Please Help - Detroit,MI

Don't walk, run out the door!!!!!! Sorry for being so blunt, but you are headed for SERIOUS trouble! No real man should treat you like that at all. A real man doesn't go out and leave his wife at home OR spend money that should be designated for bills and household expenses! You are not overreacting! Take the kids and leave. Get a lawyer and sue for custody. Chances are he is already planning what he will do when you leave. And if he is going out every night, he probably isn't being faithful! GOOD LUCK!

I totally agree with McK4....you are not overreacting.
I don't know what to tell you to do, but you have lots of good advice.

Family should be the #1 priority ALWAYS. If he can't pay the bills, he shouldn't be going out.

Also, I hate to say this but, most people who are overly jealous are so because of themselves. Not saying he IS cheating on you, but that's certainly a possibility and he's taking it out on you because he's guilty.

Personally, I'd leave him and tell him that if he wants you back, you are to be treated with equal rights, respect, and love. You shouldn't have to live like this. Nobody should.

It is not HIS money; you are a family, a team, and both of you work. Right now it has apparently been a mutual decision that he's the one to bring in money and you're the one to handle most/all the domestic labor.

You are in an abusive, controlling, manipulative relationship, and the fact that he's convinced you it's "his" money is only the tip of it. When you object, he knows how to "punish" you to keep you quiet. This is a terrible situation for you, and a damaging thing for children to experience.

IF you can get into marriage counseling, that would be a great place to start, and I would say there's still some hope for the growth and maturity you need from him. But I'm assuming counseling is financially out of the question, and that your husband wouldn't agree to it anyway. If you can't get counseling, then you will never have it easier than where things are now, and that they will probably only get worse.

Having been in a somewhat less controlling but still abusive marriage myself, I would strongly advise you to leave, the sooner the better. If you have family you can go to, take your children and go on a day when he's away. If there's no friend or family to take you in, check out women's shelters in your area. Call a cab or a friend for transportation.

Do, do it, DO IT! The sooner, the better. I am not overreacting here. I've seen too many women harmed and too many children traumatized by this kind of relationship. Don't give him advance warning, don't tell him where you've gone, and don't, under any circumstances, go back to him until he can prove he's in counseling and making workable changes. (That will probably be never.)

If you make a decisive enough move, your husband might be startled into seeing how unfair your marriage has been. While you are apart (and don't fool yourself into thinking a short separation, an apology, and all will be better), get counseling for yourself, too. I'm guessing that you struggle with low self-esteem, or you wouldn't have let the situation get this far, you wouldn't think in terms of having to beg for his money, and you would simply expect a more equal partnership.

Good luck. My heart aches for the difficult choices you face. The good news is, you can learn from this, become more whole, have a more satisfying life, and have a chance at a better mate in the future.

Just the simple fact that you are asking if he is wrong just shows how much control he has on you. Of course he is wrong, yet you second guess by asking others. You have to get a job and earn your own money and take back your control.

**Edit**
I have read several comments here and I don't know who many of the posters are fooling. It is his money, it is all his money. He makes it, he parties with it, and he decides how much the family needs. Further, he controls Mombuns with it!

It is not HIS money. You are a partnership, you take on the "unpaid" job and he has the paid job, but that doesn't mean the money is all his. You are not overreacting. The relationship is becoming abusive. If you can't get some help as a couple FAST, you should think about other ways to move your life forward independently.

I dont think you are overreacting! Im with Sara on this one. My first husband was like this right after we got married. Didnt like me even talking to my work friends after hours, while he went out drinking at night with his lady friends... it just kept getting worse. I ended that marriage and I am very proud of myself for doing it. I am now happily married to my second husband and havent looked back.

You need to really think of what you want to do about this. If it doesnt change for the better, it is only going to get worse and this could end up endangering the kids.

"HUGS"

You are not wrong to feel the way you do!! Do not let him make you feel like this... It will only get worse!! My ex-husband was the same way and that is why he is an ex. He wanted to get me completely dependent on him so he could treat me badly and I would not question it. He always wanted to make me feel like everything that happened was my fault. These abusers want to take every bit of self-esteem out of you. Remember that your children are seeing this and they will also think this is the right way. Love yourself and love your children.

Life is not a dress-rehersal - we get one shot on the stage. Refuse to live your life in misery. Ask yourself is he worth it?

no. this is classic abuser techniques. First they isolate you from your friends and family, then they control where/when you go places and if he's not allowing you money.....this is not cool.

I don't think you are overreacting, but I am wondering why he is trying to keep you "hostage" while he goes splurging. What is he hiding and why is he so possessive of you? Is he not able to trust himself, so he can't trust you? Do you think he is cheating? He obviously is trying to control you and sounds very insecure. It gives him some power over you now that you are dependent. For the heck of it, I would suggest going out with him where he goes just to see his reaction. I would also see if I can find a way to make my own money at home. Try not to let him have this over you. Seek counseling if you have to, because that sounds like he is cheating or overly possessive.

it's not overreacting-- he should be providing for you and his family. and helping you to take care of them... there is help and hope for your situation. my mom lives in Michigan and is a really good counselor. she has helped so many families in situations like yours to work through their problems and save their marriages. i can give you her contact info if you want, she can recommend some people and options to you.

First of all it is NOT his money...it is BOTH of yours money. When you marry, two, become one(people seem to forget that). Why on earth would you think it would be wrong to ask him to spend money & time on his own family? Sounds like your confidence has been beaten down a bit, by an insecure jerk.
You need to start standing up for yourself, after all, how is anyone going to have respect for you, when you don't even respect yourself? Good luck to you!!

I was there once! Only I left after only 1 yr. and that yr was horrible!! I begged for him to change, I lost all my friends, and had low self esteem. It took only a few months to feel strong again! It was the best thing I did! I left, was embarrassed at first, but felt very strong later! I never looked back! He begged, and even threatened suicide! I didn`t care, I knew he hadn`t/ wouldn`t change! I met my now husband, and we`ve been together 15 yrs. And still in love! He is great! Be strong! Put your foot down! And if he continues, you need to walk away! Don`t let your children live like that. And, almost always, when a man accuses his wife of cheating, he is the one! Do some checking up on him!

Are you kidding me?? It is NOT his money, you are married, you are a family it is yours and the childrens money. I am going to apologize now for this coming acrossed harsh but this infuriates me...he is be a selfish, self-centered ____ (fill in the blank). I dont know why you have chosen to stay home with the kids, but as a stay at home mom myslef you work...you work ur butt off. You should not ever have to ask for money for basics, anything beyond the basics should be discussed but not asking like you are a child. I feel that both the man and the women should go out with their friends, occasionally..like once or twice a month maybe but NEVER every night. And you two should be going out together at least once a month. He has out his wants way above his childrens and his wifes and that should never happen...my ex did this for about a year after I confronted him on it and i let it go for that long becuase it took me that long to get everything in order so that I could levae if things didnt change...they didnt change of course and leaving, while hard, was the best thing I ever did for myself and my children. For everyone who is gonna freak and say I am telling herr to leave, Im not I am just telling her what I did. But in NO way should you be made to feel like this by the person who is supposed to lover you the most. I am so sorry that you are going through this, I remember how horrible it made me feel. TALK and when he doesnt listen, TALK some more,and then when he doesnt listen...pack your things and make a better life for you and your children. I was so much happier after I left and in turn was able to be a way better mother and example for my daughters. It is scary, and sucks but you deserve to be happy and your children deserve to grow up with a happy mother who isnt in a horrible relationship (children learn about relationships from watching their parents and u would never want this for your kids so why do u want it for you?). I am so sorry and GOOD LUCK!

Hey there,

When I was in Pre-Marital counseling with my then fiance (now Husband)... our therapist said something that will never leave me. He said, "Statistically, American couples get divorced at 6+ or so years after marriage. So guys, plant a flag at year 8."

It sounds like you guys are right at brink. Try hard to hang in there! Here is how I feel about it, but take it with a grain of salt, like you would anything else.

First; where is he going? He should be going out without you rarely, if ever. Not only is it unfair but its also unusual, I don't know anyone who goes out several nights a week alone, with a family and wife at home. My husband has gone "out" only a handful of times without me and those times were work related - meaning one of the owner's of his company had come to town and wanted to take everyone in the office out to dinner directly after work. I know this because he explained it to me - because I deserve an explanation.... do you see where I'm going with this? If he is going somewhere after work he should explain to you where and why.... just like he expects you to do when you tell him you're going to the store.

It is NOT just his money. As a man who is responsible for a wife and children, it is not just his money. The money belongs to the utilities, the groceries, medical care, the gasoline, the kid's needs, your needs and his needs. If he wanted to have his own money and go out every night, he should've stayed single. You're not wrong for wanting that. He needs to be providing for his family.

Why would he always accuse you of cheating on him? This is odd especially if you only have one car and you're a stay at home mom. Please remember to take this with a grain of salt - but it has been my experience that someone who makes accusations of that magnitude that frequently, is often the guilty one and the accusations are coming from guilty paranoia over their own actions. That is rooted in quite a bit of therapy theory.. so don't freak out - I don't know you or your husband, I'm just saying that is something that stuck out to me.

You need to seek third party help. I would talk to him about going to see a counselor, just once or twice to help things... and see what he says. If he flips out on you... I'd seek help from a close, trusted friend of BOTH of yours, and ask for mediation from them. Have them come over and talk with you two and help facilitate an unbiased, unheated conversation between the three of you if at all possible.

You are right to seek advice. Whats going on is unacceptable. Stay strong and hang in there.. No matter what happens those kids need you, and they need you at you most whole, most genuine self. Stay honest with them and with yourself.

Be respectful, be polite, but be smart. You can do it, you're already on the right track by seeking advice here!

Best of luck to you!

I have read some of your responses to other people and know that you have a daughter and, as you told another poster... Do you want your daughter growing up to marry someone like your husband?

Wake him up to what he is doing wrong and if you can't do that, wake yourself up and end this marriage.

Good luck

I feel really bad for you to have been put in this horrible situation. You are not overreacting. Reading this makes me believe he is hiding alot of things from you. I believe you need help in checking out how your finances are and how faithful he truly is. Please don't think it's HIS money because it's not. When you both got married to each other everything turned into OUR home, kids, money, time etc. Since you have no people to turn to I think you should look into talking to a preacher for some insight or help. I'm gonna pray for you and your family that everything will work out for the best.

I don't have an answer for you. I'm really sorry for your situation. Your husband has some real problems. I believe in staying together for the sake of the kids, so I don't know what to tell you. If there were no kids involved, I would say leave him, NOW.

Something is seriously wrong with your husband.

Despite what I feel about staying together for the sake of the kids, I think Peg, below, and all the other moms, for that matter, are right - you need to leave.

Please let us know how it goes.

There is something wrong with this picture! YES you should be upset about this. If he is accusing you of cheating...he might be the guilty party...strange how that works. Does he drink when he is out?
From the outsde looking in, it does't sound like it is REALLY a money issue. He isn't being a husband or a father by going out every night. He is choosing to NOT spend time with you and the children. He is choosing to be rude to you and your friends. He is choosing to leave you out in the middle of nowhere with no car, no outlet (job or friends) It isn't HIS money unless you have some sort of arrangement that he is in charge of it. When you say this is the first time you have been dependent on him...what does that mean? In my/our marriage (of 35 years) we have certainly had our share of ups and downs. Money has never been an arguing point...it was always OUR money, even when I stayed home with the kids and didn't have a job. Again, there is something else going on here and you need to find out what it is. Be ready for him to deny, deny , deny and to make it all your fault...whatever it is. Do you have family close by to help you be strong? He seems to need help remembering that marriage is a TWO WAY STREET! I will pray for the best for you!

Can I just say, that as someone who has been there, done that.....you can't stay in that relationship the way it is. Sorry.
1 ~ someone who is abusive will first separate you from your friends & family. That way they aren't around to witness what is happening and can't help you. He may not be hitting you, but it sounds like it's just a matter of time. Was his father abusive? it often is a horrible cycle.
2 ~ someone who accuses you of cheating is usally cheating himself...he's projecting his guilt onto you.
3 ~ it most deffinitely is not "his" money, it's the family money. You will soon be out of a home if he keeps on this track. And you shouldn't have to ask to buy things for the kids, or yourself.

I don't normally advise people to get a divorce, so don't think that that is what I believe, but I do think that this is very similar to the cycle I was in years ago with my son's father. You need to do whatever you can to protect yourself and your children.

take care,
D.

There is something going on that your husband is not telling you. Don't panic, though. He may be stressed about an impending lay-off or who knows what. You, however, need to be prepared -- although not necessarily expecting -- the worst. Clearly, you love your husband and children. That is not in doubt. But if your husband is spending hours (presumably spending money that should be going to pay bills) away from home, casting suspicion on you is his way of dealing with his own guilt. Quietly start establishing your network: family and friends who can help you through a temporary hard time or who can provide access to legal counsel. Document everything. Contact your husband's family if you think a family intervention is required. With regard to the notion of the money he earns as being "his" money: if both of you were working and bringing in two salaries, then maybe it would be OK to recognize "your" money and "his" money. However, it seems that you both agreed that you will work at home while he works outside the home. In that case, "his" money is the money used to support the family. Unless you work outside the home with an outside salary, he essentially agrees to take responsibility for the bills and costs of the family. Don't be afraid to contact Legal Aid. You certainly need to protect yourself and your children. You are not overreacting. You are responding to logical reasoning. Good luck.

My question is: why have you not left him? If you were hearing this from a friend, if someone other than you was asking you this question, what would you tell that friend?
If I were you I would be working on an escape plan, and fast.

First of all, it is not HIS money. It is money to be used for the kids, you and him. You are staying home with the kids, not getting paid like if you had a normal job so the $ is shared. Secondly, I do not think you're wrong at all for asking him to spend the money on things that benefit the family not just him. Your kids obviously need shoes, clothes, etc (as do you for that matter) and the fact that he would complain about something like that is not good. Third, I am not trying to assume what he's doing when he goes out every night but it has been my experience when one partner accuses the other of cheating, usually they are the one cheating. It is obviously impossible for you to even try to cheat but he has it available to him every day/night. You're in a really tough situation and I feel for you. To not be able to express how you're feeling or talk to your partner about what is important to you has to be the most difficult. I don't have any special advice on how to get him to seriously sit down and talk and try to understand other than to keep trying. Don't avoid it because the situation will only get worse. Good luck to you.

no you are not wrong. divorce!! sorry. find support somewhere else!

I fell really sorry for you and your children, the man that you made a vow to obiviously doesn't have a clue what marriage life is. He wants to control you and your children. I am not a marriage counselor or professional therapist but based on the information you shared, He doesn't want to be married or responsible, for his home or family, and seems to enjoy making you feel less than a wife or mother and, that you can't do anything without him. He is just a "single married man", You are not wrong for asking for money to take care the children, also when you get married you give up the whats "mine or "yours" it becomes "OURS"!! You are not overreacting about anything, you are purposing to save your marriage and I don't blame you. You stay home and take care of the house and kids and he goes out and works and brings home a paycheck to provide for his family. That is the way marriage works. Both people do whatever it takes to keep the family together. Maybe, you should talk to a marriage counselor or Pastor, Priest or someone who can help more, if he agrees, if your husband won't go, you go alone. Stay positive, Keep your head up, and Take Care.

Oh sweetheart you are not overreacting. You are married to a control freak. Your husband has you right where he wants you, totally dependant on him. The kids are his too so hes shouldn't get upset when you ask him for money for things for the kids. He should consider the bills first before he goes out & spends money. I think it is o.k. if he wants to go out, but you should also be given the same consideration. He goes out & works, but you stay home & work, he gets a paycheck, you don't.So can you find a family member, or a friend to watch your kids so you can get a job? Sounds like you need to gain some independence, In other words you need to be able to take care of yourself & your kids with or without your husband. Show your husband that you don't have to be dependant on him. It could make for a healthier marriage unless he feels threatened by your independence. Don't think you can't do this because if you put your mind to it you can, & you will feel better for it. Just so you know, I am speaking from experience. If nothing else I would advise you to get counseling to find out how you can cope with this. I wish you all the best.

no i do't tink you are overreacting but i do think your marrage sounds like its going downhll. Either you two need to sit down and hashthings and fix it or got to therapy to fix it or call it quits. From the sounds of what your discribbing to me about him being gone he may be the one cheating. He needs to stop going out and spend time with you and the kids this is rediculaous I can't believe your still there. You need to talk to him and if he gets mad you need to let him know he can't keep running obvioul hes not happy and you may need to start looking for a job tohve money for you ndte kids since it sounds like hes wasting it going out every night nd not paying bills. You and th kids should go to family and tell him when he decides to be a parent and a husband maybe you will come back. Good luck!!

I would suggest seeking help. For both of you but if he won't go get some help yourself. Find someone to watch your kids and someone else to give you a ride. You need to talk to someone. This is not good at all. Do you have a minister you can talk to? Otherwise find a family counselor in the phone book or on the web and call them to explain your situation (about not having a car). They will work with you. Save yourself and your children even if he refuses to cooperate and get counselling with you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You are not overreacting.