Hi Diane,
I share your pain..............my 22 yr old step-daughter is finally coming out her "darkest days", as we call them. It took 9 years of survival, though. The only thing that thankfully didn't happen.....was a baby.
Throughout my years as a stepmom, I have learned that every situation is totally different than the others. The only real thing in common are the emotions that the stepmoms go through. This i can relate to. I am not offering you any advice, but i will briefly share my experiences with you as a comfort to say that "you are not alone, simply do what is right in your heart."
I have been a step-mother for 14 years, and have honestly been through it as any other stepmom can say. The positive side to my story, though, is that today....after many years, I am respected and loved by my stepkids. So, throughout all the arguments and tears, something must've worked.
You didn't mention her mother in your posting. Perhaps you are the only mother-figure in her life? Well, this can be a very good thing in your favor, and at the same time, she can hold resentment toward you because you are NOT her real mother and that you must love your "real son" more than her, so what does she care if you like her life or not? Oh boy, I can only hear it!
We did the brave thing with our daughter.....we told her that due to actions and behavior, she was not a good example to the other kids in the house. She was asked to leave :o( It was absolutely the hardest thing we ever had to do. But honestly, we had a 2 yr old in the house at the time, and wanted him to love his sissy, not resent her.
You are the "world's worst parents" anyway....so you can expect the same words from her if you choose to have her leave. You can say somthing like, "Honey, this isn't working out for any of us. You are so unhappy in our home, and we are so sad that we cannot make you happy. You are an adult that has your own ideas on how your life should be. We are obviously holding you back. It's time for you to be on your own to live your life the way you would like to".
When it came to the finances, we continued to pay for her Car Ins. and cell phone for about 4-5 months, but gave her plenty of warning before we would stop paying. We tried to allow her time to "figure it out", but she never did. The car ins lapsed and her cell was shut off, which meant we had no way of contacting her (very scary). But, with the grace of God, we "held on" knowing that what we were doing was best for all, especially her (at least that's what we tried to believe).
You need to know that things got way worse before they began to get better. And, I mean WAAAAAAYYYY worse. Things that you don't even want to know, and things that I'd like to forget. Again I say, thankfully she didn't get pregnant!
She will be 23 this February, and is approaching an 8 month period of time where she has been "welcome" around our house. They LOVE to see their Sissy (thank goodness), and i feel like we did them a "service" by protecting from her temporary troubles. She goes the "extra mile", and is definitely earning back our trust. Our hearts are pretty protected. Actually, my husbands' heart is wide open at this point. He just wants his little girl to "come back to him" like he remembered her. He lets me do most of the talking now, because he knows he'll "mess it all up". We don't want to go backwards.
She hasn't asked us for any money in awhile, and when she did, it was in the form of grocery gift cards, and gas cards. We needed to make sure she was using the $$$$ to live on and not anything else.
You are going to have a baby involved. You will feel compelled to make certain that her baby, your grandchild, will have everything it needs. I hope she starts off with medical ins, because having a child is a medical expense.
Your step-daughter will begin to grow up soon. Everything is and will always be ABOUT HER for awhile longer. Afterall, nobedy else has ever had a baby, right? :o)
The other moms and I will be here for you, if you need it.
Good Luck, Diane. May The Force be with you, your strength and your emotions.
~N.