimistic for our babies :) Best of luck!

God is in control. Focus more on your blessings than what could potentially be a burden. Every child is a gift. They're all different & beautiful & special (disabilities or not).

A.,
It is normal to worry. I worried about my babies during each of pregnancies. During those times of worry and feelings of anxiety I prayed and discussed some of my concerns with my husband and that always helped to bring me peace. I believe the Lord only gives us those challenges that we can handle. My husband and I have been blessed with five healthy children. Something else that helped to alleviate my worries was to do everything in my power to make sure that my babies were healthy. I ate right, took my vitamins, and exercised. I felt that even if something unforeseeable and tragic happened I would know that at least I had done everything I could do. I hope this helps. Children are a blessing!

well first of all no one on here can tell you everything is going to go perferctly and all that, b/c it might not. But as the mother of a child with disabilities I can tell you it will be ok. Its just a different definition of ok. It sounds to me like you are having some anxiety issues, which we all have from time to time but they seem to be comsuming you a little more than usual. It might be something you should talk to your dr about. The one thing I can reassure you about is that having a child with a disablity isn't the end of the world, yes its hard and yes there were times i have wished it wasn't me. But don't we all do that at 3 am when the baby is sick or crying? Talk to you relavites that have the familly with diablities I'll bet they wouldn't change it b/c that would change the person they love.
hth

With all the medical information around now and the help with the problems that come up, I would not worry. Your family Dr. your church and your family/ husband are all the help that you need. You and any other children that you have will be fine, just take care of yourself and your family they best that you can and believe that all is right. The blessing of a second child is a wonderful thing, true you will not get sleep for awhile after the birth but all is worth it in the end. YOU WILL BE FINE AND BOTH WILL BE HEALTHY, GOD BLESS.

Everything will be just fine if you put your faith and trust in God. Give Him all your worries and He will take them from you so that you can be free. Just start praying and believe - everything will fall into place.

I was having a hard time reading through your email to decide what is it that you are truly scared about. It sounds like the boys in the family may have a gene that causes these issues - something to worry about. I have a friend that had the same issues - she and her husband went to fertilitiy doctors to ensure that she only got pregnant with a girl and it worked. All her fears and worries went away....this was about 15 years ago now.
You do need to discuss with your husband your financial status - a second child will add that level of stress and you need to be prepared for it. Will you continue to work? Day care for 2 is outrageous but if you can do it then go for it.
Definately alot to think about. Make a list and discuss each item with your husband - don't worry yourself sick, it's not worth it....you have a beautiful little girl who needs you.
As far as dying - well, only the Lord knows our expiration date so just keep living and enjoy life and the loved ones around you. Besides, if you are a true Christian, you have a much better place to look forward to so there is no need to be scared.
I hope this helps.
M.

It seems so easy to say God will decide if you have a healthy child or not. And also He will decide if you can handle a child with disabilities. So since you have heard all that before, I will tell you my story.
Married late in life, had my last child at age 37. Had everything happen in that pregnancy-early spotting, bedrest for 2 weeks,stung by wasp, scorpion and then got pre-eclampsia!! Went in for a bad 4 day headache and was taken by ambulance to the hospital!! All this at 27 weeks pg!! My daughter weighed 2 lbs and spent 72 days in NICU in a town an hour from my home. She is now 14 and has no problems at all except being a teenager!! lol
I had this incredible sense of peace the whole time she was in the hospital because she was on every prayer list in our small town!!
It is human nature to worry even tho we know God has set the plans for us. Have you thought about some of your fears being due to hormones? I remember thinking while pg with my 1st child all the what if's-car wrecks, illness, etc. I didn't have those with my 2nd pg.
So, it's cliche, but relax and let God take over! Hope this helps.

A wise piece of advice I have been given and would like to pass on to you" There is no need to waste time worrying. What we worry about is rarely what happens. Misfortunes come out of left field.
Keep praying. Everything will be OK. :-)

You are not alone. I went through what you explain after I had a pregnancy gone wrong. I went on to have a second child, after that pregnancy, but the anxiety never stopped. I stressed and worried throughout my entire pregnancy with my second. I had never in my life had depression or anxiety so I found this to be very strange and I felt weak and embarrassed. I am now on a very low dose of anti-anxiety medication which has helped me tremendously. Once you become a mother, life means SOOOOOO much more! I think what you are feeling is normal but when it affects your daily life (where you are worrying too much) it can become a bit of a problem...like it did me. Now, since you want to have another baby, you cannot take medication but it sounds like you have a connection with God. Try your hardest to focus on the positive and continue to pray. Hopefully you will find peace in that, long enough to have another baby. Just remember, the chances of something going wrong are possible but highly unlikely. It will be okay. Surround yourself with positive people. Good luck with your next pregnancy and enjoy that daughter of yours.

You can't live your life constantly worried about negative things. It is not healthy for you and it is definately not healthy for your babies.

Just remember, God will not give you anything you can't handle. Take all of your worries and stress and hand it over to him. That is what he does best. Once you completely surrender to him, he will be able to take care of everything for you.

So today when you find some quiet time, give all your stress to Him. ITS ALL IN GOD'S HANDS. Then get up and start LIVING!!

We will all die one day, so take the time you have and live it up!! Make memories with your babies! Make more babies!!

Remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away!

All you really can do is like you said you did with your daughter is pray. Leave it in God's hands and trust that he will not give you anything that you can't handle with his help. I believ that you are a strong woman, you have already done this once, you can handle it. Good luck with everything an God bless your family.

You just have a lot of anxiety. I am the same way. I have put my trust in the man upstairs, and prayed for the best.

I got pregnant at 35, and I started to worry about having a baby with Down Syndrome. If I was, that will be ok. I've worked with children that were disabled for 14 yrs., and I was at ease, knowing I had the experience.

Thank God, I had a healthy boy!!

A., I understand your concerns. However, if you look back at your first pregnancy you and your child are fine. You do not mention if you have any health issues so I am going to think that that your are fine in this regard too. It sounds like you have a good support system in your husband as well. I think it is important to concentrate on those things and to trust God for this next child. Focus on the positive and on God because worrying about something that does not exist will drive you crazy. You cannot control what will happen in the future but you cannot live your life in fear. From experience I can tell you that fear paralyzes, robs your joy, and keeps you from all that God has for you. I said a prayer for you today! Take care and God bless!

How do you plan to teach your daughter about how to deal with the bad things in life? That is what you need to tell yourself. I know people who have had horrible tragedies in their life but are the happiest most content people in the world. I also know people who are whiny, depressed, angry, unforgiving, etc. It is a choice. Yes, bad things will happen to you. It may happen to one of your family members, it may happen to you, it may be a financial thing, it may be a health thing. Every bad thing that has happened to us has made our faith stronger because we have seen God's provision and faithfulness. I don't look forward to more tragedies in my life, but I have peace knowing that the same God who has been there to help me through in the past, will continue to be there in the future. He will do the same for you. He is faithful. Be sure to read your Bible to be reminded of all of His promises.

I am concerned about you. I feel you need to see a therapist. It is ok to have some fears and concerns, but you seem to be going through some realizations about how traumatized you have been by your uncle and others with "disabilities".

None of us knows how our lives, and our loved ones lives will end up, but we do not let it affect our daily lives.

You need to be at your best, emotionally, mentally and physically. Becoming a mom makes us see everything very clearly, but you do not want to pass these fears on to your child or have it effect her own thoughts.

I am excited about the thought of you wanting to give your child a sibling, but make sure YOU are really ready and healthy on all levels.
I am sending you peace and strength.

A. S,

When you were pregnant with your child, you prayed to God. That is your answer. It might seem too simple, but that is the answer to all problems. God will give you the strength to do what is needed. He is the only thing that can help you conquer your fears. If you ask in faith, He will grant your wishes. God bless you and your family.

Hello A., I can understand where you are coming from. I went through the same thing with my T. pregnancies. I have had a total of three pregnancies and my first was a miscarriage. I never enjoyed my pregnancies to the fullest. I was always worried and had a lot of " what ifs." You can take precautions like start taking your vitamins now including your folic acid. Pray there is nothing better than prayer. God will listen and always remember that God gives us only what we can handle.......nothing more.

The best of luck,
Elisa M

What you are feeling we all feel. All I think about is dying too and I was never like that until I had my son and he is 10 years old now. Death consumes my every thought and I hate it. My husband tells me I am going to end up having something horrible happen because that is the energy I bring to my self. My husbands brother has 4 kids and the 3rd. child has down syndrome. All the other kids are perfectly healthy. We decided not to have any more kids and got a vasectomy. We have often thought of reversing it even making an appointment but cancelled it because of the fear of not having a healthy child. I think why be so greedy I have an awesome son whom we get to give all of our divided attention to only him, go on fun vacations, so why risk it when really we do have a good thing. Although its good to take risks some are not always worth it in the end. Babies are always so sweet and cute, and that is the idea we fall in love with is the little baby. It is alot of work. My friend had a baby in January and he does not sleep at night at all, the parents and siblings are all miserable from lack of sleep,I do not miss that. It is a big decision. I hope this helps!

When I find myself worrying more than I know I should, I look up and read a quote someone once sent me that really helps.

"Worrying is like praying for things you don't want".

In other words, having all that negative energy will only attract more negative energy and you may find yourself fulfilling your own prophecies. So what you want is to "try" to keep as much positive energy around you that you can. So you can attract even more positive energy. See how wonderful the universe can work?

babies are precious gift from God. Just always pray to God always and trust Him in everything.