My parents were divorced about two years ago. They have three kids together (my two brothers and I), and five grandkids. They have both moved on to new relationships. My Dad just proposed marriage to his girlfriend (they've been together 1 year), and she said yes. Since he has been with her, my brothers and I and our children have had to sacrifice the time we used to have with him. We no longer see him on holidays, he doesn't show up to birthday parties (because our Mom is there). We asked him if we could do something together for father's day and he told us he had to work (then later said he wasn't working after all, he just didn't want to do anything). Fourth of July, which is usually his favorite holiday to spend with the grandkids, he spent with just her. He recently told me that he would never go anywhere he knew our Mom was going to be, and when I asked him if that meant birthdays, our kids' graduations, weddings, etc., he said he would miss it all to avoid my Mom. I'm pregnant with my first son (third child), and I asked him if he would be at the hospital to see us, and he said no because my Mom would be there. Now that he's engaged, my younger brother asked my Dad about a will. He told my Dad he wanted him to have his will notarized and set in stone before he married her. My Dad made a stink about it and said his will is none of our business. I asked him what kind of ceremony they had in mind for the wedding, and he said they were going to elope. I was really hoping he would include his family but I guess he has other ideas.
I'm feeling really angry about all of this. I feel like he's replaced his children with her. I like her just fine, but I can't help but feel some animosity towards her because she's stolen my Dad from me (I know this is his fault and not hers, but still). My kids ask about their grandfather all the time, and I invite him over and let my kids call him and those kinds of things, but we have seen him a total of three times in the past year.
On the one hand, I feel like I'm being a whiny selfish brat, and I should give him time and space to let the "new & shiny" wear off of his new relationship. On the other hand, his family was here first, and we should still be his priority. Yes, we're grown, but we still need him in our lives, and not just when it's convenient for him. I don't think it's fair for him to actively avoid our mother that way. They had kids together, I don't see that as an option, at least not all the time.
So am I right to feel this way? Or do I just need to suck it up and get over it? And how do I feel better??? I tried talking him today but he just basically said "Stop making such a big deal out of it." My brothers, and my husband, who is very close to my Dad, all feel the same way that I do.
Couple of things:
About the will: I do not expect my Dad to discuss his will with his kids. We just wanted to make sure that he HAS ONE. That is an absolutely legitimate request, in my opinion. To not have a will when you have a blended family is just rude.
About my Mom: No, she's not toxic. They haven't even spoken in two years. They were friends after the divorce for several months. Then he decided he was still in love with her and stopped talking to her because she wouldn't have him back. He still refuses to see her. We try to make plans with my Dad and his girlfriend, with my Mom not around, but he usually chooses to spend time with just her.
My Dad's fiance told us she wouldn't mind meeting our Mom, so it's not her that's keeping him from being around.
it would break my heart too.
I"m sorry, what a pooper he is being, I hope like you said the new and shiny will wear off soon.
Yup. Whiny brat.
It's your dad's life to do as he pleases. At this point, with his children trying to order him around and ganging up on him, I don't blame him for taking a time out/breather. Give him a chance to enjoy his new relationship in peace.
After a hiatus, extend an olive branch and let him know that you'd love to see him whenever he gets the chance.
I understand not wanting to hang out where the ex is. But we still do, for the kids. He should be bigger than that. He doesnt have to talk to her, but he should not miss family gatherings just because she is going to be there.
However, he is an adult and can do as he pleases. If he doesn't go to the family gatherings, then just plan things with him, his fiance and your family. There are other days beside Dec 25th that you can celebrate christmas. Weddings are a different story but if he chooses not to go, that's his decision.
Just try to understand. Your mom and him were probably married a very long time. And when it ended, it ended. He doesn't want to see her or be reminded of her and he's moving on with his life. If it were me, I would just make plans with him so we still have a good relationship and my kids can still be around him. Good luck.
Well...I guess I disagree a little. I also agree a little.
When your children are grown, they are ALWAYS your children. They are always important, but no...I don't think they should always be the priority. Part of parenting (in my opinion) is raising children so they are happy and competent enough to build their own lives. Also, so that the parent can have parts of their life back, because they are no longer sacrificing anything with their children. You are an adult, so are your siblings. Dad should not have to drop life every time you want him involved. In a way, he SHOULD be able to choose. (In a way.) Now, I see what you are saying. I don't think it's good that he's never there and skipping out on your children. What I'm really trying to say, is your feelings can't MAKE him do what you want. You can express your opinion, feelings, and worries. In the end, he will have to choose, and you might end up having to suck it up a little. (Rather, you will have to accept it.) The woman might feel weird around your mom and he's trying to keep the peace at home. She might not like to share, and he will certainly tire of that. Hopefully, if you all voice your concerns he will come around.
PS.
Also...he could be plain sick of his kids trying to parent him. The will thing was tacky.
Sorry, you do sound like a whiny brat. You ackowledge that this is your dad's fault, not hers, so why are you angry with her?
Why are you angry that your dad wishes to void your mother? It might be better for all if they didn't appear somewhere at the same time.
And he's right about his Will. It is none of your business until he passes. I can't believe your brother would be so crass as to try to get your dad to do a Will prior to marrying his fiance. But like I said in another post recently, I think it is in EXTREME POOR TASTE to discuss someone's estate/Will while the person is still alive and doing well.
So, yeah, suck it up and get over it. Dad has raised his kids; now it's time for him to have a life for himself. You'll understand when you get to be that old.
We sacrificed for many years to give to and do for our kids. Once they are grown and have families of their own, it's truly OUR time!
You have every right to feel that way. Your father is acting like a struck teenager who can't see past his own nose.
Next time there's an event, don't invite him. Stop calling so the kids can talk to him. I know it sounds harsh, but give him a dose of his own medicine. As the saying goes you don't know what you have until it's gone.
I don't know your Dad, so I could always be wrong, but...I don't agree with the notion his behavior being a result of "the new and shiny." They're spending every holiday together without your side of the family and that means they're creating new traditions together as a couple...that do not include you. So, I think you are getting a view of how things are going to be for the foreseeable future.
You are all adults and there is nothing you can do to force him to spend time with you. However, if I were in your shoes I'd keep reaching out to him for the sake of his grandkids.
Is your mom toxic? It sounds like your dad is avoiding her, not his kids.
However, it does sound like you all have some boundary issues. Like telling your dad to notarize his will or thinking that you kids should be his priority.
You dad is an adult and gets to make his own choices about his will and his future partner. You may have been there first but your dad's priority should be his own life and future wife. Just like you kids have your own families now and they are your priority,
Give your dad some space. He has found some joy in this new relationship. He's done his job and raised you. Let him have his own life and choose to spend time with you and your families because he wants to.
On some level Dad is still in love with Mom.
Hence, not wanting to be anywhere near her in case soon to be wife #2 picks up on that. He has not reached the point where he can be friends with Mom.
Maybe take the tack to issue invitations to him through the soon to be wife. Call and invite her and your father over for Sunday afternoon, etc. He may not be able to tell her no. But, yeah, keep them separate from your Mom for awhile.
And back off on the will - his estate is his business and no one should pressure him into anything. If he dies intestate, the courts will handle it.
And no, I don't think you are being a whiny brat - you miss your Father - of course you do. Maybe just tell him that - that you miss him - and leave out everything else.
Hugs.
you need to tell him to grow up. his grankids mean more then beig uncomfortable around your mom. maybe speak to his new wife and tell her why your hurt she may have new perspective! take her out to lunch to say congrats and mention it
in the meantime does your mom make it hard for him to be there?
I agree that you need to give your dad the space he needs. Of course it hurts your feelings, that's your daddy, but both of you are adults. He has his reasons, that don't have to make sense to anyone but him. He has to look at himself in the mirror, and so do you. Maybe after he's been married for awhile he'll be able to go around your mother again, who knows.
I know it's easy to blame the new girlfriend, you love your daddy. Try to develop a healthy relationship with her. I'm 100% with your dad on the will, that was just not right for your brother to even asked. That's just wrong.
I would be sad too if my dad didn't want to spend time with me and his grandkids. I would try to find ways to do things that your family and him can do together. He's moving on with his life, but your mother and him had a long relationship together if you are an adult having your third kid, just because he's marrying again, doesn't mean he's healed from the divorce. That's a long time with one person. He has a lot of build up. He's missing out on his grandkids, just remember that.
Hugs going out to you.
I think your dad is being selfish and immature. He should make time for his kids and grandkids and attend important events even if your mom is there. He is an adult and needs to start acting like one. I do understand he has gone through some tough times with your mom, but he made his own choices and has to live with the consequences. I would continue to invite he and his fiance to things, but if they decline don't let it ruin your day. I understand about the will. It's not like you asked a stranger. This is your father. I hope we can talk to our parents about anything. I know I can, thank goodness! Good luck. I have a feeling things will improve with time.
He's still reeling from the pain of being rejected by your mother. His heart hurts. He's trying to move on and is perhaps moving a bit too quickly.
Be patient with him. Let him lose himself in this new relationship for a while and if you're lucky, it will be a good relationship for him in the long term and when he has healed a bit and is happier, I bet he'll realize what he's missing out on and will re-connect with all of you.
This is new for all of you - be patient and kind and generous with each other, even when members of your family are not at their best.
i think you actually have a really healthy attitude about all of this. it seems d.o.d. is reliving his teenage years when what "he" wanted was all that mattered - my father is in the same place now after he and my mom divorced 20 years in. suddenly his kids just aren't a priority.
and ironically, it happened after he "met someone" too. the time between the divorce and him marrying, i was closer to my dad than at any other point in my life. when he was married to my mom things are not good. then they divorced, and we actually spent time together. then he remarried and ALL of that went out the window in favor of "his" wants. so i feel you. but i don't know what to tell you.
it's like they feel like they've been "done wrong" and they earned the right to be completely selfish or something. even to the detriment of their relationship with their kids. i have no idea, sorry :(
(and i don't think you are expecting to be his number ONE priority - just on the list. what you're asking, to me, doesn't sound like that much. he will always be a father. not spending ANY holidays with his kids? how is that okay and him just "living his own life?" no. he's still your dad. that's not how you treat family, much less people you created.)
I think your dad is being selfish and childish. He shouldnt make his kids chose between their mother and father - and that is what he is doing - trying to make YOU make HER stay home.
The will IS none of your or your brother's business. If he wants to leave everything to a cat farm in Utah, he can.
Take a deep breath and be patient. Continue to invite him (AND the fiance) over. Be kind to her and make her feel welcome. Express interest in their wedding and ask to be involved.
Making a big deal out of will just make him more uncomfortable and less likely to come over.
I would feel the same way as you do - but there is not much you can do other than to let him know you love him and then be patient.
Divorce is hard on kids no matter how old you are.
Your dad has a new life now, he's probably still in the lust stages with his new fiance. If you can be patient the novelty of that relationship will wear off in time.
Dad is acting like a smitten schoolboy, shame on him, BUT-- you need to be mature and let it ride out for what it is. You can't control your parents. Constantly trying to pressure him isnt going to bring you closer together.
Try to get to know his new fiance, find out what makes her tick, you might do better by your own little family by being more accepting of your dads new life.
Give it time, that's all you can do.
Asking about a will is kind of lame I think. My parents are divorced, my dad has kids from another woman as well and then divorced her too. I'm super close to my dad, but I wouldnt ask him about a will. My half brothers and I will just figure it all out one day when dad is gone I suspect.
Make friends with his new wife.
Sounds like she might have a good head on her shoulders and she could be your ally in getting your dad to spend more time with his family.
In my opinion, I dont really think that your being a whiny brat. You and your brothers have every right to be angry and a little frustrated. I would be too. My parents were divorced. When I would invite my Brother and his kids, and My little Sister and her fiancee, and my mother, my dad still came to Thanksgiving diner, and get to togethers. My parents got back together though. I think you should talk to your dad, if that doesnt work, then you should try counseling. Just remember that he's missing out on his grandkids, and that they're growing up too,
I disagree w some of these posters. You are not a whiny brat to want your Dad in your lives. He is acting like an @ss.
However, there is little to nothing you can do about it. If he makes the choice to miss out on special family gatherings or just family in general it is HIS loss. And a great loss as well. Give it some time, broach the subject with him in a non accusatory manner and tell him how much he is loved and missed in your lives. I don't know what happened between him and your Mom for him to be SO horribly absent, but thank God it wasn't while you were younger and still in the home with them.
I would give him space, keep gently trying to involve him in your lives. If it never changes, you have to decide WHEN you've had enough and just let it go. AGAIN he is the loser.. (hopefully she's not an abuser and isolating your Dad for a reason)
As to the will. Unfortunately your brother overstepped his bounds there. It is not your business what's in your fathers will. NONE of your business.
I'm sorry for your hurt. It's very understandable that you feel hurt and angry.
I hope it works out in the end.
He is being a whiny baby. I'm so sorry.
Honestly, I would feel 100% the way you do. But, I also feel like family and friendships should not be work. Everyone should WANT to do things together. So, if I was you (and I know I am not), I would just move on with my life. I would continue to send invitations to Dad and let him know everything going on. However, I would not beg him to come to these events. If he doesn't come, he doesn't come. The reality is, the big loss is his. I pray he comes to his senses.
Good luck,
L.
I get this feeling he's trying to punish you for still seeing your Mom.
His first marriage might be over, but he's not completely moved on yet.
He's holding on to some spite.
He's carrying around baggage and he can't seem to let go of it.
He may never.
You could keep inviting him.
Or you could back off and see if he will come to you.
As much as you miss him, he's only exiling himself (cutting off his nose to spite his face) and it will bite him in the behind sooner or later.
