7 Year Old's Behavior & Attitude

Hi K.,
I went through similar problems with my nephews and neice, I had had the oldest since he was 9 days old. When they would go home to my sister's house (their mom) they had free range, they could watch anything they wanted, eat whatever she had in the house, etc. When they would come back home, then they would have difficulties getting back in the groove of my house and my rules. I just had to remind them that we all love them but we have different rules at my house then what they have at their moms house. A few years there, I felt like a broken record. The two younger kids are in high school, the oldest is now 20 yrs old. Anyways, it has not been easy being the second parent... I get the phone calls from the schools when something goes wrong, their mom gets the calls when everything is fine and dandy. My husband says that its because the schools know that their mom is not consistant and never follows through with anything unless it is something fun for her. When they are sick, need to talk, or need moral support, they call me... When they just need a ride to the mall, or a friend's house they call their mom...
I wouldn't give it up for anything. I am so blessed to have all five of my kids in my life, even when it isn't fun...
My youngest nephew was 10 when my daughter was born. There was a lot of jelousy at first, but they do grow out of it if you make sure you treat them as individuals. All 5 of my kids hate cleaning, even when I try to make it fun... The boys, now 20, 15, and 3 still have desasters of their bedrooms. My girls, almost 17 and 5 1/2 are a little neater, but not much. Your 7 year old's behavior when it comes to cleaning is very typical, and eventually they grow out of it - I hope.
I haven't really had problems with the older kids hitting or hurting the younger ones... Though they now complain that it's not fair that the younger ones are get all the attention... Basically from them...
The behavior your 7 yr old is displaying towards his half siblings could be caused from jelousy, resentment, regret... Maybe he is jelous because they live with you full time and he feels like the outsider?
All I can suggest it to make sure he feels like part of the family, siblings fight, you might have to remind him how much older and bigger he is then the younger siblings. Tell him how excited they get when they know he is coming over, and how it hurts them when he hits them. Try to build empathy with him. You might have to resort to getting him to walk in their shoes for a little while. Ask him how he would feel if all he wanted was their attention and all he gets from them is mean words and hits...

I hope this helps, even just a little.
T. C

I also have a 7yr old in a similar situation expect that he visits his father and his wife. Again, no chores, no discipline and he gets everything he wants the entire time he is at their home. He also comes home moody, mouthy and refuses to do his chores because his dad doesn't make him do anything and he plays video games and watches TV all day.We spend a lot of time outdoors and I have him involved with several activities to keep him busy.We also have a 3yr old son who he is unkind to after returning home. He is usually very sweet and caring and dosen't like ot hurt people's feelings.
I think it's very hard for children at this age to have two homes disrupting their routine every other week. Patience is the key and knowing that it will get better. Just reassure him and stick to your guns. We've had to ground my son from video games and TV which I never thought I'd have to do with him. I use a reward system and give allowance ONLY when he completes his chores. He is required to do one chore a day like garbage, dusting,dishes etc. He is given 7 dollars at the end of the week if he completes ALL chores. The reward and positive reinforcement is the only thing that seems to work right now. It seems his attitude is somehwat caused my his insecurity with himself and his place in each family. Always make sure he knows how much he is loved and just talk to him. Ask questions and compromise when you find yourselves in a tough situation. Try to involve your son in after school actvities or even just have family bike rides, walks or play at the park. I take my oldest son on date night once a week for some alone time. He looks forward to Thursday night every week and it makes him feel special. My husband also takes both boys one night a week for boys' night out where they go swimming, play ball, rock climb or something that gets them out of the house. Find something he is interested in outside of the home and support it 100%. Good Luck!!

I was going to tell you this is normal behavior, but the suddenness of the hitting has me concerned. Have you talked to his other mom about this? Perhaps it is something else happening at home or school. I would not bring up the television watching just now, but try to find another reason to rule that out. In fact, perhaps you should just ask him point-blank if anything is going on.

The only advice I have is that if you're going to talk about this at all with the other family, it should NOT be with you and the other mom. It should be your husband and his ex-wife. It is your husband and the biological mom's primary responsibility; having you express your concerns/frustration with her or her husband will likely lead to defensiveness on their part, which will not get you any closer to a good solution, just arguing.

I feel for you. My husband is a step parent and I seen him go through many struggles trying to raise my children. You are doing the right thing. Stay consistent and keep your parent power. He will try to run all over you just to see what he can accomplish and see how much steam is coming out of your ears. It is your house and your rules and he still needs to respect you and your husband should be on your side about that. As far as him being mean to the other kids explain him what a consequence is and give it to him if he does not listen. If he likes watching tv, then take it away. If he does something good in the house such as chore, praise him and let him watch tv, but not for a long period of time. Maybe, you are right about him being ignored if it is only the tv he is interested in. I bet if you ask him what his interests are and what he likes there is a lot on his mind and that will help you understand him better and maybe his activities because apparently someone at the other home doesn't acknowledge him but I bet his little mind has alot in there especially if talks back. Remember no matter what you are the parent, he is the child, but he will try to be your parent and makes the rules. As far as hitting, that sounds like aggression, he is angry about other things as well, but he might not be able to talk about it because no one as asked what is going on, and he needs help with that if it becomes severe. Try to sit down and talk with him about these things and you will be surprised how he appreciates your attention. B.