One-sided Friendship?

Sometimes you just won't know what happened. I had a friend do this. I reached out for around a year and then just let it go.

It bugs me to never know what really happened but it bugged me more to keep trying.

I'd just not say a word.
Wait.
If you still want her as a friend when she finally calls, that's up to you.

I wonder what happened?

I think you're right... about the same time you bought your house... something changed. I'm wondering if it's the house itself or if it's something going on in her life?

I know for myself... when my marriage was going south, I pulled back from friends in a MAJOR way, because I simply didn't have the energy. Ditto all of the other major changes in my life (starting school, divorcing, my son being sick). I just didn't have the energy to do one more thing. Even if I knew it would make me feel better, it was all I could do to keep myself together. The people I was closest to, I pulled away from the MOST, because they would know something was up with me, and I was trying to sit on that box, so I could keep myself pulled together.

I'm apparently in a poetry bent today

“I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.”
― Virginia Woolf

This may all be completely immaterial. She may have NOTHING going on that's using up all her self control. She may feel jealous and inadequate. She may just be so busy with school/sports/house that she honestly hasn't noticed that her friendships are suffering.

I vote for a "Get your tush over here, chica! We need a sitdown! What's up?"

I actually was in a very similar circumstance. I was always visting her and calling her and never did she call or come visit me. I gave up on the friendship, many years passed, now I hear she is divorced and her kids are grown, she is way overweight, lost her job... I've tried to reach out to her...
I wish i had kept up the effort to keep in touch with her all the time because I think she could use a friend. Right now it SEEMS your friend is too busy for you but she could be going thru something you dont know about, could she be jealous of your new house? a diff marriage but she doesnt want to talk about it?
I suggest you try (hard as it is) to ignore your hurt feelings and every once in a while reach out to let her know you still care, and you'll be there if she needs you.

Dear Clarified Mom,
You sound like a good and caring friend. Your friend is lucky to have you.

It sounds like you care about her as well. If the situation were reversed and a good friend thought you were being distant, how would you want her to approach you? Does that make sense?

I would approach someone as I would want them to approach me. In this case, if it were me, I would share something lke:

"I feel really blessed to have you in my life. you are a part of my life.
I miss you. and I am here for you"

best of luck.
jilly

If the friendship is important to you, which it must be or you would not have posted this question, I would want to find out why it's become so one-sided. Don't just let it die out, you'll always wonder why if you do. Ask her about it, in a non-accusatory way. Friendships do sometimes just drift apart, but maybe there's something more here...you deserve it to yourself to find out what's going on. Wishing you happiness!

Doesnt sound weird at all, I would want to know what happened as well. Sounds fairly one sided. I would just get the truth. Say "hey whats going on? why dont you want to come over any more"

I had a friend who never really was a friend. It took something like 15 years before I realized it. With her last huffy fit, and me me me tirade, I decided to cut strings, only for her to come crawling back a year later and want to try to be friends again. The twisted part is I cant stand her but I want to know what she is doing and like for my own sick entertainment I put on motions to be friends then break all commitments with her. Recently I saw what I was doing and decided to give it a go with either be friends or dont. Gave her 2 chances to come and see my kids and do things with me, and wouldnt you know it, She backed out of both an hour before. So shes done. I dont need her.

In a lighthearted way so as to save face a little for her, can you say, "Hey, I'm bummed out you haven't been to visit me in my new house, I know you're busy, but please say you'll come over soon, I'd love for you to visit. I miss you." That lets her know you miss her, but in a non-accusatory way. If she still makes some excuses and never initiates contact or get togethers with you, then I would let it go. Maybe she has some issue with your buying this house, maybe it's something else. I'm sorry it saddens you she is acting like this, but sometimes friends do drift apart. She may be having personal issues, or she may feel like you're growing apart. If you're a close friend, you could take her to lunch and gently ask her if she's been avoiding you for a reason and see what she says. You may or may not get the truth in response, but at least she'll know you've noticed the one-sidedness.

normally i would say that freindships ebb and floe and to just let it drift off. but your situation seem much different.

my advice would be to kidnap her, arrange for a sitter for her son and take her out and buy her dinner and hopefully she'll let you in on what is wrong. That wpn't work though if she is jealsous of you. money wise.

I had a friend like that and I just let the friendship go. That was over 10 years ago. She recently contacted me and we met for lunch. It was nice. She filled me in on some of her struggles which gave me insight into why she couldn't be a real friend for those years.

People change and their needs change. I have different friends now, and different expectations of friends who want to be a regular part of my life. But this old friend and I had good times together long ago and I'm happy we could catch up.

So maybe your friendship with this woman was just what the two of you needed during the first part of your lives. And if you never find out what changed, you can still appreciate her presence in your life for those years. It's nice to have some answers or closure but we don't always get it. It may be time to move on and let your friend decide when and if she wants to connect in the future.

It never hurts to say something. I posted a similar question not too long ago and did get some negative posts.I had a friend that I thought was a pretty close friend only to start to stop responding to my phone calls, emails, texts. When I did talk to her on the phone, I asked her about it and just said I felt like she was pulling away and she just stated things have been crazy with the kids. I understood that and gave her some time. She replied that she was coming to my daughters birthday party and 45min before it started called me with an excuse. I have since text this friend 2-3 times with no reply. I'm just chalking it up to her ending this friendship for whatever reason. I ended a friendship like this once when I was younger. I was young and had enough of her talking about me behind my back but I always felt guilty about it. I contacted her a few years ago and told her how sorry I was to act like that and cut her out without talking to her. Things will never be the same but we were able to go out to lunch and keep correspondence a couple times a year. Good luck to you. I hope things work out for you and this friend,but if not, take peace in knowing you did what you could to preserve and continue the friendship!

People grow apart. This does not seem like though. It seems like something happened and she is being odd.

You can go visit her and still have fun together but she just won't come to your home? That is just odd. Maybe she knew someone who lived there and something bad happened....I would just have to ask her why and don't let her get by with saying she's too busy. If she can make time for you at her home she can make time for you in your home.

Is it possible she is allergic to something in this new home? Or that it has an odd smell she is sensitive too? My BFF has goats and I can't set foot on her property without starting to itch all over and clogging up.

If the friendship is that important to you give her a call or if better for you send her an email and tell her you feel that you are growing apart or she doesnt seem to want to keep this friendship flourishing and you are a little baffled as to why. See what her response is to you and if you dont get one just leave it, if and when she's ready she will come to you and if she doesnt at least you will know that you did what you could. Maybe she's just going through something and for whatever reason can't talk to you about it. Good Luck

Well going to your kids baseball games qualifies as busy to me, even if the park is down the street. I find it harder to get together with friends as my DD gets older. We work all week, she has some activities on the weekends - the little time we have is our family time...which frankly is more often than not also the only time when we do our cleaning and shopping and all of that stuff.
I feel that my good friends (or myself) understand that sometimes things get so busy for months at a time that we don't see each other or even talk much. No big deal.

Since you both seem to have been very close in the past, can't you just call her ask why she is doing this? You can tell her that you really miss her. And want to meet her. You are sad that she is not able to make time to see you. And then see what she tells?
If not at your house, can you meet somewhere else? can you go to her place? Once you meet her and talk to her, she might visit you. If she still doesn;t respond well, I would say just let it go. Maybe she is jealous of you buying a new house or maybe she is just too busy with something else going on in her life. Try to reach out one more time and be sure to let her know that you wish you could meet more often , and take it from there.

Well....I suggest just wait until the next milestone....I'm sure she knows your birthday...etc.....if she doesn't show....let it go....it has to be a personal reason on her part.

Well... it kind of depends. If she has children, she is indeed busy, and her son's baseball game isn't leisure time.

Why don't you go through the alternatives in your mind. She's glad to see you when you go to her. Does the fact that you have a house make a difference, do you think? You don't *know*,because we can't read one another's minds, but do you think it might be the case? Is this woman no longer married? Might the fact that you are and she isn't make a difference to her?

If she is friendly when you two are together (at her house), perhaps you can ask her: "We've been through so much together and I value you as a friend; does anything about me bother you right now?" Watch as well as listen. If she hedges around the question, something is wrong but she doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe she won't hedge around the question, and in that event be prepared for anything she will say.

As far as ending a friendship, that's entirely up to you. You don't have to write her off, even if she prefers to distance herself from you. You might end up making her a Christmas-and-birthday friend (which lets her know you think about her without putting any demands on her), and that's all. Sadly, sometimes the best of friends grow apart.

Is she by any chance in a different marital/relationship situation than you are? If so - say you're married & happy and she's divorced & maybe lonely - seeing you in the setting of your dream home may remind her of all she's wanting but doesn't have at the moment. could that be it?

Have a heart to heart talk and then when you find out what the problem is, you decide. At least you would have given it one more try and it leaves it on her conscience, not yours.

Well I would just ask , I would try to set a lunch up or something when she had time. Then I would ask her in nice way without accuse her of anything . I would be honest with her on my feelings and how I was feeling . If you been together this long then you know her pretty well , so just go talk with her on her time. Be friendly ,honest, show you care about her well being too and worried not just about your relationship but if there is something else going on she maybe afraid to talk about .

You really have 2 choices -

Ask her what's going on. Be prepared for a variety of responses, including acting like nothing's going on, a tirade, etc.

Let it go & give her some space.

It really just depends on what type of person you are, though. She is playing games & obviously some dynamic in your friendship has changed. It's up to you, how you wan to approach it.

Personally, to me, the whole "I'm busy" thing makes me feel like she's pushing you away. I would most likely let her come to me if/when she's ready. Mainly because I am already so busy & my friends should not add stress to my life & friendships shouldn't be a lot of hard work, or forced. Either a friendship works or it doesn't. Either a friendship continues or it ends.