Please Help - Duluth, MN

I went through this not too long ago with my ex. He was too involved with his new hunny to care about the kids. We have our weeks split. I have them 2 days a week and everyother weekend and vise versa. On his days he would leave them with his mom or a sitter or sometimes call and ask me to keep them. My lawyer told me that they can't make him take the kids on his days.. its his lose on not seeing them (well it was the kids loss and pain i cared out!!) But I kept a very detailed log on when he took them, left them, had his mom take them.. everything. Time and date.. wether I seen them or the kids told me. It was mainly my oldest that was being affected by this and my dad and brother stepped up to the plate and filled the void my son had with not seeing his dad. See if there is a male family friend or a family member that can do this.. if not try the big brothers, big sisters program.. they are wonderful!! After he got over the newness of his new woman (now his wife) he actually came thru and is there for the kids. It took a while (and honesty we still have problems with my oldest son and his dad) but over all thier dad has been a wonderful father, it just took him a while. As for the child support go threw a county child support office, it doesn't cost anything for you to do it. They will help you get the money owed to you and help keep it up to date. Here there is a 1% handling fee for them to do it. But I found out that the 1% is well worth them doing it than the headache of me trying to stay on him. Good luck I hope this helps and it turns out for the best for you and your kids!!

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Just thank god that you did end up with custody of the child so you don't have to beg to see your son.

As for the visits, you need to do what you think is best for you son and realize you can't make your ex visit. But you also have to start preparing to hold him accountable. Start keeping a log of all the missed visits, calls, holidays, gifts,etc. Keep track of the effect its having on your son. You may even want to get a child therapist involved if your son is really being negatively impacted by it. All these things will come in handy if you decide to go back to court.

Next, the child support belongs to your son. Your ex does not have the option to not pay unless he is completely unemployed. And even then, you can take him to court to show that he is purposely not working to avoid child support. Most counties have child support divisions that are there to assist the parents. You need to try and contact that division and ask for help. You may not need to hire the attorney again if the county can help. Whether or not your ex gets in trouble with the law is his own problem. He is under a legal obligation to fulfill his financial responsibilities to his son, even if he had all visitation taken away.

Whatever happens, just be the best parent you can for your son and he'll know he can always rely on you. Good luck.

I'm sorry to hear that. You could report the father to Child Support Services, and they'll at least hunt down your child support for you. They'll find out where he works, garnish his wages,ect. If you take him back to court, thats alot of emotional stress & money(is you hire a lawyer). Is there another male figure in his life that could spend time with him? Not take his Dads place but, just someone to spendtime with. That would make your son feel better. I'll pray for you!!!

We went throught this with my step-son's mom. She took us to court and she got custody, we got visitation. That was fine. She then couldn't handle him and gave custody to us and she had visitation. She doesn't excercise her visitation or pay child support, for the last 2 years. We haven't taken her to court, because it just causes us emotional stress and also Austin, my step-son. He doesn't know who she is and it is better that way, because she is in and out and confuses him. Our situation is a little different. But if you want your son to see his father and he wants to see him, then you could file contempt of court. He isn't paying child support and isn't using his visitation. If you don't do it, he may just fall out of your son's life. I don't know. It depends on what is best for you and your son. That is how we decided what to do. What was best for Austin and then what was best for us. If you need any other advice, feel free to contact me. Good luck.

Hey L.,
I have to say I agree with what Kimberly wrote. I've been seperated for 5 years--took 3 of those years to finalize the divorce and it was very messy! My ex goes back and forth--rarely misses visitation but never takes them extra unless his current girlfriend wants to or his parents are in town. They're 5 & 9 and already know that daddy doesn't follow through and out of sight sometimes means out of mind for the selfish, dead beat dads.
Definitely don't let him get away w/out child support--your son deserves it and no matter what the dad thinks it's his responsibility. I wouldn't push visitation--you can't make him enthusiastic around your son and he'll pay a higher price for spending time with a parent who doesn't want him around. Be supportive of your sons feelings and explain what you can about his dad--he's busy working, etc. Let him call anytime to talk to him--and be there when he cries that dad's never around. He'll be ok...they all will who go through it and have strong mom's to lean on!
Hang in there!

Hi L.,
I agree with Cindy. Your child's father has a legal obligation to help you support him regardless if he chooses to see him. Sounds like your child is better off without him anyway. I know he is hurting now but he will rememeber a lot less the younger he is as opposed to this happening whaen he's older.
At least he has a great mom who is there for him. Good luck! keep your head up your do a great job. P.s. contact the county you reside in to get child support withheld from his paycheck. Judges frown on guys that do not support there children.

Hi L.,
I sincerely empathize with your situation. It sounds as if you definitely have your hands full. Trust me things will get easier. Remember, you can not control another person's actions. You can only do what you can do and if you want to hold him accountalbe move ahead w/the court, otherwise, he will have to give to his son when he feels he can.
On another note, I am in a similar situation and would like to contact your attorney. Please let me know if you would be willing to share that information with me.
K.

L.,
As far as custody goes, just do what is best for your son. Don't worry about the money lost. If he can't be bothered to see his son,don't push the visitation, but keep communication open with your son, let him know it's not his fault, he is loved, etc, and give him an outlet for getting his feelings out. A letter picture or written to dad(you don't have to send it) can be helpful Then, take this guy to court for the payments, there is no reason for that. The county you live in can help.

Hi L.! I really can relate to what you are going through. I used to get in HUGE fights with my daughter's father about him coming and getting her. He would get mad at me and take it out on her.

*HUGS*

First, you can't really do a whole lot about him seeing your son. I understand it hurts your son. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like your ex can see past himself to think of your son and his needs, which is the most important thing. All you can control is what you can do and how you react to it. What I did was make sure that I did all I could to bridge a relationship between the two of them. I would have my daughter call him all the time (he couldn't even pick up a phone to call her when she was in the hospital). I would make the contact and ask when he could see her.

Second, your child will know at some point it is not you; it's his father. All you can do is reassure him of your love and make sure he knows he is loved and worthy of love. He may go through a time where he hates himself and feels he is not worthy of love (we are going through that right now).

Good luck! If you need an ear, I am always here for you!

Sounds familiar... I have a 14yr old and have been divorced from her father for 12 years. Over the years visits have been far apart, and child support even further. In 1999 he even tried to fight me for custody and placement but we settled that out of court because he knew he didn't have a chance. Over the years, I have watched her fight back tears on the phone because dad doesn't have time for her, but yet has time for his new sons. I watch her miss him, hate him, wonder if he even loves her.. all I do is be there for her, tell her I love her, show her I love her, and I make her understand that her feelings are important. I never bad-mouth her dad, but I do explain to her that grownups can be selfish and it doesn't mean he doesn't love her. She has finally figured him out for what he is, selfish, and I think she'll be ok. It's a long hard road and I have no easy answer for you. It is the toughest thing to do to watch your child cry over the "idiot" you divorced, but they have to figure this out on their own. Be tough! You are a mom and you can do it!