So Tired of My Husband.

It's the baby thing, at least I keep telling myself that. My husband just took a walk. We have a 10 month old, and a 2.5 year old.

When there are sleepless nights, no one likes anyone.

Hi Kat,

So all you said was "I want to be able to sleep like a normal person for once" and he ignored you all night/weekend? That is insane and extremely immature. What strikes me the most odd from your post is that you have an 11 month old that wakes up 3 times every night. Holy cow! First, you need to fix this so you can finally get a good night's sleep! No baby should STILL be waking up 3 times a night at 11 months old! I have 3 kids, and I had a rule, which was, as soon as they turned 6 months, they were "on their own" for the night. At 6 months, I put them to bed and didn't go in their room until the next morning - even if they woke up crying in the middle of the night, I did NOT tend to them! At 6 months, they need to learn to self-soothe. 6 months is old enough for them to "make it through the night" on their own. You really need to "cut the cord" with your 11 month old at night. Once you do this, I think it will help your marriage (although giving you the silent treatment is so immature, it appears that your husband needs marriage/maturity lessons). So, here is what you need to do in order for your 11 month old to sleep through the night:
1) Make sure your baby's room is at a good temperature. Your baby might be waking up b/c he is too hot or too cold.
2) Make sure his room is pitch dark and very quiet.
3) Make sure his tummy is full. Feed him right before bed and if he is taking a bottle, get him to burp.
4) Put him to bed at 7:00. At 11 months, a 7:00 bedtime is appropriate. If you are putting him to bed later, it means he is not getting enough sleep. There is a phrase regarding babies and sleep, which is, "the more they sleep, the more they sleep." That is very true. If you are putting him to bed later in hopes he will sleep later in the morning, that is a myth. That will never happen. Trust me when I say he needs to go to bed at 7:00. And, you need to put him in his crib while he is AWAKE, so he can put himself to sleep. If you let him fall asleep on you and then put him in his crib, he will be afraid when he wakes during the night b/c he will be alone and won't know how to self soothe and put himself to sleep.

If he wakes up in the middle of the night crying, and you did everything I just told you to do, then IGNORE him!!!! It will be tough for the first couple of nights, but by the 3rd or 4th night, he won't/shouldn't wake up anymore!

So, my suggestion to you is to fix your son's bad sleep habits immediately and THEN work on your marriage. The most important thing is your sleep and your son's sleep, so first fix that. Once you are well rested, perhaps your marriage will improve a little. You and your husband will still probably need therapy, but just fix the sleep deprivation issue first. Do what I said - do #'s 1-4 and it will work! Let us know if it works (I'm sure it will)! Good luck!

Is this just your son or both of yours kid, because you keep on saying "my son".

I think you need to change your attitude and actions also. It sounds like the both of you might be all about yourselves.

It takes two of you, to not talk to each other. Why don't you be the bigger person here you are claiming to be and start talking to him!

Maybe it's time for some professional counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself. I'm hearing quite a bit of bitterness (unforgiving anger) here, and it may be the case on both sides. Bitterness is poison for you and for your baby. It would be good to get some outside assistance!

Been there, thought that. Fatigue plays with emotions and hurts are bigger. We are giving all the time and nothing is filling the void that seems to be growing. The crazy thing is that many times the man thinks that he is being displaced and just wants you to pay attention to him. So you have a house of needy, tired, dependent people and everyone wants to be taken care of. Something in women happens after childbirth and sometimes we forget to nurture our relationships with our husbands because we are tired and don't feel like giving anymore. We also view ourselves as more responsible, well, because in some ways we are. We really get that if we don't do our jobs the health and life of the child will be jeopardized. Men don't always feel that burden in the same way, but trust me they are really important, and we need to find ways that they can understand this without nagging them. Part of this might be by honoring them with attention (even though we think we should be on the receiving end) Find ways to connect, you may be surprised, that he may have some concern and compassion to give back.

Things to remember: 1. You won't be getting up too much longer that many times a night, unless you have a new baby. You might want to talk to somebody about why your 11mo. old is waking that often. Sleep helps A LOT. 2. Your husband is probably looking for some kind of indication that you still love him and desire him as a person (the same thing you are probably feeling deep down) Does it matter who goes first? Take a nap. Get a babysitter. Go out. Look at wedding photos together. Laugh. Tell him how exhausted you've been and that you want to have more left for him at the end of the day. Touch.
3. Realize that when we are at the end of our ropes there is only one source for comfort that will give us energy to keep going and that is not anyone on the outside. I cling to God and spend time praying and reading my Bible. There is something about giving burdens and fears about our husbands to the one who can do something about them, that is comforting. And I got to tell you God works better on the heart of a man, than my complaining to my husband ever has. I watch couples at our church sitting next to each other with their children, and know that for some it may be one of the few times they have in the week to sit still with each other. Plus its a time that we can know that we forgive each other and that God forgives us. Later we also noticed that if we skipped, our children showed really bad behavior. Think about it as together time, not wasted time.

For the sake of baby (and yourself), investing in your relationship is never wasted time.

.

Are you a beliver in God? If you are do you attend church? If so It would be helpful to talk with your pastor or some of the other wemon in church. If you want to try to make it work you can get some positive encouragement. I know how helpfut that is from first hand experience. I also know that the answers from worldly people are going to be more negative and some may even encourage you to leave. Pray about your decision first lean on God and He will direct you. I have been married 7 1/2 years. The first whole year was living hell, the next 2 were rockey then it started getting better. We both of us were and still are belivers but it took awhile. Now I wouldn't trade him for the world. He is not perfect but he is the best husband I have EVER known of and I can't believe he is mine. I only share this with you to show you with some work and time life can become what you dream it to be if you submit to God and let Him work in Both your hearts. All blessings and prayers for you and family.

I don't know if your marriage is meant to be a forever thing but, since the two of you have an 11-month old child, I would suggest that the two of you get some couples counseling before you decide to call it quits. Marriages are not always easy. It takes a lot of communication, a lot of maturity, and lot of compassion and understanding for each other to make it work. If you husband is not willing to go to counseling, then you should go on your own so that you can get a better understanding of what is going on with you and can make decisions about your future and your son's future that are based upon clarity and strength, not a knee jerk reaction to a seemingly impossible situation.

I'm not necessarily one that believes that all relationships are meant to be "till death do you part" because sometimes some of us do end up totally inappropriate guys for us. By the same token, marriages do take a lot of work, communication, compassion and maturity on both partner's parts -- even the best of them. And having a child so young does add a lot of stress and shifting dynamics in all relationships. Just something for you to think about as you are making your decision.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

I have been through a VERY similar situation with my husband. I can only speak from my own experience. From what you describe, he seems to have narcissistic traits. It will not get any better. I decided to divorce and ever since he moved out, I have been much calmer and happier. Our daughter is no longer exposed to an unloving marital relationship and we are both better off. Just know this - it will not get better.

Ask him if he would be interested in counseling for himself, separate from you in order to help the marriage and tell him you are willing to do the same. Then after some time come together as a couple in counseling.
If he is unwilling I highly suggest that you seek it for yourself to get a clearer prospective on your life. And then make think about making decisions.
Best Regards to you and your family,
C.

some babies do wake 3 times at night. Maybe working on that would help, but it sounds like there were issues there before the baby.
Is there something that you do still love about him, that would help you heal this marriage. Try asking hubby what he needs from you, you might be surprised by the answer, and then also be clear in telling him,--with out sarcasm--what you need. good luck

I think most moms want to kick their hubbys to the curb about a half dozen times during the first year with a child! I know I did.
I thin that Laura W. had a lot of good advice.
Make some time for you & hubby and make some time for YOU alone. Also, it might be time to throw dear hubs under the bus (so to speak)--vamoose for an overnight somewhere--anywhere and let him deal with O. sleepless night. Sleep deprivation makes you crazy over time.

It sounds like you both are not happy with how things are going so any little thing is blown up to be intollerable. Then you both get more frustrated and what was a minor thing has turned into a major thing. Stop the cycle. You can't change him but you can change yourself. Once you start treating him as though he is the most important person in your life, instead of the most annoying person, it will only get worse.

Stop and think about what you would like your life to be like. A loving husband and father for your 11-month-old would be wonderful, right? Now imagine what your husband desires of you. You can be that person starting today. If you need insight into what you can do to change your husband's view of you and turn his whole attitude around, read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. You can get it at the library or in paperback or probably even on CD. It may be hard to become that amazing wife at first (especially since everything on TV or in movies tells you that you should be the demanding b****), but once you see what how it affects your husband, you will be telling everyone you know!

I don't know a single person who has read the book and done what it says (even when they did not agree with it) that didn't have their marriage totally changed!

I would strongly suggest couples counseling, it sounds like you both need help with your communication! Hope things get better for you!