Peace of Mind with the 1St Grade Drama

I have always told my son that he's going to meet a lot of new people every year of school. Some he won't like at all, some will be buddies for the school year, some will be, at best, a benevolent "familiar face" the following year and some will become close friends for years, some for life!
I've approached it as everyone has an equal right to be there and get an education and attend school. Everyone is equal. some people you "click" with and some you won't. Cultivate the friendships and ignore the BS!

First grade friendships-- I wouldn't worry so much about.
Kids are still learning to be friends at this age. They do and say things that alienate other kids, sometimes they are all great, but for the most part they are still learning to read each other's social cues.

I have to get over it because my stressing about my son's idiosyncratic friendships will not make it any better. He is in kindergarten, and I hear about all sorts of things happening. However, I also know that some of what's going on is social peer correction. "If so-and-so doesn't want to play dinosaurs and cannons with you, it doesn't mean they don't like you. It just means that they don't want to play *that*. So, you can play something Friend likes or take turns choosing, or play with someone else."

"But I only want to play dinosaurs and cannons."

UGH!

Some things, they just have to figure out on their own. And sometimes, it's just god-awful to watch, isn't it.? :(

Sounds like your daughter is dealing with it better than you so put your emotions aside and realize that this behavior is normal.

The best thing you can do for your daughter, is raise her to be confident, feel good about herself, stand up for herself when she's treated unfairly and know that how she treats other people is important. It will all come out in the end.

I suppose these kinds of things don't get to me because I feel they are simply a part of growing up. Learning to deal with pain, rejection and loss are unpleasant but valuable skills. Remember, you're not just raising children, you are raising ADULTS. And adults who can't handle these things (hurt feelings, not being liked by everyone, being rejected, being told no) are usually immature and miserable people.
I only worry and stress when I see my child suffering above and beyond the norm. THAT's when I take a more proactive stance.

This type of behavior IS a form of bullying called relational aggression--manipulating freindships and relationships to intentionally hurt someone or gain power over them. If you think it is bad in 1st grade, just wait until middle school! Talk to her teacher or principal about having a class meeting or lesson on friendship and/or bullying.

When my daughter had drama in the first grade, I knew there had to be two sides to every story. I emailed the teacher to find out the real dynamics. I found out that neither the other girls nor my daughter were being perfect (which I knew), but knowing what was the real situation was, from teachers, let me feel better. Just knowing the full story. My daughter and I brainstormed some ways to handle certain situations; she ultimately was the one to choose how to handle herself. She's in third grade now, the "problem friend" is in a different class, and they are fine now.

Equip your daughter with problem-solving skills and let her make the choices.

I don't mean to be rude... forgive me...
but if you are having a hard time getting over it and can't stop obsessing about (raising my hand here too!), maybe you could use some counseling.

This is coming from someone seeing a psychotherapist now. A few months ago I swore I didn't need it and would never go back. But I got to thinking, "ya know... there ARE a bunch of issues on my mind that I want to work through and get past."

Your post made me remember how my daughter (now 3rd grade) also had a lot of mini-drama in 1st grade. Oy. She was OK, I was OK, she got through it and I never obsessed about it. (I was obsessing on other issues.)

My daughter went to the same thing with neighbor friends. Her best friend start to be rude and hang out with an other older friend. We talked a lot togetther me and my daughter. And I told her to ignore them and play by herself. That they were playing a game and eventually it will go away..Finally thats what happened, this year was better(she is 8 now) and everybody were playing together. It did may her more strong and me too! I know it is hard when your kids are well educated, nice manner, have a hart and so one, you never think that kid at that age could be so mean!
Hang it there, next year will be better!

I always gave examples of my time at that age. Having a great memory helps, but you can fudge things a bit and tell how you felt when a similar thing happened even if it wasn't at that age but an older age. I also told them what to say or do in a situation like that when it happens again.

For instance Suzy and Betsy let Beth play with them yesterday but today they are saying she can't and Beth is very sad about it and comes home and tells you. Tell her about when you were little you had that happen too (as I am sure we all did) and that you have found that telling Suzy and Betsy how you felt is the best way to handle it. Practice that with her. Then give her a second "if that doesn't work" thing to do, such as going and finding someone else to play with or playing with the jumpropes instead.

Hate to tell you, but it doesn't get better as far as I can see. My 8th grader's friends still have many issues. But I can honestly say that my girls both tell me more about other kids having issues then themselves.

As long as my daughter is not being abused or bullied, I am not too concerned. This is life, we all go through it.

Are there some underlying issues? Maybe you weren't *popular* and you want your daughter to be? Just throwing out a thought. I have 3 girls & 1 boy and wouldn't let something like this bother me unless there were some other big issues going on like bullying.

I used to go crazy when my daughter was in K-2. I thought she'd never get into a niche and have a group of close friends. I finally decided to disengage my emotions from it (after much coaching, role playing, talking, lecturing etc...etc..etc...) She is now in 5th grade. She has a small group of friends and she is very happy. Things will work out!

Part of growing up. Let is go and she will figure it out. Can't solve all their problems. Learning how to problem solve now will help her as time goes on.

Not all girls have BFF drama.

The way I get over it is, I know my daughter, she can discuss anything with me and express her own thoughts too, I "trust" her sense of self-management, and she often has good judgement and self-reliance.
She will bounce ideas off of me, per other kids, and she can speak up for herself. She has sound, solid discernment. She herself does not like drama, kids.
In the event something needs more handling or is a major problem then I speak to the Teacher.