Off to High School ... How Do You Deal with Them Getting Older...

I kinda have a different take on the whole scenario. I have taught my children independence and responsibility from a very young age. To look at my parenting style from the outside it would look like a don't care or I am very lazy. I have a daughter that is beginning her second year of college and a son who is entering the high school this year. I have always had an open policy of communication in my house. It is very interesting to me to watch my children grow and develop their own personalities. I sit back and marvel at the wonderful children that I have raised. I know there are things to worry about but I am pretty confident they are going to make a good decision. It may not be the decision that I would have made but they are prepared to deal with the outcome. I just sent my daughter an email today telling her how proud I was of her for having a strong and independent personality. She just got an apartment with 3 guys! I was stunned for a while when I found out but then I just remembered that she has not gotten to the point she is at now by making bad decisions and being a push-over. I tried not to let her hear my jaw hit the floor and I told her that she needs to remember to love herself or nothing else in life will matter. I don't think anyone has the right answers but I am just giving you some ideas on what has helped me. My baby just graduated kindergarten and that was a really hard thing for me to deal with. I just watch him grow every day and I can see his zest for life and that is what makes me smile.

The key is communication! Keep the line of communication open and make sure you are understanding. Let him know that there will be temptation all around him and although you would be very dissapointed in him if he does let this temptation get the best of him, you also know that mistakes will be made. Make sure he is comfortable talking to you so that if he ever finds himself in a difficult spot he will come to you rather than hide it from you. For example, of he knows that his life will pretty much be over if he is caught drinking then he is more likely to drive drunk and try to hide it then to call and say I messed up and need a ride. You have to find that middle ground between being strict and letting your kids run wild. If your son is open with you, you will be more comfortable in trusting that he will make good decisions. Hope this helps!

They do grow up, but you've got another wonderful experience coming your way. Graduation, marriage and babies!! Don't be so worried, this is life and you've given him what you can. Trust yourself and your son! letting go is hard.

I know exactly how you feel.

Leslie is correct, the best thing to do is keep the communication open with him. Be positive about trusting him. Allow him some more responsibilities and praise him when he does them well. Allow him a little freedom and as long as he does not take advantage, allow him to continue. If he makes a bad decision or makes a mistake, allow him to to tell you, but try not to freak out.

We would tell our daughter we trusted her. We would remind her she did not have to do anything she did not want to do and to feel free to use us as an excuse.

When we would read or hear about kids getting in trouble, we would discuss it. If we saw a pregnant girl, we would talk about what she and the father of the child would now have to go through and what the would miss out on. Consequences of bad choices.

My mom used to say things like," I know you know how to behave. Thank goodness you make good choices."

We also spoke about possible situations and how to handle them.. Drugs offered? "No thanks" Hanging out past curfew "Nope can't do that, my mom would freak out." Change of plans "Sounds good, Just need a minute to call and let me parents know. "

Also my mom allowed us to hang out at our house any time. All of us. My mom knew all of my friends parents and had all of their numbers. I did the same thing with our daughter. When the kids were over and spoke with me and seemed to want me around I would visit with them. When it looked like they just wanted to hang out together, I let them do that, but stayed in a room close by, in case they called on me. I also liked when our daughter hung out at her friends houses.

One more thing, a few of us moms started a class of '08 moms group. We would meet about once every 4 or 6 weeks during the high school years.. starting the freshman year and have some wine or tea and discuss what was going on with our kids, the school, the after school events.. Mind you, not all of our kids were friends with each other, but we moms all had an interest in making sure all of our kids were ok, that we knew what to expect form the moms that had older kids. We would hear good and bad stories about the school and kids. Suggestions about classes, events.. SAT's all types of things. It was a life saver, for us younger moms..

We had a mom who had been a PTA President tell us about her son got in trouble for making one silly mistake. We had another mom come and speak to us about how her son got caught up in the legal system because of his under aged drinking. All good info for us to be able to tell our own children.

Once it was time to start really getting ready for college, this is the group that really gave me a heads up on what would be needed and how to get our daughter started early on applying for colleges.

Communication and expectations are the key. Let your son know you trust him, it is every one else you are concerned about.. hee, hee..

I so know what you mean and all I can say is that I would be a wreck if I didn't have a daughter 10 years older to pave the way for my son.
She was only 17 when she graduated and it hit me so hard that I wasn't ready for that. SHE was ready....but I wasn't. Not emotionally.
I cried the entire first week of her senior year. It felt to me like every single day was a count down to her not needing me anymore. It was really tough.
The saying that you see your life flash before your eyes is very true. It goes so fast. But, my daughter was a great kid and really ready and she enjoyed her senior year. She EXPERIENCED it. The prom, homecoming, powder puff football, the pep rallies and car washes....
My son will be 15 on the 28th. A sophomore. I don't know where the days went. My little baby can now carry me around the house.
He goes for a week with his dad in the summer and comes home two inches taller. How does this happen?
I'm so like you....but one thing you have to remember is that there are two things we give our kids.
One is roots and the other is wings.
The other thing is....we have to enjoy every day that we have them.
Yes, there will be graduation and girlfriends and marriage and families of their own, but at least it's not going to happen tomorrow.
If you've raised your son well, he will likely make good decisions about drugs and drinking and sex.
You know it's funny....
My son is 15 and he's so not ready to even delve into any of that stuff. I could keep myself awake crying all day and night, but it would be over something he's not even close to considering. He's in no hurry to grow up too fast so I have found that I don't need to worry about it too much.
He WILL grow up. Nothing I can do about it. And every day I see how much more of a wonderful person he will be able to be when he's on his own because of all the things I've taught him. Isn't that really my job?
It's so very bittersweet.

My son adores me. That will never change. He talks about wanting a daughter and naming her after me. He wants to be a good husband and father and I know in my heart he will be.
For now, he's not too old to hold my hand when we go on walks or kiss me on the lips every morning when he goes to school.
I treasure every one of these moments and I think you should do the same.
Talk as much as possible. Connect on real terms. Be open to the life you are seeing mature before your eyes.
I'd give anything to go back to when my babies were babies. But, I'm so thankful for the relationship I have with them now.
My daughter is 24. She called me today. They always still need you. My daughter asks my advice for everything even though there was a time she thought I was completely clueless.
At least in my case, I know they will always come home to mommy.
Just don't get so sad and worried that you can't enjoy the time of your son's life that he's going through.
I'm a total sentimental sap so I know how hard this is. I really do.

I wish you the very, very best.

Leslie nailed it....... COMMUNICATION and LOTS OF IT.

We have a 15 yr old daughter and we have always maintained open communication. We talk about everything.

Do we worry, OH YES, I worry about the other kids who have parents to can't wait for them to get out of the house.

As for my daughter, I know she is a good kid and she is thriving with the independence she has with high school. I want her to love and enjoy her high school experience and make many wonderful memories.

Oh yes I worry. I hate, hate hate, taking her out to practice drive. I know she is capable but I get so nervous I almost get sick. My baby is growing up. I hate all the girl drama that goes on. Whew it is not easy with mean girls. My daughter is co-captain of the cheer squad and she thrives on the responsibility she was given. She is also in orchestra (violin) and in all honors classes maintaining excellent grades. She loved her Freshman year and it looks like the Sophomore year will be as enjoyable.

We talk a lot about her dreams, goals, friends, who is having sex, who is doing drugs, Communication is SO key.

I hate thinking about her moving out however, when she talks of her college plans and lifelong goals she lights up the room with excitement. I am very proud of the young woman she has become.

Letting go is very hard but you've worked very hard to raise your son and we have to trust that they are ready to leave the nest and make good choices.

I like Leslie's answer. You have to TRUST your son! He will probably make good decisions.

My kids will all be out of the house in two years (come on, scholarships), and I'm not sure how it will feel, but as they go through high school they are away for longer and longer periods of time, and you slowly get used to them not being there and that hopefully will help you transition away from them.

One thing I know for sure: you need your OWN life! Start getting passions now that are outside of your son and role as a mother, and they will sustain you when your boy leaves home.

Be happy for his time in high school! It's one of his life's adventures! As hard as it is to lose our kids, we really wouldn't want them to have a life that involved hanging out with mom all the time. That would be no life.

Lots of good advice here.

Stay in the loop as much as you can without being a hovering parent... My Dad did that, it makes a difference.. talk/trust/don't judge/keep open minded/flexible/honest/be there NO matter what and for any problems... keep observant/have his friends over.... gauge his friends etc.

ALSO... know the signs/symptoms of drug use. Not to scare you. But it is important.

Know his moods and personality.. so that even if he does not say so... you will know if something is amiss or if he is sad/in distress/depressed/having problems. Then you can approach him.

My Dad also did this: Late at night, he would sit and watch TV. He had an extra 'radar' and could tell when me/my siblings were troubled or needed help and to talk. He would just sit there... and watch tv. Hanging out. It would be late & quiet..... past bedtime. But he KNEW.. .that we would on our own, come out of our rooms, and sit there too. Watching tv... as an 'excuse.' He then KNEW.. that we would start to ramble and talk about things... things that were bothering us. He would not look at us in the eye... but just sit there... watching TV, and then "guide" us and give us advice. So non-intimidatingly and not "lecturing." But giving us his opinions/observations/wisdom etc. And we also felt "bonded" with him that way... and connected... no matter how old we were. Then, once we got his 'advice' and help... and he knew that.. he would stand up, yawn (on purpose) and say "well I'm tired, going to bed now... you can watch tv if you want and relax..." and then he off he went to bed. Meanwhile, we'd hug him... tell him 'thanks' and feel much better... with a solution to our problem... and extra wisdom.

all the best,
Susan