I am at my whitts end and don't know what to do. My 3 and 1/2 yr old has gotten very nasty and mean lately. The problem is, it's not so much what she says, but more the tone she uses when she says it. Its kind of hard to explain exactly what "that tone" is, but, for example, if we are in the car and she tells me something and I ask her to clarify what she said (usually because I just didn't hear it) she gets this really snotty tone to her voice and says something like "Mommy, dont' you listen, I said.....". I'm not sure if she realize that the tone of her voice is really the problem, and that the WAY she says something is just as importan as WHAT she says. I've tried talking to her, that doesn't work. I've tried ignoring her, which really doesn't work because then her tone just gets louder and louder until she is screeching at the top of her lungs. I've tried grounding her. I've even tried th vinigar trick. All of it works for a day or so, then it's right back to the nasty tone and attitute. Please I"m desprate. It's getting to the point I am in tears by the end of the day because I just don't know how to handle it, and I desperately don't want her to be "the mean nasty kid" when she goes to school. Any advice.
PS: I live with my parents who help me raise my daughter and they are VERY resistant to changing their disipline techniques, which is basically ignore it until you can't handle it anymore and then completely freak out on her. So any advice on how to handle them would be greatly appreciated.
She didn't start this on her own. She is hearing it somewhere and parroting the tone/words back at you. Where is she hearing this sort of talking? TV shows? Your parents? A sitter? Her dad? where? Once you figure that out, you (hopefully) can get her away from that sort of influence/example. THEN you will be able to nip the behavior. I hope it isn't your parents... that will be trying for sure...
Try this. and say it sweetly. "I'm sorry honey. I will listen to what you have to say when you say it in a nice voice, like how I am talking to you." If she continues to be nasty try to ignore her or sweetly repeat. Over time she will probably get it.
Sit your folks down and ask them to cooperate. If they won't just do your best to be the role model.
Observing my very sweet 4yo grandson, and many other kids over many years, it seems very likely to me that children come "pre-programmed" with the capacity for certain kinds of responses. Whining, pouting, and explosions of temper are some examples. Also snuggling and giggling. These come quite naturally to all children. Snide, snarky tones of voice are very possibly pre-programmed, too, just waiting for the right set of circumstances to come bubbling forth.
That said, external influences will probably exaggerate any such behavior. Adults are a significant influence, and over time, a child raised in a respectful, well-mannered home will mirror what she sees/hears. And of course a child is more likely to tantrum if she sees other children melting down, especially if there is some reward for their behavior. (Even "punishment" can a reward if it wins some attention the child wasn't getting previously.)
From your description, K., it appears that your reactions to your daughter's behavior are probably a big part of the problem. If she intuits that she has hooked you emotionally, it gives her a sense of power. Now, I don't think children deliberately this young deliberately plan ways to gain power, but when that is the result of any behavior they engage in, of course they'll do it more. Power is very heady to a small child who's pretty much always told what to do and when to do it, with little choice of her own.
So here's what I'd do. Stand in her shoes. Frequently. Look at life from her perspective, and notice all the situations that are truly frustrating, even maddening, for a small person with very little autonomy. Then set about reducing as many of those frustrations as you can.
Be deliberate and open about this, explaining to your daughter that you can see that she needs a little more say in her life. I can almost guarantee that she'll be surprised and grateful. I've seen parents try this and get instant, positive changes in their kids' behavior.
The other thing I'd do is also based in understanding your daughter's frustration, but for your own benefit. If you know she's not really attacking YOU, mommy, but reacting childishly out of her frustration, you can probably realize you don't have to take it personally (might take a little practice). Then her behavior will be just that: what little kids do until they know better.
If you can stop reacting to her tone of voice, even subtly, she'll gradually stop using it. She'll move on to some other experimental behavior instead :-). That's parenting!
first off she's your daughter, YOU should be the primary disciplinarian. living with your parents means you are under their control to some extent, and it doesn't sound like a good environment for your daughter. the nastiness, i guarantee she's hearing it from somewhere. she's not making this up out of the blue. she's hearing someone talk to someone that way. i hate to say it but probably someone has been talking to HER that way. until that is stopped you're not going to have much luck getting her to stop it. everyone needs to be kind and respectful, including her. you can hardly discipline her when the grownups are doing the same thing. think about where she's hearing it. she's going to act how she's taught.
I read some of the other responces and they are a great start but if you feel like you need more help you might want to contact Brandi Davis. She is a child and family coach and is wonderful. Her website is http://www.childandfamilycoaching.com/
Good luck.
... what tv show is she watching? As the others said, she is "parroting" it from somewhere.
When my daughter was in preschool only at, about that same age... there were little girls there who acted this way already & talked like that and even had the full on Hannah Montana backpacks and clothing. The Teachers said they see it all the time... little girls who at such a young age, watching "teen" or preteen tv shows already & acting like that... things like "Hannah Montana", Zack & Cody, Drake & Josh, iCarly, etc.
These shows have TEENS talking in those tones of voices. Little girls, should NOT be watching shows like this. It is their environment or the influences they are exposed too. Sure you can't keep them in a bubble.... but still.
Do your parents watch your daughter? Do they allow her to watch any tv show?
Or, there must be other people that your daughter sees/interacts with and she is catching on real fast... copying, what they do.
Next, you NEED to enforce that you are her Mommy... there is a pecking order... that her behavior will NOT get her what she wants. That she listens to YOU FIRST...
And... perhaps... do your parents talk to YOU in this manner? Your girl may be seeing that and indirectly... causing her to "not" respect you because she sees "your" parents acting like that.
All the best,
Susan
That sounds like my son, he's 3 1/2 as well. Usually my son's tone comes out in frustrations (Because I didn't hear him and he needs to repeat what he said). I tell him, "you don't talk to people that way. I don't speak to you like that, you don't speak to me like that." If he keeps it up. I tell him that when he's ready to talk nicely to me then I will listen. He usually calms down then.
I don't just ignore him, because that would make him more frustrated. I basically expalin that it's a bad behavior and you don't get rewarded for that.
As far as your parents go, that's a tough one. If they both feel that way, it's hard. My mom and dad would watch my son while I worked and I think my mom felt like she had a right to parent my son even when I was around. When I would say something, my mom would get offended. Luckily my dad was on my side, so that helped having him try to explain to my mom that my son wasn't her son and she needed to back off.
On the flip side, sometimes you need them to help in parenting when you are not there, I have just told my parents how I would like things done with my son. Unfortunately, you can't control things when you aren't around.
Good luck...I go through it with my son too. All I can say is be consisent and don't reward her or give her what she wants when she is beign mouthy. She'll get it!
