I have read the book " The 5 Love Languages" and it has been determined what mine and my husbands love language is. I have become very cognicent of making sure I try harder to speak his love language, which is " Acts of Service". I keep the house picked up, I do the laundry, I take care of our children MOST of the time, it is hard to put a percentage on this. When I look at it, these are things that have to be done, there isn't much extra effort to be had...we can't live in filth, we have to eat and we have to wear clean clothes, bottom line.
My husband has a career in which he is gone every 3rd day for an entire 24 hour period. This requires me to take on more of the parenting side of taking care of our 2 and 4 year old daughters, which is fine, we have a routine now, things are much easier than they used to be. So my husband is aware of what my love language is "physical touch", I am a woman, so naturally I think this comes with the territory. After much discussion and deliberation on how to make things stronger in our relationship, I don't feel like things are going to change in the aspect of having my "love language" addressed by my husband. So my question is, is this something counselor worthy? Any ideas from those of you who have had any experiences similar or have been successfully married for many years. In june we will have been married 7 years, just for some insight. ON a side note, this is NOT the same man I met 10 years ago, I know he has an affectionate side and I know he knows how to be romantic. That is part of my frustration....I know he has it in him. He has verbalized that in fact "sex seems like a chore" and that he doesn't prefer it at night,at night is when he likes to watch tv, and wind down, he prefers it at unexpected times. Not exactly ideal with a 2 and 4 year old running around. He also verbalizes that he doesn't need affection from me for him to know that I love or care for him, the acts of service that I do around the house and caring for our children is enough for him. I am just trying to find a balance and I am having a really hard time figuring out how to make this work. I can't force him to show me more affection...Does any of this make sense? Am I being selfish here?
Thanks so much for all of the words of wisdom here! Surprisingly, me and the hubs have been talking the last day and a half now and I honestly feel like the lightbulb is slowly coming on, we both agree that we are filling each others love tanks with the gestures that we like and things that make us individually feel good. All along I've felt like providing him a card or nice note was a gesture that he would really love, when in reality, that is what I would love. He says, while he appreciates it, it isn't something that he craves...make sense? We have both agreed to give it 3 months and see what happens...he of course doesn't want to spend the money on a counselor, but isn't opposed to it in order to make the marriage better.Lastly, I have to admit that my husband is an amazing father and provider. He works his butt off for us to have the things we need. He does cook, clean, do laundry, takes care of the yard etc...his job requires him to have a yearly physical. Everything checks out fine. We are both 30, well he is 31 in a few weeks. I do feel like a testosterone check would be beneficial. There is never any problems in the bedroom per se once things get started, the problem is the time allowed for it to happen, the window is SLIM! Again thanks for the help! It's good to know we aren't alone out there!
I'm the opposite. I'm an Acts of Service girl and am dating a Physical Touch guy. If I know that he is Physical Touch, know that's not high on MY priority list, then it comes down to love. If I love him and want him to FEEL that love, then I show him in ways that mean the most to him. If I don't do that, then I'm being selfish.
ugg i typed a huge response and i accidentally erased it, If i have time later i'll retype. until then, I hear you sister.
Yes, hon. Feeling unloved is DEFINITELY counselor worthy.
ROFL... He cracks me up. "I feel completely loved, you already make me feel so loved, you don't need to do anymore than you already do!" in response to YOU not feeling loved.
That's sort of like you saying
"I'm thirsty."
and him saying
"I'm not thirsty, because I have this giant glass of water. So you shouldn't be thirsty either. No, no, no... don't get a glass of water for yourself! I already have one!"
No, you are not being selfish. You have told your husband you want/need touch, and he, for whatever reason, is refusing.
Yes, a counselor is probably a good idea. Then maybe your husband can figure out why he is refusing your simple request. You require more physical touch, that is easy enough for him to do. Your husband would have a better life if he would give his wife a little touch here and there, which wouldn't take much effort, yet he won't do it. A good counselor is in order.
Sounds to me like he has a maid, not a wife.
I think your desire for affection is a normal request.
I have found in my own marriage & those of my long-term married friends
that this has gone by the wayside.
Meaning life has gotten in the way: being together a long time, having
kids (even those w/o kids report this issue to me), stress, jobs, being
tired etc.
My husb & I went to counseling. While it did help, I feel we were better
when we were still going. Things have since gone back to the way they
were.
I think it is hard to change.
I know I can't change him so I try to work on myself.
I try to do what I want in life, what makes me happy. A happier ME,
makes me a better partner.
Then lo & behold, my husb is more loving.
I think in your case you can find a happy medium.
Find some time for sex when the kids are in bed still (morning?) or at school.....whatever works for your team/household!
I have found if I am nice to my hubby, more loving to him myself.....he is
more loving to me.
Having said that, in general, I think relationships are hard, go in waves, change over time, the love we experienced w/our mates in the very beginning turns into something different. More long lasting.
Alan Alda said it best in the movie: Four Seasons....."Marriage (they were married 25 yrs) is like a roller coaster. It has it's ups & downs.")
So true.
Do for yourself, do for your family & do some nice things once in awhile for your hubby.
I don't think things will ever be the same btwn us pre-kids but I have grown to appreciate our union, family & life!
I make myself happy surrounding myself w/friends, extended family, working out when I can, trying to keep a positive attitude, enjoying the time I spend w/my little one etc.
Our relationship has ebbed & flowed over the past 3 yrs. We're in a pretty good spot. I don't think it will ever be like it was but all relationships change: that w/siblings, parents, bosses, work friends, long time friends etc.
Hope that help!
It makes sence and you are entitled to see things from your perspective-You are not alone however so remember this and maybe try giving him extra opportunities to fulfill your love language. I am learning to be physical at the oddest hrs LOL
Anything that is important to you is "counselor worthy". It's about effective communication, and if you feel that you are not getting through to your husband in some area, by all means get some help.
I don't know your ages, but maybe your husband is having some hormonal issues (thyroid?) that keep him from being excitable.
The two of you can make it work. The thing about love is that the time of sowing (planting the seeds and nurturing them with water and fertilizer) is not the same time a harvest. There is no force in love, it is not boastful or rude. Love is patient and kind and does not seek its own way.
Reading the Love Dare with my husband was really great for growing the two of us closer together, when our relationship was in a rocky place, but it can be read alone as well.
I have a 5 year old, nearly three year old, and a 15 month , so I know what kind of effort you are talking about with household maintenance. Know, too that this is a season in your lives together.
A counselor would undoubtedly be helpful in bridging the communication gap that you two have going on. Also getting your husband physically checked out to rule out anything physical that might be getting in the way of him showing physical affection would be good. It's always good to rule out the easy possible causes of the undesirable effect.
Here is a way of framing your words that I learned from Chip Ingram:
When you do _______ , I feel ________ .
It takes away the feeling of blame and accusation and let's the other person really hear how you are feeling. So in your case, you might say something like "honey, when you watch TV for hours in the evening and don't hug me or hold my hand, then I feel unloved."
Good luck, and may God bless you and your husband with ears to listen to each other.
Here's the approach that I would take with your man.....
Given all the love languages...it's actually quite possible to have all of them satisfied outside the marriage. Except, in our society, it is not morally acceptable to have the Physical Touch one satisfied outside the marriage. The Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation are probably the easiest one's to have met by others, hire a maid, buy a card...you're done.
But Physical Touch....uh-uh...not OK to step outside the marriage for that one need. How would your husband like you to satisfy this need then? Shall you look elsewhere? Or, can he give up his TV just one night a week to start with and spend it with you? You as a mother of young children need his manly adult time. You are committed to filling up his love cup, he needs to meet you half way.
This is not a black and white proposition where he has to give up relaxing every night. Start with just one night a week of commitment.
GL!
I think that Riley J makes a great point - try giving him that example and see what his reaction is.
I haven't read the book but I would imagine that the premise is that you fill his love bucket in a way that he recognizes, and he'll feel happy and loved and will then want to fill yours in a way that registers love to you. Does it talk about what happens when that doesn't happen? It shouldn't be one-sided. I don't imagine that a book like this advocates withholding, but is that something to consider? Have you tried to stop your acts of service to see if he recognizes the absence of your loving efforts and can recognize how that feels and can then understand how you feel because he is neglecting your needs? Maybe he's too comfortable and needs a little jolt. I'm not saying that in a "tit for tat" way but your positive approach isn't working.
I wish my hubby would read that book, I was actually trilingual, and I'm pretty sure I know that he is "touch". but that said, my hubby works 24/48's also so I'm familiar with the schedule, all our kids are in school now so we can be more spontaneous now which is very helpful but you have a ways to go till you get to that point. I have to agree with whoever suggested that you can start the touching process (in the beginning) so that you can find ways of touching and intimacy without sex, since you do have young children, you can't just have sex whenever you feel like it but you can hold hands, and sit close, those kinds of things. We have also used the "3 second kiss" where you actually kiss for three seconds when your hubby first comes home or is getting ready to leave the house (for work or play) it gives us a sense of intimacy and touch when the kids are around. My hubby said that when I just touch him as I walk past him helps him with "touch" a lot which you might share some ideas of "touch" with your hubby so he can understand little ways that would help, I would have never thought just touching my hubby as I walked past him would mean anything but I didn't know, I try to make a point to just go touch him (stroke his arm, play footsies, hug, 3 second kiss,) multiple times a day, and it helps him but I had no idea that those little things could make such a difference.
best of luck,
I suggest that you initiate the touch. Give him a hug. Sit down next to him and lean against him and/or hold his hand. Cuddle in bed without the need for sex. Touch doesn't have to be sex to show love.
I suggest that when to have sex is a different issue which the two of you need to work out through discussion and trying different ways of meeting both of your needs. Perhaps agree that one person, including you, can initiate sex once a week or how often agreed upon.
I also suggest that you read Non-violent Communication. This gives ideas on how to talk so that the other person can hear what you're saying instead of just reacting to the way you said it. This will help in finding a balance.
You can get some of your touch needs with your children. I'm not married nor am I dating anyone. I feel love thru holding, hugging, being with my grandchildren. I feel loved even tho I don't have a significant other.
Did he read the book too? It's hard to change a relationship when only 1 person wants to change.
It sounds like you've both fallen into a routine where he works, comes home and relaxes while you run the household and take care of the little ones. No you aren't being selfish to ask for more affection and yes it seems a bit unreasonable given the fact that your children are 2 and 4 to think there will be sex at unexpected times.
Congrats on taking that step to figuare out both of your love languages. I didn't discover this till 5 yrs into my marriage and it could have saved some time and frustration. I am also a physical touch kinda girl and hubby was not so I feel your frustration. Have him get his testosterone checked. Mine didn't do this till after I told him I wanted a divorce, now we had far more issues than our love languages being different, but his mood improved 10 times over with the addition of testosterone cream and of course makes them more ho*** for you which is nice when you're a touchy kinda girl. Counseling is also a great idea. Good luck!
My hubs is not affectionate or verbal and I need those two things from a spouse. With that being said...when I start to get those thoughts...like am I not cute enough, sexy enough....etc I start thinking about how men are natural caretakers (bring home the bacon mentality) that's how God made them not to be all coochie coochie coo LOL
that's a woman's trait. Sure I'd prob pass out if he complimented me but he works his a** off for this family and that is more than most men will do. That is how they show undying love to us. I went to counseling (before being married to him) and they will always tell you to not put expectations on your spouse. I know this is not what you want to hear but like you said cleaning and "service" comes natural to you and over time people change so all the romance might not be natural to him anymore. Try to give him a break and look at all the positive things he brings to the table. I'm assuming he is a good provider and dad or you wouldn't be with him. I personally have been trying to think more like a "guy". They don't sit there and think about how we didn't cuddle long enough last night or stroke their hair or tell them how hot they looked. They just live life and don't think negatively about us all day long like we wives tend to do. I hate to say it but I think they have one up on us in this respect. Girlie put on some sexy stuff and a lil candlelight for Valentines (surprise him) and do it somewhere different like the stairs (hehe) or pull him into the closet and just have fun with each other...pretend you just got married : )
Try telling him in a kind way at the time you have an example of what you need then and how you feel. I know, he won't see it most likely but men need specifics in detail. Have him read the book with you and then talk about it. Maybe you could do that even while kids are up and running around so he has his TV time too. I would try doing the Love Dare book too and if he won't read that with you and do it then do it alone. I think when the love languages are so different some people, man or woman at times, are selfish in thinking someone else's needs don't matter because they don't understand them. You need to wake him up quickly. Do it kindly but firmly and get his attention. Maybe you could compromise and somehow put the kids somewhere to play safely or take them somewhere for an hour with family, etc. and do an unexpected time. Work hard at it. If not it will only get worse and you'll have more issues or just settle down in a very unsatisfying life in the same house.
I would start with making sure he has a complete physical exam, this could be a health problem, especially if this is not how he has always been. Does he exercise at all? Is he very overweight or drink too much or smoke too much or ?? In the meantime put sex on a back burner and try to schedule some date nights, two adults in a more romantic atmosphere, no kids around. Ask him for massages, nothing more. And YES get a counselor this is SO important for the survival of your marriage, it will not get better on it's own, you will not just learn to live without it, he will not suddenly find more energy and desire. Good luck, I was there once. The marriage fell apart, (not because of that, but clearly not a great marriage) sad for the two little kids we shared, but on the plus side my second hubby and I have No problems in the bed room even though we are much Older....
