Please Help Me - Redmond, WA

Hi, Kat. You sound a bit lost. And I so understand that. If you are doubting yourself, give me a week and I'll tell you about my problems, mistakes, and regrets -- enough to make you feel normal. ;-) Let me assure you... You can make it through to the other side.

You referred several times to "it" or a "thing" in your post. Is there something specifically that you're struggling with? Can you specify what your concerned about? Many of us have questioned our parenting skills, our marriage, our jobs, our choices of all kinds. I want to support you if I can and want to make sure I'm giving you encouragement that makes sense.

You are not alone. No one has all the answers and none of us are perfect. We have all sinned and we are all on a continuous journey. We're here for you if you want someone to walk beside you. How can we help?

I know you posted this a while ago, but after I read it I immediately thought of "The Power of a Praying Wife". I am so glad to see you already have it and it's helpful!
I live in south Monroe. Let me know if you want to get together/talk more. I understand your frustrations -- I've lived them.
I am praying for you.
C.

For starters make a list of what "you" can change and how you want to change it. Then start making those changes. i.e. as little as rearranging the furniture to finding something you can do from home to generate income and reduce the financial stress.

Second if you have a home church call and talk to the secretary. They're the ones that know really what's going on. Ask for a referral to a Christian counselor who is a certified marriage & family therapist. If you can't get hubby to go, go on your own. Until you are happy with you & he is happy with himself you can't be happy together.

Third make a list of things you can do to get more connected to hubby. How can you show him you care in small ways that aren't so far outside your comfort zone. i.e. making his favorite meal, burning him a cd (.99 download at walmart.com), writing him a note and hiding it in his coat pocket to find later, sending him an email or e-card at work, etc.

It's really hard as parents of young children to stay connected as adults. Kids demand so much attention & energy and are so draining some days.

I'll be praying for you it's not easy. Hubby and I have been talking recently about how disconnected we feel and how hard it is to stay connected when you've got kids hanging on you, sitting on you, climbing on you all hours of they day you sometimes just want to be left alone. And my kids are almost 5 & I remember at 3 y/o they were even more so. (please don't misunderstand me. I love them dearly and wouldn't trade anything for them but sometimes you just want to sit alone or go potty alone.)

C.-WAHM of ~5 y/o virtual twins
Owner: http://www.BeHappierAtHome.com

It looks like you have gotten some great advice. I can relate... not quite to the same extreme but I feel that marriage is a constant struggle. We didn't really even have a "honeymoon phase" just jumped right into things. One thing that keeps me going is knowing that he is the one that God gave me so I'm hanging on for that.
Book... I haven't finished it yet but I know it could really make a difference for you. Many couples in my church are reading it... its called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Subtitle: The love she most desires and the respect he deserately needs. If your hubby is willing to... read it aloud together. Men will check out on most books but he probably won't with this one. It launches in from the mens perspective which was really hard for me (sorta offending) but he was really cheering. If your ego can take it eventually it comes back around to his part from what I've heard. I want to finish it but haven't gotten around to it yet.
Another strong suggestion... there is a Christian program called Celebrate Recovery. There are chapters all over so hopefully there is one close to you. There is no charge. Go to www.celebraterecovery.com and go to "find a group" and see if there is one. My group (Maltby) has childcare. It is a safe place where you can talk freely and also learn skills to start "responding" rather than "reacting" to your world. Basically it is a 12-step program (like AA) but open to any "hurts, habits, and hang-ups".

I first want to say that you are not alone! You will find that many mothers are in the same boat. Many husband wife relationships are like this! Reading your story was like reading my own writing. We have no family in the area, we are down each others throats all the time, Sex; whats that!

Every time something new happens that is stressful we are at it again with fighting unhappy...It is like once we are finally happy again and not fighting or complaining something else happens.

Our most helpful solution to this has been date nights! We thrive off of date nights, MNO, Dad night outs. Special time for us! We also thrive off of leaving ourselves notes. We have a whiteboard in our hallway where we can write "love notes" scriptures, silly funny things...whatever to help make the other one feel better.

Also one thing that can help is to write down all that you do and try and figure out if there is anything that maybe just isn't all that important to do to lighten up your loads to feel less stressed! For instance (this may sound silly) but I use to organize all of our bills(paperwork) in a crazy drawn out way. Now it just goes in a box all of the stuff I know I need to keep for years or what not gets tossed in a box I have found out that I almost never look back at the info so why file it all fancy! Just getting rid of little tasks around the house has relieved a lot of stress on us!

You will be in our prayers!

Here are your kind words. You are a good person. So is your husband and your daughter. You are doing the very best job that you can. And the job that you are trying to do is very hard. Bless you for doing it.

You should thank your husband everyday for what he is doing even if he isn't doing very much, because it will make him feel visible, just like you need to feel visible. That may be a beginning to becoming friends again.

I can only speak to you daughter's toilet training. She is probably feeling the stress of the marriage and holding it in her body. I would back off on the toilet training. I would buy some of those pull up training pants. Show her where you have put them in her drawer. Give her the choice to wear them or diapers. You might try doing it once a day, or you could do it as often as you feel comfortable. See what happens. Ask her what she wants to do. Big girl or little?

I send you my very best thoughts for strength and love. Your God will provide you and your family what you need. Blessings.

I don't really have too much advice for you other than counseling. It REALLY helps if you find the right person. Also, a lot of counselors have "sliding scales" so if you don't have much money, you can pay what you're able to. Also, insurance does cover many counseling services. Also, Gary Chapman's book, the Five Love Languages may really help you guys (http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html). It has really helped my husband and I. It could also help you to get to know each other better. Also, one of my friends and her husband read a book that gave all sorts of activities for easy reconnecting. It really helped them not only reconnect, but also get to know each other better. She said it was fun as the book has all sorts of journaling and other activities to do together. She really thought divorce was imminent and it really helped. I cannot find the book name, but I'm sure you can find something with a bit of help from a librarian or on the internet. I'll be thinking of you and trusting that it will get better.

I would suggest find a church group to join and become part of. This will help give you the support to need in your struggles. Life is a big struggle for all of us, no doubt about that!

When life gets to be too much for me, I head out to the Greek Orthodox monastery in Goldendale, Washington by myself. It helps me pray, focus on God, get a new perspective on things and come back sane. Find something like that that works for you.