Out of Control Newphew

I am a Grandmother of 4 Grandbabies. He one is different. And that is good. A child who is raise alone tends to get all the attention. I watch a child who is 9 years old. He too is an only child. I am finding out he does not understand doing thing with other children. Therefore he thinks he has to win all the time. Be first all the time. Get's offended very easy. I try to tell him things are not that way. You must learn to share, care, and be happy with other children that want to play with you. I tell him there is nothing wrong in loosing sometime. I play games with him and show how I feel and how he should feel when other's win. I try to go through the motions as a child. And you have to be persistant. I do not know all the answer it's just and Idea.

i can relate to your situation! first of all you have to be very careful how to speak to your sister about her child regardless of how close you might be. no mother wants to hear the negative about their child. i would advise that you first try to look at the situation ( and share this point of view with your husband ) if your nephew is hard to be around when either of you are around him just imagine how difficult it could be to be his parent! most parents especially with their first born are not persistant with teaching about taking turns, sharing, etc. also good parenting consists largely on consistancy! example: if you say no to a child, never let them beg or talk you into not honoring your word. i would encourage you to when your child plays with him that you (in a kind yet firm way ) redirect him if he snatches a toy out of your child's hand you be the one that steps in and demonstrates a positive role model. ( your child will benefit from this experience too ). try to stay positive and encouraging for your sister and if and when the time is right for you to address it tell your sister that because you love her and cherish her as a sister that you don't want anything to come in between your relationship. instead of saying "your child is bad, uncontrolable, etc" tell her " i want our children to be close but my children are expected to act a certain way and we have rules that all the children should go by.
hope this was helpful!

I actually have a similar experience with my husband's side of the family which makes things pretty tricky. There are a few key things that I found made it possible for us to still spend good quality time with the other child and make it enjoyable for everyone.

The main key here is to be excessively proactive!
*Review expectations and family rules when your guest arrives and know that they will be in effect and he is expected to follow them as long as he is with you.
*Reassure your child before their guest arrives that you will be watching and that her safety and comfort are your primary concern.
*Plan activities--sometimes the best way to keep behaviors at bay is to keep the kids too busy for problems to arise. I know this makes it a little more work for you, but in my experience having a project, craft, game or activity planned helped us to avoid a lot of the problems that came up when our guest was left to entertain himself.

I know these situations are difficult and it definitely puts a strain on relationships, try to make the best of it. Keep visits short if possible and don't be afraid to stand up for your children if the need arises. Hopefully, you'll be able to figure out a good strategy for handling these visits so that they do become more enjoyable and your realtionship with your nephew improves and becomes less of a chore.

S.,
We have had a similar issue in our extended family. I would encourage you to handle it gently. I made my sister really mad.

My sister's sons are ages 18, 17, 12, 6, and 4. My sister's 4 year old and 6 year old are rough because they have older brothers who have probably played rough with them. My children are ages 18, 16, 10, and 3. My two oldest children and the little one are boys. My husband does not let the older boys rough house with our little one. They are very laid back and gentle with him.

The problem is when we have family gatherings her 4 year old beats up my 3 year old son. He is quite a bit bigger, really mean to him, and sneaky about it. I catch him looking around to see if anyone is looking before he hauls off and punches him and knocks him to the ground.

It all came to a head when we took a family vacation to the beach two years ago. It was a whole week of my sister's sons who were 2 years old and the 4 years old at the time picking on my son who was only a year old then. They would knock him down, kick sand in his face, take his toys away, bully him, punch him. By the end of the week when I was taking my little one to the ER to get stitches, I was screaming and cursing at my sister. I would encourage you to try something else besides screaming and cursing. My sister has not spoken to me for 2 years.

It did not solve the problem either. Her children are still mean as snakes and she doesn't control "her little angels."

What we do now is this. My husband and my older children are under strict rules to keep an eye on our little one and never leave him alone with his cousins when we are at family gatherings. We limit the amount of time we spend with their family and we never ever leave our little one alone with her children. It often means that if she and her children are going to be there, we arrive late and leave early. But, it just seems to be better that way.

If I had it to do over again I would have tried to sit down and talk to her about it. But, that is pretty tough to do with a sister who isn't speaking to you.
S.

Dealing with issues with family members often feels very difficult because of the years of history (and baggage?) and expectations, but what would you do if this were your friend or neighbor's child who came over to play? Wouldn't you talk to the mom and say, "Hey, when little Johnny was here today he was having a hard time sharing/playing fairly/getting too rowdy, etc. Normally when my kids get that way, I do X (fill in the way you handle your own kids). If this situation comes up again, are you okay with me doing X, or do you have a different way you'd like me to try dealing with it?" That way you alert the other mom to the fact that there's been a problem, you make it clear to her your expectations for the kids, and she gets an understanding for how you plan to handle problems when they come up. But it also gives her the chance for input, and it makes the process more of a collaboration between the two of you to solve the problem. AND it keeps you both from assuming that you handle problems in the same manner since you were presumably brought up the same way by the same parents.

I would recommend talking to your sister like she were simply your neighbor. Try to get away from pointing fingers or placing blame or trying to figure out WHY your nephew does what he does (even if you don't come out and say those things to her, you are probably thinking them), and simply focus on what practical steps you guys can take to ensure that the cousins can play well together. After you have that first conversation, the next time the kids play, let your sister know if there were any problems, how you dealt with them based on what you two agreed, and what the result was. If the agreed upon approach didn't seem to work, hit her up for new suggestions. And if your nephew is truly out of control and nothing you try gets compliance on his part, let him know that if he can't follow the rules and behave appropriately to you or your kids, then you'll have to call his mom to come get him. Then follow through with the call if you have to. Chances are it will only take once for him to see you mean what you say.

A couple more practical suggestions: If there are certain house rules that are different for your kids, ask your sister if she can remind your nephew about Aunt S.'s rules before he comes over (keep it to one or two and only focus on the ones that really cause problems), and then you remind him too once he gets to your house ("Little Johnny, don't forget that at our house we don't jump on the furniture," for example). Sometimes all a kid needs is a reminder up front.

Also, another mom pointed out that you should teach your daughter how to stand up to her cousin--and that is so true! Role play with your daughter ways she can respond to her cousin in common play scenarios, and if you know of a particular situation that they have trouble with, role play with both of them. Maybe your nephew is still unsure how to ask to join in or how to negotiate in deciding what and how to play. For example, on more than one occasion my son's friend just started crashing his toy car into my son's. That started a fight the first time it happened, but when I asked the boy why he did it he said he just wanted to crash the cars (I could tell from the way he answered that he wasn't trying to be mean or provocative), so I explained how he needed to ask first, "Hey, do you want to crash our cars together?" instead of assuming that my son wanted to play the same way he did, and if the answer was no he needed to say okay and do something else. I still have to remind him to ask first though from time to time.

It may also be a good idea for you to play some with them--at least until things get better. Play a game together and help model turn-taking and fair play. Work on a collaborative project that requires some teamwork like building a fort or baking cookies. Maybe your nephew isn't getting the guidance or social practice or attention or discipline he needs at home, but you are his aunt, and it's great when cousins can be friends for life, so maybe you can find gentle, loving ways that you can make positive changes in his life.

Good luck!

Hi, Shellie: It is hard to deal with a child who is not "loved" as your children are. Sometimes jealousy can cause such a child to act up. Just remember, your loving, caring responses to your own children and the good habits you teach them are a good example for him. If you treat all of the children including your nephew the same, he'll come around eventually. Prayer always helps, too. Don't give up on him. You may be just the mentor he needs to straighten up. I hope this helps. Good luck, and I'll be praying for all of you. J. M

Have you ever watched a program called "Super Nanny"? She has at lot of good advice; I am sure she must have a book or video out by now.
My own advice is limit your visits to short visits.
Try visiting once in a while without your children.
Visit more on the phone. Try taking one child at a time to visit. See if there is a pattern. Is it all the kids disagreeing or only these two. I have kept my Grandkids and as long as I had only 1 or 2 together..fine or 4 together....fine,(I have 8 in total)but when there was an odd number...Oh BOY did I have trouble!!! Also, try taking just your nephew and one child on an outing...see how that goes.
As far as your husband and your sister goes...open this up for discussion,before someone "blows". I remember having a cousin that was much smaller in size and only 1 yr. younger...she was so mean and everytime I would finally retaliate( after her hurting and hitting me all day long) I would always get punished and told I was much bigger and older that her. I learned I am going to get punished whether I stood my ground early in the day or waited until time to go home.I also had a younger brother I had to protect from her,; please watch to see if this may be some of the problem.
I think you should place your children in full view at all times, something just doesn't seem right.LB

I would make it clear that when he is at your house he follows your rules. Discipline him as you would your own children. Don't be afraid to give him a time-out.

S.,
I have an 8 year old boy who is usually out of control, when he is not on his meds! I started noticing when he was 1-2 years old he was a little rougher than the other kids his age, I have a daughter she is 24 and was nothing like my son is, so I thought it was just because he was a boy. But when he got kicked out of preschool and had a hard time in school, I knew something was wrong, he has ADHD and takes meds to calm him down and help with aggression. I do all my research and have talked to MANY doctors! I won't let them give meds to make him a zombie, it's been hard, he sees a therapist so we kind of have a handle on it. I hope this helps, good luck, V.

Have they ever got him tested for ADD or ADHD?

Some things to try...when at your house, if your nephew misbehaves I tell him that in our home we...or, in our home we don't... I thinks it important to let your sister know that when her son is with your daughter he is a little rough with her. That doesn't come out and say he's rotten, but it does let her know that he needs to be tamed. You can even tell her of things that have gone on. My guess is she would like to have those behaviours stop. If it is happening with your daughter it's happening with the kids in the neighborhood and at school.

One last thing, teach your daughter to stick up for herself. If her cousin is treating her badly she can say she doesn't want to play with him or she can go tell her Aunt that Jr. is being rude. She should be able to do that with any child and any parent. We need to be sure we protect our children, but also empower them.
Good Luck~!

Hi, my name is K. and I have a suggestion.

Maybe he has a disorder and cannot help the way his behavior is.

Your sister needs to take him to a physician and have him checked out first. He could have a medical condition and he might need to be put on medicine for his problem.

If that does not work he might need to go and see a psychologist. He might have had some kind of trauma in his life that might have caused all this.

I hope this advice helps.

Good-Luck
K.

S., I don't know that I'd be so quick to give him an excuse in the form of 'he is an only child and doesn't take turns, share or play appropriately'. He is enrolled in school, is he not? Those behaviors should be reinforced at school even if his mother is not doing so.

Both of my boys play with a number of only children and by the age of 6 those issues were long gone, if your nephew is even newly 8 I'd say he is going to suffer some lonely times if this is left to continue. If he is a late 8 and nearly 9, he's getting quite close to Middle School where the other kids will simply lock him out of their interactions and things may escalate at home.

What is the reaction of your sister? Does she brush it off as 'boys will be boys' or does she at least attempt to correct him and set him straight? Is his dad in the picture or is he acting out in the absence of a dad? The way your sister reacts would be a huge sign to me about how serious she is about having a well-behaved child who is aware of social norms and boundaries or, conversely, how deeply she is in denial.

Have you tried having playdates between the cousins someplace like a park or playspace? That might be a good interim solution, but of course long term he needs to be able to pick up on social cues and learn the accepted range of behaviors and there isn't a tremendous amount of time left before it becomes a grave situation.

What is your daughters take on all this? Does she balk at having her cousin over or tire of him quickly when he does visit? Has she given him peer level feedback about his behavior or is she highly reactionary and it turns into an ugly situation?

I feel for you! I hope you are able to come to a reasonable resolution, whatever that looks like, for the peace of your family.

Good luck!

You do not let anyone cause confusion in your home. If your nephew cannot behave to your satisfaction than he does not need to come to your home. Your sister is going to have to understand your stance. You can do things still with your sister, but you do not have to let your nephew come to your home without her. Your 8 year old is a girl; her child is a boy. Different sexes do not mix real well at that age in addition to the fact the he is an only child. There is no reason for him to come to your home and cause confusion. Choose your battles wisely. This should not be a problem at all.