Over Reacting?? MIL Question

she doesnt have the right to say anything like that to you or other people. He SHOULD stand up for you, in a respectable way and let her know you're his #1 and he won't stand for that in his home.

There are No words! Totally unnecessary and extremely disrespectful
She sounds like a real treat =)
Im sorry someone did/said this to/about you

Have a talk with her or the tension will just keep building.. you are not overreacting.. I am the same way with my MIL.. but to keep things going well you need to talk to her and get it out on the table. Or you will just get more and more frustrated.

If you want to nip this in the bud, I advise that you address her face-to-face. Have her over. Make sure the kids are not in the room or in earshot. Be CERTAIN that your husband is sitting right next to you, showing that he supports you.

You should be the one to do the talking, not your husband. He should just be nodding in agreement.

Make it clear to her that you do not appreciate hearing such comments from guests in your home and that if she has a problem or an observation to make which is related to you, she should come to you personally. Doing otherwise is juvenile and will not be tolerated.

I would also make clear to her that you and your husband are trying to raise your children in a home where they feel loved and accepted by their family. Talking about and making judgements about one another undermines that goal. She needs to stop or she will be unwelcome.

I know it seems nuts going to her with this...but if you let your husband fight this battle for you when you are not around, she will not respect you at all. You must stand up for yourself.

All the best!

Ugh . . . definitely not nice. Is this consistent with her personality (gossiping with others)?

If so, I would just let it go and cross her off my list of people to trust and enjoy. I would tolerate her for my husband's sake, and that's about it.

If this is her character you won't change her at this stage of the game. Your husband will pay the price for any negativity you inject into the situation. Take the high ground if you can.

JMO.

I agree that regardless of rift in the family or not...Your DH should stick up for you and mention that her comment was repeated to you and the two of you don't appreciate it. Very tacky, juvenille and rude. Some people will never grow up.

I would turn it on its side and approach her calmly and matter-of-factly saying "It was brought to my attention that you said such-and-such sort of things at the party the other day. I just wanted to let you know that we do not appreciate that sort of language in our house because it gives the children the impression it's okay to talk about people like that, which is not how we want to raise our children. You know how 5 year olds will start repeating things they hear others say."

This will probably catch her off guard, because it's not about her critiquing you (though it is), it's about being a role model for children.

I hope your husband reams her good. Her behavior was deplorable! Even if she had not said it to guests in her home she should be reprimanded. No, you are not overreacting.
I am so sorry that your MIL says such hurtful things to you.

OH HELL NO!!! My only comment really is that if I were your friend at the party and heard her say this to me, it would only reflect poorly on her that she would have to stoop so low to *try* to make you look bad in your own home. I would definately say something or have your husband. Its pretty low if your own family can't love and support you and worse puts you down in public. Good luck!

Hubby's family on his M.'s side, especially his M., did the same thing.
When I heard it, I had to speak up. Otherwise, it would have never stopped.
And they were doing it at weddings, funerals, reunions, restaurants, church. All were on his M.'s side(the crazy ones). Once I started saying
"Ella, I can hear you and it makes everyone uncomfortable when you talk that way." "MIL, no one wants to spend reunion time hearing what a shedevil I am in your opinion." It stopped them both from doing it publicly.
Now they make sure to do it behind my back, but everyone knows they are doing it and I don't feel like a victimized fool. The key is never to get irate, curse, irrational, etc... Also, my husband told them "I will choose my wife if I have to so you better make her feel welcome or you won't be seeing me and the kids. We are a package deal."

HI M.,
That's just plain hurtful, rude and mean. If my MIL were to say that about me, I would feel terrible. And yes, I think I would support my husband if he wanted to tell his mother to never say something mean like that about me again. I bet your guests that heard it were shocked!

.

That's so rude!
I would say "in a joking manner" (but your not joking, you just don't want this to turn into a huge fight)
" hey, don't talk about my legs to people, that's not nice"... Just so she KNOWS she's busted, but your not being mean on how you say it~

I would not take it personally and the reason why is that is speaks volumes about her... for SO many reasons. I'll give you what I may do:

1. Let her know that speaking about people and the way they look is not appropriate in your house because you do not want your children to think it is okay to judge someone on this basis.
2. Saying something about someone is inappropriate because it is gossip and we don't gossip
3. If you're son over heard this or other comment, what sort of example would this be for a boy and how he thinks of women.

If you keep it to ideals, rather than personal attack, then you may avoid family rift, and you come out with your head held high. This is NOT about you.

That's happened to me but mostly about how I raise my kids. I've heard her undermine me to my kids. And my kids have told me things she's said behind my back. I pretty much stay away as much as possible although I still do family functions and I'm loving and kind to her. Our relationship has improved tons because it was horrid for about 10 years but she still says and does stuff that keeps me cautious. I ignore comments. I don't know what it is about some MIL's whether it's jealousy or what but I just keep in mind what kind of mother in law I want to be. A blessing and encouragement!! Good luck to you!!

Her comment was rude, no doubt about it. For whatever reason, it sounds like your MIL doesn't like you, and wants other people to be critical of you as well. Maybe it's because you took her precious boy away from her. Some MIL's are just possessive, and there's not too much you can do about it other than to be a grownup and keep including her in. Or maybe YOU actively dislike HER, in which case she has no reason to ever want to like you. Unfortunately, it is a two-way street.

But here's what I've learned about insults. They are impotent, unless we allow them to work negatively on our own thoughts. An example: my beautiful 5yo grandson observes that I look old, that I have many wrinkles, that I have a fat tummy. He's even told me a couple of times that I will die before his mom or dad dies. He's said these things in mixed company. And I don't take offense, because he's only telling the truth. His observations are totally accurate, within his frame of reference. AND, I know he loves me like crazy. I find his truthfulness rather charming.

If my husband tells me I have a fat tummy, it's the same truthful observation, but it's a little harder to hear, because I want to know he still finds me attractive. So I start spinning the comment – he thinks I'm ugly. THEN I feel hurt. Fortunately, I know he loves me and wants to be with me every day, but still, I WISH I did not have that round tummy, so I could be even more attractive to him. It's my own thinking that is causing me pain, not the simple fact of my big tummy.

So here's my input on your reaction: it is exactly that, your reaction. If it causes you pain, then it's an over-reaction. You would be happier and more peaceful if you could just let it go. So look at the comment. Is it the truth? Can't argue with that. Is it a lie? Then the people your MIL talks to will begin to question her judgment and motives. Do you wish you had skinnier legs? Maybe you'd be happier if you held kinder attitudes toward your own body type. Is it in your power to make them skinnier? Then you have that possibility awaiting further exploration. Is it a sign of your MIL's general feelings toward you? Probably, and you may be able to help change her attitudes by being more loving toward her. If she won't/can't change? Then don't let her opinions rattle you. You do have that choice.

If you want to investigate a very powerful tool that can help you let go of painful thougths, check out the free resources at http://www.thework.com/thework.php. My best to you!

Sounds like you have a pretty nasty MIL. Rest assured she looked like an @$$ making such a rude remark about the birthday child's mother, let alone the fact that it was about you, her DIL. I have issue with the person telling you this information? What did he/she wish to accomplish by telling you this? It hurt you, you probably already knew your MIL was a witch so why tell you something that was just going to hurt you? Obviously no good came from it, just pain. Shame on your MIL and shame on the gossip that told you.

Ha, that is funny, I guess I am not the only one whose Mama in Law has talked to my friends behind my back. Our incident was on my wedding day. We had it in our backyard, and I had my family and friends and my hubs had his family. Granted the inlaws were outnumbered by a lot. Meaning, most of my friends are foreign-born (all educated with great careers), and a few American-born, and my MIL apparently had approached one of my American friends and said something like 'This party is not for the kids (meaning my husband's nieces and nephews). My friend was shocked and didn't know what to say so she suggested they leave :)
I heard after my wedding, and was upset because the only reason she would say that was because we were playing all kinds of music (Greek, Turkish (music from all nationalities that were present at my wedding). I asked her about it and at first she denied it, then admitted it when I told her I was going to have my friend call her. She didn't have a reason to comment about anything. My wedding was the best wedding ever. So, anyways, since then it went downhill and I should have known. End result? She is not a part of our lives.

She is wrong. You should be respected in your own home, and her son's spouse should always be respected out of respect and love for her son.

Let your husband do his job and stand up for you. You will both feel better that you did. And, who knows, maybe she will shut the hell up.

:( I am sorry that she said that. How rude!!

I don't think you are overreacting. What a shame that a grown woman acts that way.

I think you and your husband should tell her that her comments are unwarranted and totally inappropriate and that if she cannot keep them to herself then she will be excluded from events at which you are present.

Your husband should be the one to gently and politely ask if his mother was commenting inappropriately. You stay out of it until your MIL comes to apoligize. For now, it's just a rumor or hearsay.

Awful.You are not overreacting. MIL obviously doesn't care how you feel, but she probably cares how her son feels. If he makes it very clear that he will not tolerate her behavior -- no second chances -- then she will likely toe the line.

My inlaws have a habit of "speaking their mind" (to put it nicely) to my SIL b/c her husband (my husband's brother) lets it go. My inlaws know that if they have a problem with me, then they will have a problem with my husband. You two have to be united on this and to hell with causing a rift. If a rift is created it is b/c of you MIL's bad behavior, not yours. Everyone that knows her and knows you will understand that.

I would definitely say something. I would ask first before accusing tho.

Sorry you had to hear such a disrespectful comment.

Good luck

While I think she's rude, if you know she would say it to your face, I wouldn't make an issue of it. On the other hand, it sounds like you have a broader, over critical issue with her. Essentially, my point is, if you're going to have a discussion, make sure you're discussing the real issue.

If she's the kind of person who would make a rude comment about someone in their own home, behind their back, to their guests (and her own DIL too!) I wouldn't say anything. She won't change and it will probably just make her even nastier :(
Take the high road and move on.

Wow! You are definitely not over reacting. She shouldn't criticize your appearance EVER. Bad enough to be mean to you but saying that in front of others? How rude and petty. You and hubby should definitely mention politely that it wasn't appreciated. Good luck.

I can't believe your MIL would insult you like that either way...to your face or to your guest. She sounds like a complete jerk. If mine ever said anything like that to me, it would give me a great excuse to just not talk to her at all.

Thank goodness your husband is bothered by it and is going to have a talk with her. I would tell him what you want him to say....maybe even write it down for him. Then, be present while he talks to her, so you can hear what he says. That will give you the satisfaction of knowing she was put in her place, without really having to get involved. Or maybe you could hop on the phone at the end of the conversation and quickly say, I was very hurt by your comment.
I agree with others who have said, having your husband (her son) speak to her about it will be more effective than anything else. She cares about how he feels and if he makes it clear he is unhappy with her actions, she'll pay attention.
Good luck!

Oh I know how that feels,I cought my phony,shallow MIL doing a negitive gesture behind my back, that was almost 17 years ago...never forgot it.
We let a lot of things go, but this is something I would not let go.
Sometimes you just have to cause a rift to get things settled.This is insulting a hurtful and unless you have a nice private talk with her, you will never get over it, it will linger in your head.Good luck, I feel for you :)

You're not overreacting, you are reacting which means you either nip it or let her immaturity manifest into something vile. Trust me, decide now whether you are going to ignore her, or put her in her place in the presence of your husband while you do the talking. He's just there for moral support on your part, and to prevent physical altercation.

My soon to be ex MIL was a major troublemaker in my marriage. I'm glad to be moving beyond them all soon!!!

That's awful. My MIL is the same way. (I'm soo glad she lives in another state) I'll never understand how certain people think it's okay to talk about people like that. It's like they have no filter. They don't take time out to think how they would feel if someone did that to them. It's says a lot about their character though, doesn't it? Don't let her get to you. I would maybe not confront her about this particular incident but if she was to say something so rude again to you I would definitely take that oppurtunity to light into her. I'm glad that your husband is going to talk to her. He needs to. If that doesn't correct the issue, I would limit contact and say something to her yourself when she does it again. Hang in there from one DIL with a rud MIL to another. :)

I cringe when I hear MIL stories. I for one read them to take notes on how NOT to act in the future. My MIL is deceased, so I never had to deal. All I can think is that someday I'll be one. What a horrible thought to think of saying or doing things to hurt my son's future family. It is beyond me, and yet I'm guessing that there is some bit of jealousy and sadness that kicks in when your child marries, and if you're not aware and careful, you can fall into the pattern that has become the stereotypical MIL. I'm thinking I should start a diary to my future self, so that when the day comes, I'll be fully prepared to guard my tongue, watch my actions, and soften my heart toward the woman my son marries.

Your MIL is a witch and you have to be careful not to let her poison your peace of mind or your marriage. Don't get all worked up about what she said. Just laugh at how ridiculously inappropriate she is! Do you really think your friends were impressed or respected her after that?

And, to make yourself feel better and STOP her from doing this again, DON'T let her know how much it bothered you. Don't EVER let her know that her comments have the power to hurt you. DO THIS INSTEAD: Bring the subject up casually, the next time you and your husband are with her. Tell her that some of your friends came to the two of you after the party because they were extremely uncomfortable when she started making negative comments about you. Tell her that your friends just couldn't believe that anyone's own MIL would say mean things about their DIL and that they were so shocked that they just didn't know what to say or do. Tell her that they wanted to turn around and walk away, but they didn't want to be rude. Ask her to PLEASE not cause your friends so much embarassment and discomfort in the future. MAKE IT CLEAR TO HER THAT EVERYONE THINKS SHE MADE AN A$$ OF HERSELF... NOT that her ugly comments hurt you. She'll think twice before she does it again because she'll know that it made HER look bad. Make HER feel embarassed!! (as she should be!) If she knows that she has the power to hurt your feelings she will never stop finding fun new ways to jab at you directly or indirectly. In fact, don't even MENTION the exact comment that she made (your friend shouldn't have told you the specifics). Just say, "They just couldn't believe that you would say anything negative about your own daughter in law and they felt so uncomfortable! We were so embarassed that you acted that way!"

By the way, I would check with your friends (if they're close friends), to make sure that she really did say negative things before you confront her. (since you've only heard it from one person). You don't have to make them uncomfortable yourself, just apologize to them for having to listen to the ugliness. ("I heard that my MIL was making negative comments about me at the party. I'm so embarassed that she would do something like that and I apologize that you had to listen to it.") They will let you know if nothing was said. And, you won't have to hear the mean comments repeated. Remember! Whatever she actually said doesn't matter. It matters that she said mean things. Period.

Just have hubby there to jump in and handle the situation, if it doesn't go as planned. But, always stay calm. She will feel like the idiot that she is and she won't care to make a fool of herself again, (hopefully!)

If you don't feel comfortable bringing the subject up, let hubs do it. But make sure that he doesn't mention your legs or whatever else she said. And, don't EVER let him tell her that she hurt your feelings! Just have him tell her how embarassed she made HIM when your friends came to y'all with the information that she was saying negative things about her own DIL. ("Mom! How could you embarass me like that, saying mean things about my wife?? I am so humiliated!)

Betcha five bucks that will have the best chance of stopping her from ever doing it again....

Hope this helps!

How rude!!!!!!
I don't think you are over reacting. She shouldn't be critiquing your appearance AT ALL!! You need to let her know (politely) that it is rude and you don't care to hear her comments. And neither do your guests.

Really. When I read this, I felt so sad for you. How terrible it is to have someone who is supposed to want the best for your, be part of your support system and your family to undermine you like this. For me, I would bring it up directly with her with your husband present. I would tell her that you heard she said this and how hurtful and down right nasty this comment was and why on earth would she do this. If she continues to act this way....I would have to say cut her off from your life. I know this sounds harsh, but really why on earth would your MIL say this to you.

Nip it in the butt now before it gets worse. You and your husband need to say something because from my experience if he always speaks for you, she still won't respect you as a woman. You will just be viewed as an extension of him. I really think there should be a mil class to teach these hags how to act. It's not a competition and should not be a jealousy match.