Overwhelmed - Redford,MI

Best quote ever..."A Clean House is a Sign of a Misspent Life."

As annoying as cliches are...this too shall pass. I am right there with you and have given up on spotless and just strive for clean underwear and the ocassionally meal that requires something more than heating up or adding water ;).

I frequently tell my husband "I am SO TIRED of being THE MOM."

The mom is the glue...and sometimes I wish I didn't have to be the one that holds it all together.

We all feel the same way. My kids are 5,4& 2 and I finally told my husband that I could not do this alone and that hr could either chip in or pay for a cleaning lady. I got the cleaning lady.

It sounds like you are suffering from depression and you are aware of it. My suggestion is contact your health insurance and find out who is a sycologist you can go talk to thats covered by the insurance. DO NOT go on any depression drugs just go to them to talk out things that aile you. Go to them and talk to them about thinks that make you feel anxious or depressed and let them give you insight to help you feel better i have been going for almost 5 years and not one time period have i been on nay drugs. if talking to someone can't help you than seek maybe a small perscription but be very clear when you go in you don't want to be drugged you want to just be able to come in and talk. so they understand right from the beginning. Don't be embarressed for asking for help. Its normal with haviong children and especially little littel ones also maybe you need to say hey i am not in this by myself you helped create them too i need your help to your husband. Quit letting him have his feedom. We all want me time but do we get it. Also your hubbie doesn't know whats going on in your head. so you need to sit him down and let him know how your feeling and what your thinking otherwise hes clueless they normal are.

You have children at ages that need their parents to protect them. The house, unless it has bugs, dont need your attention as your children look to you for the attention. If both of you are working it should be 50/50. One load of wash per day...buy easy dusters to wipe while you play and take care of kids....make your Saturday mornings a time for both of you to do housework. This worked for me when I was working...I got so fed up with doing everything I made a chart with my husbands name and mine and I put it up on the refrigerator. Some men need to see chores in writing to know what to do...pathetic huh :) If your a SAHM....schedule 1 hour in the morning for cleaning and that's it! Don't be depressed as it rubs off on your kids...they need to see a mother smiling...it scares them when they dont. We put them in this world....we have to show them that love and care and security comes from us....we can't scare our children with our moods. Sometimes I lock myself in the closet and let out a cry once in awhile where the children can't hear me....my mother always said to let out a cry and you will feel better...she also said to force yourself to smile....it works...you actually do feel better. If your husband doesn't help out....then there is no need to wash HIS dirty clothes...."Honey, I haven't had the time to take care of someone who can take care of themselves!" As far as depression pills...be very careful with them....they have made my depression worse or I would walk around the house like a zomby...not to mention how you feel when your driving your kids around...scary. Good luck honey! Your not alone...

You sound a lot like how I've been feeling. It doesn't help that your husband isn't helping. Doesn't he realize it's his responsibility too? He helped bring the kids into this world, so he needs to help with them. Does he see how overwhelmed you are? Have you tried talking to him? If so, how does that go? Unfortunately we can't change others, only ourselves. I'm trying to do the same. Change things up for yourself. Start demanding him that he helps. If I were you, I would stop concerning yourself with all his stuff (if you do his laundry, cook him dinner, etc) and just concentrate on you and the kids. Once he notices and says something then you say to him, well I have tried to tell you that I need help around here and since that hasn't sunk in, I have to let certain things go. Since you are an adult and can do these things yourself, that's what I have decided to stop doing. I know a bit harsh but I couldn't think of how else to put it but you get the idea. But number one thing you need to do is get some "me" time! Go out once a week or something just by yourself. Even if it's just to take a drive. You need a break. Your children need a happy, calm, well adjusted mom. You aren't able to give them that in this state of mind. Get some good quality time for yourself and talk to your husband. Good luck!!!

When my kids were that age I got a cleaning woman to come in once a month -- just enough to do the heavy duty cleaning, and allowing me to relax knowing it would be clean at least once a month.

Also, I went through a time of having panic attacks/hypochondria -- they went away as the kids got older and I was less stressed.

This too shall pass.

all moms go thru times like this. hang in there, your babies need you. don't worry about trying to be perfect, have a clean house, etc. take some time to declutter and downsize, get rid of stuff you really don't need, including kids toys, this really helped me. and ask people for help when you need it. give hubby just a couple things he can be responsible for and tell him it's important he does that to help out. hang in there!!!

Oh my! You have a lot on your plate right now. You have to look at this as a long-term thing. This part will pass quickly - I know it doesn't seem quick enough. You have to develop some girlfriends and/or outside interests and support to help you stay sane. You have to get up and get dressed in the morning so you feel more on top of things. You have to plan some little, fun things for you and the kids. I used to do little picnics in my living room or yard or the local park when it's warm. I took my kids to the library a lot. Is there a story hour? We got out books then returned them the next week and got new ones. It helped organize our weeks and gave me something to look forward to. I took them to the nearest mall to play and sometimes we had a cheap lunch if I could get the money together. There are moms groups around that would help. You have to find friends who have kids similar ages and get together with them often. If you don't have a church, find one that's kid-friendly. You need God in your life. Can you read a little when the kids are napping or busy? That can help too. Develop a routine to help you but don't make it rigid. Make special, little breakfasts for you and the children. If you have a way to get your hubby to marriage counselling, do it. If not, just move on the best you can and don't dwell on his lack of support/help. You can do this! I'd try to prevent any more pregnancies for the foreseeable future too so you know this won't get worse. Please do not give up, Dani! You are a valuable person being stretched to the limit but this is a temporary situation. Your life will get better but you obviously need to develop support within your family, neighborhood, church, friendships, some kind of support group or something. I'm going to say a prayer for you right now! There is hope and things will get better. You need to advocate for yourself, as you've done by writing your letter. Go for it! Your kids are precious and will benefit from your helping yourself to be stronger and more cheerful.

Everyone feels like that at some point. Even your aloof hubby.

3 kids under 5 is a pain. Especially if the 4yr (assuming one is 4) old isn't in pre-school. It's good that you're being treated. It almost sounds like what I dealt with during PPD.

One thing I've learned... The house can wait til tomorrow (or whatever day you have a bit of time). When my kids are taking a bath, I'll clean the sink and toilet. Get two things done while watching them. It's all about creative thinking and getting the kids to see it as a fun time to help mommy. When changing a bed, the kids will be there with me sometimes and I'll toss the dirty sheets on them or into a pile and they play in them. Now that my daughter is 7, she puts her clean laundry away. Do I like how she does it? No, but it saves me from having to do that particular task. I guess my point is, you don't have to exhaust yourself to get one thing done a day. Routine is what keeps things easier.

As far as your hubby. A compliment to him can help to make him see what he's not helping with. I know that sounds nuts, but it also helps you to see the good in him too. Something as simple as him rinsing his dish or glass to put it in the dishwasher... That's one less thing you have to do. If he goes to work full time... That means he's not a dead beat and mooching. Us women think that we should get thank yous and praises for what we do every day... What about saying thanks to our guys for what they do too?

One last thing... Working with men since I was 16 and talking with my husband (which is very open with me just as I am with him), I've learned that if you don't say EXACTLY what you want from him, he won't know what you want....... Men don't understand hints. You can read some of my posts to understand more. I KNOW my hubby and I don't think the same. That's why we talk about everything.

Oh! Boy!, Trust me your not alone! I always say what other life would I choose? Ya sure I have alot of idea's, BUT! I WOULD PROBABLY GO RIGHT BACK TO THE FAMILY!!! Ya I hear you to when you say lazy husband. Our jobs dont stop after 8 hours. (with a lunch break) WE continue until we lay our heads down at night .Just to get up to do it again.. The cure we all forget is to remember we are partners, And we have to make time for each other. I know its hard. Im with ya :)

Dani,

I just wanted to send you a link to a website that may help when you start to feel low and frustrated with the house again. www.flylady.net It is run by Marla Cilley and membership is totally free.

She teaches us how to focus for 15 minutes at a time to complete a task. How to set up daily routines to get the boring housework done quickly and gives daily support. We are all SHE's (Side-Tracked Home Executives). We are not lazy, but we haven't learned how to focus either. By building daily routines and doing the same tasks in the same order each day we learn how to channel our natural creativity into the things we love to do rather than putting our energy into cleaning.

Also, she shows us how to teach our children how to pick up after themselves - even children under the age of 5 will start to pick up on the routines. Children love to help out around the house. Why not give each child a daily task to help bless the house? A three year old can hold a damp cloth and wipe down small tables. They can sort clothing into light and dark piles. They love to throw clothes into the washer. They can pick up their bedrooms with help. There are lots of games you could play with your children to help them help you.

I know the feelings you are experiencing. But, please remember, you can't change your husband. You can only change yourself. Marla says "Love" is an action word; by taking the first step and working to bless your family every day rather than resenting the tasks that need to be accomplished you will show your family how to help each other lovingly.

Also, you might want to consider taking a daily vitamin D pill to boost your energy. It is not uncommon for people to become sad or depressed during the winter and it is related to the lack of sunlight we are getting. As the sun shines on our skin our bodies produce vitamin D. Vitamin D is necessary for the absorption of calcium. It also helps us to regulate our daily emotions and boosts our immune system. A pill of 500 units is more than enough to help you feel better.

Good luck.

C. J.

Teach your children the clean up song from Barney and sing it with them as they help put their toys away. It seems fun and believe me my kids loved putting things away while singing this tune. Hang in there.

You are not alone. We have all been there. I recommend a high quality multi-vitamin. Isotonic is best. Pills are too hard on the system and sometimes don't even break down. I can make a recommendation if you like. I help healthcare professionals with their supply.

S.

Shame... We all feel that way sometimes!

Try drinking Green tea, it is a great boost of energy and is very good for you. Also did you know eating an apple has the same effect as 2-3 cups of coffee?

Fruits and vegetables help give ME more energy. When I feel sluggish and a bit peckish, I grab a whole small carrot out of the fridge (I always have fruit and veg cut up or readily available) and munch away! Also a small can of tomato juice helps me too.

And just try to do things one at a time! Wipe down surfaces OR cleam bathrooms OR fold laundry.

And talk to your husband, tell him you need a hand sometimes! At the end of the day it IS more important that you and your kids are taken care of, forget the other stuff for a while!

And oranges or other citrus fruit have been proven to bring us out of the doldrums. Even if you have one of those citrus air fresheners, it may help!

Hi Dani,

It *is* overwhelming taking care of small children and the house. I think we all feel that way sometimes, and we all feel like we can't get or keep it together. Have you tried talking to your husband and telling him that you would like help? And that you would like to find a way to connect with him?

My best advice is to find a "Mommy Group," a support/social group where you can meet other moms who are going through the same daily struggles as you. I think Redford has a MOMS group, and there are lots of MOPS groups around in the area (and MOPS groups have built-in child care). I belong to St. Edith/St. Kenneth MOPS (http://www.stekmops.org), and we are all a HUGE support to one another.

Another thought is to take a small pocket of time/breathing space for yourself, whether it's an exercise class, a walk, or even just going to the grocery store kid-free while your husband watches the kids (which is something all dads should have to do, and might give him a greater appreciation for what you're going through). Find whatever small thing you can do that makes you feel more like yourself . . . and then make it a priority to do it. Happy mom = happy family, right?

Good luck! Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way!

I was there many years ago. The good thing is you are already getting help for the depression. Remember to keep priorities. Is it more important that your house is tidy or if your kids and you are happy? It's the old phrase, "don't sweat the small stuff" that kept me sane. My house is a mess but my kids are well loved and cared for. I will have a clean house and be better organized some day but right now I'm just doing the best I can. If you can go to bed at night knowing your kids felt loved and nurtured then take comfort in that. I promise it will get easier!