Oh-those Mils!

If he won't stand up to them or back you up, I would let him take the baby and visit them and stay home for a weekend by myself to relax.

Dumb question... but... why don't the family (your MIL) drive in the morning.. spend the day (most of it) and then drive back home?! It's only 2 hours.. geeesh!
All of OUR family is 5 hours away.. and that is too far for a day trip. But 2 hours??? Give me a break. My hubby drives an hour to work everyday!

Sorry.. didn't realize that it sounded like I was saying your question was dumb.. lol. I meant mine! Also... your MIL drive.. not you guys with the baby!

Wow you have a tough schedule AND a little little baby. Write your husband a nice little letter and ask him (firmly) to back you up. Then have him call your MIL to say that you are coordinating family visiting time and that you plan to come to see them once every 3 months on the following weekends (name them). You are working out a schedule for visits with other family at your house but with the new baby you are way too overwhelmed for houseguests. And you are sure she understands because she is such a loving and supportive mother. She is invited to visit on the following weekends (name them) for the rest of the year, but she must stay in a hotel just like everyone else has agreed to do (white lie). And give your own mother a special thank you call for stepping back. Seriously, what does MIL not understand about only two days of togetherness per week?

Your hubby is going to have to do/say something. Are they aware of your crazy schedule through the week? I know how that can be--my hubby & I did that same thing for a period of time...we had enough time to say "Hi. He just pooped.Bye" LOL

You simply don't have room for them to stay with you. Can your hubby tell them they are welcome O. weekend per month but they need to stay at a hotel?

You could say the same to your mom and that would leave you guys 2 weekends per month to chill.

We are in the same boat, my MIL is such a pain in the a**. we have plenty of room for everyone to come and visit but we are expected to drive the 2.5 hours and visit. we have three dogs that we have to leave at home for about 12 hours whenever we go. we live out in the country and do not have neighbors to take care of them. Our 9 month DD gets her schedule all messed up because of our trips. He has told her countless time to come and visit she just refuses, she expects us to have our DD 1 year bday party at her home because she says no one will come to our home. when everyone we told about the party is excited to come.

if your husband wont say something you can tell her the weekends are your time you hardly get to spend time with hubby and need some alone time. or completly have a melt down while they are there so they can see what they are putting you through. GL

We all know what you are going thru...To some degree or another. Thank goodness for children who have grandparents that love them soooo much. But *sigh*. I remember spending every day of my first maternity leave cooking and cleaning so that I could host some family member every day for 6 weeks straight. My mom very carefully bowed out after the first few critical days at home but my inlaws (two sets due to divorce) were there and just had to bring an aunt, a good friends, 2nd cousin Sally, someone I work with...And oh! my neighbors dentist hasn't visited yet. ARGH!

Can you start a blog and post baby stories there along with photos and videos? Maybe that will help everyone feel more connected while you and your family find some wiggle room in your life (it will happen....it just seems like that day is impossibly far away right now). I keep near and far family up-to-date with a blog thru blogspot.com.

I guess I'm one of the Father-in-Laws you may be referring to. Except I'd gladly sleep on the floor so you could have your bed. In my family the grandparents got mom and dad's bed and mom and dad slept in my brother and my beds and we slept on the floor or "camped out" in the back yard.

If I was your in-laws you would only have to tell me that you loved me and my wife but you wanted to have the weekends to yourself and your husband and daughter and why. I would ask if you could spare me one weekend every two or three months and I'd invite you to our home for that weekend so you could have a room to yourself and we could enjoy your family. If you had problems economically driving there I'd make sure you had gas money to make the trip.

Just a thought from the other side. Good luck. Say it with love, but don't hint and treat both sets of grandparents the same.

Maybe you should go to the hotel and let your in-laws stay in your house. Just kidding, but I am afraid I don't have a real solution if your husband is not willing to put his foot down.

I can understand your MIL wanting to see her grand baby but she is being absolutely unreasonable. She is not being respectful of your time.

You need to let her know what the issue is about not spending time with your family, etcetera and see how she responds. If she does not understand then you need to let her know when it is acceptable to come and visit (I would say one day per every 6 to 8 weeks is acceptable) and since you do not have room and if they want to stay overnight at the hotel that is the only option. You should not be kicked out of your bed unless you are giving it up willingly, which is not what it sounds for.

This is just the beginning if you do not let her know that you will not tolerate her bulling it will only get worse.

Could she come during the week and possibly watch the baby while you and your husband have time together?

I would just say. That we are so happy you want to spend time with your granddaughter, and you know she is special needs and therefore me and hubby use all of our energy to care for her, work and don't see eachother. We are exhausted. We have a small space and if you would consider we need our rest and energy and can not sleep on an air mattress please let all of us including you be comfortable and you stay ina hotel. Or something to that affect. Ask your mom how she would put it. Bottom line you have a new baby and a hectic schedule if your MIL can't grasp that and hubby is no help then you be "the bad guy" and put an end to your misery. Love to have you but have no room or love to visit but our schedule only permits once a month. Is she computer saavy? Can you get a web camera for you both and have play time via computer w/ MIL? I wish you luck. Seems like a lot of MIL issues going on of late on this site, must be the weather. Take care and take care of your family first.

When we lived two hours away from mom and mom in law I literally put my foot down. I told them both that we were a family now and if they wanted to see us and the grandkids they were more than welcome to come to my house. My mom came quite a few times to stay a day or two, my MIL would call and come just to see the babies and do my dishes or so it seemed. Anyway, I did the same thing at Chirstmas. I told both of them that we would spend before Christmas with mom in law and then go to Chicago the day after to my moms; house. They weren't happy but it sure was a lot less stress on our new family.
Your hubby should grow a spine when to comes to her, but if he can't, let her know she is more than welcome to come to your house.

If it was me, I'd tell *all family members* that you and your husband are still adjusting to the demands of parenthood and that, combined with sleep deprivation and the demands of full-time work, are a touch overwhelming right now... So for the next 3 months, you and hubby have decided to only play hostess or make the drive to visit once a month. Stress that it isn't anything personal nor meant as an offense, but that you hope everyone understands that you all need to simplify the demands on you as a family/couple and you just need some quiet time.

You want to tell all family members because you don't want it to appear as a slight against them. And perhaps you want to start calling everyone while they are in town so they can overhear the message... And of course, causally mention it to them.

By the way, I don't think anyone should displace the host and hostess from their bed. To me, it's rude to even let you do that.

We tell my mom when she visits that she stays in a hotel. Occasionally we bend this rule if they're just passing through for a few hours and just want to sleep on their way elsewhere. (we live halfway between them and where we're from). But if they're coming for the weekend, they stay at a nearby hotel. It's taken a few years, but she accepts it now.

Kim S couldn't have put it all better!!! My MIL isn't pushy but she is very eccentric as in everything needs to be organic our you'll get sick, chlorine is on baby carrots, all and any plastic in the microwave will cause cancer, etc type stuff. I love her to death, but she is way left field compared to myself and my hubby. I just ignore it and go on about my business. And I have a 3 bedroom home and 2 kids and no family member has ever kicked me out of my bed!! They've all slept on my super think queen size air mattress and survived!

Good luck and congrats on the new baby!
S.

1st - 2 hours is not that far and could be a day visit.
2nd - they can only kick you out of bed if you let them! Who gave them permission to sleep in your bed?
3rd - since this issue is with your husband's parents, the two of you need to decide what is ok and what is not regarding the timing of visits, when they are made, who drives where/when, etc. etc. and then it is your HUSBAND'S responsibility to communicate that information. Give him an outline/notes if he needs them to keep him on track. If this issue was with your parents, you would be the one responsible for the communication.
4th - if your husband won't do this, someone joked earlier about you getting a hotel for yourselves, but that is exactly what I would do. Maybe your in-laws would even be willing to take the baby for the night. They will then see the challenges you face and maybe be a little more understanding.

I have three kids, the oldest is almost 13, take it from me, if you don't nip this in the bud RIGHT NOW, your in-laws will only get worse and make it more difficult to stand up to them in the future.

what i would do is this. when they come to visit lay the ground rules down (discuss what they will be with your husband). explain that this is how it is in your home and if they cant deal with it then they need not come.

as for the rest of the time. tell them that they are welcome to come out but they need to stay at a hotel. your not being mean but like you stated your place is small and you both need your space. if they cant understand that then they need not come.

i have the same issues with my mil (with whom we currently live with). my husband and i want to move out of state and she thinks that she can just come visit a month after we move and got mad when i said that we want a year away before anyone visits from down here. my husbands mom is very domineering like yours and pitches a fit when she doesnt get her way. i just tell her that if she want to act like that then she wont be invited to do things with us. she has this thing where we invite her to do things with us and insists on riding with us and then complains about it taking all day and such.. its just a hot mess between us. my husband and i cant wait to be able to move our little family away.

I would ask if they could come during the week. As far as sleeping, if she must sleep over, a hotel would be the best option!

The only thing I can suggest that hasn't already been said is to book the hotel room for them. You'd have to pay for it, but it might be worth it to get them out of your hair. I think your husband is really going to have to step up and explain to them that things are really crazy right now. Tell them that you all would love to see them and for them to see the baby, but an overnight is just too much right now. If they insist on staying, put them on the air mattress in the living room. The only problem with that is that if it comes from you, you'll be the bad guy. It has to come from your husband.

I'm a little late onmy answer, but I feel very strongly about this. Be firm. Set boundaries for your family and your marriage. You & your husband need time to continue to grow together, rather than apart. Set guidelines that you both can agree to, and then be firm and loving when telling your families. This is a must -- your in-laws sure aren't respecting you as adults, and you cannot let them continue.

Good luck. We've struggled with in-laws & expectations, as well. It difficult, but well worth investing in your own family & values.

Sounds like your husband is to blame more. A man should stand up to his mother and stick up for his wife(assuming you are in the right). If he chooses not to stand up to his mother, then he is allowing her behavior and in my opinion, is worse than just her doing the stuff. On the other hand, you knew he was a wimp when yo married him, so can you really complain about this? Not really! You knew what you were getting into. Have you talked to your husband about her? I know from experience that you have to really be careful how you address a mans mother to him. Fortunately, my husband saw my mil in action one day when she didn't know he was looking. He has ALWAYS been on my side, but didn't know to the extent how she was, until he saw her. We had a nice, very long talk about her, and now her and I get along pretty well. After he saw her treat me that way he explained some things about her and it really made me understand why she is the way she is. As a result, I don't take everything she does anymore to heart and am not defensive anymore. Her and I actually have a pretty good relationship now. Try talking to him about her.

Let me ask you something. First if it was your parents who was expecting this from you would you be able to tell them otherwise? and Two if it was your parents expecting you to visit all the time and give up your bed for them would you husband put up with it?

Try putting it in that perspective for your husband to get him to understand.

Two hours isn't that far of a drive BUT if the weekends are the only time that you really get to spend with your husband I'm sure neither one of you wants to spend it with each other's family but with your own family instead.

My husband and I are almost in a similiar situation. We live about 3.5/4 hours from our families (depending on who is driving is how long it takes) and his family always expects us to come back home with no notice at all and see them. But when we get there late Friday or early Saturday and then have to leave the next day it's almost not even worth it to visit, but his parents don't see that.

For awhile there my husband would do as they ask but with the economy and everything else we've had to put our foot down. It was something we had to sit down and talk about. Since we've moved away his parents have only come to visit us twice in three years, and if you ask them why they haven't come more they will give you a million excuses.

If your husband doesn't want to talk to his mom than what if you talk to her with your husband backing you up. She needs to understand that it's not about her but that you have a life too and you want to see your own family.

It's a touchy situation. I wish you the best of luck.

Okay, so all you have is a little 2 bedroom apartment? One, suggest to hubby that he get a hotel room for you two; then suggest that mom-in-law take care of precious baby overnight. Let her see first hand what goes on in your life on a daily basis. Give her just enough rope so to speak. Also let her know that you do not enjoy her bullying ways.

Yes, its hard on everyone; but when you both get the chance & can afford to; you will take either a very long weekend to come & visit family or have them come visit you when you can afford a nice large house. Oh & one other thing, you & hubby need to have a very hard & difficult talk. He needs to stand by you; not allow his mother to intimidate him anymore nor tell him what to do in his life. You both are over 21 & have commited yourselves to each other before God & family. This means that your parents need to back off!!!! & let you be a family unto yourselves. Your Mom seems to understand this [even if it hurts like hell]; but mom-in-law just hasn't come to terms with it just yet.

Also explain that when a chronicly ill child you just can't pick up & leave to go & visit anyone.Until you can both get a job that will allow you to both work at better hours; this is as good as it gets! Also, let her & your family know that there is no money for a five bedroom house so that you can entertain people weekends; nor can you just simply take off the weekends to go visit them when you have to keep things going where you are right now.

Otherwise, just take a deep breath & go with the flow. But the best suggestion, get a hotel room!!! Whether its you that uses it or them; someone needs to get some sleep & not on the sofa! Think of it as a mini vacation.

I say get them a hotel room and pay for it yourself if possible. They should be understanding about the situation. And do the same for your own family when they come to visit as well. Grandparents obviously want to spend as much time as possible with the grandkids but really spending the night in the same apartment and hearing the child get up at night is going to make everyone grumpy. Plus you might have MIL butting in at 3am to try and 'help'.

I agree with other posters. Have them drive back and forth. My parents recently drove 3 hours back and forth for my sons 5th birthday, without any of your circumstances!

I think that 5'Sthenew4 gave you fantastic advice. I'd follow it word for word.

J.

My mother in law is a step mom to my husband, but we had similar experience. We were 2 1/2 hrs away. All I can say is be nice to her even if she is not. Try to think of her as if she were your mother, how would you treat her. And believe me,my MIL was awful! She was a chain smoker, talked about everyone behind her back and if you didn't do things the way she did, she talked about it over and over and over. They even tried to drive while holding my oldest son, but I put a stop to that right away.
I am a grandma now and I would hate it if I could only see my grandkids once a month. They are 2 hrs away and I drive over, but I am not working, it is my daughter that has the kids and my husband still works so he is not able to see them as much. I go every 4 wks to get them and bring them to our house for a few days. Your husband doesn't want to stand up to his mom; he loves her as you love your mom.
As long as she is good to your dgtr and keeps her safe, try to put up with it and relax when she is there. Try sleeping on the air mattress more often so you get used to it. Personally, I have a self inflating flat air matt that I put a sleeping bag on top of and I love it, but I have had to sleep on it a lot.
Good luck sweetheart and remember nothing lasts forever.