Patience Is a Virtue!

I agree with the Love and Logic class. I took it as a requirement for school and I am so glad that I did. The concepts really do work if you apply them. Good luck!

Have you tried letting him put himself in time out? Sit him down when he isn't mad and let him know,if he is in a bad mood and needs a break from everything, he can. Let him go cool of and let him come to you, or even have a cool of time with you. Don't talk about what is bothering him. Just play and hang out. In that time let him know you get in bad moods to. It's ok to be mad. Just try to be his friend and remove yourself out of the momma roll.
Make sure when you get to the end of your rope, you let him know, by saying look son I need a time out. It's not you,I just dont want to take it out on you. I hope it will help. Just remind yourself what did you need from your parents you didn't get.

Hi C.,
I am a single mom too and my son (now 11 yrs old) hasn�t seen his father since he was 8 months old, I understand the anger and frustration, What has helped our family is Love & Logic, I took a class on it and study the books, I listen to the speakers online and read the articles online too. Here is the web link for parents.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/parents.html

And here is an article about angry children

http://www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/angry.pdf

I honestly can't say enough about Love & Logic, I don�t have to yell or have power battles with my son anymore (not that I don't forget to apply the tools) but it has definitely given me the life and relationship I wanted all along with my son. It�s amazing.
Best of luck to you and your family.

Sounds like he's mad at his dad and taking it out on you. My kids rarely see their dad (they are younger than your son) and sometimes my oldest will act angry towards me and then when I talk to him I find out what's really going on. I think it's a way to test to make sure you really love them since the other parent left they secretly fear you will leave them too. I know it sounds like psycho babble, but I think there's a lot of stuff that goes on in kids heads when one of their parents leave the home. Just try and be patient w/him and realize that he might be picking up on all your stress and is stressed himself. He might be worried about your dad too. Maybe you can try and spend some time together doing something he enjoys and just try and get some laughs together so you can both blow off steam and feel closer together. It sounds like you're both under a lot of mental stress. I wish you all the best.

Hello C.,

I am sorry you seem to be going through a hard time with many things going on around you. There are a lot of things I agree with in the other letters and some I am not sure of. It does sound like he has some anger issues that he needs to work out. Children don't know how to work out there problems like we do they don't understand the things that they are feeling. I have a few questions to your email. Why were you buying him a special treat for being in a mood? I am afraid you might be sending the wrong kind of message to your son. All kids have moods but I think they should be left to deal with them not offered treats to try and change there moods. It would be nice as parents to be able to fix every problem are children have unfortunately we cant. I would really suggest that you take your son to someone who can help him to deal with the feels he is having. They have ways to getting children to open up and express there feelings. He is young now but he will get older and these feelings will stay with him and it will be easier if you guys find your way through this know instead of later and he is bigger and stronger. Anger issues starts with mean words but sometimes if not handled with it can turn to more destructive outlets. And I am afraid of what might happen when your son reaches his teen years. Have you thought about sitting down with your son and setting up consequences for actions? I would set up a contract with him and make him a part of it. Let him know that you understand he might be mad some times and that is OK everyone gets mad some times. But that it is not OK to take it out on you and treat you poorly because you don't do it to him when you have a bad day. I think consisted is the best if he wants to act a certain ways that certain actions will happen. With what sounds like a father that is not very stable he needs to get it from you. Make rules and stick to them always the same dont flip flop. I am sure it will be hard and i am sure you will feel alot of guilt for your sons pain but you have to remember you didnt cause that pain and it is not ok for him to take it out on you. Please looking to getting some help for your son before it is to late. And remeber we are all here if you need to vent with others. R.

I agree with all these messages. And I emphasized getting into some intensive counseling.

I think that the first thing that you need to do is take care of yourself; find a way to get some emotional distance from what your son is doing. The crisis nursery might be the best choice if you have one available. If you don't have one available do you have friends or relatives who could take him for awhile. By awhile, I mean a day or two at a time.

And if you could have some supportive friends with whom you can vent. And, as difficult as it is being a working single mother develop a life outside of your relationship with your son. I've been in a situation similar to yours and I know how difficult doing any of this is.

Would it help for you to know that your son is saying and doing those things because he is soooooooo angry and doesn't know how to handle it. You are the safest person in his world with whom to express that anger. Maybe not. I became a foster mother to a girl when she was 7 who was extremely angry and did and said all of the things you wrote about. It did help me some to know that even tho the anger was directed at me it really belonged elsewhere. But I still spent most of her growing up years feeling hurt, angry, and frustrated. Because she was a foster child for the first several years (I adopted her at age 12) the state provided all the counseling we needed. I could never have kept her without it.

Getting counseling as a regular parent can be difficult especially if you don't have insurance to cover it. But it is extremely important. One resource might be a child development specialist (ie counselor) thru the school district. I think the school might be a resource in finding other help too.

If his behavior gets serious enough and it sounds like it might be there now, you could consider filing a petition with the juvenile court and that would get you some low cost or free counseling. I'd investigate the system first to find out if they are able to provide help. Some juvenile courts are more focused on crime than family issues.

There may be some non-profit clinics who accept clients on a sliding fee scale.

A way to get some respite and provide your son with male attention is to join a Boys Club, Boy Scouts or similar organization. Or attend a church. You might find someone who would be willing to be a mentor for your son. As with any relationship develop trust slowly.

I've also attended Love and Logic workshops and read their books. They helped me tremendously with learning skills and attitudes. But I needed some individual therapy to help me learn how to deal with my emotions that were stirred up by her behaviour. The books are written by Foster Cline.

Are you the mother whose son asked about your dying? If so your son is dealing with an overload of fear and anxiety. He has suffered and is suffering loss. I suspect he is telling you these things about you not loving him because he is afraid of losing you. Sending him away would only make that worse.

I think the most important things to do is to find a way for you to remain calm and able to reassure him in spite of his angry words and actions and at the same time deal with them in a way that lets him know that they are unacceptable. And then to teach him ways to handle his anger that are not hurtful to others as well as himself. That is a big, big job! I wish for you lots of support. And I encourage you by telling you that my daughter and I survived. Growing up was painful but I learned alot about myself and am a better person for it.

As an after thought edication might help both of you and a medical doctor might be able to help with that. I took antidepressents and so did my daughter when she reached the teen years. They really helped me to hang in there.

I empathize with you and your situation.

have you had him tested for Autism? if not you may choose to check with your local county health options, weber has a great one on 25th and Washington, next to the old Radison Hotel and across the street from the park and bus station. Dspd is also in the same bldg. They can offer you help and possible respite care options. another idea, group home care with many companys to choose from, and i have seen personally how great they can do for people with mental and physical challenges, that is how i make my liveing. cindy

oh honey, I'm so sorry! It sounds like you both need a day or so apart. Then maybe he'll realize he misses you and it will make you miss him, too. Do you have anybody that can take your son for a night or 2?

Been there. My husband goes out-to-sea for a living. I have a 14 year old and a 6 year old. My daughter is completely high strung and loud.

I'd suggest, if you can, speak rationally and remind him that he doesn't have a choice. He has to speak to you with respect and if he doesn't there will be consequences. Neither of my kids really cared about toys and time-outs only seems to bother either of them half of the time - but they didn't like it. With my daughter I take away time with her friends. Don't go overboard (which I had to learn not to do) and make the punishment a week. Make it an hour. If he loves reading a story at night - even that could be something he has to earn by treating you with respect.

Hope that helps. Parenting is the toughest job on Earth if you want to raise decent human beings.

If you have a crisis nursery in your town. I think you should use it. Or find someone you trust to watch him. You need a break. In Spokane we have a place called vanessa behan. its to help mothers at the end of there rope. So you dont loose it. Every mom feels it. Unfortunately you have the issues with absent dad. I can relate. Have him write letters on how he feels to his dad. You dont have to send them it just helps with the feelings. Look into counseling for him. And it will get worse before it gets better. Good luck
J.

Check out "Love and Logic" or Directing VIsion Daily" There is a seminar at Bethel Church in Redding on Nov 4 that really helps parents teach kids about responsibility for the relationship. It has been very helpful for me with my two girls. They do have childcare for the seminar which is from 9-12 on Nov. 4.