Long story short, there have been issues w/my SD being jealous of my having a baby
with her dad.
Things were great before that. I came into her life when she ws 3 & her mom was pretty MIA.
So I thought we were making head way but then she started acting out towards me. She's a
teenager.
Come to find out, husb will say after an argument when I tell her to be careful w/my son (she's
doing dangerous things) "Good for you", if she has a snotty retort. He's mixing snotty comments
with reasoning. Totally misguided point. That's not
the time to stand up for yourself when she's actually doing something to endanger our other child
and I correct her so he doesn't get hurt.
Then I've noticed my husb saying things very loudly to me in an argumentative, ominous 1950's arrogant
man-over-woman way when his daughter is around. It can be an answer to anything i say like if I say
"Can you not leave your shoes there?". He'll get all indignant & say something very loudly for his daughter to hear.
So I've figured out he's trying to show her he's standing up to me.
Which is interesting because he's missing the mark. It's misguided, wrong timing & wrong issues.
So my question is how to I go about correcting his mis guided attempt to help us get along better.
Again, he is missing the mark. I just figured out what he was doing today.
So any suggestions? TIA
Thank you for the advice. Husband's behavior is definitely showing signs of them talking when I'm not
around and he's trying to show her that he's standing up to me.
K-bell you missed he point. She's dropped my son before, smashed his fingers in the door etc.
I stay married to him to protect my son!!!
Stop getting on to him in her presence. This is fuel for her side. Just smile and say nice things. This way he has no need to show her he's taking her side.
Have you addressed this concern to him? Ask him. "When you ______ what are you trying to accomplish?" Have you considered _________? Can you see any negatives from this approach? Are there other ways we can try to accomplish ______ ?
Talk with your husband.
I don't know about your husband but my girls are my BIRTH daughters and they both started challenging me during the tween/teen years.
My son did too, but not to the extreme that the girls did.
I think you have a "normal" mother-daughter relationship.
And I think it's also somewhat normal for your husband to feel stuck in the middle.
Just try to keep being the (step)mom that you've always been, and communicate with your husband in a non confrontational way about your concerns, preferably during down time with him, over a glass of wine, after the kids are in bed.
Marriage counseling.
Family counseling.
If he does it again - especially when you are trying to prevent her from hurting your son? Tell him "thanks, Dear. I am trying to keep our son from being physically hurt. So let's work on this together."
sounds like your husband is getting "encouragement" from outside sources...like his ex-wife, friends who aren't married with blended families and the like....
You need to have a VERY STRONG conversation with him. Use "I" feel - etc. DO NOT use "YOU are" as it will only lead to him defending himself.
Find a marriage counselor and a family counselor NOW....
Good luck!
Good heavens - smashed your baby's fingers in a door?
Your husband is a real dick, Micky. What I don't know is if he has always been one, or if he started recently.
You need to go talk to a counselor and get some real advice on how to deal with him and with your SD. And you need to somehow get this man to counseling with you.
You say he's "missing the mark". Not true, Micky. He's hitting the mark just as he wants to. He wants to belittle you in order to seem important to his daughter. That's just plain wrong. You shouldn't be putting up with this.
I would not be married to this man.
I'm stuck on the idea of a 13 year old girl doing something that would "endanger" your baby. What exactly did she do and is it possble you overreacted?
Are you too controlling? What does your husband say when you discuss all this with him? As you can see your post leaves me with more questions than answers.
You need to sit down and discuss this all with your husband and find a way to address the issue with you SD together.
I think the original family dynamic that might have been there when your SD was younger, has changed. She is now a teenager and OMG, that in and of itself is the worst time in any parents life because at this age, the name of the game is challenge, moods, attitude, and testing. That's what they traditionally do but to varying degrees depending on personality, discipline levels in the house, self-esteem, who they hang around, and what they think they can get away with. One thing is for sure....no matter who the birth mother is of this teen girl, a UNITED FRONT must exist on all levels of parenting a teen. It is the hardest thing to achieve in a family but it must happen. Mom and Dad are the team of teams. No switching sides and no caving in. I am a mother to four teenage girls and I can tell you that I am still alive, minimal wrinkles, and no gray hair. I have even avoided a complete nervous breakdown which is surprising! My secret....from day one of the teenage years, my husband and I made a pact to stand as one on all issues in front of these girls. If one of us thinks the other has gone off the deep end or doesn't think the judgement call is correct, we stick to it anyway, talk it over in private, and make amendments to the original plan of action we set forth if we have to. We never let them see us sweat.
Your husband is doing a few things here that undermines you as a parent, as his wife, and as a step-mom. i think he also knows what he's doing and is cahoots with your SD. I can see it now....SD is pissed about stuff you tell her or want her to improve on so she goes to dad to discuss the inequity of it all. Dad is a big mushy bear and wants everyone to like him all the time. So, he is flip-flopping all of the place. He tells her one thing and you another. Does this seem like what is going on? There really is no reason for you husband to chastise you 1950's style in front of SD unless his showing off about something they have previously discussed. It could be that they both need you to be more relaxed or feel that you are making excessive demands on them but that is not the way to go about addressing it.
As for the baby....what is this 13 year old doing that would hurt him? Most teenagers this age know better and don't purposely do things that directly put youngsters like this is danger or physical harm. That is odd to me. My daughter's all babysat at this age so that part of the equation is really difficult for me to grasp. I'd have to know specifics as to what this teenager does to cause harm to your son to have an opinion on that topic.
Sit down with hubby and let him know your feelings. Choose your words wisely and stay neutral. What you are asking him for is the license to co-parent together with him and not against him. The same goes for him. Can you agree to a united front? Can you agree to support one another ALWAYS in front of the teen daughter and if one of you gets crazy with it, the other can call a private meeting and discuss the issues that way. If you can both get on the same page and stay there, things will flow like melted butter. I am sure of it! Give this a try. It is worth the effort and will also teach both of your kids that there is a real and trusting relationship between you as husband and wife as well as Mom and Dad. That....speaks VOLUMES!!
