Other People's Children

Just chuckle inside, knowing what that mother will be going through when he's 15, as a result of her lack of discipline in the early years.

You can't force someone else to discipline their child or to apologize. Unfortunately. All you can do it use the chance to talk to your child about the situation and why it is wrong. And try to explain to him that life isn't always fair and that not everyone plays by the same rules you do, but that he is a better person for not behaving this way and/or apologizing. Good for your son for telling the mom! That is great, and I hope my son will stand up for himself like that when he is 4.

But I wouldn't bother with talking to the other mom, it isn't going to accomplish anything except maybe making you angrier and causing a scene that you don't want your child to witness. People like that somehow always seem to win in those kinds of situations. It was not worth your time or effort.

You can only be responsible for yourself and your own children...don't waste your time and energy worrying about how another Mother did or did not respond to a situation.
I would have talked with your son, acknowledged that he was hurt and that the other boy wasn't playing nicely and then distracted him in some way and tried to turn things around to a more positive experience. He can learn from this that life isn't always fair, that people don't all act like they should and it is still possible to keep a positive attitude and move on with your life.

I think this is a situation where there really isn't much you can do about this boy's actions or the mother's actions (or lack thereof!). I think it is a good opportunity to teach your son about the fact that he will get into situations like this where he will have to stand up for himself and/or walk away, and that we cannot change people and how they will behave.

l

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If the kid is lacking social graces, it is no wonder that the parent lacks them also.
In these kinds of instances I would encourage my kids to "take a walk" with me, we go look for bugs, pick up stones, etc, then I leave in a short bit and find something else for us to do..

It takes a village to raise a child. I say that all of the time. We need to go out side of our comfort zone and draw a line and tell the child and their parents that the behavior is not acceptable, that the child should apologies, and that the parents need to get involved. And this is not a "new" way of handling it, before America went all PC, parents were very verbal with other kids and had expectation of other parents. Think back to "Little House of the Prairie", or "Leave it to Beavor".
I think it is great that your child went up to the other parent. As much as we need to stand up for our kids, they need to learn to do it for them selves too.
Hope this helps.
S.

I am extremely conscious of this for my 2 year old twins. This is an issue for us since they don't always understand their actions or why they are doing something. You stated that this was a younger child, so it may be one of those situations. However I do try to police my children to be gentle and I am typically within 10 feet of wherever they are so I can make changes quickly if this is happening. I would say that if this is an isolated incidence with this particular child ignore said child and the Mother, if it continues to repeat then have a conversation with the Mom and let her know how upset your child was/is. Even though my children don't understand the concept of apologies, when they hit each other and after time out or whatever I decide the corrective action to be, I ask them to hug in apology. If my child has done something to an older child who understands better I get down on that child's level and apologize for my child and then ask if it is ok for my child to hug the child that was hit as apology. The other option is to leave the area, I have done that when older children have become to rough with my child. not always the best option since my child can feel like the punishment is on them but sometimes that is the only option.

I understand your point of view and would have been quite upset to see a child hitting my child! It's very good that your son can stand for himself and go tell this mom!

On the other side, if I am a mom at the park and a little boy comes to me and tells me that my son was hitting him, I would:
1- probably do nothing for the following reasons:
- I haven't seen anything and have only this unknown toddler record
- I believe young children need to be "caught in the act" for the punishment to be meaningful.

2- or, depending on the child's attitude, I would call my son and ask him what happened (so he would answer in front of the other little boy). If he confesses, I would ask him to apologize and I would probably also come apologizing to you. If he denies, I would first give them a general speech about why it's wrong to lie (obviously one would be lying and I don't know which), ask you son if someone saw it and when confirmed, come and ask you what you saw and then ask my son to apologize for the hitting and punish him for the lying.

When I say "depending on the child's attitude", I mean that (unfortunately, bad but so true) I would pay attention to a child who seem very upset about what happened and react with answer 2. But, if the little guy comes to me smiling or with an "OK" attitude, I would think that the issue wasn't that bad or that the children resolved it between themselves.

I always watch my son at the park, so I would have seen it. In case I would have missed it, I would appreciate that another mom would tell me. But, this is always hard and delicate because not all moms feel like me and many are defensive.

Just my 2 cents to explain the other mom's behavior. (Even though if her TWO BOYS were constantly rough, she should have done something about it.

When someone's child is out of control, remove your child from the situation. You can comment to the other child that their behavior was not acceptable in your best Mom voice and leave the area. Getting into a confrontation with their Mom will do nothing but make you more upset and display behavior or language your child need not to hear.

I have a nephew that through the years has been a mean kid, hitting, making rude and mean comments, etc. He's 2 weeks older than my youngest. There is no talking with my brother about his son, as he is an only child and he can do no wrong, especially if I were to notice the wrong. So my youngest found the most effective way to handle any confrontation was to walk away, even if it meant playing by himself somewhere else. The nephew has learned, not as much as I would hope, but he has gotten the message thru his exclusion or lack of access to his cousins that his behavior isn't acceptable. I didn't have to say a word to him or my brother. When we were growing up, my parents taught us ( and some learned better than others) that it took a bigger person to walk away from a fight than to stay and take/give a hit. We would get in more trouble by returning a punch than we would by walking away. So teach you son to walk away when something like that happens. He's no one's punching bag. He's better than that. Go find somewhere else to play, something else to play with.

The mom was there and she was watching/hearing her kids play. She did nothing, and so your intervention/comments would have fallen upon deaf ears. Waste of your time and effort. Take your son and go play together or go somewhere else.

I feel your pain! Last summer a little boy shoved my daugher so hard RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS MOM she saw the whole thing and they were in the pool no less! The mom looked right at me and gave me a cold look and looked away. I couldnt believe it. I said nothing to her and just ran over and picked up my little girl who was crying so hard. I just was in shock that the mom could have cared less. No wonder her son was so mean. I just stayed away from them. I told my daughter to stay away from him because he was seriously not nice. (I didnt say so in front of the little boy though.) Sometimes theres just nothing you can do. You can pray for them though. Thats about it!
M.

I think it's cool that your son was confident enough to go up to the other mom and tell her what happened. He's only 4 and is able to speak up for himself! How many of us adults struggle with finding our voice and speaking up when somebody hurts us? Good job, mama! You were able to comfort your son and help him to feel secure after an upsetting situation.

A few years ago we had a play group that got together on Tuesdays or Thursdays. We were going to the park but the kids from the High School were coming over and smoking pot during lunch. We would have to call the Police and deal with that. Some moms, not my friends, would come to the park in shorts with their hineys hanging out and tops that left nothing to imagination, they would yell cuss words at their kids and sit and smoke cigarettes and talk about things kids don't need to know about.

We are ladies that are from a Church and our kids were never exposed to those kinds of things. They were made to apoligize and give their friends hugs if they did something like that. We eventually decided to move the play date to our church cultural hall and that worked better, the room is a basketball court witha stage on one side, it was even big enough to ride bikes inside it. The kids got bigger and are all in school now but they have fond mempries of having a fun experience with their friends.

Unfortunately that's typical. Just teach your son not to play with those types of children.

I think you did the right thing. If the child's parent is not taking action, I would tell the child that hitting is not okay and to keep his/her hands to their self.

Making a child apologize is not very effective. The parent can strongly encourage an apology and say we now must leave the park but no one can control anyone and that includes a parent / child.

i mean partly did what i would have done, except i would have addressed the boy in front of his mother, meaning i would have gotten my child, walked to the mom and say i don't know if you saw but your child was hitting my child. could you please do something about it. but like others have said she either didn't see it, or she chose to ignore it and there is really nothing you can do about it. when we run in situations like this we move to another place or leave altogether.

You are right that she *should* have made her child apologize, but from your description I would guess that she doesn't care and she's not going to. If she was your friend and your son played with the child regularly, you would need to discuss with her some specific boundaries for when the kids play together, but at the park it's just not going to fly.

So, my advice is to do exactly what you did--step in and stop the hitting. And then you can have a talk with your son that gives him some perspective. I would say that most kids hit at some time (so it's not just a bad kid), but that it doesn't feel nice to the person being hit (which is why we don't hit others!) and that their parents need to teach them not to. And some parents do a good job teaching that to their kids. And that's sad because that kids is going to have a hard time making friends if they hit.

This way you are a) protecting him, b) giving him a context to understand the behavior so he doesn't feel like a victim.

It's rough to see this happen and I will say it's even rougher when you see your own child being mean (physically or verbally) to another child. It really is normal for kids to do this stuff, but it's our job to help our kids learn these lessens--no matter which side of the situation they happen to be on.