Out of Control Behavior with My 4 Year Old Son

This is really typical of 4yr olds. They've realized a new level of "power" are are testing it out. I second what Mom F. said - that he is communicating to you.

He's doing it really really badly though. I've found the best thing to do is to rephrase what he says in a way that you'd like to hear. You need to listen to the message behind the words or actions. Then say it for him and you can ask for a do-over, but it's not the most important part. Also, it doesn't mean that you agree or don't agree with his opinion, you are just substituting the language.

He will catch on and will catch on faster as he hears over and over better ways to get his point across. Every age has its challenges.

I agree with Julie B. that age 4 definitely was the worst age for my son. To be brief, everyone told my husband and I that we were not being "hard" enough on my son. We tried being "harder" and that just made everything 100 times worse. We finally got some advice that we actually were being too hard on our son. I did a complete change with how I dealt with him. I basically just started to be very calm and understanding. I will warn you, that this took all the patience I had and then some, and it took an entire month of this before we saw any change. My son had to get used to being treated with greater understanding as much as we needed to get used to treating him that way. One key thing to remember is that there is a reason for his behavior, but he probably cannot explain it to you. He is upset about something, or frustrated my something, etc. He is communicating this to you through his behavior because he doesn't know how to do it otherwise - he might not have the words, or he doesn't have the understanding of what it is. You say this just started 1 month ago, so think back to that time to try to figure out what is going on with him.

Is he on any meds? My daughter is 4 and has asthma. Her regular everyday meds are fine, but when she gets a cold and the dr. bumps her up to abuterol (which is a steroid) she becomes a complete nut job (for lack of a better word). She only needs the steroids when her breathing is bad, so of course we have to give them to her. She looses all control and her anger is just plain crazy. I have heard that this can happen with certain cold medicines as well. Just thought that I would throw that out there in case you might be missing something.

i think 4 is the age that they seem to start to absorb attitudes and behaviors from peers (seemingly the less desirable ones!) more than from us as mothers, for the first time. how sad right? at least that is what i've seen in my precious 4 year old boy. he has not gotten mean or anything, but i see him trying out things he's heard from (obviously) other kids. same kinds of things, "i hate you mom!" arguing with me, saying just wierd phrases that we don't use in our house. it's like they are teenagers already. the key to nipping this in the bud is discipline. consistent and firm. every time. you mention consequences but do you do just good old fashioned time outs? my son has been getting time outs since he was around two and that is his language now. honestly, i know it sounds like bragging, but about once is all he's trying these behaviors. most of them don't even come to time out. but when it's repeated, yes, he gets a time out and he hates it. i set the timer for 4 minutes and that's the end of it. it's all about him making the choice to act in a way that is not allowed. he choses to behave as he knows he should, or he chooses time outs. it's not about anger or hurt feelings. it's your job as the mom. the time out is immediate - not "tomorrow you can't go play with timmy because you told me you hate me". to a 4 year old it speaks a lot louder. good luck!

my 4.5 year old son is the same way, i hear everything from "mommy i dont like you" to calling me a baby when he gets upset. its very upsetting! what i have been doing is sending him into a quite spot when hes being mean, and it can be where ever he chooses usally its the bathroom, and he has to sit in there until he's ready to be kind and loving. i never call it time out because like i told him time out is for bad little boys and hes not a bad boy he just didnt use nice words/hands. as far as 4 being the worst age i totally agree!!!

I can't tell you how many time my kids have said, "I hate you!", over the years. Or tried to hit me because they were angry with me. Or their dad, or sibling. This is a phase he is going thru. He has to learn how far he can go! He will grow out of it. Does he need discipline when he does it. Yes, he does sometimes. When he says mean things, sometimes, but not necessarily, just tell him you're sorry to hear that because you love him. If he's hitting etc, then, yes, he does need to be disciplined in some way. Time out, taking away a favorite toy, 5 minutes of quiet time in his room, not letting him watch his favorite tv show, no dessert after dinner. Something that will really impact him. Even if he acts like it doesn't bother him. My son was great at "pretending" he didn't care if I took away his favorite toy or sent him to his room. But I knew it did and he was upset about it. Sending him to his room seemed to work the best for me. He was trying to get attention most of the time when he was "bad" and making him go to his room really frustrated him because he no longer got my attention, he was alone with no ones attention except his own.

The most important thing is, you have to be consistent. If you punish him once for something, and he does it again, you have to punish him for it again and again. Do not let him wear you down. And dad has to also punish him for doing the same thing.

You also have to be consistent at praising him for when he does good things. Like if he tells you he loves you. Or puts his toys away when he is asked to. A big hug and kiss is sometimes all it takes. No matter what you are doing, it only takes a second but lasts forever in his mind and heart. This is how he will learn that being good is much better then being bad.

I believe consequences must be immediate not delayed ( like missing a play date later) dont converse with him, lecture him, explain why he shouldn't say things : he is not a little adult and doesnt think like we do. Pick your battles, ignore "I dont like you" but immediate time outs for anything physical. No discussion or asking him why he is behaving this way. I like the 1,2,3 Magic approach two warnings then time out, without entering into a dialogue, hitting etc you can skip warnings and go right to time out.
to find out why (if there is a why) he is angry, play with him with action figures, dolls etc and eventually he may say things to give you clues. Does he have a new sibling?

Here are a few tips that you can try out to discipline your son that you may not have tried yet...good luck! And it seems that you got some great advice already on being more calm and understanding rather than negative and yelling when disciplining...so hopefully this link will give a few more ideas:

http://www.theskinnyscoop.com/search/discipline?utm_campa...

I cannot tell you how GLAD I will be when my son is no longer 4! Given what I've read in post after post here, 4 for some boys is FAR worse than 2 or 3. My son has definitely shown real signs of "meanness" this year as well -doing many of the things you describe. What are the consequences for breaking the family rules? Are they truly tough, and do you ALWAYS enforce them? What do you do when he tries to trip someone? My son has gotten better, but there's usually some trial every day. His mean actions have gotten MUCH better though. He actually hugs his little brother and is very sweet to us most of the time. You do have to tell kids this age things over and over and over. It seems that, quite honestly, by getting "mean" right back at him and explaining exactly how it was going to be if he didn't straighten up -I think it's finally gotten through to him. We have emptied his room of toys twice and made him earn them back. We have taken a number of things -including a day trip to Disney World -away from him for his behavior. Whenever I have to get ugly with him, I tell him that I can't be a nice mommy and have a son acting the way he acts, so if he wants me to be nice -he has to also act nice. It's been really tough! We started the year at a child psychologist and some of her suggestions did really help. I just wanted to make sure he didn't have some undiagnosed disorder! Reading the book, "Raising Your Spirited Child" also helped me a lot. There are a lot of suggestions if your son's personality fits this bill. Good luck, because it will send your frustration to stroke level! Also, make sure over the next several weeks, that you leave all day on Saturday or Sunday and let Dad take care of him. You need a break, and Dad needs to "get it."