One Parent Wants Divorce; the Other Does Not.

I think this is just one of these situations where you tell kiddo that there is too much water under the bridge and that it is probably not something he will be able to fully understand until he is older.

DH, if you are done with your marriage or your husband is done with the marriage and there is no way to reconcile or meet in the middle? You tell the kids the TRUTH. Use the KISS (Keep It Simple Silly) method and tell the children the truth.

DO NOT use the child to black mail the other parent. They should NOT be pawns, for lack of better words, in a chess game called life. it's NOT their fault the marriage is breaking up and in NO WAY should they EVER be made to feel like it's THEIR responsibility to change the other parent's mind.

The children MUST be kept as the priority in this. It's NOT THEIR FAULT their parents couldn't keep it together. They need to know that BOTH parents STILL LOVE THEM...even though they aren't in love with each other anymore...

DO NOT tell the child "mommy wants this and daddy does not" - they do NOT need to know this. They just need to know their lives are about to change in a HUGE way...

"we will no longer be a "family unit" under one roof. We will be living separately and while we are living separately, our love for you has not and never will change"

How the hell would the kids know WHICH parent is pushing for divorce unless someone has already poisoned their minds or the adults have been saying terrible things to one another in front of the kids?

ETA: Kids should NEVER know the reasons.

Dad cheated? Mom bears that burden silently, venting only to her friends and family. She just smiles and tells the kids that their dad loves them and will still be their daddy.

Mom is just a beast? Dad emphasises to the kids their mom's good traits, and that they will both always be there for them. He vents to his buddies and family about his ex.

ETA2: Have mom and dad already tried counseling?

The divorce is going to happen. Instead of talking to the kids about what either parent wants or doesn't want, talk to the kids about how much both parents love them.

On your SWH:
The fact that dad is working on correctong the behaviors that drove mom to leave is great for dad. But that doesn't mean that he can repair the relationship with mom. Sometimes attempts to make amends come too little too late.

I think the unbearable person should stop thinking about how they look and start thinking about other peoples feelings.
Someone needs to grow up.
You dont do this to kids, keep it to yourself.

My parents divorced when i was 11. My youngest brother was 4, my oldest sister was 18. There were 5 of us.

My father left to be with his much younger girlfriend and ended up moving to the other side of the country. My mother hardly said a bad thing about my dad. We knew the score though. We all knew waht was really going on. And becuase my mom never said bad thigns about my father she gained enormous respect in our eyes.

As I recall my mom said something along these lines "Dad is moving out for now - you know we've been fighting alot lately right? We're not really getting along very well so we think it's a good idea to live separately now. The most important things for you to know, and remember, is that daddy and I both really love you alot. There's never a time we're going to stop loving you. We jsut don't like each other very much right now. I'm nor sure how this will all work out in the long run. Sometimes moms & dads get back together and sometimes they don't. then you can add (a) Let's see how things go or (b) I don't think we'll get back together - but you never know what might happen or (c) I don't think we'll get back together.

I wouldn't add anything about like "Daddy wants this but it makes me sad..." - i would just leave it as it it. You can't change a kid's opinion by lying to them - but I also wouldn't encourage the discussion of who wants to do what. It's really important not to talk to yoru friends and family in earshot of your kids. Kids have supersonic hearing when they want to - I recall sitting in the hallway on the floor trying desperatly to listen to a discussion my mom was having with my aunt about my dad...

It's a tough sitatuion - but I can tell you that because my mom was honorable in a really, really tough situation (she had just become disabled int he month or two before my dad left) and we saw how she sacrificed and did life with 5 kids, no husband and no money - she had our lifelong loyalty an undying love. My dad died alone in his apartment after his young wife left him. My mom breathed her last breath with one of her kids holding her hand and someone with her around the clock during her final days.

We die the way we live - with honor or without. My mom's headstone says simplye "beloved". My dad's ashes were sprinkled over some mountain by a person we've never met who was helped by my dad in his last years when he wanted to make up for all the wasted years.

Kids don't need the details on their parents relationship.

Mom and dad are getting divorced, we love you and will continue to love you. Nothing will ever change that. It's ok to feel sad and you can ask any questions that you want. We might not have all the answers right away as we're figuring this all out along with you, but you kids are our top priority.

Kids should not know which parent is pushing for divorce! That's blaming a parent, and it's asking kids to take sides and blame the same parent! It's asking kids to take on adult issues - and that is not their job.

I would advise 2 parents in this situation to get some outside help and counseling to figure out how to co-parent children when a marriage dissolves. If they can't even agree on whether to separate, it's just more evidence of how the marriage has broken down. So the family is already torn apart, and it's already unstable. Whether it can be healed or whether divorce is inevitable is another question - but it sounds like someone in this marriage wants to be "right" regardless of what it does to the kids.

The parents have absolutely GOT TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE in terms of what the kids are told - and that does not include letting the kids know that it's one person's "fault"! Kids need to know that both parents will always be their parents and will try to protect them - and that means not putting parental issues on their little shoulders.

Neither parent should talk poorly of the other. "I don't want the divorce, but your mom/dad does." or "I'm trying to keep this family together." or similar should *never* be said to children, as it automatically puts the other parent in the 'bad guy' position and the other into the 'poor me' position. It is not an appropriate thing to discuss. You do not let the children know you have those thoughts.

If the parent that doesn't want the divorce needs to vent and work through things, they need to talk to other adults in private or even a therapist. NOT to their children.

Kids don't chose sides by who filed, who is pushing for the divorce, kids side by who they feel caused it. There is little you can do to change this and trying to make them play nice makes them feel their feelings don't matter and they will start hating both parents.

An example, husband cheats on wife, he wants another chance, she says no. The kids will side with mom. Wife gets bored, files for divorce, the kids will side with dad. Has nothing to do with who wants the divorce, it is always the why.

Dad needs to stop bringing the child into it and confusing him. He has absolutely no right to say anything beyond, I am trying to change for you. As and adult he should know damn well anyone can do anything for short bursts of time and mom just doesn't trust the change is real and not for show.

If he is trying, doesn't he deserve another chance? Marriage vows mean anything? I would do everything to keep marriage together. Marriage is a full time job and takes work. He sounds like he is working on trying to right a wrong. How about you. Willing to work at it?

Believe me, kids know exactly what is going on and see though all of it. When my parents sat us down to talk to us about "something important", I am the one that started the conversation by saying, "You are getting a divorce".

How old are they? If very young, it will be a bit harder for them to grasp what and why this is happening.

The most important thing is to reassure them this is not because of them. Mommy and daddy will ALWAYS love them.. That they are not the ones getting the divorce, you will always be their parent. Also reassure them they are allowed to love both parents. That you want them to be able to tell their feelings.

Divorce is scary and sad for children. Mainly because they do not know what it means for them. They wonder if they are the reason.

When my parents sat us down I knew exactly what was going on. They both looked so shocked.. and burst into tears. Yes, they were crying, I was not. I was 8 yrs old. This was back when not many people were divorced. They asked how did you know? I said "because you do not love each other. "

My father always said he would do anything to change, but in the long run, he could not do it. Maybe a few weeks or a few months, but he really had a lot of problems.. Took him decades to finally really figure out his problems and put the energy into working on it.

So I learned to not trust that he had "Changed".

You cannot fool children. Even though parents think that the way they treat their spouse does not hurt their children are totally wrong.

I love both of my parents very much. You hurt one and I will be upset, hurt and angry.

When one hurt the other I was mad at that parent.
I carried a tremendous amount of guilt around, until I was in my 20's, because my mom, my dad and my sister were so devastated by all of this, but in my heart and brain, I was SOOO happy. I knew this was the best solution. I just wanted it to be over so we could all move on.

When one person has left the relationship physically or emotional , it is over. Time to take the good energy and move on with the new life and make sue the children can survive this with stability. The promise that they will be together again, back and forth should not be something they have to live with for long periods of time, it is too stressful and confusing for them.

It should always be presented to the children as a joint choice, it is not fair to put the burden on the children of having to "side" with someone. All they need to know is that the two of you have decided to split, not why or who is to blame, that information should remain private between you and your ex.

I think the kids don't get used as pawns and they don't need to know the details. I would simply tell my kids that M. and daddy are better off as friends, but that doesn't mean either of us love them any less and we will always be M. and daddy. Not saying it is your situation, just saying what I THINK I would do if this were the case in my house.

I also think the parent who doesn't want the divorce needs to know it's really not a choice for them if the other person doesn't want the marriage anymore. Either way though, the kids do not need or get details. Especially not ones that would make them look at either parent poorly. That's not fair for them.

Added: I see your SWH and it may not matter. No one knows but the two people involved how bad things got and whether or not they can be repaired. It's not the mom's fault the dad had those behaviors....she is probably being the stronger one for refusing to go back to them.

You keep the kids out of it. You say that the parents have decided to divorce and you lay out what the kids need to know and you work to be good coparents. It only takes one parent to want a divorce for it to happen. Buddy of ours got the news that his wife wanted out and it didn't matter if he didn't. Which is not to say she's not a good mom, but he had to accept her decision and then move on in a healthy way for the kids. Why do you let them know you don't want the divorce? It's not their burden. They will have enough to handle. Talk to a personal therapist if you need to tell someone you don't want it.

You take the kid to his own counselor so he can talk to someone. And you say, "I know it's hard to understand, but this is how things are going to go. We both love you and will always be your parents." Sounds to me a little like a child too involved in the middle of his parents' relationship.

There are a lot of things kids won't understand til they are much older. Sometimes fixing it is creating a new normal and proving that you really mean it when you say you're not divorcing the kid, just the other parent. DH has always, always been there for his kids. They know this, because of his actions, more than his words. BM talks a good game...and is often a no-show.

And tell the kid it's not his fault! None of it is HIS fault. When my parents divorced, that was something I really needed to hear.