How Do You Tell a 5 Yr Old and a 3 Yr Old That Their Great Grandfather Died?

Kids, especially in this age group, are not particularly traumatized by death and the passing of a loved one. They are often more of a consolation to the grieving adults.

Just tell them straight out that their great grandfather has died and gone to heaven and that you and daddy are very sad that he will not be able to be with you any more. Then listen to what they have to tell you and answer their questions as simply and lovingly as you can.

My 4 1/2 year old granddaughter has detailed memories and stories of her great grandmother who passed away two or three years ago. She never realy knew her, but her other grandmother talks about her all the time.

There is a great book by Maria Shriver that she wrote after her grandmother died to answer all the questions her children asked. It talks about the funeral and heaven. My mom passed away a year ago and it was helpful to my daughter.

First of all I'm sorry for your lost!
I'm all about being honest, I'm not sure what your beliefs are, I'm of christian belief. My kids were older than yours when my grandmother past away. It was the day before my son's birthday, which really was horrible for him. I told them she had been sick and has went home to Jesus.
God bless you during this time!

My heart goes out to you & your family.
Unfortunately, my husband & I have had to have three conversations with our son, who will be 5 in June, about death, since last September.
We are also a Christian family; in my experience God puts the words you need in your heart. Coming from a family that didn’t go to church regularly, we have gotten our son involved w/AWANAS and I have found that it has helped us with discussing death with our son.
In September we lost our nephew, he would have been 3, two days later. We know we needed to tell our son that he passed because he would expect to see him at Thanksgiving. Our nephew lived in Louisiana so he didn't see him as much as he would if he was local, but he still knew Owen. We did not take him to the funeral or the Family Luncheon afterwards. We did share with him that his cousin drowned and we discussed how important it is to watch where you go and what you do. He surprised my husband & I in telling us that Owen was in heaven with Daisy (our dog that passed away a year earlier) and that when we go to the cemetery to visit (my in-laws who passed 3 and 8 yrs ago) he wanted to bring Owen a nightlight so he wasn't scared of the dark.
Talking to our son about my parents deaths (in October, then in February) was a little easier because they lived in Illinois so our son didn’t see them as often. We did share with him that his Grandma & Grandpa's hearts were 'sick' and we discussed how important it is to 'listen' to our bodies when we don't feel like 'normal'.
Occasionally, our son will ask questions or tell us that he loved his Cousin and Grandma and Grandpa, or that he had been thinking of them, but then he seems to always end the conversation with ‘I will see them again someday.’
Just be open to their questions and answer them with love and I'm sure you will do great.

I hope my experience helps and that I made sense.
Good luck &my thoughts are with you,
Debbie

I'm so sorry for your loss and appreciate what a sensitive mom you must be. I'm sure both your kids already have a favorite story book, right? Pick out both books and have them sit in your lap. Then after reading them, tell them that just like in story books, people's lives have a beginning, middle and end too. ALL stories have to come to an end. If you have pictures to show of when Great Grandpa was little and then old, as well as pictures of YOU as a baby and then as a girl and then as a grown-up, that would illustrate the beginning, middle and end themes, too. If they're like my kids, they LOVED the ends of their favorite books (like Goodnight Moon with the room all dark and the bunny sleeping). Tell them the story wouldn't be as good without a beautiful ending, too. Good luck!

I lost my dad almost 3 years ago and my kids where 3 and 7 when he passed away. We just told them pappa went to heaven to be with Jesus. My youngest is now 6 and still talks about pappa being in heaven with Jesus. It's not easy for them to process grief. My mom told me at that time children don't grieve like adults do. A lot of times they will not really grieve about it till they are a little older. Good luck and may God bless you and your family in your time of grief!

When my husband's grandfather passed away, we had the daunting task of telling our 3 year old that 'Papa Rose' was not going to be arround any more.

As a christian family, we just took the most honest and simple way out. We told him that he was going up to heaven to be with Jesus. He understood that and it seemed to be ok with him. ( at 3 yearls old, heaven is really just a place that we tell him about, but it is no different than some place just out of the state becuase he's still too young to get the whole concept) Later a few times he has asked where his Papa Rose was, and we just reminded him that he was in heaven with Jesus and he just says, Oh yea, ok, and moves on. Only once did he ask why, and we told him that Jesus picks only the most special people to come live with him and Papa was so special that Jesus picked him; we cant visit him, but we can talk to him in our prayers just like we talk to Jesus. He seemed to really grasp that and accept that.

Honesty is definately the best policy and keep it simple.

Hope this helps. I am sorry for your loss. I is never easy no mater what your age.

God Bless,
S. B

I believe YOUR attitude toward the loss of your MIL will certainly carry over to your children. Death is part of Life, and the sooner children learn about it, the better they are able to cope when it happens. As hard as it seems, one should have joy for the loved one who has gone to be with the Lord. My mother taught me that from the time I was 2. She talked about heaven, read to me from the Bible about it, and by the time I was 18, I had lost 3 grandparents and one uncle. Then at 19 I lost her. What she had taught me about dying and eternity gave me the strength to cope. I taught my children the same way. I took them to funerals, let them ask any questions, and they grew up with assurance that God knows best how long we should live and when it is time to go to our real "home."
As for your husband, let him talk about his mother as much as he wants to because talking really has a theraputic effect.

I would be honest - without a lot of detail.

When mine were about the same ages, I told them that their Grandfather had gone to Heaven. My 5yo (at the time) said "You mean he DIED??" My kids are often way smarter than I give them credit for! LOL!

So yeah, they get it, and they were (and still are) satisfied with the Heaven explanation, even reminding me when my uncle passed recently that Grandpa and our dog Jake were there to look out for him from now on.

Simply tell them that he went to live with God and we will see him when we get to heaven. If you have raised them in a Christian home they should be able to grasp that concept even at their young age.

Dear H.,
What we told my grandchildren when their Grandpa died that he went to be with Jesus and they were ok with that and understood. In fast when someone would say something about he died, my little grandson would say he had to go be with Jesus.Hope this is a help.
Good luck and God Bless
J. G

I am so sorry for your loss.

Although we haven't lost anyone close while they have been on this earth - I talk to my kids all the time about going to heaven to be with Jesus. We lost my mother in law before my daughter's birth and we talk about her being in heaven and us being able to see her again. As believers in Christ we will reunite one day. We miss them here on earth but they are waiting for us.
I don't know if this helps but my kids seem to grasp it better than probably I did as an adult.
I will pray for your family

This is one of those topics that is great to have as an on-going discussion. Don't feel like you have to tell them everything they need to know in one conversation! As with other things, you will want to provide the basic truths for them in a manner that fits your child and your family.

Here is what I've learned with my daughters thus far:

I had an uncle die (we were very close) from pancreatic cancer when my older daughter was 3-1/2 and the younger was only 5 months old. We all went to his funeral, and talked about how him, sharing stories and time together. A year later a very close friend of mine also died of pancreatic cancer, and we had many more talks about death and dying. (My children did not go with me to the funeral because I needed time and space to grieve without worrying about what they were doing and might need, and I wanted to be fully available to my friend's children in any way they needed.)

One thing that surprised me, was to hear my daughter say one day (seemingly "out-of-the-blue" when we were talking about Jesus): "Mommy, we don't like Jesus, right?!" Wondering where and how I had gone wrong, I asked, "Why do you say that, Darlin'?" She said, "Because He takes away the people we love." Ack. I took a deep breath, and told her that I was very glad that she told me, because that is not how it is at all! I went on to explain that God created us and our real home is with Him, and not in these bodies. We talked about how we have fun when we go out, but it is always nice to come home, and that it is even more true of Heaven. As much as Mommy and Daddy love you, God loves you EVEN MORE, so that when our bodies die, Jesus is waiting to welcome us home!

We don't like watching our loved ones hurt, and in Heaven there is no more hurt or sadness. So death is a very good thing for the person who died, but sometimes those of us who are still on earth miss getting to see and touch and talk with the person who died, and it is okay to be sad and miss him/her, but it is also important to remember that we will see all our loved ones again one day, and what a happy day that will be.

My girls are now 6 and 9, and recently my almost-95-y-o grandmother died. Sometimes we'll look at her artwork and talk about things we remember about her, and that we miss having her around. Then we talk about how much fun she is having in Heaven now with her Lord, whom she loves so much, and getting to see her brothers and sisters, her husband, her parents, and everyone she loves, and surely she's dancing and so happy not to be confined in a body that doesn't work well anymore.

All the best to you as you move through your grief. I pray that it is a time of growth and healing for your family.

Hi, H. - I am so sorry you've had a death of a family member.

My dad died very unexpectedly four years ago this April, and my oldest daughter was not quite 3 1/2 years old. I was very honest with her but didn't give too much detail. We are Christians, also, and since we believe that "real" life begins when we leave this one, we were comfortable with being straightforward about death. I don't remember the details of how we explained it, but it went along the lines that Pappy's body had just worn out - we weren't made to live forever - and so his body was finished with life, but his spirit now lives in heaven with God. We took her to the visitation to say goodbye to Pappy, leaving it up to her to choose to walk to the casket with me to actually see him. We explained that this was a time for people who loved Pappy to say goodbye, and that the funeral was kind of like a special party to celebrate his life. The funeral was the next day, and it was a simple graveside affair in the country (in Arkansas where his family cemetery is). It just wasn't a big deal to her, although seeing me cry was a little tough for her. My family doesn't show lots of emotion outright, so apart from some soft crying and just general sadness, that was all she saw or heard.

A year later, my mom died, also unexpectedly, and we did the same thing. Since then, we have lost two dogs and a fish, so she and my younger daughter (age 4) are becoming very familiar with the concept of death. The fact is, it is a part of life, and rather than confuse a child with made-up stories or denial, I think it is healthy and helpful to be honest, but to keep it age appropriate. You will be able to judge what your children can handle (although they may surprise you and be able to handle even more than you think!). I wish you the best, and God's grace and peace to all of you.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your family member. My Children had just turned 4 and 7 when their paternal grandfather and uncle died. Their uncle had lived with us for the last 4 months of his life. They were aware that they were very ill and we had been preparing them. We told them that they had gone to live with God in Heaven. That they are no longer ill and they are very happy. We also tell them that it is ok to miss them, but to remember that even though we can not see them, that they can see us. We believe that our loved ones are watching over us because they have not forgotten us. It really helps my now 9 year old when she is sad. I ask her where they are and what they are doing and that makes her happy to think that they are watching over her and want to see her happy and having fun with her friends.

My grandmother passed away October a year and a half ago. I explained to my boys, 5 & 3 at the time that she went to heaven and was with Jesus. I let them know that she was with the angels in heaven and watching us now. I told them how much she loved them and that she was tired and was ready to go home to be with Jesus. I was very honest about it, and let them ask questions. At the funeral I allowed them to giver her a kiss and touch her if they wanted to. They drew her a picture and placed it in the casket. I let them know that when they were looking at her that it was just her body. There was nothing in her anymore. She was in heaven. I know some think it may be odd to let your kids touch a deceased person, but if they want to and know that that person isn't there anymore, I don't see the harm. I would rather them be comfortable with seeing them than being terrified of a deceased person. I'm sorry for your loss. God bless you as you figure out how to tell them.

We lost my MIL when our daughter was 3. Her grandmother was her world and the sudden loss was hard on everyone. We choose to tell her Magaw moved to Heaven. She lives with Jesus now. Heaven is a special place with lots of love and fun, it is so special you can only move there when Jesus tells you it is time. Once you move to Heaven, you cant come back, and we cant go there just yet. I started with Magaw moved to Heaven and the other answers came as a result of her questions.

We used the same words when we lost my grandmother two years ago. My then two year old, understood enough to know she was gone, but that was about all. My then 5 year old helped me to answer questions for her sister based on what she remembered from her first loss.

She did not go to the funeral, but she was at the family gathering afterwards.

We also recently lost a three month old baby cousin in our family. They brought in case workers to talk with the brother and sisters of the baby. The case workers told them, all people get sick. For most people, their brain makes them better it fixes what it wrong. Sometimes though, the brain is not strong enough to fix what is sick and then you die. When you die, you go to Heaven.

Your family is in our thoughts and prayers.

We just went through the same thing with my Dad who died March 4th. My grandchildren are 15, 11, 5(almost 6), 4 and almost 19 months.
They have been told about how we use this body on earth and when we die, we get a new body and live with Jesus in heaven. That when we die we are immediately in the presence of the Lord if we have trusted Jesus as our Savior. But when they are that young, explaining that we can remember them in our hearts and then see them again someday and then tell losts of wonderful memories as the days go by and try to be cheerful about it so they won't wonder why everyone it too sad. Yes, we miss them and are sad they are no longer with us, but it is a happy time to be with Jesus. I hope this helps.
Be sure and let them go be with all the family at the viewing and funeral and grave side service. My nieces did not do that with their grandmother´s death (my mom in 2005) and they regreted it later. This time with my Dad they brought them, ages 9, 11 and 8 and it was just fine. Each one accepts it a different way and grief is part of life. My son at age 4 went to his great grandaddys and was very sure about the whole thing. He told others that that was just the shell he lived in and now he was in heaven with mamaw and Jesus and not to be sad.
Attending all of it helps put closure on it.

It seems like it would depend on how close they were to him - if not very, I would tell them that 'insert name for him here' went to wait for Jesus last night. If they were very close, I'd probably plan more time for questions at the end, or looking at pictures.

Why not tell them he went to heaven? Um - because he didn't, according to what I read and have been taught. The Bible states that there will be a time of tribulation so great that if it were not cut short there would be no human life left on the planet. But for the elect's sake he will come back and establish a victory over Jerusalem's enemies and set up a thousand year kingdom here, with the saints to rule over the nations.

Good luck
S.

I am so sorry for your loss and your family's loss. I just lost my grandfather not two weeks ago. I'm 32 so I've been blessed to have both my grandparents this long. My child is almost 2 and was just getting to know his great grandpa. I don't have to explain it to him because he is too little, but we did let him say "Bye Bye Papaw" at the graveside, when the casket was open.
You got alot of good responses so this might seem very simple and not as good as some of those but the simple ones seem to work best with little ones. Telling them his body had just lived such a wonderful and long life that it was just so tired. Another Mom said this sort of same thing. Letting them know that we are not meant to live forever is the truth. Also if you want to add in the going to live with Jesus thing that is great too, but sometimes little ones have a hard enough concept with Jesus and God. If your grandmother has passed or the children have ever had a puppy or fish or some type of pet die, you can always let them know that their great grandpa is in heaven (or whereever you choose to say)with the puppy or kitty or you get my point. That way, they have a reference point with the animal or the person who has passed and it might make a little bit more sense to them. Basically, it will be tough, but in the end if you are ok, they will see that and they will be ok. Kids take so many cues from us and then they will ask the questions that are relevant to them and their curiosity will be satisfied. Hope this helps, even if only a little.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. This is such a hard concept to grasp for little kids (even for us adults it can be hard!!). There's a center in Fort Worth called the Warm Place, and they have some resources on their website. Check this out--it gives info on what kids can comprehend at different ages...

http://www.thewarmplace.com/Portals/5/pdf/childrens_under...

Best wishes to your family. How lucky they are to have such a thoughtful and caring mama!

My daughter was a little shy of three years old when my husbands grandmother passed. I googled it on the internet and found a website from a hospice place. It basically said tell as little as possible, and let them ask you questions. When they ask the questions answer them, but sometimes we tend to give more information than their minds can process at the time. It also said not to tell them that he got sick and died, or that he fell asleep and never woke up, that he was old, or that he has "left" us. All of these things can make them scared thinking that on your next birthday (or theirs) that you will die, if you get sick you die, or afraid to sleep because they are afraid that they will not wake up.

We just told our daughter that Mom Mom had died, we were prepared for questions but there weren't any (surprisingly). Then a few days later, I guess after she processed it, she asked why she died, where she went, etc. We explained then that she was living with Jesus and that she died because Jesus wanted her to be with him now. She seemed to be ok with that answer so we left it at that. On occasion she will ask questions but not very often.

Good luck, and I am sorry for your loss.

Our girls were about the same age when their great grandfather passed away. We had to explain it numerous times and we still get asked questions about it and it occurred almost two years ago. We explained that he was very sick and Jesus wanted him to come home so he could get better. We explained that there is no sickness in heaven and Jesus really missed their Papaw and wanted him to come home. We also explained that now he is not sick and he is able to run, laugh and dance around with Jesus. This seemed to make his death a "pleasant" experience in their mind. Hope this helps.

We told my daughter that her grandfather went to heaven to be with God. We did not use the word "sick" since everyone gets sick once in awhile, we used the word "ill". That way we could differentiate between truly ill and just sick. It has been almost 4 years and we still get questions occassionally. I am so sorry for your loss.

that is a tough one. I am very sorry got your loss. i really don't iknow how to explain that myself. If there is a open casket. aaaai said this to my daught when she was 4 when my mom died of cancer. she asked what she was in. I told her it was grandma's for ever bed and she was ok with that and said she had a very pretty bed. maybe yoy can tell the 5 yr. old atht grandpa was sick and wanted to go to heaven , so he can look down and see them and also at night take t5hem outside and have them look for a bright star that makes them feel good looking at it and tell them thats grandpa looking after them. that helped my daughter. she's 25 now with a baby girl and at night they go outside to find that special star.

Hi H.,
My thoughts are with you and your family. It's hard to figure out what to tell your little ones when someone dies. My "daughter" lost three relatives at a very young age, 1 yr and 2 yrs old. We explained to her that her uncle, papa, and another uncle had gone to heaven to be with Jesus. It was really hard for her to understand that death was a permanent thing (she later received pictures of her papa and thought he had come back from heaven). It was so heart breaking to try to explain that once someone goes to heaven, they stay there. In all of their cases, they were really sick (cancer, heart attack). So, we explained to her that they had lived long and happy lives and that it was just time for them to go. We did not allow her to go to the viewings or the funerals though. We felt that she was way to young and seeing someone in a casket is sensory overload (even for some adults). Now she is 10 and I feel she is old enough to make the choice. You just need to try to be as honest as possible and try to make sure that you share with them that you are very sad because you will miss them, but know that Jesus will take very good care of them. I wish you the best of luck and am sincerely sorry for your loss. May God comfort you and your family as you deal with this transition.
M.

Heaven is a beautiful thing. It's warm, loving, free of worries and free of pain. Children understand better than we give them credit for and they all love the stories of Heaven.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep it simple and don't discuss the big things about his death with them. If they were close, they might wonder where he is. Repeat "in Heaven".

My six year old son had to deal with the death of our pet. The first answer was okay, he accepted Heaven. Then the second day he asked, "Okay mom, so when is Sally coming home?" I had to repeat, "She's in Heaven and Heaven is permanent". He was very sad and that was okay but kids are pretty resilient and go on.
~~~~~~~~~
They just need to be sure you or daddy is not going anywhere. A little reassurance here is good too.

Sorry to hear of your loss. C

Hi H.!

I didn't get to read all the comments, but we just went through this last week with my 8 yr old and 5 yr old for their Great Grandma. I talked to them separately because of their ages. I told my 5 yr old that Great Grandma went to live in Heaven last night...then he talked a little about her...then I told him that God decided it was time that she come to Heaven to live with Him and Jesus. THEN, he was shocked and said "Jesus is dead too"...which started another conversation! :o) (Made me realize, that is a hard concept for kids to grasp since we talk about Jesus here and in our hearts etc.) Anyway, I kept it simple and he was OK with it all. He was close to Great Grandma also.

THEN we had to decide about how to handle the funeral - take the kids or not - we took them and I am sooooo glad we did! My 5 yr old was very sweet and really seemed to have a closure for him when it was all over. He told her goodbye, talked about her some, he even brought a peace and comfort to everyone around him...he made it a good memory for the family :o). However, I think this part depends on the child...my 8 yr old is not as comfortable with everything as my 5 yr old was...she was a bit more nervous.

Kids can really surprise you in what they say and do. I would just keep it simple and you'll be surprised with how well they will do.

God Bless you and your family....so sorry for your loss!
A.

I was in a similar situation 5 Years ago when my grandfather passed away. My boys were about the same age also. I just told them, no big words or long explanation. Just keep it simple. As a Christian you can reinforce your beliefs at this time by telling them that GGramdpa has gone to heaven. I think letting them know that he is in heaven makes it easier to understand, better than trying to explain than "he's gone". My kids still talk about him and will even pray for him sometimes. I'm blessed that my grandmother is still here so they still have her to build a bond with. Which I think has helped.

But back to basics keep it simple and always be available to let them express their feelings.

Best of luck my prayers go out to you and your family.

H.,

I know this is a hard thing for any family to go through, but with your faith in Christ you should be filled with peace and joy for your grandfather who is in a MUCH better place! I think the key is to keep is simply and positive. Death is something that people see as a bad thing, and while we are sad because we have lost a loved one, if that person believed in Jesus, then we should be happy that they are in heaven with their Lord and Savior.
I think the best thing is to explain that everyone has a special time to meet their Maker and it was great-grandpa's special time. He moved from this world to his forever home with Jesus and one day, when our special time comes, we will also meet our Maker and live with great-grandpa and Jesus forever.
I hope this helps and I will say a prayer for you and your family.

When my father-in-law passed away, a friend gave us the book Upstairs Nana, Downstairs Nana from Tomie dePaola. It really helped her a lot. Our daugther was almost 5 at the time. Your 5 year old will understand some; the 3 year old probably not at all. We also talk about our father-in-law so that the others can get to know him through our stories. For a long time, when we talked about him our oldest would cry, but she's 13 now and is over that part. Amazingly, though, she says that her memories of him are still very clear. Good luck.