My daughters father and I have been separated for 3 1\2 years. We have both moved on. Dad has a girlfriend and they just had a baby girl born 3 days after Olive's 5th birthday. Olive ( my daughter) has been telling his girlfriend that I told olive to hurt the girlfriend. Which I have never said. Than tells her dad that mom didn't love me. Why would she say things like this. It seems as though its been happening since the baby sister was born.
A new baby sister is a big adjustment and babies are massive attention stealers.
I bet saying this gets her some attention.
A new baby makes older children do odd things. "Why would she say things like this?" Because she gets attention, because she may be feeling insecure with a new baby getting all the attention, because she may see her father's focus shifting to a newborn. And, frankly, babies are boring and annoying to pretty much anyone but the parents - from a 5 year old's perspective, it's a crying/sleeping/eating machine that's no fun and can't be played with. And everyone else is fussing over the baby.
Where are you getting the info? Is your ex telling you this? Is his girlfriend? Is your daughter? You can't believe everything a 5 year old says, particularly if she's upset and getting attention. Your ex has to deal with this in his house if she's saying it under his roof. If she's saying it to you, you have to find a way to not get upset and just deal with it as you would any lie or distorted truth. What you don't do is let a 5 year old manipulate you and your feelings.
What is your parenting style with her? What is your ex's style? Do you communicate well as co-parents? You two need to agree on a strategy and be consistent in both houses.
I hope Olive is not her real name - you should not have a child's name on a big internet forum.
It may be as simple as sibling jealousy and attention seeking. It's important that you and your ex work together on this parenting challenge so that her tactics do not produce the results she wants. Diane D's post was spot-on.
As others have mentioned, it is due to insecurity and a need for attention. To her, negative attention is SOME attention. She is feeling that she is no longer the center of attention because of her new baby girl. She is no longer daddy's little girl, and she wants the attention back. She may be feeling like she was shoved into the backburner while they dote on the little one. She feels that by starting imaginary fights and drama, she will once again get some attention. Some children regress and start acting like needy, clingy babies because they realize that being a baby = unlimited attention from mom and dad.
She also may be hoping this will open the lines of communication between you and her dad. Yes, kids ALWAYS wish mommy and daddy would get back together...even when they are separated, divorced, and have both moved on with new spouses and new children, they always have that hope. I guess she feels if you two talk about the he-said she-said drama she is creating, there might still a chance you all could be a happy family once again, and she can get rid of the girlfriend and the crying brat. I know you may find it hard to believe but children and toddlers are a lot smarter and more manipulative than you realize.
The best thing you can do is shower her with attention when she is with you, as she isn't getting much attention when she is around her father and their new baby. Let her know this is temporary and the baby will eventually become more independent and need less of daddy's attention, but that you and daddy are not getting back together and she needs to respect his new family. When the baby starts talking and moving around, she will probably enjoy the baby and be able to play with her, but for now, she is just a burden and a distraction to dad's attention-span, at least that's how it is playing out in Olive's eyes. Maybe some therapy would help her get through this phase. Might be worth considering.
My family went through this too, because I was 8 years younger than my sister. When I was born, my sister, who had begged for a little sister, realized I was taking all of my parents' attention and started acting out. She started terrorizing me, throwing the cat into my crib and laughing when I cried, would upset the cat and run off, leaving me with the hissing cat, and when I was growing up, she called me "the brat" to her friends. There are some recordings somewhere in the house where she is going on and on about "the brat" and how even her friends want to play with "the brat" that everyone finds adorable, except her. This is not something that only happens in blended families, as you may think.
Do you and your ex have a good relationship? Can you talk to him and let him know that what she says isn't true? I think she's having a hard time with the baby. My son turns 5 next month. He's starting to lie a little bit. I think its the age and the fact that she doesn't know how to express her feelings.
Diane D has excellent advice. Please print it out for yourself and your ex's family.
S., regression in some way is very common. When I was a nanny, one of the children I cared for was very upset by the arrival of his younger sister. He was already potty-trained quite well, but when little sister came home from the hospital, this triggered about a year or so of deliberate pants-messing. It was almost like clockwork; he'd go hide in a corner around the same time each day, poop his pants, and then re-emerge.(This was during a time of day I was usually trying to help the baby go down for a nap.) Even when I had him go use the bathroom around that time, he'd choose to poop in his pants later. We handled it as matter-of-factly as we could, but it was obvious that this was a show-stopper moment for him. He got ALL of the attention one person could give. It was pretty hard on everyone but he eventually got bored with it, and I poured on the attention at other times when little sister was asleep, which helped. .
All that to say, regression/acting out is very common when new babies enter the household. Should I say?: be glad it's just verbal manipulation for attention and not endless poopy underwear. Hang in there! :)
Sometimes you can ask them in a very casual way, and they will open up. I started early with helping them to put their feelings into words. I'm guessing she just feels displaced - new baby, and not sure where she fits. She may feel insecure or jealous, and is saying she doesn't feel loved.
This must be more common than I realized. My granddaughter is 3.5 (but VERY precocious) started a few months ago "Daddy XXXX doesn't love me" to her mother (my daughter). She says it fairly nonchalantly. She also says she is going to hit Daddy XXXX next time she sees him. I personally thought that my daughter should have just simply said "no, Daddy XXXX loves you very much" and "we don't hit people we love and love us" (she's never even had so much as a butt swat, but there are some hitters at daycare - kids not staff obviously). Instead, my daughter made a HUGE deal about it, which my granddaughter then totally fed into, and my daughter now has my 3.5 yr old grandbaby in counseling . . . My daughter's ex thinks the whole thing is ridiculous so he refuses to attend the therapy, which in turn makes the therapist think something really IS going on (dad lives nearly 3 hrs away and would have to take an entire day off of work each Wednesday for this). Ugh.
Obviously I don't have a great answer for you other than 1. is isn't that uncommon to say this - even if a kid isn't unhappy about something, and 2. I still firmly believe that if my daughter would have just reassured her that her dad did love her, I think it would have been just fine. Honestly, I think my granddaughter was kind of verifying that it was OK to love her dad, because her mommy does not.
If you and your ex are on good terms, maybe you guys could come to a really simple agreement: whenever your daughter says that, dad should say "of course she does, your mom so full of love for you, let's quick call her so she can tell you herself," the reassurance might just be enough for it to blow over. Granted there are some 5 yr olds that do need therapy, but honestly lots of kids act weird when a new baby shows up - they all don't need therapy :)
Good luck (and don't take it personal when she says that - I promise you are the center of her universe!)
Best advice from Diane D. Please follow that advice.
She's acting out. Her life has changed and she doesn't like it. It might help her to learn coping skills if she tried counseling for a few months.
Sounds like it may be time for some counseling for Olive, she is clearly having some adjustment issues. It could be that she is hoping that by saying those things she would get to spend more time with her new sister?
