Pinching - Wichita, KS

Consistency is the most important thing. I work with a couple of early-childhood education experts, and they are appalled when parents suggest you hit, pinch, scratch, or bite your child back. When you do that you reinforce the idea that biting, scratching, hitting, etc are valid ways to solve problems. Their suggestion is to watch her behavior and figure out when she does it- is she tired? does she feel neglected? is she angry? Frustrated? Once you figure that out, try to "head it off at the pass", when you see that she is getting to the point that she will bite in a couple minutes, change the circumstances.

Also, discipline has to be consistant. Give one warning, not six. And this is for everything, not just biting. I think with biting, there is no warning, you say, "You may not bite" and then you remove her from whatever fun thing you are doing. If that means going home in the middle of a shopping trip, so be it. I know that sometimes I am tempted to let something slide after I have given a warning because I don't want to stop being outside, or the walk, or the fun craft- but if I do that, then my son knows that Mama doesn't always mean what she says. Try to keep her frustration to a minimum- part of that is just saying, "Does that make you mad? Do you want Mommy to pay attention to you?" Part of that is giving her the words to use when she is angry or frustrated, so that she doesn't have to resort to pinching. Try to describe what she is frustrated about- it will help.

So, in conclusion :) Be consistant, don't react in a big way when she pinches- say, "You may not pinch. Now we have to go home." and then march her back to the car- no more conversation, if she continues to pinch- just keep on going back. Later you can talk to her about it, but that may not work until she is older.

Children under the age of two do not have the cognitive ability to reflect on prior events and make judgment based on that. Pinching a child back (or pulling hair back) is a silly way to try to teach a child. You are teaching that if she hurts you, you will hurt her. You are also molding the way she will behave in social situations. In short, she is learning that it is o.k. to hurt other people. She doesn't even have the cognitive reasoning to first remember what happened last time she pinched you, reflect on that, and make a judgment to control her behavior.

Children do of course learn at this age, but it takes time. It is most effective to respond the say way each time she pinches. You can hold her hand and tell her "NO PINCHING, pinching hurts". 18 months is also a good age to introduce time outs. Just keep in mind it takes time for child to learn what the time out is, and to keep it under a minute until she is about 2. Also, put her down if she is on you lap or you are holding her when she pinches.

My boys are 20 months apart in age. We went through a time that I couldn't leave them alone in a room together. Just give her time. She won't pinch forever.

When my sons were hitting I would let them know how much it hurt the people they were hitting and then I would take their hand and show them how to give "nice touches". Then once they got the hang of it they would have to give nice touches or go to time out and then give nice touches. I hope this is helpful!

My daughter scratches...when she does I scratch her right back and say, "No scratching. Ouch. Not nice.". I know you've already tried pinching her back but (and I'm sure some people will be appalled by this) maybe you aren't pinching her hard enough...maybe she doesn't know that it hurts because it's not hard enough.

Yeah, you just have to say, "No pinching; pinching hurts" every time she does it. It sounds like you've tried so many (ineffective, I'm afraid) approaches: pinching back, smacking hand, and ignoring, that she's probably really confused and understandably thinks it is a game. I bet in two months, if you are consistent about telling her no and that it hurts (without yelling or making a big deal out of it), she will stop. They change so much in two months at this age.

I just wanted to add that I think at your dd's age some of the 'aggressive behaviors' are a result of frustration b/c they lack the verbal skills to really express themselves. It seems as their verbal skills improve they have less need to do the disruptive thing.

I would also agree on the 'no pinching, pinching hurts'

I remember reading somewhere that a child needs to be told something 57 times before they actually 'get it' I don't know if this is necessarily true - but it sure seems like that -- or 157!

Hi C.,

Here is my opinion on this subject.
I have a 11 month old little girl and she will try to pull my hair, when I have told her "no" and she doesn't listen, I tell her I'm gonna pull her hair and I grab some of hers but I don't pull it. I did pull her hair initialy to let her know how it feels.

Now for your situation, I think there are a couple of points that have been made already but I will give a few of my own.
First thing is consistency on your part that everytime and I mean everytime she pinches you or anyone else in the house she needs a punishment of some sort.

The next thing is punishment, what works for some kids won't work for others but here are a few ideas: time out, standing in the corner, sent to her room.

So when she pinches anyone in the family she needs to get a punishment whether it's time out or whatever.
I know "they" say that time out should be 1 minute for a child this age but IMO 1 minute isn't long enough. In the time of 1 minute it takes you the parent to romove the child from the situation, put them in time out wherever that is, tell them what they did wrong and then by the time they are out, you turn your back they are back to doing the samething again. So if you up the amount of time they are in time out like to 5 minutes, and this is the usual amount of time that it takes them to stop crying from you removing them from the situation in the first place.
I think finding the best punishment for your child and your child and then being consistent about it will be good. Hope this helps, W..