Parenting Dilemma

Look up parallel parenting. You may not be able to coparent with someone who has none of the same values and goals. She may be frustrated and she may not always want to talk to you, but rather than bash her dad, talk to HER about HER choices and why she wants to make those choices and does she really feel that those choices will help her attain goals? Put it in HER head that she will have a better life if she does x and y.

My mother could have written this post. My father was like this with my brother and I when we were kids. He was a member of a motorcycle club and we witnessed many interesting things. We had some great times , but we also earned a lot about how NOT to behave. The best thing you can do, and what our mother did, is to demand respect of your rules when your kids are with you. What happens with dad is out of your control, but if you raise your kids with principles and morals they will keep those lessons. And they WILL respect you for it. Just make it very clear that your rules are different than his and there will be no negotiating. Then stick to your guns. My brother and I are now both in our 40's raising our own children. Both of us respect our mother for the way she kept us grounded and while we have a relationship with our father he is not someone we would go to for advice or for anything of any importance. And for what it's worth I did move close to my dad when I was 20. I lived in the apt underneath his. I thought it would be so great and a party all the time. The reality was it wasn't. The life I lived then got old really fast. It was very hard and very exhausting. I left when I was 23, but I learned a lot in those 3 years being a part of that world and I came out of it stronger that I ever thought I could be. Your daughter is telling you what is happening, that means she trusts you with it. Trust her too, she sees more than you realize.

Really at this point all you can do is model good behavior and hold her to the standards that you set in your house and not worry about what happens when she's out and about. You have to trust that she will use good judgement when she's not with you...that's what parenting is ultimately all about.

FWIW, I think that many people would agree with your ex regarding concerts. I went to many hard rock/grunge/heavy metal concerts in high school and certainly didn't have parents with us! My mom accompanied us in middle school but once we were in high school, we were free to see whoever we wanted to see as long as we could afford the tickets ourselves. Sure there were many people in the crowd drinking, high, scantily clad, etc. but that doesn't meant that *I* was doing that.

Perhaps you can try to reframe these difference not as bad choices but as opportunities for you to get out of your comfort zone (always a good thing, there is no growth in your comfort zone) and for your daughter to learn to exercise good judgement and prove that she is responsible and trustworthy even when she's not under your watchful eye. Have some faith in the job you've done raising her.

I was reading Amy J.'s response and she seems to understand completely. You need to keep your own rules firm and you can't really do anything about what happens with his visitation. Unless you have proof. All you can do is reestablish your good values over and over and let her know why they are important.They do get it. Really. It's just sometimes sad because it's such a different lifestyle. And they do it because they can.

She's old enough to be making her own decisions in many areas. She needs to do this so when she fails miserably you'll be there to help her learn why she had these consequences.

When she's with dad it's dad's time and you can't tell him what he can or cannot do. If he is breaking the law by taking her to things that are restricted then you can petition the courts to limit him. Otherwise you need to back off and let her do this stuff when he's there. If you show her good choices and try to help her see why you have rules you might get through but it won't show up until she's much older.

I think, as a parent, that you might want to step back and make a list of your rules. Look at them objectively. Please consider letting some of them go. She's old enough to make some grown up choices.

Suzyque,

Your ex-husband is being a friend and not a parent.

You need to get on the same page with each other - that means compromise and going to parenting classes so that you don't end up grandparents within the next year.

Don't bad mouth your ex-husband.
Ask your daughter WHY she feels these things are acceptable.

Your ex-husband and you need to have a serious discussion and if means an arbitrator from the courts need to be there - so be it.

Sixteen is not too young for concerts - although - if the 16 year old is immature, then yes, it's too young. I was going to concerts as a freshman in high school. However, I was a responsible teen who didn't want to lose my parents trust. I knew one mistake could take it all away.

You need to communicate with your daughter. You need to model the behavior you expect from her. Tell her what you expect and your hopes for her...however...keep in mind that YOUR hopes may not be HER hopes. You need to know what your daughter wants out of life and how she plans on getting there.

Right now - all of this is fun for her. It's like the breaking the rules. Unfortunately, one day it will backfire...it could be that she might end up pregnant or raped. She's not being taught responsibility or how to be careful by your ex-husband. It's all fun and games.

I would STRONGLY suggest that you get into counseling with your daughter. Find a therapist that works with adolescents and make sure you are ALL on the same page with what you expect to happen with the counseling...you aren't there to be your daughter's best friend. You are there to guide and lead her...be her mentor. But you NEED to learn to communicate with each other...

Good luck!

My daughter understood that her dad and I didn't have the same rules. At Daddy's house, she lived by Daddy's rules. At my house, she lived by my rules. Once she was grown, she was free to make her own rules.

At 16 it is time for you to begin to start the transition into adulthood. Afterall she will be 18 in 2 years. Going to concerts is fun. Since she isn't in your home when she is attending these concerts, you don't have a say.

I would find a group or artist you can stand behind and take her to see them in concert. I remember going to my first concert at 13. I still enjoy concerts but the groups and music I enjoy most isn't anything crazy.

The deal is she gets to choose what kind of lifestyle she wants to live and lead. She also gets to learn about consequences for actions. If you have done your role right and well she won't stray far from all the good values she learned from you. Heck I was a PARTY GIRL for about 2 years straight. When I say party girl I mean I was dancing at various night clubs most with DJ's some with live music. I was out of the house six nights a week. Monday night was my night off. After the regular clubs closed at 2am, I would go to the afterclub spots which didn't close until 6am. I was home by 7am and at work at 8:30 am. It was a hard life but fun. I had some great times. My mom never complained she just told me to keep my head straight and I did just that and some of those clubs were notorious. LOL.

Instead of making comments why not find out where her head is in all of this. It would probably be a better use of your time and relationship with your daughter. The good thing is she still talking with you. If she asks your opinion give it. If there is anything dangerous going on, you may consider going to court and having the visitation/custody changed but since she is 16, she will get a say in court about what she wants.

Is there any possibility at all that your ex would go with you to family counseling? I don't know if this is possible, but it might make all the difference. When he fights you on this, tell him that you fear that she will end up a pregnant teenager and this is something you two need to talk about with a counselor. You could also tell him that if she ends up pregnant, she will have to live with him. Maybe he'll rethink his position and go to counseling with you...

Your ex is trying to be a "friend" to your daughter. It' a shame. It's a big world out there and he is not preparing her for the seedy, unsafe side.

There is nothing you can do about it when she moves in with him. However, right now you need to work WITH her. Give her SOME freedoms, but attach some real responsibilities to those freedoms. If you don't, she will fight you tooth and nail and try to move in with him earlier.