3 And Half Year Old Son Likes to Hit/mess with Neighbour Girl

I think this is a phase. When children are around 3 years old, then do not have the reasoning skills to easily differentiate between appropriate behavior. My sons have both gone through this.

I have to watch them closely when playing with other kids, girls or younger children. They do not realize that other kids do not know their games. I try to teach them to use their words and ask the kids if they want to play tag, Duck Duck Goose or whatever. Then I tell them they need to use "gentle touches". I practice "gentle touches" with the kids when petting small animals. Whenever we see a neighbor dog, I ask the owner if we can pet the animal. I tell and show the kids how to do "gentle touches". I hold their hands and help them stroke the animal softly. Then I use the same wording when they are playing with friends. They have created a mental image when petting the animal. They are able to remember the experience because they enjoy the attention and action. I tell them that because they are gentle with the animal that they are able to play with the animal and pet them. I tell them it is the same thing with other children. If we are gentle, polite and compassionate, others will want to be around us and play with us.

I tell watch my kids like a hawk when they are with others. But... I really think that the visual image and practice of petting animals, focusing on the message and then re-interating that message with friends helps. I try to teach the kids to touch a person and not push. Pushing and hitting is never okay... even when playing. It's hard for adults to understand this sometimes, especially men...lol, but I think it's important to emphasize because young children do not know their own strength or how to control it.

Sandy,

Not to be condesending, but my first thought is to suggest that you never ask a child why he is doing something that is wrong because it will never be OK even if he has a good reason. They are smart little buggers, and if you ask them why, they start to think that there could be a good enough reason to get away with it. Too much talk is confusing, just stick with a quick "wrong, always wrong" and move on to the concequence that get to him the most and do it over and over no mater how many times (may take hundreds) and you might have more sucess.

What struck me most about what you said is that he is being pigeon holed into being the "bad boy" here and the situtuaiton just sounds bad to me. When adults are adding to the idea that he is a "bad boy" this cannot be a good thing for either of your sons. We had our youngest get into this trap, and we had to take both our kids out of that kind of situation and not put them back in, even thought it seemed good for my older child.

You need to be sure that your older son does not start to rely on blaming the little one for everything, because once you get there, it is hard to fix. The little one will soon fulfill this bad boy persona over and over again and you will be fighting the older child to stop reacting to every little thing and setting off the younger one to behave far worse than he would other wise just because he feels trapped by his reputation and does not know how he got it or how to stop it. The oldest can take on this "assistant parent" attitude very easily, and it can becaome a real problem in this kind of sceanario.

Hope it all works out.

M.

Hey Sandy,

Sounds to me like the little girls mom needs to tell her to quit whining just at the sight of your son. I know, not really advice for you. When my 4 year old teases/smacks my 3 year old they both get in trouble. The older one for teasing, and the younger one for whining and fueling the fire. About 90% of the time when I tell the younger one to stop yelling and whining the older one stops doing what she's doing 'cause it's no fun anymore and she sees she's not getting a response. And at this age, it is sometimes play. I totally get ya.

Hi, Sandy,

Sandy,

I read through all the advice you received and I did not think any of it was condescending. It's obvious that you're upset about the responses, but why? You asked us - and, yes, we are strangers - for help.

Reading between the lines, I wonder if perhaps you wanted us to say the little girl and her mother were making a mountain out of a molehill. Now you're upset because we didn't respond the way you wanted. You state that you don't tolerate hitting, yet your expressed frustration with the girl's mom (he's just playing, geesh!) leads one to believe otherwise.

We ALL are moms, and we all KNOW raising children is a big job, and often stressful. We come to this site to share motherly wisdom, and ask for/give advice. And when people give advice, it is based on their personal opinions. Many of us are of the opinion that hitting - in any sense of the word - is wrong, and should not be tolerated. I don't believe anyone is telling you "how to raise your children" by saying that hitting needs to be nipped in the bud, and advising you to dole out consequences.

I hope you can accept everyone's response in the spirit in which it was intended - to help you. We are all in the same boat (seeking advice and support on motherhood) or we would not be on this site.

Blessings,
J.

When my kids were small like this I would tell them if you are big enough to hit you are also big enough to be hit. I understand the other mother and I would tell my daughter that it isn't nice to hit but you will have to learn to fend for yourself mommy may not always be with you.
I would tell my son (and I have in the past)don't hit first but if you continue to hit then someone will hit you back. I would not idoley stand by and not help my child.

Hi Sandy,
I have been through this with my kids. When my younger child (girl) was 2 thru almost 5 years old, it was very difficult. Her older brother likes to play rough. I felt like I needed eyes all around my head to keep an eye on them. Even though he is older, he still does not understand that he can't rough house with her - she is just to young for that kind of play. It is hard for him because she likes to play rough for a minute or two on a very rare occassion. Now she is 5 and he is 10. It is starting to get a little easier, but the supervision is still needed. Before the age of 5 they are still forming their little personalities and who they are. You don't want that formative time to involve a lot of rough play.
It sounds like your younger son is being emotionally bullied by the older brother and neighbor girl. This is also not a good situation. The 2 of them thinking its funny to get your young son in trouble needs to be addressed. I think I would give your sons a break from playing with this girl for awhile. I am sorry, but you did use the word hit. I understand that this may be playful, but I think that even pretend violent play is wrong for the 3 yr old. He is not going to get the difference between play hitting and the real thing - he just to young. The rough play needs to take a break for awhile for all parties involved.
Best of luck.

How old is the little girl?
There are a lot of ways to look at this. My husband was a firm believer in "Boys do not hit girls" and he was serious about it period. However, we discovered as he got into middle school (I still think of it as Jr. High) that girls realized he wouldn't hit them so they hit him. I finally told him to ask them not to do, then tell them if they continued he would hit back and finally to hit back if they had been asked, warned, and did it anyway.
Maybe the best thing to do is to limit the times the neighbor girl can play with your older son to times you and her mother are both available to be outside monitoring the situation. If the younger boy hits her she is to immediately hit him back just as hard. If she whines then no one will cuddle her, etc., after a while the two of them will stop if they aren't getting A) her to go away and B) your younger son in trouble with adults and his going away. Remember this is in a monitored setting and both mother's have to be in agreement with this policy.
Maybe you should limit the time your older son can play with the neighbor girl to his playing in her yard with her and your younger son having to play with someone else someplace where his older brother and the girl are not playing.
She has found a way to get your younger son in trouble so she has time to play with the older boy without your younger son being a problem for them and your younger son resents it and has found a way to get her to go away. Jealousy on both sides? Sounds like it to me.
Here is an example of what I know can happen. My daughter brought home a kitten and we had a cat all ready who had been with us for about 8 months. The older one thought she had brought him a play toy and was rougher than I thought necessary with the kitten who meowed and cried when the older cat played with him so we would rescue the kitten and punish the older cat by sending him to a different room and closing the door while the kitten got cuddled and loved. One day the kitten started his howling and I walked into the room to find that he was alone and the older one was in the kitchen. I watched carefully over the next few days and realized most of the time the older one wasn't even near the kitten when he started the howling, it was a great way to get attention.
Kids are like that too. Unfortunately you are stating your younger son likes to hit her in hopes she will go away and frankly as he gets older he will be hitting other people to get them out of his way when he wants his older brother's attention too and it isn't the right thing to do either.
I will pray for all of you. There is no easy solution.
I am doing an edit because I didn't read the other responses and didn't know about your addendum about the hitting meaning messing around. Hope my earlier response did not offend you.

#1 neither of your boys should be hitting this girl even if it is for play. This is one of those things that if you let them do, they aren't going to understand why it is okay sometimes and not other times. It's got to be stopped now!! #2 I can't blame the little girl for fussing everytime your son even comes near her, she afraid of being hurt nor can I blame the mom for reacting the way she does. You've got to start taking away what means most to them, which is playing. If they do this then they don't get to play for 30min at a time. And you've got to be consistent with it, no hitting should be tolerated at all. Boys will be boys I get that, I've got 2 myself, but they've got to learn this isn't ok. You say your husband is very patient, well sometimes it takes a good, stern disciplining from dad for them to get the message.

It's really NOT ok for your sons to hit anyone! They shouldn't be hitting each other and certainly NOT the little neighbor girl! If they think it's ok to hit each other, then why not other people? I think if you let them hit, then you are going to have BIG problems when they start school. You need to take care of this NOW before he becomes a bully. Explain to BOTH of the boys that hitting anyone anytime is NOT ok. Then tell them that the consequence will be time out (or whatever you choose). If they hit again after the time out, they will not be able to play with whomever they are hitting. And they have to issue an apology to whomever they were hitting. If it's the neighbor girl, they need to apologize to her mother too. I can honestly say that if my little girl were playing with any child that hit her, I wouldn't let her play with that child again. Hitting is NOT playing!

Punishment is needed here. And make sure when older brother hits him, he gets punished too. You do not want him to hit others when he goes to school, so strict ruling is needed now. Put him in his room for 15-30 minutes when he hits. Increase the time each occurrence.

The thing that stood out to me was that you say when your older son plays with her the same way she loves it. It sounds like your younger son is copying his older brother and unfortunately the little girl finds the little one "NOT FUNNY" I would start by discouraging the behavior when you see it coming from your older son even if the little girl doesn't seem to mind it. If nothing else this may point out to the mother that part of the problem is her daughter's aversion to a behavior she normally tolerates when it's your little one doing it.
You don't mention how old the little neighbor girl is, but if she is closer in age to your older son i would suggest intervening to make sure that the playing is geared to the younger ones age level at least half the play session, and then keeping him distracted so the older ones can play bigger kid games for a while.
Understand that even kids don't have to like each other, and whether she's being logical or not, the little girl doesn't have to tolerate the same behavior from both boys. Just make sure that you are expecting the same behavior from both kids and don't allow them to play rough with the little girl if it is causing issues with the mother.

Yes it is causing tension. To the little girl your son is a bully. He is getting something out of his behaviour the questions are what and why. I recently went through an experience with my son. There was a kid in his preschool that was bulling him and others. The worse thing was he was also a ringleader and would divide the class and get the older kids to pick on the younger kids. There are several good books out there check them out at your local library.