My husband, my 13 month old son, and I are traveling out of town for a wedding next month. The wedding is "adults only", but fortunately my father lives in the same city and he and his girlfriend have graciously offered to babysit while we attend. It is a morning ceremony, so my father suggested that they just come pick my son up from our hotel the night before and have him spend the night with them, and then we just go pick him up after the wedding on Saturday. The issue is my son has NEVER MET HIS GRANDPA! Like most 13 month olds, he’s at that stage where he is very attached to mommy and daddy and won’t just go with anyone and [for obvious reasons] is most comfortable with people he knows and sees regularly. I surely wouldn’t want to send him off for the night with two people who are essentially STRANGERS. He would be terrified- especially being in a home he’s never been to (I’ve never even been to my dad’s house) and having a stranger put him to bed (which he doesn’t even feel comfortable with my MIL doing and he sees her regularly!) My question is, How would you suggest I explain to my dad that it would be better for all parties (and especially my son) if they just came to the hotel in the morning? I don’t want to hurt my dad’s feelings or discount his offer to take my son for the night, but would still like for him to babysit (and get some bonding time in) while we’re attending the wedding for a few hours. Thanks for any advice you can offer!
Let me clarify- My dad and his girlfriend have been together for 17 years (not sure why they don't just go for it and get hitched!) so I do know her very well. And I haven't been to their *new* house since they moved into it about a year and a half ago, as I was pregnant and a new mom and not really up for flying pregnant or with a baby over the past couple of years.
HUGE SUCCESS! We ended up flying in a day early so we had two whole days for my son and his grandpa and step-grandma to bond before they babysat. From the moment they met, it was like my son had known my dad for years! They were enamored with each other almost instantly! My dad brought out his guitar and played and sang songs. He's also very animated, so my son was totally smitten and in his lap right away. We only ended up staying at the wedding for a few hours, most of which my son slept! It was a great visit and I'm so happy two of the most important guys in my life had the chance to bond and love each other as much as they do! My dad is already planning his next trip to come visit us next month!
Thank you all again for all of your feedback and advice. It really helped ease my nervousness and make the right decisions for this first time meeting.
Make it about you - Thank you so much dad, but *I* can't stand to be away from him for that long yet.
I would thank him for the offer, but suggest that you would prefer to come by their house Friday evening for a visit and then have them get him Saturday morning. The explanation you gave is completely valid, so share it with your dad.
"Dad, thank you so much for the offer. We really appreciate it. Joey is going through that lovely separation phase, so I think it would make your day with him more fun if we came by for a visit on Friday evening so he gets a chance to see you with us around and then you guys can have a fun day on Saturday."
No need to say more. I'm guessing that your son will have fun with all of you together on Friday evening and then may even be excited to see his grandfather on Saturday morning.
Be prepared for tears when he leaves you guys, but know that he'll have a blast!
I would say no thank you to the overnight, but since they ARE doing you a favor I would offer to bring my son to their home in the morning, rather than them driving to the hotel.
Get there early enough that you have a chance to look around and make sure everything's reasonably safe. Obviously their home won't be baby proofed but neither will the hotel room.
I agree that it's too much for your little guy to spend the night. He has to know his grandpa before that. I'd just be honest and tell your father the same way you told us. He's probably just not thought of how this would affect his grandson. He also wants what's best for him.
Just be honest. It's not hard to understand that your son will be afraid being with strangers in a strange home. I NEVER kept any of my grandchildren (I have 8!) overnight until they had come to my home many times with mommy and/or daddy to visit and were comfortable there. I never had any problems UNTIL they turned 3. Then, for some reason at age 3, they ALL went through the separation anxiety thing. But that's another post!
I'd say " thanks so much dad but he's too little to understand you're grandpa and he won't even let MIL put him to bed who he sees all the time! How about we come over on Fri so he meets you and then he should be ok for a few hours on Sat." I think you're right to think your son won't be ok spending the night and maybe your dad could have come to meet him once? Maybe he's not able to travel but in that case, remind him how much work a 13 mo old is. Say it's just too work much overnight too.
Let him come the night before to meet his grandson, or you go there for that purpose. Maybe have dinner together if the schedule allows.
Then, either let him come pick up or you drop your son off.
Just explain to your dad that while he is Grandpa, you son does not know him and that makes him a virtual stranger to your son.
Can you go earlier and spend some time together so your son isn't so strange with him?
Go down a day or two early, you need to visit with your dad anyway. So by spending time with them the baby may find he is okay with them. I'd want to have a lot of time to myself the morning of the wedding. I'd want to be able to get up and not have to have that separation issue while trying to get out of the room and getting ready for the day.
So I'd do it in the evening. That way you can go back to the hotel and go to sleep, then get up and go about your business. Otherwise why not spend the night at dad's? That way you can leave before little guy gets up but be there throughout the night if he wakes up.
I think it's pretty easy, actually. Tell him that since they've never met, you're afraid it will scare him half to death to spend the night with strangers. Your dad is smart enough to understand that being grandpa doesn't mean that a one year old will know who he is.
I would think that he just hasn't thought about the possibility that your son will keep him up half the night wailing for mommy.
It's okay to be honest with him. If he gets offended, then you don't want him watching the baby anyway.
Dawn
That is so thoughtful of your dad! However, it would be too overwhelming for your son. Can your dad meet him on Friday night? That way he'll be more familiar on Saturday. Can you all stay at your dad's house?
Call me crazy, but I never even let anyone drive my babies till they were much older!
As for the other stuff, I would meet with your dad the night before and get them all acquainted. Then if they seem to all be ok with each other, you can drop your son at your dad's in the morning on the way to the wedding.
And, just a piece of advice someone gave me years ago - as long as everything is ok, make a quick goodbye and exit. If you drag it out it just makes it harder on your son.
Good luck!!
I'd just tell your dad that your son is at that attachment phase and you don't think he'd feel comfortable spending the night and neither would you being that he still has a hard time spending the night with your MIL who sees him regularly. You just think it'd be best for everyone that he just watch him during the wedding if he's still up for it. And then maybe suggest everyone spending some time together the night prior instead.
yeah, an overnight with a grandpa he's never met is probably too much for a mommy-centered 13 month old to handle. i fully support grandparental sleepovers whenever possible, but there's an assumption that they know the grandparents first.
your idea is by far the best. i wouldn't pussyfoot around it at all, just present your perspective matter-of-factly, and include how much you hope that he and his GF will get to watch your son and have him for sleepovers in the future. it's just too much for the 'first time.'
khairete
S.
can you spend the night there with him? then he would be used to them before you left and then would get to see him more?
wait a minute, wait a minute!
Soooo it's okay for your dad to babysit while you need him during the wedding,
But it's not okay for overnight?
If your son truly is going thru that attachment phase, then are you saying it's okay for him to cry/need you....while you attend the wedding,
But it's not okay for him to need you overnight? (yeah, I'm being a drama queen!)
Either way, your son could be emotionally traumatized over this weekend. I think you're splitting hairs. Your son will be in completely unfamiliar surroundings...with both the hotel & your dad's home. My vote: let your dad do the babysitting at his home. He'll have access to more things to entertain your son. He'll have a wide variety of food/drinks, & he can take him outside to play. I would never vote for being cooped up in a hotel room with a crying kid!
Go & have fun! Let your dad do his thing!
Just like that. "Thanks for the offer, Dad, but I think that overnight would be pushing it since he's never met you."
I actually think that just letting them take him off without you upon first meeting is a bit much, so consider how that would make your son feel, too. Maybe you and your husband can go to their house the evening before and spend a little time there with him. Also, start talking to him about your plans, to let him know what's going on. Is there any chance at all that you can arrange for an initial meeting before that weekend?
I would probably have dad and GF come over and meet up at the hotel the night before. Get dinner, ice cream, whatever. Have dad and GF come up to the room, help son get in his jammies, maybe read a story, etc. Have him sleep with you guys and drop him off the next day. This way he gets some exposure, you dad gets to see him right away and then hopefully your son will be excited and less nervous the next day at their house.
Based on what you are saying, Saturday will not be a pleasant experience for anyone. You son has never met his grandfather and GF and you are going to leave him. I think I would have sent my regrets for the wedding, unless your son and father could have gotten together before the wedding.
I apologize if you do not like my answer, I am just being realistic. At 13 months, they just do not understand. A 2 to 3 year old you could possibly explain but a 13 month old no. If you do leave him be prepared for him to be clingy afterwards.
1) he does not know your Father
2) You... have not even been to your Father's home yourself. And don't know his Girlfriend (?)
3) You do not know, if your Father (and girlfriend) can even appropriately take care of a 13 month old
4) they probably have never, babysat before.
5) They do not even know, your son.
6) You are not comfortable with your son being with them over night...
SO, just tell your Father, no.
7) You are the Mom.
You should not put your son in the middle of this, and figure out how to "please" your Father with your son.
Your son is priority.
8) Just tell your Father "thank you for the offer..." but no, my son needs to be with me and I will pick him up after the wedding.
This is not about "pleasing" your Father.
This is about, your son. And you are the Mom.
And you do what YOU feel is best.
If we Moms always did things to please others with our kids as the middle-man, then, everyone else would be deciding for us, what to do with our kids. And that is kinda backwards.
I do what is best for my kids, as *I* know my kids best. I have some bossy pushy relatives, but I always will do what is best for my kids... not what is best for the relatives and what they want with my kids. And I say no, when I need to. Adding in "thank you so much..." as a buffer and saying it in a tactful cheerful manner.
Talk to him and let him know your concerns. Perhaps, together, you can come up with a solution.
Grandparents are unique. It may very well be that your son will do just fine. Give him a chance. I think YOU are more terrified of the idea than anything...
I don't understand why your father has never met your son. I would not let him take my child over night.
It's one night. Your kid might protest for 10 minutes, then get acclimated, or he might protest throughout. So long as you trust that your dad won't loose his cool with your son, he's probably as safe with your dad anywhere, as he would be with a "sitter."
good luck to you and yours,
F. B.
Just say you can't. He is too little and has never seen them before and you can't.
No big deal.
