Dear C.,
Hi! When I read your request, it really went to heart. I first off want to say that I am very sorry for your loss. Its hard to let go of a thing like this, and still hold on to the memory. My suggestion, just to avoid another open wound, would be to tell people that you have two kids right now. You HAD three, and while the one that passed away still lives vibrantly in your heart, you eventually have to realize that your baby is not physically here. Saying that you have three kids probably is a comfort thing, because that creates a warm comfortable place where you want to be. Then, when you explain it, you have to open up the painful side of it, which is what you don't want to do with everyone.
My mom had 5 miscarraiges and lost 1 to still birth. When she would talk about Scottie, the still birth, she would talk about how much she loved him, and how my dad was so excited to teach him how to fix cars, play ball, etc. So, my mom always felt guilty for losing the only boy she was ever knowingly pregnant with. She finally was able to let the guilt thing go. I remember there were times that she didn't want it brought up, and we all respected it. She's never refered to him in the present tense with us though.
I cannot tell you when or how to pull through this, because everyone's situation is so different. Even though he passed away in1998, you have your own process, and it will take its own time healing. It seems you are still having a really hard time with it, so maybe if you could find a support group, maybe some moms in this site even, or talk to a counselor, he/she could help you figure out how to put your baby in the past without feeling like you are letting go, completely. Because the truth is you will never let go of your children. Whether they are here now, were for a few days, or growing in our tummies for just a few months, they are still our babies, and we bond with that the minute we find out we are pregnant.
You are not giving up on your baby when you say you have two children, you clearly loved him/her very much.
If what I said doesn't help, I'm sorry. Its only coming from the perspective of a child who heard her mom talk about it, and from a mommy herself. But, I hope it does, and I will keep you in my prayers,.C.. If you need anything, don't hesitate to email me.
Just an idea.... I go this support group that centers around every kind of problem there is, and we have open discussions where we just talk about what is on our minds. There is no responses, no conversation. Just you talking to other people one night out of the week. Its a safe place to get it out so you can step by step work through it. There is comfort in knowing that you don't have to come up with an answer to the other people, and also in knowing you don't have to take any answers from others. You can heal alot just from talking it out. If you can find a group like that, its the healthiest place I've found, because I am working on myself without leaning too heavily on my friends to solve it for me. While advice is good, I tend to rely on it too often, and then forget to look at myself and how I feel about all of it because I am so focused on everyone elses suggestions.
So, be careful when you take advice to also consider your own thoughts and feelings at the same time.
Best of luck!!!
A.