My 2 Yr Old Whines Constantly, What Should I Do?

This is something my daughter (almost 5yo) seemed to pick up from preschool/daycare. There are two things I do to combat it. The first is, I say in a very calm voice, "Mommy doesn't like whiners" (and, usually I do this in front of my daughter when it's really my husband that is whining - I don't know if he gets that it's really directed at him or not), and when my daughter is crying and throwing a fit about something I tell her crying will NOT get her what she wants, because sometimes it seems that it starts out as crocodile tears. In either case, I try to be calm and supportive, but let her know she definitely will not get what she wants until she can ask nicely (and that sometimes she won't get it at all - not every request is a yes).

Well ,,, you say she is rarely in a miserable mood....Try to reinforce the positive and think of it as a symptom of the terrible 2's and that it will pass... Sometimes the more we make of it the more it becomes.

During a non-stressful, quiet time when our son started this phase, we told him that we could not understand what he was saying when he whined, so he would need to speak clearly without whining if he wanted to be understood. Then we did some practicing, which made him giggle. Then whenever he would whine, we would say, "what? I'm sorry I can't understand you when you whine" and keep repeating it until he would say it in a more normal voice. Whining didn't last very long once he realized he would get a much faster response if he didn't whine at all.

Good luck!

Well... I know you probably don't want to hear this but.. I think alot of it is developmental at this age (so it's good news as far as it'll pass). My daughter went thru it (she's 5 now) and my son is right in the middle of it (he's 3) and I'm sure I'll go thru it again with my next son.. my friend's daughter is 2.5 and she's doing it too. So don't worry, your child most likely will not stay whiney. ;-)

What I did with my first and now with this one, I say, I'm sorry I don't understand that, please use your words. Sometimes I get great results with that request, sometimes I don't. Just stay consistent and ask everyone that has a hand in caring for her to do the same thing. Remember you have to say something to a child over and over and over again (patiently) until they "get" it.

I know it's a difficult stage, but they are only just learning to communicate and need your guidance. It's easy to just say forget it, but they depend on us to learn. You're going to do a great job!!!

p.s. Happy Mothers Day

A great resource for parents of kids 5 & under is the Portable Pediatrician -- my everything-guide for parenting.

The author gives lots of suggestions, many of which are already posted here. One interesting one is to have earplugs which you physically put in your ears while saying, "I can't hear whining." They don't know you can, indeed, still hear. But it's a visual reinforcement that whining will not work.

Good luck to you!
--Wendolyn

I find what works with my kids is saying "please your best voice." You may have to catch her asking in her best voice so that she knows what her best voice sounds like. Tell her you can't hear her unless she uses her best voice. Good luck!

Hi K., I know how annoying whining can be. Your idea of not responding unless she asks nicely sounds good if it works. Do you whine? Or does she hear someone else get their way if they whine? Children usually model after someone. Hope she grows out of this. Not sure if I gave you any advice. Best wishes, Grandma Mary

I have an almost 5 yr old and no matter what I say to her she does not stop whining. I am curious as to what others have to say to you. Maybe it is just a girl thing.

Yes, it's the age! Of course. She's two! Your biggest challenge will be enduring the stage. That said, all kids seem to whine to some extent and at some point in their lives. The best response I've found is: "I don't understand that voice." Try say it calmly until she changes her voice, The best part is that it doesn't use the word "whining," so it avoids the inevitable response down the road: "I'm not whining! I'm CRYING!" Also, be sure to listen to yourself and make sure that you are not whining back at her. (It's easy to do...) They learn from example!

Good luck! And listen to the song by Jamie Broza song called "I'm Terrible." You'll laugh so hard you'll cry.

You must check out this book called "Love and Logic in the preschool years". They only sell the book on their website. www.loveandlogic.com (I think) I have no affiliation with them. It was just SO helpful for me dealing with things like whining.

Hi K.,
I'm sure it's not easy to having to raise your daughter by yourself. I think it's very normal for your daughter to act the way it is. You are the mom and nobody replace your position and you don't want anybody to replace your position. Your daughter is saying, "Love me. You need to make up the time you missed."I think it's important for you not to get emotional because it just creates bad relationship. Be calm and be loving. Don’t be influenced by your daughter's negative outcome. Instead, embrace her with your bright positive attitude. I think it's important to make sure you have good communication with care givers who babysit while you're working. They need to be happy and be happy to take care of your daughter. I know that from my experience of babysitting my friend. Even if they are your friends and family, never forget to be thankful and never take it for granted. I think it is a good idea that you include your daughter's father because she really needs both. I tried in the past the parenting program called S.T.E.P. I give you the site to take a look. http://www.lifematters.com/parenting_help.asp

K.,
have you tried having your daughter go to her room for "whine time"? tell her she can go in her room and whine and when she feels she is done and ready to use her big girl words you would love to have her come and talk to you. i have also used the whine monster, you can tickle her and make the whine monster go away and you can even go as far as opening your front door and have the whine monster leave the house. this may be agame at first because she may enjoy the extra attention but you can tell her that the whine monster needs to go away so you can understand what she wants and needs. I to have an almost 3 year old who loves to whine and so far the whine monster has worked but we are still working on it.

Good luck and I hope your whine monster disappears soon!

E.

Some others have already suggested this but it really does help:

model what you want her to say, in the voice you'd like to hear it: "I want juice please." "I need help." keep it brief, keep it calm, and model it while you're fulfilling the request (if the request is reasonable).

also, try to figure out why the child is whining. is she bored? lonely? tired? taking a minute to yourself to take a deep breath and look at the situation from her perspective might help. if you meet the underlying need, the symptom (whining) might resolve itself. i have a 22 month old daughter and it's tough, but she's really gotten the hang of saying "I need help!" instead of pitching a fit when she's frustrated.

any time she speaks appropriately, be sure to praise her: "I really liked how you used your words to ask me for juice! Here you go!" "Oh, you need help? Sure, no problem, I'll help you! Great job using your words to ask for help!". Enthusiasm goes a long way with kids this age.

Hi K.,
Just wanted to say that I'm right there with you! I think it's the age. My daughter does it too. I try to not focus on the whining and focus on what she is trying to communicate. Even though she is too young to really articulate, I try to help her...I'm hoping she'll get used to that and learn to use her words as she gets older. I try very hard not to go, "oooh, sweetie, blah, blah, blah." and pick her up and cuddle her. I get down on her level, talk to her and if cuddles are needed, of course I do. Otherwise, it is just a hug and I move on. I try not to pay too much attention to it, because she's doing for attention. So, when she gets it, she learns to keep doing it. Rather, if I can focus on what she's trying to tell me then I still meet her needs, but am not reinforcing the whine. It's hard!!!

K.,

My 4 year old still does it sometimes. If any of my children don't ask nicely for something, we respond with, "Nobody in this house responds to "that"/whining/whatever it may be that's unacceptable." It keeps the whining from getting worse because since you aren't ignoring the request, they don't feel like they have to do it louder to get your attention. It also reminds them to ask nicely and yes, you will have to be a broken record. Eventually it will sink in and become the norm but I would just resolve yourself to the fact that it probably won't happen soon. :)

Hugs,
L.

http://APerfectMoment.MyArbonne.com

Whining can really get on ones nerves. I have actually worked with an older women that whined.

I heard this suggestion and believes it works because the situation was presented on "Focus on the Family".

When your child whines, tell her that you can not understand what she is saying when she sounds like that, be consistent and repeat the phrase if necessary.

Don't let your separation from your daughter control the situation.

About Me
I'm 60 years old, married and have raised two sons. I work full time and look forward to retirement in two years.

I can relate somewhat to your situation. I was once a single mom raising a little girl, working and had full family support. She sometimes would whine and act up, but I think it was their way of trying to get our attention. But, what I would do was just sit her down and try to talk to her and explain that it wasn't the way to try to get my attention. All she had to do was to ask me nicely, like: "please get me this or that? " Or, take her out just by ourselves and do what she wanted to do. Or, introduce her tho things you like to do.....getting your nails done together,go shopping or even eat sushi, etc.. Just anything to make her feel like a part of you. It's hard being a single mom you have to be everything to them.....mom, dad and friend.
At two years old, they are smarter than you think. They can understand so much more than we think. Hope, everything goes well.....and HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT MOTHER'S DAY!
Maria

my son is 3 now, and what has worked really well with him is to - ad nauseum, every single time if you can - just follow up her whine-statement with the words you'd like her to use in the voice you'd like her to use. if she doesnt just repeat it like that, you can tell her you will help her with X if she can ask you in a normal voice. i think it helps them to name this behavior (ie: your normal voice / your whiney voice). a huge part of this understanding for my son was when we told him we actually cant understand what he's asking for / telling us about if he's whining.

one thing that also helped tremendously with my son was helping him to take a deep, deep healing / cleansing breath when he gets tightly wound about something. we always do it with him. he can now stop himself from having a big meltdown often (not always). its like having a tool box he can take out this tool from and use it to calm down.

so, depending on the moment, you can say things like "I'm right here to listen to you when you're ready to ask me in your normal voice", "lets take a deep breath and start again so I can understand what you need to tell me" or "You know that I can't understand you when you use a whiney voice, so I am going back to washing the dishes, and when you're ready to tell me something in your normal voice I will be right here to listen".

Most of all, remember that if you are CLEAR and CONSISTENT in your not responding to her whining (while explaining why), she will go through this phase and come out the other side not being a whiney kid!

Good Luck, Mama! My best friend is in a very very similar life situation as yours with her 2 year old daughter, living with mom, single working 2 jobs, ex just came back around... if you would like her email let me know, I know she would love to connect with someone to share the struggle. Stay up!

Hi K. -
Whining is an indicator of "I'm tired" for certain but it only really bothers us moms when WE are tired. At one time in my life, my husband was deathly ill and carried a 106 fever for 14 months straight. It was all I could do with 2 youngsters, a full time job, oh list list goes on - I was a single mom for 2 years while he was sick and going through recovery. It still breaks my heart when I remember my son sitting on the edge of my bed "watching my daddy die". I did not have support, just my phone. He did not die and now 8.5 years later I am back on my feet (finally). So here is my advice -
First - Happy mother's day isn't it such a blessing. Hug your daughter every day.
Second - You must find a girlfriend or mother or sister and go to the movies and dinner - once a month - no daughter allowed
Like me you sound like your career, your child and life in general is so demanding that you are drowning just trying to keep a up with it. Please get out. Time for you is essential to peace of mind. You may be amazed to find that the whining will cease shortly after you go out. I always tell me husband that if mommy goes out and laughs just once a month she can deal with anything.

Our children try so hard to please us. It is not their fault that we are tired and trying to be super mom. We have fallen victim to our society. We feel sorry for ourselves and we are right it is just not fair - BUT it is the hand we are dealt. Please try it. It worked for me. It led me to get a new career, my husband recovered and I have 2 wonderful young adults.

Today, my children are 13 and 15. I spend time alone with each of them and we have a date...we spend time together out of the house on some adventure the three of us...and we as a family of four do things together too. Dinner is "Sunday dinner" in our house every night. I insist on serving bowls and everyone sits together and eats together. You should see what I can do when I serve chicken nuggets and french fries on the platter. Everyone talks and laughs and even as teens they don't run from the table. Oh and lastly, their friends eat over on weekends and love to come to dinner - we all eat together and I laugh so hard.

Goog Luck

I have a winner too! I think it's part of their personality and that's why it's so hard to break. One thing I did with her to decrease the winning is tell her she has to use her nice talking voice, no winning and then I say it the way I want her to say it "Can I please have some juice mommy?". And then I tell her I am not giving her anything unless she asks nicely(and I don't give in). This takes about a month to really work on an everyday basis but my husband and I both do it with her and she caught on fast.