Long story short, I have a "friend" that just lost her 3 mo old son to SIDS. Our daughters have played together a few times. My daughter will still ask for the girls' name that she played with and remembers the child's baby brother. We haven't seen them since the baby was first born. Having just found out tonight the baby died earlier today. How do I now explain to my 3 almost 4 year old that her friend's little brother died? My daughter loves to try to knit, crochet or sew things with my mom, even though it's child's play, she always tells my mom it's for "Chloe's baby brother." Since we don't see these friends very often do I let it go and wait til we see them again, or do I confront her a head of time? Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks.
Borders. Barnes and Noble. For sure they have books on the subject for kids.
Ask a pastor/priest/rabbi.
You have some great suggestions for a difficult situation. The only thing I would add is something I saw done at a funeral for a kindergardener. All the kids released ballons, just like the child was "released" and went to heaven. It's a visual that helps the child relate. The balloon doesn't come back, but it's in a better place. I think it's important that kids learn at an early age that everyone will die and we don't know when. Most important for them to know that it is not in our control and not to worry about it.
Tell her the truth, that Chloe's little brother died. Do NOT use euphemisms (sp) as they may make her scared (ie: he's sleeping in heaven she may be afraid to sleep; he's lost she may want to help Chloe find him etc.) Dead means he is gone and won't come back. This left a BIG owie (pain) on Chloe and her parents and they will be very sad. Talk about your beliefs on after death (heaven etc.) as to where the baby's soul is.
Please give your friend my prayers and tell her about SANDS (Stillbirth and Neo Natal Death Society) or Tommorow's Child (SIDS society). You may want to write a note so that they can read it (or not) when they want to.
Dear C.,
I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. That must be devastating.
I've found that young children can be very accepting of situations like this. I think it's because they're so innocent, and willing to be led by you. My children love to talk about heaven. We talk about how some people we know are in heaven, and it's wonderful for them, even though it's sad for us. We also talk about how God doesn't want bad things to happen, but when they do, He makes sure that good things come out of it.
If you wish, here are some nice teachings about the afterlife for you to read: www.newchurch.org/about/beliefs/lifeAfterDeath.
I hope this is helpful. I wish you all the best as you get through this difficult event.
L.
Hi C..
How awful. My heart goes out to your friend. When my inlaws died. (both my mohter in law and father in law died with in 18 months of each other) I told my daughter (she was 3) that a good thing and a sad thing happened. I told her that grandma died and went to heaven with Jesus. That this was very good because in heaven you are always happy and Jesus is there. That there is never any hurt or pain and everyone is friends. That sad thing is we won't be able to see grandma any more and we will miss that a lot. I told her how daddy and others will probably be really sad for a long time cause it hurts their hearts not to have her here to hug and love. But we have to remember that heaven is the best place and when we get sad try to remember that. ALso that it is ok to talk about that person because their life when they were here was important. This seems to work ok for her age.
I hope that helps.
R.
a friend of ours also just lost their son in a dirt bike accident he was 6, my daughter had played with him a few times she was up north with her grandma for 2 weeks when he passed and we decided not to tell her untill she came home because we didn't want her to be too upset and she wasn't going to the funeral anyways so we felt there was no need to tell her right away.
she is 5 and has had great grandparents die so she knows about heaven, and she would tell me that she was praying for our friend who had died.
i would tell her before you see your friends again so she doesn't ask them where the baby is.
My heart goes out to your friends family, that's really tough. As far as explaining it to your daughter, I find that honesty works best (I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter myself). When we lost someone that we loved, we explained to her that God wanted another angel so he took my grandmother to go live in heaven. That way, she can always look our for us, and she'll always be with us. We also explained that people don't come back from heaven, and we can't go visit (beacuse those seem to be popular questions). We also told my daughter that Gran is happy in heaven, because God makes it very special there.
Personally, I would approach the subject with your daughter now, and again before she plays with her friend again.
I hope this helps, and I'm so sorry for this difficult time.
There is a book at Family Christian stores that will help your daughter understand about death and also tips in the back for adults to explain it to children. Whatever you do, don't tell your child they are just sleeping!! this will cause sleep problems for your own child!
I explained it this way to my 6 year old. Maybwe this could help you. Jesus looked around his beautiful garden in heaven and found an empty spot that he needed to fill with some one VERY SPECIAL. He Chose (baby's name) because he is special. We will miss him very much. But he is happy and safe playing with other very special people his garden.
I hope this helps a little. Death is very hard to explain.
I am a mom with 3 boys 14 yrs, 6 years and 6 months. I used this story very recently with the loss of a their grandparent also.
