ok, here is the deal, my son 4, was suppose to be napping sunday afternoon. he was really upset with me because I put him down for a nap, but after a little bit, he got quiet. I assumed that he was asleep, so i layed down for a nap myself. well my fiance came to me about an hour later and asked me to get up so we could go do dinner. He went to get my son up, next thing I heard was my fiance yelling at me "GET UP, how well do you know the neighbors?" So I lept outta bed, ran to my sons room and his window was wide open and my son was GONE!!! I freaked, I ran and got my shoes on and ran outside to the neighbors, they were coming out of their house. I brought him home and perceeded to scold him. He didnt understand why he was in trouble. This is the first time that he has ever done this. It scares me to know that my 4 year old is capable of sneaking out. What was he thinking. Has anyone ever gone through this with their children? i'm at a loss on what is going on with him. He is so angry all the time, is very rebelous and treats me with absolutely no respect. What am I doing wrong???? I'm so frustrated over this and really need some advice!!! Thank you in advance!!
Ok a lot of you are talking about the napping deal for his age, he was sick and up most of the night the night before, only had like 2 hours sleep total! knowing when he is exhausted, I took it upon myself to put him down for a nap. He does not normally take naps. I stopped that months ago because he was not sleeping well at night.
As far as reading material, I read constantly on this stuff and i've tried several different technics with him, i've been in counceling for myself off and on since I was 18 and I have an appt set up for myself, him and my fiance to go together next week. So hopefully that will work.
This child has no doubt that I love him, I do everything in my power to make sure this child knows that!! I spend every waking moment with this little boy, we do a lot of things together. He is all that I have considering my fiance works nights and we never get to spend time together. And when we are all three together, we spend as much time as we can doing fun family things. My fiance loves this little boy more than life itself and he does everything he can to make sure that this little boy has everything he need, financially, love, you name it, he does it. Thats why he is wanting to get a POA over this child, because my sons own father neglects him and doesnt do anything for this him. In fact when i called his father and told him what happened, he said "i dont have time for this right now, i have to get to work". so what does that tell you!!
as far as my own daughter goes (someone mentioned this) I gave my child up to her father because I was homeless, no job, no car and I lived in ohio, my own family would not help me come home to texas(my mother mostly), so knowing that her dad was stable in the AF, lived in the home she was born in and had the health insurance, car and stability to take care of her, I gave her to him. I was young and stupid and God knows that if I had it all to do over again I WOULD in a heart beat, I would have made it work somehow!!! My son has boundries, he knows what they are, but he refuses to abide by them. He goes to his fathers where there are no rules, no boundries and he is allowed to run amuke and do what he wants where and when he wants without a word from his father. this is one of the biggest reason we are not together anymore, i couldnt stand his neglect of his family!! now he is supporting some womans child, but not his own!! So I do what I have to to protect my son!!!
I just wanted to update MONTHS later of how my son and I are doing after what happened. I have changed dramatically on how I manage things with him and there has been an astounding difference in him. although we still have our moments, they are far and few between. His father has not really done anything to help, but what can I do...I can request, but he is ultimatly going to do what he wants to do. So I just have to stand my ground, dig deep and work hard to help this little sweet boy!! He has started kindergarten and thus far doing ok, has his moments due to talking (he is a chatter box lol) but all in all the teacher says he is doing wonderfully. Anyway, I just wanted to update everyone and thank you all, even the negative comments that were made (they actually helped me re-evaluate some of my steps)!! many blessings to you all!!
You need to set some big time rules. and consequences.
Be firm its for his own good.
Also be consistent.
Good luck!
Oh, my, S.! You have every right to be concerned. I know these questions may seem basic or logical, but...Did you tell him how concerned you were for him? When my kids do something, like running into the street unattended, I try to calm down (after my initial "scare" reaction) and hug them and tell them that I love them and was so worried about them. I explain that I don't want them to be hit by a car or hurt at all, because I love them and want them to be happy. I beg them (literally...lol) to please, not run off. They sometimes do, but they catch themselves many times now, with things that we've discussed, and stopped themselves from doing things.
Maybe just spending some time together (just you and him) talking and having a nice time, telling him how much you love him, maybe look at some baby photos, share stories; anything that creates "bonding time" between you.
Think about your relationship with God. The more you feel His love, the more you WANT to follow His guidelines to be happy. Your son will find more joy in pleasing you than disobeying.
No, I am not an expert, and yes, I forget to do this with my kids more often that I'd like. But I believe, as parents, we shouldn't give up. We need to keep trying, and it's because we keep trying that our children will eventually appreciate our efforts, no matter how flawed or imperfect.
I will be saying a prayer for you, S.. Take care!
How scary!!! I agree with what the other moms have said so far. It seems you may need to start setting boundaries and I guess you need to get a lock for your son's bedroom window. My son is only 3 and he hasn't had a daytime nap for several months now. He goes to sleep earlier at night, but he doesn't like sleeping during the day. Maybe your son is past the napping stage as well. Given this, it's ok to have quiet time, but I guess you'll need to make a new routine for him if napping is not an option.
As far as being angry and rebellious, my son gets upset easily now, but after he calms down, he says things like "I'm not crying anymore Mom" or "I'm not sad anymore" like he's all proud of himself for calming down. I take this as a sign that it's just normal behavior and he knows being angry or upset is not a "good" thing. If your son is not able to calm himself and later apologize for his behavior when he knows it's wrong, you may have to work on teaching the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviors.
In regards to him leaving his room like he did, I can't imagine that he actually thought to himself that he was doing something "bad" when he got out of his room. He probably just didn't want to nap and he decided he wanted to be outside instead. It's really hard to say what he was thinking when he did it, but I would guess it wasn't anything premeditated or meant to be truly deceptive.
My advice would be to get some parenting books (library, amazon, ebay, half-price books, freecycle, etc.) and start reading. I know there are many books out there about ways to deal with all kinds of children's behaviors. No book will work for everyone though so you may have to read a few before you find some methods that work for you.
I've been having problems trying to relate to some problems my 8 year old is having so I've started reading books on the subject. In reading about dealing with my daughter, I've learned some good things about how to deal with my 3 year old as well. One of the books I'm reading right now is "Thinking Parent, Thinking Child" by Myrna B. Shure. The first chapter describes ways to deal with a toddler's anger.
I'm sure you'll find a multitude of resources you can use to help you get past this phase with your son.
Good luck!
WOW, I have a 13 yr old daughter and I have never been through that one.
It sounds like your son might need to learn all about stranger danger too!
However, when she was young, we talked a lot about stranger danger. To help my daughter understand about strangers, I explained the red, yellow, green signal lights. IMMEDIATE family and VERY close friends were "Green" as in SAFE. ANYONE else that we knew even vaguely (neighbors, etc) were "Yellow" CAUTION and anyone we did not know at all were "Red" certain STRANGER. She got to the point when we were at the store or anywhere, she would point out the red people and if we saw an acquaintaince she would call them yellow. As silly as this sounds, it worked for us to help her understand that a stranger is not necessarily the boogie man.
Secondly, our security system in our home has babysitter alarm that sounds whenever a door or window is opened. Maybe that would help. If you have a security system already, check the manual, you might have that option and not realize it. I think it is also called door chime on some systems.
I don't think just because of this instance that you need to run out and get counseling for you and your son. I think that is a little extreme. Maybe this is just a wake up call for you to make sure you get your ideals in check as far as raising him. Also, I don't know of any 4 yr olds who nap.
Good luck to you.
Wow.
You need to get some help. He's four. At four he is what you've made him (yeah they all have different tempers that they're born with) and so you need to look at you more than him. If he's being disrespectful etc. again, it's you, not him.
Please get some counseling for yourself. You obviously really care about your son and want to be a good mom or you wouldn't be on mamasource. However, it can't provide the help you need.
Counseling can work wonders. As can church. The two together are very powerful and if you stick with it, you'll be wondering why you didn't go sooner. Your life will be the life you want.
There are lots of referrals for counselors and churches on mamasource. Start there and start living the rest of a happy, fulfilling life.
An excellent resource is a book calld "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Jim Fay. If reading isn't your thing, it's available on video tape and audio. This guy uses a little humor to take the edge off some serious situations and helps parents see behavior for what it is. He helps take the guilt out of parenting, and even gives a script to follow until you're comfortable with the the process. I've used this with students and referred many parents and have seen some wonderful results. The book is available at Amazon.com for about $4!
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I honestly can't believe the responses I have read....I think some people are being way too harsh. He may need to seek couseling, a bit severe at this point, but if it helps then so be it. I hardly think you are a "bad person" or have been parenting badly...NOT all actions our children take reflect directly upon our parenting skills...and who the heck cares if your 4yr old took a nap on a weekend day! Granted he was sick, but if he wasn't, maybe he was just tired...GEEEZZ people!! Anyway, S., I would suggest getting to the root of the disrespect, and obviously let him know the severity of what could have happened if someone has snatched him up off the street....don't terrify him, but don't paint a pretty picture either. I hope you find your answers.
You know what....you are a good mom, you love your son. Your son is only 4, he is having some issues. We all have issues. Take a deep breath, dont get discouraged. Look, life is not easy, it's hard. Your son has been through alot, you have been through alot. I believe their is hope, for your son and your family. Just calm down and be a loving role model for your child. The best thing you can do is turn to God, pray, ask for help, ask for protection, ask for strengh in dealing, ask for guidance.
It's not an easy fix, we cant give up, but believe that if you give your family to God's care, you will get help.
I hope I dont sound strange, I dont want to. I just know that no problem is too big for him if you are committed to turning to him for help and it sounds like you are seeking for help.
Plese know, your child learns from his enviroment...he is learing right now, what you do, how you act, what you say, he sees and learns that behavior.
Remember, if you practice love, if you show respect, if you teach truth, if you provide boundries, if you provide structure and an open and warm safe home, anything is possible.
Love your little one, he needs you.
Sincerely,
N.
Hey S.,
First, I think you need to sit down and talk with your son about why you were upset. Make it a calm discussion. Talk about the number of things that could have happened to him and since you were resting, you couldn't have helped.
You asked "what was he thinking?" well, he was thinking you were asleep and he was bored. Might as well find something to do.
Next, I agree with some of the other postings, by 4 years old, most kids don't nap anymore. If they do, it is total exhaustion, not so much a necessity as it is when they are younger. I totally understand the need for a nap as a working mom; however, perhaps next time you could set up a way to make this happen. For example, set up a playdate so that you know he is with someone you approve of during the time you can catch up on your rest.
I do think since he got such a reaction out of you that he may try the window escape again. Reiterate with him that it's not a safe thing to do and put locks on his window. Check the home improvement stores for options.
In regards to his anger and lack of respect, I think heart to heart conversations with him are in order. REALLY listen to him and make him your sole focus during that time. If he's allowed to disrespect you once, it will continue.
You mentioned that you have a fiance, so I'm not sure if he has another father figure as well. Perhaps he's feeling a bit confused about the family dynamic which seems about to change. He definitely needs to talk about it. If nothing seems to change with discussions with you, perhaps a counselor.
As suggested in previous responses, there are great books out there. Supernanny has some great ideas, too.
--amazing the change in tone when your initial request was edited. You asked for our advice/support then come back sounding angry with more pieces of the puzzle and making it sound as if you were attacked. You didn't say he had been sick, only that he didn't want to take a nap. You mentioned nothing about the situation with exes or biological dads, then unleash on your edit. Not sure what you are looking for here, but we all work hard to protect our kids .. and you asked for help.
How frightening!!!! I would first of all want to know how a 4 year old opened his window??? I also have a four year old and I think that often times we have unrealistic expectations/ground rules that trigger inappropriate behavior. My 4 year old hasn't napped in almost 2 years...if he isn't tired and you put him in his room I think you can expect trouble. Did you put him down because he was tired or because you were tired? I would ask him why he did it...my 4 year old tends to give very intelligent, honest and logical answers when he does something that I think is crazy! I think the fact that he didn't know that he did something wrong is your first clue that perhaps you haven't set clear boundaries. I also think if your 4 year old is angry that you should seek family counseling...that doesn't sound normal to me. Perhaps he is having issues that you don't know about. Sometimes a neutral third party can help us discover the underlying issues that we can't seem to get to. I hope that you figure this out and get things under control. Good luck and God bless.
How Scary!!! I don't know how he got the window open but it doesn't suprise me. My 4 year old daughter is very creative at finding solutions to "problems". My daughter will be 5 this summer and hasn't taken a nap in 2 years. Occasionally we do have "quiet time" (usually when I need it lol!!) but I limit it to 45 mins to one hour. I don't think your son was trying to "sneak out" I would agree with one of the other posts that he didn't want to be inside and wanted to go play...so he did. I'm not sure what kind of discipline you use. We have set very firm boundaries with my dd and consequences for rules that might get broken. I started using a rewards chart and that has worked really well for her. I'm not sure why your son is angry all of the time. I guess I would look at your current situation and dynamics that surround you and see if there's something going on. Have there been alot of changes recently?Is he unhappy with school? etc...You could also just sit him down and ask him. I have started doing that with my dd and it's suprising at how articulate she can be with why she is acting or feeling a certain way. As for being rebellous and treating you without respect...My dd is constantly pushing the limits. I think its the age. However, my hubby and I do not let her get away with disrespectful behaviour. We correct her and have her repeat the right way of saying things. This is the only way that kids can learn and until we show them how to act they won't know. Good luck to you!!
