Ah yes...the age old "I can't parent another person's child" challenge. It has been and will continue to go on.
Here is what I know,
1. everyone has the right to parent their own child. And
2. everyone has the right to feel happy and safe in their own home.
I have a very defined set of rules in my home. Every person, adult or child knows them. It's not like they are posted on my door or anything, but it is very clear what is allowed. We are consistent with everyone who comes into our home so there is no challenge on our part.
For example, if you come in, you will wash your hands. Period. There is no discussion, there is no alternative, wash your hands. There is sanitizer by the door if you don't want to walk upstairs to the bathroom. Yes even grandma and great-grandma knows to wash their hands when they enter our home.
If you are coming/staying for dinner, I will do my best to accommodate, but this is not a restaurant, if you do not like what is made, sorry. There is bread, jam and peanut butter in the fridge.
Respect is a non negotiable. Respect of self and others. There is no rudeness, no sarcasm, no bullying allowed, and yes, that includes siblings.
We had 22 people in our home last night for my daughter's 14th birthday, an aunt decided to yell at her own 15 year old. I said very nicely, "we do not yell at children in this house. If you choose to parent that way, please do so in your own home." And I continued on with our conversation. There was no discussion, there was no arguing, it is a fact, we do not yell in our home. Did my sister get PO'd yes, did she glare at me? Yes. But did she speak that way to her daughter again, NO she did not. Will she visit again, I am not sure, but that will be her choice not mine.
I am very set with what is acceptable in my family, and call me a B*T*H if you wish, but you know what? My friends know what is acceptable with us and what is not. A friend who continually uses sarcasm to "be funny" does not do so around my family because if she does, she knows we won't come to visit. She makes the choice what language to use and I make the choice to visit or not.
R., this is your family, your home and your decision. I would not necessarily BAN your niece from visiting, that word alone is enough to start a family fight, but definitely, know what is acceptable in your home, know what is not and stick with it. And make sure others know.
This may seem like a little to the extreme but it might just set the point...if your niece came into your home with something you find unacceptable like I don't know let's say drugs...would you let her do it because it is obvious that her mother has no control over her? To me, if it is against my morals or my beliefs, no matter what the "level" of inappropriateness, I would be out of integrity to allow it to happen in my presence.
R., ask yourself “What am I teaching my children? Am I teaching them that it is okay for someone to be rude, hurtful and mean to me just because they are family?”
Just asking.
B. H, B.A.;B.Ed.
Family Success Coach