There's a boy in my son's 3 year old preschool class, who we had a few playdates with at the beginning of the year. Everytime we got together, whether at the park or home, this boy hit my younger son (15 months younger) out of the blue. He would also throw tantrums every time my son (his age) would try to play with something of his. Somewhat normal behavior for 3's I know, I just got tired of refereeing, I ended playdates by making up excuses that we were busy all the time.
Months and months have gone by and we've been getting invited over again. My son seems excited about going over to play so I decided to give it another go. We've had two playdates and both have been exhausting for me as a parent. Today, this boy hit my son in the head with a metal toy, shoved him trying to take a toy, shoved my younger son and later pulled a chair out from under him which was when I left. When this boy hit my son, I'd say firmly, "Don't hit, it's not nice, please don't hit." The mother tells her son to apologize to mine and ask if he's alright. That's it. Another problem, is everytime my son picked up a toy he would immediatley want it. The mother would say to her son, "If you ask nicely, he'll give it to you." I told her son he could have it when my child was done taking his turn...because I don't want my son thinking he has to give something up everytime someone asks nicely! Honestly, my son seems unfazed by a lot of this because he wants to keep playing, but I don't want him getting the message that getting hit and pushed around is no big deal! I don't think the mom, as nice as she is, thinks it's a big deal! This boy isn't very nice to my son and my son seems a bit oblivious. She keeps talking about the next playdate, as I'm leaving after the last shove.
I feel like a terrible mother for not leaving the first 5 minutes when my son was hit with the toy. I stayed because for some crazy reason I felt bad just leaving right off.
So my question is, should I just be honest with this woman? When she asks about the next playdate, I'm thinking of just telling her that I was unhappy with yesterday's playdate because of all the hitting, that I feel like it's sending my kids the wrong message. That we won't be able to continue playdates if it keeps happening. I'm not the type to discuss it with other mom's from the school and think I should just be honest with her. Avoiding her isn't an option, it's a small family involved coop school. I don't care if it ends our friendship, it's about my kids.
**And I just wanted to add that I don't think it's about my younger son being there at times, it happens even when he's not there. This boy has a younger sibling as well.
I'd be honest. But gently so. I'm sorry, I think the playdates aren't working out so well right now. We're frustrated with the hitting, etc. I think the boys should just be "school friends" for now. Maybe getting together outside of school will work better when they are older. Personally, I'm not comfortable making excuses that really aren't true. I'll bet the Mom will understand.
One alternative might be to say, next time she asks about a play date, "Let's have it at the playground." And ensure no one brings their own toys there. The other boy will have less "ammo" to throw at/take from your son; no one can "own" a slide or the monkey bars; and it's possible that the larger space and the chance to run will help this boy burn off some of what seems to be his excess energy and aggression. Of course you will have to take care that the boy does not pick up sticks etc., or push or shove while on top of a slide for instance; I would monitor them both pretty closely at a first playdate at a park (maybe standing at the slide to enforce a "one at a time on top" rule) etc. The boy's behavior at a park could be much "better" in the sense he might be occupied enough not to hit; or it could be worse if he thinks he owns the place (which many kids his age do!). It's just something to try, perhaps.
Someone posted that this is normal, 3-year-old, hard-time-sharing behavior, and I agree that mostly that's right, but if this child is hitting your child every single time and you are finding every single playdate to be this stressful -- you are right to avoid play dates with this boy for now. If you don't want to try the playground experiment, you could just tell the mom, "I know (son) and (boy) like to play together, but they don't seem to be able to share well just yet. Let's revisit the idea later in the summer." That gives you the option of being able to call her in a few months and try again. And if you consider her a friend -- be sure to invite her out for coffee sometime when all the kids are otherwise occupied, to keep that adult connection.
It's entirely possible that this boy will outgrow this behavior soon -- around three to three and a half is a tough age, and then at four many kids deal better with sharing and not touching. But you do not have to continue play dates for now, especially if your son has other friends who do not hit and who find sharing a little easier.
Meanwhile, are you getting other play dates with other kids? That is a legitimate reason to say, we're busy!
i'm somewhere in the middle of both of you. i think kids need to work things out without parents always micro-managing ('say you're sorry' has always made me scratch my head. what do apologies actually mean to people, anyway?) but hitting needs to be dealt with gently and immediately, and at that age for me it would mean a temporary removal from the situation. this will incur roars and tears. that's okay. parenting 3 year olds is not for the faint of heart. and your son seems to have a very healthy balanced attitude toward it all, so good for you!
yes, i think you should be honest (i always think that), which doesn't mean anything like 'your kid is a mean brat and you're a pushover, we don't want to hang out with you ever again.' but you can have a conversation that goes along the lines of 'i'm interested in your parenting philosophy. i'd like our boys to play together but i'm a little concerned about mine getting overwhelmed. i'm feeling as if we should separate them when there's hitting going on, i feel that would be more effective than an apology. what do you think?'
only being honest when you've already decided to sever the relationship doesn't give anyone an opportunity to make it work. it may not work anyway, but if you've already decided you can't avoid her and you're not invested in the friendship, why not at least give it a shot?
khairete
S.
I'll be honest with you, this is all perfectly normal behavior. Your son seems unfazed because this is how things most likely are at his preschool! Kids at this age want what the other has, and they find it easier to use their bodies, rather than words...Then at 4 the hitting stops a bit, and instead they play tug of war until the toys break! They also become so good at shoving that no one notices! Watch 4 and 5 year olds line up for something exciting. There is a weird slyness to the way they cut in front of each other...it's not shoving exactly, but their bodies are touching!
This is what 2-4 year olds do, and it is our job to then teach them how to negotiate these situations and to use their words. Yes, it is exhausting, but the only way they learn how to deal with this stuff is by being exposed to it......
Yes.. please be honest with the woman!!! There is no way you two can get past this or work on the behavior if she is in the dark or doesn't get that you are not ok with it, are avoiding playdates because of it etc. Nip it in the bud. Now. Best wishes!
My son's friend Mikey would come over and each time would pick on my daughter to a point where it was like he was out to get her. She was only 3 an they were 7. I'd get so bothered and angry that I'd tell Mikey, "You can't come here if you keep talking to her that way." finally his mom asked if he was being polite at our house (I think she for wind of something going on) so I told her the situation. I felt terrible but really justified at the same time. She apologized over and over and gave him a long talk. I don't think she saw his behavior until I pointed it out. And if your other mom doesn't appreciate it, time to end the play dates. It's not worth the stress.
Yes, the physical stuff is not unusual for this age group. I would be honest with the mom and tell her it is a problem. Maybe the two of you can work out some playdate rules for dealing with the hitting and sharing issues. Maybe use a 1 or 2 minute timer for turns with a disputed toy, 3 min. time out for hitting or whatever rules you can agree on. Then you can tell the boys the new rules when they play together. Anyway, that is one way to try and even out the differences you have in parenting style.
Of course you can always stop playing with this child if you want.
I suppose I have a different POV since my son is an aggressive, high energy kid. He is 6 now and does fine in school but still fights with his sister at home. At 3 he had a new sibling and was very aggressive with the other kids in preschool. I didn't let it go, worked with the teacher a lot, gave countless time outs and discussed with him better ways to get along with peers. It still took over 6 months to really improve (he really turned the corner by 4.5 and got along with peers in preschool). We have one family we are friends with from before we had kids. The other family has 2 kids with the same age spacing but 18 months younger than my 2 kids. The older boy in the other family is a quiet, sensitive kid and pretty much the total opposite of my extra loud son. It takes a lot of supervision and discipline to make playdates work but after several years of practice we can make it work. I just wanted to say it is possible to get past this if the friendship is important to you and you and the other mom are willing to work together.
This exact same thing happened to us when my son was younger. The few times we played with a certain little boy (age 2.5 to 3.5) he would hurt my son. He would punch or hit or kick. I thought well, some boys are aggressive and maybe when he is older he will be more mature. The mom was a nice person BUT she never really punished her son. She would say, oh no, we don't hit. But if it were me I would have really come down on my son and given him a consequence/time out and made him say sorry. She never did much...she'd say, I'm so sorry, boys will be boys. I waited till this little boy was older (age 5) and we tried again. Again he pushed my son and scratched him on the chest and face. That was the last time. I never had a play date with that little boy again. I just made excuses, oh, we are busy. I knew a couple other families that did the same. I'm sure the mom knew.
