Opening a Can of Worms

I'm not sure if these will help but I have a few ideas.

When my hubby and I first started dating we were terrible arguers. We'd just talk over each other and get more and more angry. Finally we started using "over." As in, I would talk, and when I had said everything I wanted to say, I'd end with "over." Then it was his turn to talk, and I would stay quiet and listen until he said "over." It was a little silly, but it worked, and now we (usually) can argue without talking over each other. Even still, if he starts talking over me I just say, "I haven't said 'over' yet," and we fall right back into it.

Another time with an old boyfriend, there was something he wanted to talk about but it was hard for him. So we sat on the floor, back to back, and talked. It was easier for him when he didn't have to look at me, kind of like email or texting can make it easier sometimes. And I also think our backs touching helped; a sort of subconscious support or something.

My last thought on this is actually a lesson I used to teach in a program for adjudicated teens called "Inner Scar, Outer Scar." You probably wouldn't do this EXACT thing with your husband, but maybe you could tweak it to work for you somehow. We would begin by everyone sitting in a circle. Then around the circle, one a time, everyone shows a scar they have on their bodies and tells the story about how they got it. Once that's done, the instructor then talks about how we all have scars on our bodies, but we also all have "inner scars" too. It could be an emotional scar from someone who did something to hurt you personally, or it could be because someone you really cared about, died, etc. Then we'd go around the circle again and anyone who wanted to (we didn't force it, of course) could tell about an emotional or inner scar they had. Usually an instructor would go first. It was really pretty cool. Most of the time every student would participate and it brought the group closer.

Hope that helps.

Edited to add:

I'm of the opinion that it's just not necessary to tell your SO all your skeletons. Some things are better left in the past. It doesn't mean you're not being honest. It's just that sometimes there's a reason that things ARE in your past, and not your present, and it's perfectly okay to leave them there. I don't know everything about my husband, and he doesn't know everything about me, and we're okay with that.

There are two parts to your question here (which is really similar to the one you posted earlier)...
1. Skeletons in the closet should stay in the closet unless they are relevant to what's going on now. If there is something that he needs to know, then by all means tell him. If there are choices that you made in the past (before you met him), then you can keep those to yourself.
2. As for how to communicate things that are bothering me... I have realized a few things. First, I don't approach him as soon as we get home from work. Neither of us is ready to have a real conversation at that point. I typically wait until our son is in bed and then we talk- turn off the t.v. and have a straightforward conversation.

You can't control or (often) predict how someone will respond to what you have said b/c you don't really know what they are bringing to the conversation. I can tell my husband to "buzz off" today and he'll make some ridiculous bee noise and leave... tomorrow he may have had a really long day and bite my head off. Just keep in mind that you are better to discuss things as they come up and don't wait until you are at the "explosion" point b/c that's when you say things that you regret.

Both of you need to repeat this solemn vow: I will leave the past in the past.

Seriously what good can come out of dredging up PAST issues. Move forward and make new, better memories from this day forward......

And I just have to say, that most men HATE when we blah blah blah on and on and on about the same thing (I hate that, too!), so chances are if you're getting an answer via text it's because he can answer and have it END! A question that requires an answer...then that's it. Promise?

I suggest you look up Non-violent Communication on the Internet. There is also a book. It's a way of talking with each other that invites trust. Often we word our questions or statements in such a way that they cause the other person to feel defensive. This form of communication suggests ways of thinking and wording what we want to say is such a way that the other person can better hear us.

I suggest that you can never get back to the fireworks that you felt at the beginning. You are different people now living in a different space in time. Yes, the basic you is still there but you and he have both changed as you've lived and had new experiences.

You can build intimacy and new fireworks but not by verbally going over the past. In fact when we have held onto the past and want to rehash it now we often, as you said open up a can of worms best left sealed.

If we haven't dealt with issues as we went along we may need to deal with them now. It's quite likely that many of those we have to deal with for ourselves without involving our partner. Our partner cannot help us feel differently about the past. It's our job to manage our own feelings. I suggest that you try some counseling for yourself first. Then, if there are issues that are between the two of you and cannot be managed on your own try couples or marriage counseling.

If the changes that you want to make are changes in the way the two of you relate now, then approach them in a non judgmental and accepting manner. This is where the "non-violent communication" will help. You do NOT have to delve into the past to make current changes. You may need to change how you feel about the past. He may also need to change how he feels about the past. Those are issues each of you needs to deal with on your own without directly involving each other.

Make new sparks. Learn new ways of communicating in the present. Leave the past where it belongs; in the past.

Dealing with the now... is not about trying to keep things... as it once was.
Couples.... grow, change, adopt or get rid of attitudes/hang-ups/attitudes... or they simply are not the same person as when they were single or younger.
So... in dealing with problems.. you cannot always "expect" things to go back... to what it once was... even about rekindling the flames... in a marriage.

So both partners... have to let go of antiquated expectations... and progress.... forward... with how it is NOW.... and what is hoped things will become.....

If a person is always wanting things like how it was in the past.... it is very hard... to please that person. Because, nothing now... is like how it was in the past.
And everyone expresses themselves differently... and per gender. So... making allowances... for that... and ACCEPTING a person for who they are... and working with that... and BOTH partners improving for the benefit of BOTH. And for the marriage....

Everyone has issues... or based on how they grew up... and letting go.... of things. Otherwise, progress cannot be made... and it is not the burden of the other person....

Something will always bother the other... nothing is ever perfect.
But improving basic communication... and expectations.... makes a big difference.... and working on yourself... too. Not just it being about the other person... having to fit into... it. No one... can be all that the other person wants or expects....

And if you expect to go through each other's closets... that they have had ALL their lives... is a ton of stuff. Do you have to do that???? I mean, if you are both say in your 30's... then that is THIRTY years of "stuff" and "secrets" to go through... not even a Therapist can do that.... nor quickly.

But it also mainly entails... in any relationship.. that the person work on themselves... too. Self-improvement. And not "displacing"... hang-ups or issues on the other... but working together. NO Spouse... is a cure-all for the other person's issues or secrets. Meaning... no one person can completely "solve" the other's problems. Because it also takes self-reflection and self-improvement... for that one person upon themselves. Even in Therapy... that is what it entails. A Therapist cannot "cure" a person.. of their issues or their past or their skeletons in their closet... unless that person works on themselves, too.

There is a time to let go of stuff... on your own. And maybe depend on a Therapist for help in managing it. A Spouse... is not trained to do that... and they may not even have the capacity nor ability... to solve every problem in or for the other Spouse.

Your Husband probably does not open up... in the way YOU want... because... anything he says/feels/attempts.... is probably not good enough. That is how men are. AND... so they shut-down. Because, they are walking on egg-shells. Then that creates.... negativity and irritations... for small or big things. A Man... just needs to be ACCEPTED for "who" they are. For any person... that is important. Not trying to change them for every little thing... because no person, can please another person, all of the time, nor consistently.
Your Husband sounds patient. Or irritated that nothing is good enough. Because it is always dealing with the same issues. And THUS... it deflates any "sparks" in a marriage....

Always having to deal with another persons "past" and their skeletons and their hidden worms in their closet... can be exhausting and unsolvable. It is not progress.

all the best,
Susan