Feeling Discontent and Unattracted to Engineering Type Husband

I haven't read the other responses but thought that I would add my two cents.
I hear what you're saying and have felt a little of the same in my own marriage. I really believe that my own feeling has a lot to do with the how tired having an infant has made me and also the emotional roller coaster of being a mom (and academic). Things are made worse by the fact that a year of breast feeding has made my libido all but non-existent.
In my case I know that I have a great man in my husband and I have faith (and hope) that we'll be able to re-connect as a couple sometime soon. If need be though, like you I'll be taking the couple therapy route.
The point in my responding is to say that you're not alone. Try not to give up on a good man and partner. i will make one suggestion though. Perhaps it's not couples therapy that would help as much as personal therapy. I went through several years of it before getting married at it and it really helped me find some inner peace.

I have been married for 8 years and have been with my husband now for 15 years. We have a great marriage, but there have definitely been bumps. The most serious was shortly after we got engaged, when my husband all of a sudden had somewhat similar issues as what you're describing (he loved me but was getting scared about marriage and wondered how he could know for sure that I was definitely the person he wanted to spend FOREVER with, because that's a long time). This funk period for us went on for, I think, about a year. It was a lot of work and emotional turmoil for us to get over it. We were both pretty depressed about things and could not seem to connect to one another, although I think we wanted to. I was, like you, being overly critical of him (because he wasn't treating me with the usual amount of love and respect, and he is normally an extremely respectful person). My stepmother gave me some excellent advice, which was that if you want to be married and if you want marriage to be forever, which we both did, then you have to understand that the commitment you make to someone is a commitment to marriage as well as to the person you are marrying, and you have to understand (especially if you get married, young, as we did), that such a marriage lasts for a long time, and it is extremely unlikely that during that time one or both of you will never want "out" of the marriage or at least fantasize about it. So she advised me to consider whether I was interested in committing to the relationship and, if I was, she told me to stop verbalizing my negative feelings and basically making every interaction with me a negative and ego-bruising experience for my then fiance. She told me to change my attitude and at least pretend I was happy when we interacted, and after dispelling the negative atmosphere, we could together start to work on the issues in a more positive way. It worked, and the advice not only saved my relationship at the time but, I think, will probably save it in the future. My husband and I both learned a lot about commitment through this experience. Even though we were not happy in our relationship at the time, we both saw that we wanted it to be a happy relationship again, and we understood that successful marriage takes work.

I do agree with another mom that you need to ask for what you want -- if you want excitement and romance, ask for that. If it's a candlelit dinner or a night out dancing or specific physical things ... ask for it. It might be nicer if your husband were naturally more this way, but given that he's not, you have to tell him. No one is a mind reader.

I don't know what you can do about his verbal skills. You might just need to find some other outlet for your need for deep conversations. Maybe if you asked him more questions about his feelings, he would get them out.

Because you have a baby, especially, I urge you to work on your relationship. It sounds like you have a good chance of making things work because there are a lot of positive things already. Try to focus on those things and to make your husband feel loved and special (even if this is an effort at first), and once you have eased some of the tension at home try asking your husband to help you with anything specific you can think of that will make you happier. I also agree that you should consider other (non-husband) areas of your life and see whether there are things that might be contributing to your state of mind.

I hope you figure things out. Good luck.

J., the best tid bit anyone told me was that although you wil allways love your spouce, there will be times in a relationship that you will fall in and out of love with him. They won't allways give you the butterflies or chills when they walk into a room, but you will constantly love that person a marrage isn't about being wooed all the time its about a bond and companionship, its talking to each other with out having to say the words. Its these ups and downs that create a strong relationship. As for your dilema with psyical attraction, when we are old we will all be wrinkley and frumpy, your attraction should come from your husbands dedication to your child and to you. This should far outweigh his appearance. We can't help how we look, he may sence your hesitation and resent and pull away from you. My husband and I have been together for 13yrs, we were teenagers when we began dating, I would never judge him on his appearance, as he would never judge me, our relationship is based on love and emotions, our dedication to each other and our baby. Although at times we take each other for granted and foget to woo each other the bond between us keeps us together through those times.

Good Luck!

I know first hand how hard this can be - I've been there - many of us have. I don't want to belittle your issues. I'd suggest a doctor's visit to check hormone, vitamin, etc. levels - and then a couselor to look at your life's dreams - what part of the issue is fantasy dreams, which part is real relationship issues, and which part is you looking outside for what should come from within yourself.

That said:
Sounds like the cycle that many people go through in long term relationships. And it's a hard cycle the first few times you go through it - very disillusioning to the romantic dream we are all sold these days. It's great to be on the other side and find yourself falling in love with your spouse all over again. And you realize that deeper love is better than first love - you just need to find ways to keep some excitement there (hard with a little one!). Sometimes when I see this cycle starting up again, I look at my wedding pictures or a card he gave me.

Also, look at your life. Only you can fulfill your deepest wants and desires. There is no Mr. Right and butterflies don't guarantee anything. You need to make yourself happy and create your own excitement. I also had a couples counselor tell me I was too critical of my husband - I wanted the fantasy husband who exists only in Disney movies and Harlequin romance books. I married a human and need to let him be himself. When I did he relaxed and I saw him in a better light.

One good test - what would you think if he wanted a different woman? Would you be upset? If not, perhaps the marriage is in trouble - is you would be upset then your marraige is okay, just a rough patch we all go through. Also, ask yourself what would you do while waiting for Mr. Right? Date the same way you did that lead you to this husband? Be alone for a while to figure out your life? Not easy to do as a single parent who will need to work to make ends meet.

I just reread your heading - you have typecasted your husband "engineering type husband" = Ty to see him as a person and not a type.

Good luck - whatever you decide, remember to keep your children's needs in mind. They need to know what a healthy relationship is - and that it isn't the fantasy we have been fed.

When I cried to my grandmother she said that today's women think there is a prince charming out there for us all. Once she cried to my grandfather that he never said sweet nothings or that he loved her. His reply was "I married you didn't I?" The point is - people have very different ways of expressing themselves and for some men they were taught that the best way to show love is to work and provide a stable home. My Grandma taught me to look for love in the smallest of gestures.

Hi J.,

One take on this--Are you having hormone flare ups? Are you disappointed in yourself right now? Do you want to do something like taking an art class or joining a book club or going out with your friends once a week, but you've been putting it off? Keep the focus on yourself, try to understand what it is that's bothering you, and try to be good to yourself. According to my mother, everyone else was responsible for what wrong with her life. Like her, I often blamed my feelings of disappointment on others because I didn't dare take the risk to do certain things on my own.

Another take -- You could think about why you aren't attracted to your husband. Are you feeling attractive yourself? What changed? Is he taking good care of himself physically, i.e., taking showers, brushing his teeth, keeping fit, wearing clean clothes? Is he controlling or drinking/drugging? My gosh, some engineers are tough to get to know, because they're so shy. But perhaps you could set aside some time to sit close together, talk about things that matter to you, and he may be able to talk about himself sometime. You may never have had true intimacy or you may have had it and the baby thing has shut off your connection with your husband and you may need to build it again.

A kind touch can do wonders. If you need to be touched, you need to ask for that. If you need sexual intimacy, you need to ask for that too.

Good luck, dear. This is tough stuff, but very much worthwhile to figure out. Cheaper than a divorce and easier on you and the baby too.

I have read everyone's posts here and I have to agree with many of them. I have been married with my husband for 13 years, we started dating when I was in high school and married right away when I was 18. We have three children we love so much. I feel that we have had to grow together, and now I know that as we grow our tastes change, the only thing is we are committed to each other and I truly learned this after we separated for 6 mo 7 years ago and no matter how miserable I feel at times(I never really let it get as bad as it was for either of us now that I can see the signs that we are falling back into that slump) I do feel more love for him. There are times I am not attracted to him, but like another mom said, we have to look at the small gestures they use to show their love. He still opens the door for me, even when they all open at once electronically... little things like that.
Lastly, the one thing I tell my friends who think I should leave him when I'm venting(which I don't vent to them anymore since they don't understand that its normal at times, and they are in there 30s and single..because they are really waiting on Disney's Prince Charming).... the bottom line is when people live in the same home, they will get on each others nerves, we will see all their ugly faults, and the more unhappy we are the more we will see theirs, and if this is true with how I feel with my children at times, the people I love more then anything in this world, the people that came from me, then why wouldn't it happen with my husband?? It happened growing up with my mom, my sister and I couldn't imagine my life without them, and we get along so much better now, I never doubt my Mother's love for me now, but growing up I sure did. I truly feel its because we no longer live together, we can't get on each other's nerves like we used too. LOL My husband and I have been able to understand that we will always love each other, but we may not always "like" each other, which is the same with everyone I love, including myself!! And please believe me.... I wish I had married someone who was more emotionally available, especially now that I see my little girl growing up and I feel that she is missing out on that, but the bottom line is that I compliment and make a point to remind her of the wonderful ways he shows her besides the hugs and smiles and other "Seventh Heaven Moments"... that is another little joke between my husband and I... when I feel that I need more attention, affection, or that special something between us and/or our children.. i'll joke, but baby I wanted a "7th heaven moment" and we both smile. and laugh realizing this is reality.

A lot of things can change as a relationship endures over the years. It doesn't always mean a bad change - maturing can be a good thing. Sometimes it takes longer than 4 years, but sometimes even less. Things can also change when people have a child. They see themselves as parents first, not as partners/lovers. They also see new sides of themselves coming out, and new sides of the other one. These tendencies may have been there but just not evident because the "trigger" (e.g. your child) wasn't there before.

It is common to fantasize, so don't beat yourself up about it too much. You don't have to feel guilty for your thoughts - just accept them. If you act on them, that's something else. It helps to realize that, even if your fantasy man appeared in real life, once he went through the changes of a real relationship, he might adjust, act differently, or not appeal to you as much.

On the one hand, you are very lucky to have a husband who loves you so much and who, when your daughter arrived, totally adjusted to his new role. Some men don't bond or else become distant from their children when they see that the child takes up so much of the mother's time and focus. However, that doesn't mean that you don't have these feelings or that you are obligated to force yourself to love and desire him sexually. So maybe you can do some things to help get past this.

Can you schedule a date night, and promise yourself NOT to talk about your daughter? See yourselves as a couple, as lovers, not just as parents? Is there someone who would watch your daughter for a weekend or even just an overnight? There are some great hotel deals through places like Hotwire and Priceline - maybe you can spring for dinner and a play (or museum or concert, or a hansom cab ride, whatever you like) and then a hotel room with a view or champagne & strawberries, maybe couples massage to relax you. Be together, talk, walk while holding hands, and so on. There must have been something that appealed to you at one time - it can't just be the idea of stability. Maybe you can reclaim that, or discover something new. It doesn't have to be perfect, just something endearing.

If your husband knows how you feel because you have been to counseling, maybe you can let him know that you'd like to try and you'd appreciate it if he could reach outside of his comfort zone a little bit and push himself to be a little more romantic or whatever it is you need. If you both try, you'll be a little closer toward the middle.

Try to be a little easy on yourself - you have both had a huge transition in the last year, and both your body and your mind have been through a lot. From body changes to hormones to an adjustment in your mindset, having a child - regardless of how much you adore her - is a massive change.

Give this some time, set aside a date night at least once a month, be a couple and not just parents, and also consider getting some individual counseling to help you sort these feelings out over time.

Good luck - and you are doing the right thing by reaching out!

I feel like I could have written some of what you described, except instead of marrying the provider of stability, I married the exotic foreigner who gave me butterflies and fireworks and was fairly emotional (for a guy). After 20 months of being parents together, though, the outcome is similar to what your feeling. I also feel unattracted to him sometimes, wish he were more open to me, wish he'd treat me differently, provide more romance...all that. My point it is courtship, fireworks, butterflies all fade and usually pretty quickly. What doesn't is the foundation of love and family and somehow you'll need to find out how adjust your outlook so THAT is what helps you fall in love with again, when you're feeling out of it.

I know that's difficult. I've come to realize, my attraction to my husband and other men I had relationships with came from the feeling of being wooed, but my husband is the only one I feel compelled to spend the rest of my life with. Now I'm trying link the immense joy I experience with him as a parent and the love I have for him with feelings of attraction and also, as others have said, trying to draw more satisfaction form the little things he does.

I've also realized part of what turned me on with my husband (pre-baby) was my attraction to myself (weird and narcissistic i know) - I felt sexy, powerful, and like I was getting what I want. I'm still looking for ways to find those qualities in myself now as mother. I think toddler moms start looking for their identities again that go beyond mommyhood. Exploring that and engaging in activities that promote your sense of self I think will definitely improve your outlook on your relationship.

When you leave the hospital or wherever with your baby, nothing even looks the same right? It's the same with your relationship to your husband and yourself, and it takes time to get your bearings. It's only been one year in the scheme of an entire lifetime as a family - you'll emerge from this as an even stronger couple and family with commitment.

I agree that your having an 11 month old probably has a lot to do with how you are feeling. Are you nursing? The hormones I produced while I was nursing DEFINITELY affected how I felt about my husband. In particular, they really lowered my sex drive (not just toward him, but the idea of it with anyone). After I stopped nursing within about a month I felt totally back to normal. Life with kids isn't easy, but the hormones really make it tricky!! Best of luck.

I agree that a lot of what you are feeling has to do with the transition to being a mother. I do think it is normal to fantisize about being "swept off your feet" or to have questions about what it would be like to have married someone different -- especially when you are in the thick of the very labor intensive period of mothering an infant. However, if the person you married is commited to you and your child and is a good person, in my opinion it is wrong to persue those thoughts of ending the marriage. I recently read "Babyproofing your marriage" and highly recommend it!

Some good thoughts from pp. I second (a) seeing what else is going on with you and if there are any things you can do to be happier in general, and (b) reconnecting with why you fell for him and what is of value in him and (c) reconnecting with what is of value in your relationship.

But I guess my message for you is twofold:
1. Make sure you're not setting up a false dichotomy. Your options in this moment are not necessarily "him OR Mr. Right". You know? In real life, you might leave him or push him away and end up alone, at least for a while. It may be a little while or it may be a long while. So make sure you're clear that your fantasies about ending up with someone more right for you are just that until you locate this other person. Are you ready to be alone?

2. I sincerely hope you'll give your husband and yourself another chance...and what that therapist said...if you're being too critical of him, are you perhaps being too critical of yourself as well? I'm only asking because I've been there, done that, so I wonder.

One final note: I did actually leave a wonderful man I was with for seven years. He loved me and I loved him but we had grown apart. This manifested itself similarly to what you're talking about. But I will swear that the only reason I survived leaving him was because I had the strength of my convictions and knew for sure that as great as he was, I had to go it alone. We didn't have kids, and it still wasn't easy. So I guess I'm saying: give your relationship all you've got before you jump ship, but if you do decide to jump, please do it kindly for everyone's sake. Leave him because you need to for you, and to set a good example of taking care of yourself to your kid/s.

Having been there, marriage has its ups and downs. My thought is that to have gotten this far with this man there had to have been some attraction at one time. You just had a baby too. That can mess up mind and your body. And we all know that to have a good marriage you have to work at it. Believe me i wanted my engineer husband out more then once. Maybe some time alone with yourself (long walk on the beach) to decide if you want to save this marriage then some time together to recapture what had to have been there in the begining. People give up too easy on relationship these days. Look at the good things in your life and try to add to them. Men don't always think and feel the way we want them to sometimes we have to treat them like a garden:
Plant the seeds, water, sun, weed and given time reap the rewards. After 27 years my garden is beautiful.

J.,

You didnt mention that you love him or not. Sounds like your in a slump. Feeling lonely is a awful feeling when your married. Maybe he is feeling the same way as you, maybe he is lonely in your marriage also. Do you want this to work??? You need to sit face to face and talk to your husband. Good men are hard to come by, so be sure that you know what you might be giving up. Find things about him that are good and work from there. Stop criticizing him and you may find a fun, emotional, giving man under there. He maybe afraid to approach you, I would if you did that to me. Think about it, if he criticized you all the time....would you open up, be romantic. Take a good look at your self. I hope things work out the way you want to, it takes work, fun, and a open heart. You might just find that handsome romantic man your craving in your own home!

D

I know that you are have already responded, but I just wanted to say, that you are not the only one. My friend and I talk every day about our unresponsive engineer type husbands. What were we thinking??? You should join our conversations! The only thing I can say is that when you have young children it seems to accentuate the problems that may underlie a marriage. My kids are getting older and I am liking my husband better. Sometimes! LOL.

Hi J. C, Its C. H -

Try accentuating the positives - figure out what you really really LOVE about him being your husband - for the moment table your daughter and see your relationship as something that needs major work. Speaking from personal experience, if you don't find the root of your issue - which absolutely sounds like communication or lack there of, your discontent will only grow and you will find what you are looking for in someone else. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is a great book that was used in my christian marriage counseling sessions along with the book called Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed and Gaye Wheat.

I would also take the time to step up your own personal care routine. I know its so easy to be a mom who has adequate hygiene but what if you took time and attention to detail about how you could make yourself look 100% better. I think if you initially took yourself on as a project for 3 months, raising your own standard for your own personal care, this could then become an issue that could flow on the conversation table with an ease that would carry less shock potential. At the very least, you should discuss this and give him the option to change - I am a trainer and you would be surprised what protein powder and 6 meals a day can do to a thin frame! Hope this helps!

Also Get RID of the LOVE STORIES!!! I am not sure if you are reading them but they do not describe real life and describe sex with bodybuilders that do everything the woman wants thru intuition. REMEMBER these are stories written by women and they are describing their "perfect man" or the heroine's "perfect man". These are not real people that deal with the everyday disappointment of real life. Do yourself a favor and give away the fantasy and work on reality. If you are reading the books, they can really influence your real-life relationships. Stick it out!!!

You might consider getting some counseling. It sounds like you have a different communication style from your husband so what you need to communicate love to you is not how he communicates love to you. You may be missing his communications because you don't know what to look for from him. I highly recommend Dr. Richard LeBel in Salem, MA if you live near there. He is a very compassionate, and highly educated PhD clinical psychologist (which means he does not prescribe drugs) who has done wonders for a lot of my patients. Every one comes back happy that they saw him and have been able to improve their lives. If his location is convenient to you, give him a call at ###-###-####.
Dr. E

Hi J.,

Well...I am usually a big pro marriage/family person. That being said, not everyone is meant to be together. We all go through times when we are not feeling "in love" with our partner. The idea that a marriage should always bring butterfly's is a myth that sets individuals up for disappointment. Nobody's relationship stays in the courtship phase and I am sure all married individuals have times when they miss the excitement and romance of new love.

Most of these people stay together because they have come to understand the greater depth of intimacy that comes with a lifetime of experiences shared. Also they stay together because that is the best scenario for children if possible. Believe me, the world is full of 50 plus year olds entering their "Golden Years" alone; many wishing they could have their first love back. That is not such an appealing future.

It is not easy dating as a single mom. You have to be very proactive to make opportunities to meet quality men. It is hard enough meeting quality people when you are a single, childless, twenty something. Ask any single woman.

However, people do make mistakes and your letter really indicates a lack of love or desire for your husband at all. It sounds like you have tried counseling and although your husband is a decent guy, he just doesn't do it for you. At some point you have to decide if it is fair to your husband to waste his time this way. Better to deal with this now then wait several more years and then break up. It will only be that much more complicated and that many more years wasted.

If you truly feel you cannot feel romantic toward this man and you can imagine him being married to someone else and taking your daughter on weekends with his new wife even if YOU are still single and this image does not disturb you, then you may be ready to dissolve this relationship.

If you do move forward with this decision, be as amicable as you possible can for the sake of your daughter. This is the only father she will ever have and that relationship is precious. Be careful not to use your daughter as a pawn in your relationship. She should be the number one priority. I wish you all the best. I know this is a difficult decision and if it is at all possible to try counseling more then do so. You don't want to have regrets later. This decision will come with many ramifications.

God Bless You And Your Family,

J. L.

I don't think this is something you are going to sort out on a message board. I would suggest you go see a therapist. Leaving your husband is a MAJOR change not only in your life, but that of you daughter. If you are fantasizing about leaving that sounds like you are one step away from an affair if the right man came into your life. I would say a marriage counselor could be really helpful to your marriage.
Good luck.

Hi J.- the one thign that really stuck out to me in your email is that your child is 11 months. I think you are going through what most women go through upon having their first child, questioning everything, going through hormones and varying feelings, and that you are right where you need to be. hang in there and give it some time to balance out. This is a time of huge changes in your life- your identity, your family dynamic, sleep patterns. etc. You may find that you feel differently and have more clarity in a few years!

This is a tough one, but I believe Marriage really is "for better or for worse" If you aren't getting what you need from him, you really should find another outlet. Are you involved with other groups of adults? Book group, Church, Sports, or other volunteer stuff? I hoped my husband would become more romantic, and he did a little, after he realized how much he loves his two kids, and we share that. You can't make him change, but every relationship has problems, separating is a last resort. I also suggest you go away a few times a year without the kids, so you can remember what it was like before.

I could have written this myself, word for word. I'm sorry that I don't have many words of wisdom for you as I am in the same boat, but I look forward to reading your responses in hopes of some help as well. Good luck.