I have a 9 year old son and a 2 year old daughter. My son has been such a sweet little boy growing up, but recently he has been horrible. He has been back taking me, not listening to me at all. He has had an attitude towards me for weeks now. I ask him if he is alright or if anything is bothering him and he says he is fine and nothing is bothering him. I try to encourage my son to talk to me if something is wrong, even though I am his mother :) I tell him that nothing can get fixed unless someone knows what is bothering him. He still says nothing is bothering him. Maybe nothing is, but I just don't see how he can go from being such a sweet, little, loving boy to someone who seems like he doesn't want to be around me.
His dad and I split up when he is 2, but he still sees him on a regular basis. He does have a step-father that has been in his life since he was 4. I ask him if he his happy with his step-dad and he says yes. His step-dad coaches his soccer team, takes him hunting and fishing, helps him with his homework, etc... He treats him as if he was his own son, so I do not think that is the problem.
My son loves going to see his dad because he gets away with anything over there. He gets to stay up as late as he wants, gets to play video games all day, he doesn't have to display any kind of manners, etc... Lately he has wanted to spend more and more time over there. I know why. He has no rules there. He has a set of rules and chores that he needs to follow at our house. We are trying to teach him responsibility. I try to explain to him why he needs to learn responsibility and manners, but he doesn't seem to care. We try to teach him good morals and values at our house, but it seems when he comes back from a weekend at his dad's that all of that disappears and we have to start all over again. I talk to his dad about this and basically his dad only gets to see him a few times a month, do he wants to be more of a buddy to him, that a good role model.
I am worried that when he turns 13, and can choose where he wants to live, that he will choose his dad's for obvious reasons. His dad and I live almost 2 hours away from each other, so it's not like we are in the same school district or same state for that matter.
Has anyone went through a similar situation with a boy around this age. Do you have any suggestions on how to still encourage them to learn responsibility and manners, but maybe do it in a fun way. Also, has anyone went through a similar situation with an ex and the child wanting to be there more since they get away with everything. I definitely do not want my son choosing to live with his dad. I know that his father will not force him to do his homework and will not encourage my son to do well in school and go to college.
The one thing that I think will keep my son here is his little sister. He absolutely loves his little sister (she is 2) We have problems though with some of my son's bad habits because she, of course, looks up to her older brother and wants to be just like him, so she is picking up on some of his bad habits.
Maybe my son is going through some changes.. Do they go through changes as early as 9... He will be 10 next month? Oh someone please help me! I want my son to be happy. It is really hard watching him get older and more distant.
Myabe you should take him to see a psychologist. I recommend Dr. Cory Bank at the abington center for therapy and sports psychology. www.abingtonpsychology.com.
There's good news and bad news. The good news is, it's normal. The bad news is, it stinks! LOL Welcome to the new and wonderful world of pre-teens! There will be absolutely no visible reason why your son will act and talk the way he does to you. And remember, Mom will get the crappy attitude before any male figure in his life because Moms are women. We're "weaker" than men, no matter how much we yell and make their lives hell. They're becoming men, so they think and we're just moms, women. We're the first because we're the easier ones to them to start to overcome. They think they're older, too big for their britches, as the saying goes. The hormones, the "whatever", the eye rolling... it's all there and it only gets worse with age. There is no underlying reason, like Dad is gone, that he has a step father, that Dad is easier on him. Nope. All hormones. Sometimes they come on slowly. Other times it seems over night there's a stranger in your house, and he's your son!
It's hardest on the first stages because it's all new for you and him. As he gets older and you've been dealing with him and his fun fest you'll be able to figure out how to handle easier. In the beginning, sit him down. Let him know that you realize that he's getting older. Things are changing cuz he's changing. He may not realize it, or he may think he's 16 or 21 when he's 9. Either way, when you're talking to him, demand respect if he starts giving attitude about just the fact that you're talking or anything about what you're saying. Let him know that as he's changing, so will the rules and so will the expectations. You will need to firmly get on him immediately when he misbehaves, doesn't follow rules, disrespects, etc. This is a test period for him. He is going to feel that he's older and should do more and act out as he pleases since that's what older kids and adults do. He needs to be put in his place immediately when he tests and pushes and reeled right back in. He is 9. He will act 9. Lay out the rules and expectations. No big discussions. Short, sweet and to the point. Then lay out disciplines for breaking those rules. He will do everything he can to fight you on your discipline. Do not engage in discussion. "You were told to take out the garbage. You refused to do it. You are not to leave the house for the rest of the day." or "You are not to play on your game system for the rest of the day." Whatever it is that is a punishment to him. If he balks at what you have to say, repeat yourself. Then ask him if he'd like two days. He still balks, immediately give him two days and walk away.
My son is 14. His latest is "You expect me to do it this very second?" Um, yes! You were told to do something. You do it. Not on your time, but on my time. You have no rights in this house. You only earn privileges. YOu don't earn them, you don't get them. You earn them, you get them and enjoy yourself. Welcome to the real world!
Writing down a daily chore list will help there be no misunderstandings on what's expected. That's the other thing that kids try to do. "I thought you meant just clean the sink, not the toilet too" or "You said clean my room. I didn't know you wanted me to vacuum my rug too." even though he's been expected to do that for the last 8 years! LOL So writing down a daily chore list, and details for some of the chores can be very helpful. You can ask for his input in creating the list. I let my son know what chores he'll be doing for the week but I'll let him decide on what days to do them. He likes Monday and Friday to be lighter days so he'll put smaller chores on those days. I try to keep his weekends open and on Saturdays he mows and Sundays takes garbage to the road. But every day he has to take recyclables out to the bin and check and take out garbage. Obviously pick up after himself as well is a daily thing and I add those on the side of the chart so it's not on every single day so it doesn't look worse than it is. He picked his laundry day. Dad now has him unloading the dishwasher every day. If he does his chores every day he can have some pocket money at the end of the week. I hate calling it allowance but that's what it is, lol.
Have a sit down now. Lay out things. Let him know you understand he's going through changes even if he doesn't realize it. And Dad needs to have a sit down with him as well about puberty. That's a necessity by someone. And let Dad know what's going on at your house and suggest he try to carry over some of that at his house so that your son knows your both on the same page and when he transitions from one house to another it'll be easier. Be sure to praise him for the good things he does. "Thanks for getting your chores done today. I appreciate the teamwork!" He will probably roll his eyes and mutter "whatever" but just smile and walk away. Pick your battles. That's the hard part, lol.
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
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I think that your son is going through puberty even if there are no obvious signs on his body yet. I think that the change in hormones and the age play a role in attitude. I am sorry to hear that his dad does not want to play the role of the father. He is doing a diservice to him by trying to play the role of the buddy. He wants to do what he wants that is why he wants to hang with his Dad. If he does live with his Dad then his Dad will have to set gorund rules and I am sure you son will not like this. These are things that you need to talk to his dad about. I think that is important that he have a set of rules when his son comes to visit. Stick to your guns and tell him there are consequences when he does not listen. Tell him he is a big brother and he needs to be a good role model to his little sister. Ask him does he think he is acting nicely when he does back talk you and does he think his sister should act this way? Good luck.
Welcome to the preteen's! I have a 9 year old daughter that is the same way. I am a single mom and she doesn't see her dad but 2-3 times a year. Its normal and they will grow out of it. Keep your ground though. AS for living with dad, I don't think he will. He wouldn't like it except for about teh first few weeks.
Good Luck.
We've been dealing with a major attitude in our oldest daughter now for close to a year, and she's only 8. Her dad and I have been married for close to 10 years, so there's no suggestion of it being related to dealing with that. I think it's just a phase they're going through--the "tweens". She's a mouthy little thing, very defiant, drags her feet doing anything she's asked to do, even to the point of us getting phone calls from the school that she's refusing to do school work/class participation. Honestly--I think it's just a phase. I hope so, anyway.
my son is 11 and is starting to come out of this same behavior. i think 9/10 is just another adjustment period. i remember having so many adjustment periods when he was little (before 5) then it leveled off when he was 6 or 7 and he was this really sweet boy until 9... then this new found attitude just started out of nowhere. i got a grip on that with trying to be consistant and still using time out. if he talked back i told him that unacceptable go sit on the step (and he'd sit there for 9/10 minutes like when he was little again)...
i also suggest to just keep talking to him and don't push to much to find out why. try you hardest to take an interest in what he's interested in... for my son it was legos. some nights i put the baby to bed and just sit in his room while he built things, i would ask questions about the legos and just let him know in a subtle way that i was there if he wanted to talk, i found out a lot that way... i found he would confide i me in little bits and pieces at a time and it wasn't just one thing that bothered him, it was a bunch of little things... you'll see if you try this. and really he just needed to vent to someone or ask why about something and he didn't feel comfortable doing it. i think creating that comfortable setting helped. he really has calmed down and at the time i remember thinking "what am i going to do" much like you are now...
i'm in much of the same situation that you are in. my son is 11 my little guy is going to be 2 and i've been broken up with my first son's father since my son was 2 and my husband and i have been together since my son was 6 and my husband coaches a basketball team and takes him fishing and camping... at his dads tho he has a bit more structure thanks to his wonderful step mom. he does however get to play video games as much as he wants, which drives me NUTZ :-)... it must also be hard on him to travel so far to see his dad. has that come up?
Good luck to you.
S.
It's called being a preteen, he doesn't even know why he is acting that way...it will subside, but not for a year or two. My son, now 12, is out of it, but it was a pain for those 2 years. Be tough and stand your ground.
The comment that does concern me is the one where you said he can choose where he wants to live at age 13. Ummm, really? I can't believe a 13 year can choose that. I wouldn't even plant that in his brain. I have seen kids who move back and forth because the parent's believe the children should choose. (I am a child therapist). Be the parent and make the decision for him. We know what's best for our kids, especially at age 13, they have to be reminded to brush their teeth for God's Sake! Good luck.
Hi J.--
A lot of the moms gave you some great advice. Kids tend to cycle in and out of different behaviors as they reach certain developmental stages, and having a blended family and nearing puberty only makes things even more complicated! Both the kids and the parents start feeling like they don't know why things are the way they are, which makes it hard to figure out how to address it. If things don't get better after putting some of the other advice into practice, I'd recommend finding a family therapist to work with the family around how to find some good solutions to the behavior issues and the co-parenting issues you presented. There is a great therapist locator tool on the AAMFT's website: www.therapistlocator.net. At 11, he's still young enough to benefit from someone trained in play therapy.
Good luck!
WOW! I feel for you so much! Thank God he loves his step dad. He also loves you very much and this rocky road at this age is normal. You have to continue to be yourself and do everything that is best for him. His step dad should continue to be a strong positive force for him and give him valuable fun experiences whenever he can-bravo to him for doing that now. You can't really change his dad's behavior, and you are right to have all of your concerns.
If I were you, I would start being really open and honest with your son over the next couple of years. 9 year olds can be very mature, and he sounds like he is with this independent "pissed off at mom" streak.
Rather than his possible leaving being the painful elephant in the room, you may fit in to some conversations with him that you love him more than anything in the world, and you know he's getting older and ready to make his own decisions. You realize he may choose to go be with his dad, and it breaks your heart because you love him so much and you want him to stay, but you have to be the best mom you can for him right now no matter what will happen. That means fun and rules.
Try to fit the comments into activities, such as, when you're out hiking or something, and you're having a wonderful time, tell him that times like these make you so happy and you love spending time with him. You wish he could stay young forever, you love being his mom etc. This may be enough without actually saying he may choose to leave. Just don't miss the opportunites to make it known how you feel about him. Also, the best way to "force" openness is not to try, but to present the opportunities to unfold themselves during time doing other things together. So he doesn't feel forced into conversations.
Continue to encourage your husband to be the best he can be as well. He sounds great. Have some talks with his dad about how it is important to you that he does have rules and boundaries in the event he becomes the primary care giver. It may sink in a little., There is nothing you can really do about him.
You probably aren't doing anything to make your son angry. But JUST IN CASE...Maybe you could have your husband do a little man to man prying while they're together. Like, "Hey, I notice you're getting a little stressed out around mom, you can tell me, what's the matter?" type thing. He may hear a useful kernel of wisdom or two to tell you. When I was that age, I had major issues with my mom, and no one to talk to. Finally our family got therapy and I mentioned them to my therapist. To my horror, he told her-but miraculously, she changed some of the behaviors and really did want to help, when I thought she'd just be furious. Maybe your husband could find something helpful for you in bonding with your son. At other times he must explain to your son that he must respect you, and that it's his job to enforce that respect in the house.
It really sucks to be in competition with "good time dad" it's a tragic situation so much these days-my friend's sons all live with their rocking stoner dad and are all rocking stoners themselves and she had big dreams for them. Kids just want to have fun, and they don't always appreciate your efforts. I really pray that your son's love for you will keep him with you, and that no matter what happens, the outcome is good for everyone. Increase your good times and closeness, don't come down real hard on him for stuff, but do maintain rules and boundaries and have your husband stick up for you as well. Try not to be afraid of him not liking you and going with his dad. He's got a lot of reasons to stay. Live your time to the fullest! It will sink in with him.
I agree, Karen had great advice. I would only like to say that while he might enjoy Dad's loosey-goosey parenting style for a weekend, he would hate it long term. Kids need rules and discipline and the evidence of that is that he is pushing your buttons when he comes home to make sure that those rules and expectations are still there. It is a terrifying thing to at 9 years old feel responsible for all your actions--what to eat, when to go to bed, etc. He's not ready for it, and he knows it. So, if he does decide to go to your ex's (and in 4 years he'll have probably already figured this out himself), he won't be there long. So don't worry about that.
At 9, he's ready for a bit more (not total) responsibility and resulting privileges. Sometime when things are calm, sit down and ask him what privilege he might be interested in and what responsibility he might like to take on for it. Putting him in charge of something (filling the dog's bowl, taking out the trash, whatever) will make him feel proud and in control (of himself). Also, if you don't have a pet and that is something that he's interested in, now might be a good time to get one. Who wants to go live with dad when Rover lives with mom? :-)
Hi J.,
You know the reason that your son is angry. You noted it in your request.
Now how to get on the same page with your ex-husband, that is the question.
There is a family group decision making conference that helps families who are struggling.
Call and see if this is something you and your ex-husband can work through to help your son.
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hope this helps. D.
