Mother in Law Advice - Ponder,TX

Be careful what you wish for, it just might come true.\

Now that she is with you because you asked her to come. Now you have to introduce her to new activities with folks her own age. It's hard for her and lonely for her.

Ever heard "Be careful what you wish for"? Now you know why. Until she finds other things to do, you're probably stuck. And since you guys begged her to come, it would be utterly rude and insensitive and just plain mean for you to ask her to stay away.

She moved to be closer to you. She left behind her home, her friends, and now has no idea what to do. You need to help her find frinds and intersests near her home.

Of course she is hanging out at your home you are the only people she knows there.

Does she have anything else going on in her life? A job, volunteer work, hobbies, etc.? In all fairness, you guys are the one who convinced to her to move closer to you guys and she probably doesn't have anything else going on - your family is the only thing she has and she is probably lonely and feeling lost otherwise. Have you gently suggested she get involved with something else or have tried introducing her to other people she might strike a friendship with, such as around the neighborhood or at church? Did you talk her into coming to TX because YOU needed her, or because you thought it was best for HER?

You have to be honest with her and tell her that she's usurping your place as woman of the house. Help her find other ways to occupy her time. Tell her that you will start with having her over at specific times each week - maybe 3 nights a week and she helps cook. Then as time goes by, lower it to twice a week.

I know you feel bad that she moved there for you, but you didn't put any "rules" down and now you have to put the rules in place. It will hurt her feelings, but try to be understanding.

Dawn

What does your husband think? If he doesn't agree with you that this is too much, then it will be hard.

It's really his job to tell her not to come over so much. If she's normal at all, she will understand. She has to get her own life, not live yours.

Talk to your husband, and have him tell mom that you guys love her but that you need your own lives as well, and that two or three days a week (or whatever) is better. "Mom, I love you a lot. But..."

Good luck.

I havent read your answers but clearly you need to set up some boundaries with her. Do not feel guilty or let her make you feel guilty about doing this. Yes she moved there because you two asked her but that doesn't mean she owns you and your family. Let her know what she can do and would appreciate her doing and what you don't appreciate her doing.

Perhaps she thinks she's suppose to be doing this bc you asked her to move and perhaps she thinks there is nothing else to do and this is her role now. I would venture to say this is so, but she's taken it too far, too literal. Even if you appreciate her help, everyon needs a break from each other, surely she can at least understand that.

Sounds like she needs to venture out on her own a bit and discover herself again, but hasn't bothered to really let herself think about this. Is there anything she's always wanted to try or do, like developing a new skill or something?

Maybe you could set up times for her to visit once or twice a week and at these times have something specific in mind to do with the children. She could come up with all kinds of things. And it can be simple things, it doesn't have to be giant outings or such. What does she know how to do that she can teach the children? Does she bake bread, pies etc. she can do this with them. Does she sew, knit etc. she can do this. Playing board games, cards, a game of catch, jump rope, tossing bean bags, etc. These are just a few ideas she can do. As for how to go about it, children will automatically gravitate to her when she starts making that bread or playing with a ball.

If she keeps this up it will only bring in resentment for everyone, children included and in herself too. It will be the opposite of what she wants to produce for her family. She has to ask herself, 'what do I want the children to remember about me? How will they view me when I'm gone?'

It must be hard for her, but I'm sure it's wearing on you too. Try to be understanding but firm when you address this with her. And be sure to plan it out. You can't predict what she will do and I know you're afraid she'll take it badly and she probably will. But things must be dealt with soon and in the best way possible. Pray about how and when to go about this, let yourself be guided and pray for her too.

Is there any way you could get advice from a counselor or such to help with this? Sending you the very best thoughts for peaceful, loving solutions.

Help her find and get to activiites for active seniors. She clearly is in OK health and able to be active, so find every nearby senior center and get their schedules. Look at the listings of your town or county recreation centers (usually part of the parks and recreation department); usually they have lots of things for seniors -- exercise classes, educational classes, photography, art, walking groups, and day trips all over the place. If she's religious, push her to be involved in a church and any senior groups, Bible studies etc. that it has. Find her volunteer opportunities based on her interests -- and if she says, "Oh, my only interest is in you and the grandkids," tell her very kindly -- because you were the ones who brought her there! -- that you want her to have a healthy, happy and fulfilled time and make friends her own age.

Yes, this is all going to be work for you, as you find these opportunities. At first you might need to kind of drag her to a few things, or even attend things with her. But she needs to get out -- not just to benefit you but to benefit HER.

Try to keep a focus on what her perspective is: She has ONLY your family now so of course she is coming over all the time. Your family created that situation and it will bring many benefits over the years, once she has a more balanced life that includes interests outside your immediate family circle.

Oh, and get your husband involved here or she might think it's just her daughter-in-law pushing her away. Your husband must be on board and must pull his weight in helping her find activities to do.

Finally -- do not be available to her seven days a week. If she just drops in unanounced she assumes you are always home. Don't be. Tell her, "I just wanted to let you know that we'll be out tomorrow a lot of the day, and in and out after that, so we will see you again day after tomorrow. I'll give you a call day after tomorrow when things have slowed down." Believe me, as your kids get older they will have many more activities of their own and will be less available to her and to you as well, and she will naturally see less of them (and so will you).

But meanwhile -- Do count your blessings. Many of us have no in-laws or grandparents around at all even for the occasional visit. I know she's in your space too much just now, but try to treasure her, and try to get her to find some interests of her own -- but don't ever let her feel rejected. She needs time to adjust.

She's 64, lonely, bored and just left all she knew at your request. What did you expect was going to happen? Try helping her find friends or activities for her age group. Perhaps a Senior Center. I'm sure she was not happy about uprooting herself , yet she did it perhaps thinking it was best. Just help her settle in and find her own outlets. What did she do in New Mexico, how did she keep busy there? Remember to be kind and not angry or hateful, just imagine if it were you down the road, and you were in a strange town and the only people you knew was 1 of your 3 children and their family. Would you like it if your child came to you and said you can only come over 2 times a week? Pick your battles wisely and help her in kindness not resentment. It's funny....the grass is always greener on the other side...I wish I had a MIL that was interested in her grandkids and wanting to help. Good Luck Greenemama3.

She probably doesn't know what else to do.
Have you tried helping her with finding her own activities or friends?
I am thinking of church, activities at the senior center, volunteer opportunities or whatever she is interested in, apart from (grand)-mothering your kids. Do you have meetup-groups where you live?
Maybe talking about her interests will give her a hint. If that doesn't help, I think you have to establish ground rules to keep your sanity.

This is one for your husband. Tell your husband that you need space and time and make sure he's in agreement with you. Then he has to have the conversation with his mother setting boundaries.

There is a difference between being there a lot and interfering with your parenting and taking over. If shes going to be there a lot, you should set some boundaries. Also, just because she moved there, doesnt mean she needs to be at your house EVERY day. You do need some family time and alone time with your kids. If you need a break just pack up the kids and go out for the day, before she shows up for the day. Take them to a museum or just to the mall or something.

i think shes bored and probably a little lonely and needs something to do.. im assuming your family are the only people she knows in town.. she needs something to do so she can make friends.. if its really becoming an issue id have your husband talk to her.. have him say in a nice way that you guys love having her there but she cant be taking over as a parent just because she is there everyday

You need to get her plugged into her own life. That is really hard to do for someone her age in a new area. So you should take the next six months and go do things with her that have the secret purpose of getting her plugged in. Does she go to church? Find out what groups the church offers for her age group and then attend with her for a while. (Going by yourself at first is hard.) Sign up to take an art class with her. Volunteer somewhere with her. Your husband needs to do this too as it is his mother. The goal is to make sure she is not sitting at home desperately lonely, but not at your house making you go crazy either.

What were her interests and activities in New Mexico? Find ways for her to do this in your town. I agree with Vicki S. suggestions. Be a friend and introduce her to your community. It would be ideal if you could find a woman close in age with similar interests and introduce them. To do this, you may have to participate in some activities that would include seniors that you wouldn't ordinarily do.

Some one mentioned Meetup. Here is their web site. http://www.google.com/#hl=en&sugexp=les%3B&gs_rn=... pon&cp=19&gs_id=1e1&xhr=t&q=m

I've not gone to any activities but I've found several that caught my interest.

Well, not for nothing but you created the "monster." You convinced her to leave the place she grew up and all of the people she knew not for her benefit, but for yours. You thought you knew better than she did what was good for her, and having her move close to you probably eased some guilt about her being a widow and having lost her mother, right?

Did you expect her to suddenly become entrenched in the new community and make all sorts of new friends within the first year? You and your family are the only people she knows. Where else would she be?

This is NOT your MIL's fault. She's lonely. She has nothing else to do. She needs her time to be filled up. She needs to be needed and wanted and around people that make her feel good. And she needs you to realize that you don't know what's better for her than she does when she's ONLY 64 years old.

She is 64, not 6. You have a right to boundaries and privacy. You, your husband and children's happiness come first, not hers. I'm not being mean.

You didn't "make" her do anything. Sometimes things unfold differently than we thought they would and life happens.

It's not easy to draw boundaries at first and she won't like it...

It may not be easy for your husband either if he is comfortable with her being around all the time.

These kinds of things can end up resulting in tension arising between you and your man.

Any healthy mother in law would never want this for her son.....

It's natural and healthy for you to feel resentfel.

Wow, you took her away from her whole life and now you don't want her. That's what came across with this. You must really resent her a lot for just being there.

I'd tell hubby to help her find a house back home where she can go and be around people that care about her. Truthfully, you may like her and enjoy her but you are ALL she has in her whole life because you convinced her to come be with you.

Send her back home so she can be around her friends and her home town where she feels comfortable going by herself to run errands and do her own thing. She needs her friends so she will have a life again.